(in which the ex affair is making out with someone new)
Is the hurt from knowing with finality that she is no longer yours, or is it the realization that perhaps she was not at all of the morality you thought she was? Memories become suddenly foggy as you struggle to remember how she had acted; stuggle to place this new discovery into the context of past simplifications and misdirection.
You had romanticized your situation to fill the void that reality never could. Acknowledging that she was more brazen than in love, more practical than dreamer, would jeopordize the precious world you had entwined in your past. it would mean that this world of lovers you were once so proud to have crossed over into, nestolgic to have left but contented by the experience, was never actually yours.
It is then that you begin to hate her, in little doses: for not being who you needed her to be; for not protecting you from the truth; for distroying hope along with your heart.
It's selfish to expect so much out of her, but she had never seemed like a real person to you anyways, more like a character you had congered from sheer wanting.
Your bubble has been popped, is really what it boils down too, and the wind strikes your skin a lot harder without the shield in place.
You walk away and begin to wonder how long it will take to build again, how your heart will try to mend itself this time. curious to see if there is change.
You've stopped wanting her, and are only left with questions you don't really want answers to.
Maybe you can somehow salvage the dream world. To write about her as she should have been, than maybe as she is, would help you to forgive her. Or maybe never speaking of her again would allow you to keep that small dark space in time where the two of you had defied chance to fall into each others imaginations.