Fast Times at Major Case
A silly parody of the carrot scene in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"
Alex Eames and Bishop were sitting in the precinct commissary with Logan and Bobby at the next two tables over.
"So Goren," Logan said, "What do you think the women talk about when we are not around?" "I don't know, said Bobby. "I assume the same thing we talk about."
"No!" cried Logan. They couldn't be that gross and disgusting!"
"I don't know about Lynn, but I bet Alex could give us a run for our money."
Meanwhile the women unwrapped their lunches. "You know," Bishop said, "After all these years I still can't clean my gun properly. I don't know why but I can't put that polish on it."
"Really?" I can practically see my face in mine," said Eames. "The trick is simple (holds thumb and index finger as if it was a pistol).
Logan nudges Goren. ""Ooh look, this might get good." The two men stare.
"You open the chamber. Get a good boresnake,"Eames said as she mimicked the movements. "Run your snake through the barrel. Do it thoroughly," she said, holding the faux snake between her fingers and rubbing back and forth.
"I can make out the word "Snake" said Logan excitedly. "Maybe they are talking about you," said Bobby. "Ha Ha," Logan chortled.
"Then just take a cloth and rub it back and forth, gently, not gripping too tight."
"Is a lubricant necessary?" asked Bishop. "No, not really," said Eames. "I like to-don't laugh-use a little oil on mine-not much-but it does the trick for me."
"I did hear talk of lubricants," said Bobby. "They must be talking about hand jobs for sure!" said Logan. "Really?" Bobby wondered. "What else could it be?" posited Logan. "I can see Eames knowing how to treat a man-roughly, but in a good way." "Hey! That's my partner you're talking about!" exclaimed Bobby. "You mean to tell me you never thought of…?" "Well… I didn't say that.."Bobby admitted. "But Bishop, come on," Logan said. "I bet ten to one she is frigid." "I don't know," Bobby thought. "Redheads can surprise you." "I bet I could warm her up", Logan pondered. "Is there any woman you don't think that about?" said Bobby. "Hillary Clinton," Logan responded.
"You have to hit all sides, even underneath," Eames explained, still gesturing. "And then you're done."
The men clapped. "Must be something stupid," ventured Eames.
"Thanks," said Bishop, "I'll remember that." Bishop slowly took a carrot to her mouth and began to nibble.
"Oh Christ, I wonder what they're talking about now!" chirped Logan.