Hi! I was surprised last week's episode did not have a moment between Harvey and Donna. Normally she shows up when he needs her. So I wrote this inspired by a scene from a few seasons ago when Harvey is sitting at his desk facing away from Donna and then I know afterward he says to her "I know you're there." Just a little ficlet. Hope you enjoy. R&R. Thank you-Carebearmaxi
And I Love You So...
I have stood here before and watched him just sit there and mull over situations and know he was strategizing for whatever was best for whom he was fighting. Lately, though, he's been too much alone. I desperately want to take him in my arms and hold him and be a comfort to him. I don't dare do that because he would only be resentful or pretend to be resentful and walk away from me. He will tell me, eventually, if I draw it out of him. He can't go on much longer with this. He feels so guilty and I know that he knows if he doesn't get Mike away from Frank Gallo soon there will be nothing left of Harvey's own sanity.
As I stand here, quietly, not making a sound behind him, he will eventually feel me here and give me some excuse to go home and not have the emotional outpouring that he so richly needs. I know sometimes he doesn't confide me but in Jessica who always has mentored him and played the big sister role. However, he needs his self doubt and guilt assuaged and converted to renewed confidence and determination to do what is right. I realize what Harvey is up against. Mike is just as stubborn as Harvey. However, I think Harvey should take the fraternal role and help him in any way he can-with or without Mike's knowledge. It would not only give Harvey more confidence in Mike's abilities but in himself that he protected someone he loved. It would allow Rachel a little more peace allowing her to finish law school without constant nag of worry.
It would help me knowing that I helped him and my own sanity. I need him as well as he needs me although he would never say it. I need him to know that I love him no matter what he does because I know he always does his best for those whom he cares.
"I know you're there," Harvey says.
"I know you know I'm here. Do want to talk about it?" I ask sincerely worried for him.
"Go home, Donna. I need to work this out for myself," he says wearily. I know he doesn't want to talk about it but he needs me.
"Are you sure this is the way you want to play this?" I ask hoping that he will change his mind. I decide to take the first step. I walk into his office and I pour him a glass of water because I know he's has had way too much scotch. I notice his duck painting is missing. I know his mother painted it. He doesn't think I know because I would never tell anyone who asked me, but I know his mother painted it. I have played that Gordon Specter family album with the pictures of Harvey and his brother and his mom and dad in the cover. Harvey will never know I know unless he confronts me head on or he tells me himself.
"I told you to go home," Harvey says as I hand him his glass of water of which he makes a face.
"I know you want Scotch but I think you're out," I tell him. His response is a look to his small office bar where the normally filled decanter is empty. He smirks and looks back at me.
"Here's to what's left," Harvey say as we toast with our glasses of water. I am happy to see he finishes it in one draft and silently asks for more. To which I place my water on his desk and pour him more. The water is cold (just taken from the hidden chiller in his office) and refreshing.
"Here you go," I say as I hand him back his now full glass.
"Thank you," he says and sips this time. His feet are still on windowsill and he still looks so pensive.
"Goodnight, Harvey," I say quietly. I work as far as the door when I hear Harvey begin to speak.
"Am I still a good man, Donna? I let you talk me out of giving myself up and now poor Mike is living on pins and needles waiting for my enemy to do him in. I tried to convince Rachel that he would be ok, but I am not so sure. If Gallo can't be moved, neither Mike or I will have any peace of mind for two years."
I hear the guilt and sorrow in his voice. He didn't know who was waiting for Mike and I know he prepared Mike by pissing him off and letting him beat him up. I know where those bruises came from when I saw him at the wedding. I turn around and walk back into his office and take a chair in front of his desk. He's turned toward me now in anticipation of my answer. His beautiful deep brown eyes are worried and red rimmed from the worry. His jaw is set because of the anger towards himself that he was free and Mike was in jail. I tell myself that if Harvey had changed his mind I would have stood by him. I would have forgiven him. I'm sure he knows how much I love him and didn't want to lose him.
"Harvey, you are a good man. You did everything you could think of to protect Mike when he was practicing. How could you have known that after all these years someone would still have a grudge against you when you were an ADA? You know you are doing everything you can to either get Mike released early or get Gallo moved. Mike is not a child. He is a man who may have made his decision a little prematurely and a man who sees the good in everyone or wants to have faith in everyone. You warned him. We all warned him. Remember Mike did this to save us-all of us who love him and protected him."
"It's my fault. I should never have given him the offer of a job. I knew it was illegal. What the hell was I thinking?"
"You were giving a young man a break. A break he never would have had otherwise. You put yourself, your career on the line several times to protect him. You did the same for me and you would do the same for anyone else. You are only partially to blame for Mike's predicament and you allowed Mike to make HIS decision. Whether you agreed with it or not, it was his decision. You could not have known that Gallo would be at Danbury waiting for Mike."
Harvey took a sip of his water. He removed his feet from the windowsill and turned his chair completely around and faced me.
"I'm so tired, Donna," he admits to me. He sighs wearily and speaks so softly.
I smile and I can't help it but I want to cry for him. Again, that instinct to comfort this complicated man-the man I have loved for so long and I continue to love. I can't help it. If he rebuffs me that will be it, but I can't bear this any longer. He needs someone to hold him and he needs, whether he realizes or not, that he needs someone to hold onto. I take the initiative and rise from the chair where I sit and I walk around to his side of the desk. I see the fright in his eyes as he rises.
"Donna?" He inquires wondering what I'm doing knowing instinctively that I am breaking our unwritten and unspoken "no touch" rule.
I slide my arms around his shoulders and, gratefully, I feel his arms enclose my waist and I can feel his heavy sigh...an exhale.
"I love you, Harvey," I remind him gently and softly in his ear. I don't want anything back except that he accepts that I love him whether he says it back or not. I just want him to know I am here and that if he needs me he only need ask.
"Oh, Donna". That's all he says and holds me tighter and closer.
I step back but he doesn't let go of me and I don't let go of him.
"How about we go home?" I suggest wondering if he would like not to be alone tonight.
"I'd rather stay here," Harvey said. "I will only go home and drink myself to sleep."
"I meant come home with me. We can get some shitty Thai food and sleep on my couch. We both won't be alone then." I suggest hoping that he won't refuse. I know he doesn't want to be alone and, in truth, I am afraid to leave him alone. He needs me even if he won't admit it.
Harvey finally releases me and says, "Ok. You talked me into it."