Meredith sat on the edge of her bed, trying to decide if she should get up and go downstairs, or just pull the covers back up over her head and listen to the rain. She'd laid awake most of the night, listening to Izzie pace back and forth across the next room and down the hall and back to her bedroom.
Meredith sighed. It had been a year. A full year to the day since prom night, since her sex with McDreamy, since Denny died. She'd known the anniversary was coming, she had sensed the change in Izzie every time she passed by a calendar or looked at a clock. She wanted to help Izzie, she really did, but she didn't know how. So she took the day off to be there in case Izzie needed anything, but only managed to sit on the edge of her bed wondering how exactly she was supposed to be there for her friend.
She wanted to walk into Izzie's room and wrap her arms around her, hold her and comfort her and whisper soothing thoughts until the other girl fell asleep or at least could sit still and just be okay. But Meredith doesn't do that. Meredith doesn't hug and soothe and comfort. That was Izzie's job. Izzie was there for Meredith every time Derek left her, when her mother died, when she was having trouble with her father. Izzie would smile and grab Meredith's hand, tell her that it was okay to cry and then, when she finally did, sit with her and hold her and let her rest her head on her shoulder until she fell asleep. And when Meredith awoke, there'd be a plate of fresh baked cookies at her side.
Meredith heard Izzie pad down the hall past her room and continue down the stairs. She stood up and stretched, making up her mind to follow her friend and at least make sure she was okay. She would find a way to be there.
Later...
Meredith set the pan of burned brownies on the porch rail in front of the swing. "I baked you something," she said with a sympathetic smile. "Well, I tried anyways."
Izzie didn't move her gaze from the sunrise, but nodded a silent thank you. Meredith paused and closed her eyes, gathering the strength to find the right words. "I don't know what to say to you," was all she managed before reaching for the front doorknob.
"Meredith," Izzie suddenly called out. "Do you ever wonder what it would be like? How your life would be if you just did one small thing different?"
Meredith stopped and turned back to her friend. "All the time, Iz. All the time."
"It's been a year, Meredith. A full year. What if I didn't cut his LVAD? Do you know where we'd be today? We'd be married, maybe with a baby. We wanted a family."
Meredith gave her friend another sympathetic smile, then put her hand back on the doorknob.
"She was to be named after you," Izzie said, her voice surprisingly even and calm. Meredith stopped and removed her hand from the door.
"Izzie?" she questioned.
"My daughter—our daughter," Izzie answered, her voice breaking on the 'our'. "Grace Meredith Duquette." She smiled despite the tears in her eyes. Meredith, not knowing what to say, walked across the porch and gently sat on the edge of the swing.
"I hope that's okay," Izzie started again, now seeming nervous. "I mean, I know I'm not your person or anything, but I wanted to do something because, well, because I…because you're…you're mine Meredith. I mean, I have George, but George is just George. But you, Meredith, you're always here. You're my person."
With this, Izzie erupted in sobs, covering her face with her hands. Meredith crossed over to the porch swing and sat down next to her friend, rubbing Izzie's back and trying to quiet her down.
"I would have been honored, Iz," Meredith whispered.
"You know what bothers me most?" Izzie started again. "Denny won't be a father. I mean, I could be a mother, but Denny can't be a father. Denny would have been a great dad, I know it. He was so sweet, and so gentle. He wanted a girl, a daddy's girl. But he'll never have that. He'll never have that because he's dead, Meredith. Denny's dead and I killed him."
Meredith grabbed her friend's hands and took a deep breath. "It's okay Izzie, I promise it's okay. You're going to be a fantastic mother someday honey, and Denny's going to be so proud looking down on you with those kids. It's what he would have wanted. We both know that." Izzie choked on another sob and lifted her tear-stained face to look at Meredith.
"You really believe that?" she managed.
"I know that," Meredith replied. "And Iz, it wasn't your fault. I know that, and Denny knows that, and deep down somewhere, you know it too. It was his time, sweetie, it's okay. He's watching over you now. He wouldn't want you to be crying over him. I didn't know him as well as you did, Izzie, but I do know that he'd much rather you be throwing a party in his honor right about now."
Izzie let a little laughter slip through her slowing stream of tears. "See, that's good!" Meredith said. "You're laughing already, just like Denny would have wanted."
Izzie smiled again and laid her head down on Meredith's shoulder, cuddling up to her friend. "Thanks, Mere," she said. "I know this isn't your thing, but I need someone today."
Meredith smiled. "I learned from the best, Iz. I even baked you brownies."
Izzie laughed, wiping away the last of her tears. She leaned forward and picked up the pan, looking at the charcoaled top of the dessert. "Apparently you didn't learn everything," she giggled, falling back onto Meredith.
Meredith agreed, smiling, and put her arm around Izzie. The two sat in comfortable silence and watched the sun rise together. Awhile later, it was Izzie who stood and reached her hand back for Meredith.
"Come on," she said. "I'll teach you how to make real brownies."