Disclaimer: RK does not belong to me. I only own this story! The Chinese song which inspired this story belongs to Kaira Gong Shi Jia. The lyrics translation is done by me though.
A/N: This one shot is actually a sequel to "Letters", and in this story, Megumi finally finds courage to go beyond writing the 2 lines of greeting. You don't have to read "Letters" to understand this completely, but it is highly recommended.
Title: When I was almost happy
She didn't mean to do it. She honestly didn't.
Pulling the drawer out with greater force this time round, Megumi attempted to push it in swiftly, trying hard to lock the unsent letters in and hopefully, the longing she still holds for him.
The old wooden chest of drawers shook under her desperate pushing, finally sliding in bit by bit only to get jammed when it was a mere inch away from closing completely. Megumi pushed. And pushed again.
However, the drawer remained adamantly open, the few envelopes on top of the tall stack in it preventing it from getting closed.
Even her drawer was telling her to face up to reality.
Telling her that it is time for her to stop avoiding and running away.
Not from Sanosuke or anything else, but from herself.
Did she know what she really wanted? What she really felt like after his departure? To tell the truth, she didn't.
How could she, when she never even asked herself that?
With a stab of shock, she realized that even if Kami-sama miraculously took pity on the weak woman that was her, and let Sanosuke appear right before her eyes at that instant, she wouldn't know how to react.
She always mentally played out scenes of their reunion, even if it might never come. How would she react to it?
Laughter?
Anger?
Tears?
She didn't know. Memories plagued her, haunting her thoughts in the day and her dreams in the night. It started snowing last night, and the freezing winds left her with no choice but to close her windows, cutting off her link to the beautiful night sky under which they shared so many precious moments together.
I miss the snowing night last winter
The warmth that you gave, the tightly-held hands
warmed up the bitter cold
It was once again a cold winter night. Except that last year he was around to make the cold go away, to help her find bliss under the harshest situations.
There could have been so much more in store for them. She almost became happy; she was so close too.
The day before, Kaoru came over excitedly, waving a crumpled letter around. It was from him. He wrote to the Kamiya Dojo and its inhabitants. She was glad he wrote back; it proved that he was alive and well.
But why didn't he write to her?
There was hardly any mention of her, except the question at the end of the scribbled letter.
"How is Megumi?"
That was all. Prior to his departure, he never called her by her given name, "Megumi". Suddenly, the beautiful name she was so proud of seemed strangely detached. She wanted him to call her all the nicknames he had so creatively fashioned for her and her only.
He left something else though. He left an address. It was written all in kanji, and for a moment, Megumi couldn't decipher what it was, until realization hit her. Of course, the address was written in Chinese.
Chugoku…Isn't that the kanji for China? She thought, trying to understand as much as she could from the Chinese characters, a few of which slightly different from the Japanese kanji. So he's there…
She decided; she would go on writing.
It was the only way she could face herself.
Gently pulling out the most recent letter, she opened it, retrieving the neatly folded piece of paper, barely marked by ink. Megumi unfolded it to reveal only two lines.
"How are you? I am fine."
She wasn't really fine, but she didn't wish for him to know that.
Picking up the fountain pen lying on her table, Megumi proceeded to write. To write what was in her heart, to write what she wanted to know, to write what she never got to say.
When you left, I lost what I once had
You brought the smiles away and left the loneliness
I forgot what happiness was
She wasn't lying when she wrote that. He seemed to occupy so much of her life with his energy and passion for life, so much to the extent that when he left, she didn't feel like there was anything left.
Empty, just like a shell.
She hated herself for being such a good actress, to have pretended he didn't matter to her at all. Just because of her acting, she lost her happiness, and forgot how it felt like to be happy. Pride gained her nothing.
Even a smile needed effort these days. Half-hearted, insincere. To her, smiling simply meant the upward curling of one's mouth whenever necessary.
She missed the times he brought bright smiles to her, no matter how tired or stressed out she felt.
She knew she shouldn't be feeling this, but pangs of jealousy always ate at her heart when she saw couples strolling, laughing, and talking in bliss.
Did she not deserve this? Why can't he give her this? She didn't need riches or anything materialistic…she only needed him.
Why did he leave her? Is it because of something mean she said? Something nasty, used to cover her affections up? Had he mistaken her scathing comments for feelings of detest?
She placed her pen down and buried her face in her hands, breathing hard. This was too difficult; it took so much out of her emotionally. The raw, stinging pain of thinking about him was too much for her to bear. She had started blaming him, even though she barely wrote three lines.
That was something new, something she hadn't discovered.
Deep down in her heart, she actually had anger. Anger at him for leaving her in such a terrible emotional state. But if she was going to simply berate him and hate him for leaving her, she would never get anywhere.
Maybe there was something else he ought to know.
Wrapping her fingers around pen, she proceeded to write out what she wanted him to know, and what she desperately yearned and feared to ask.
Nights without you are exceptionally dark
All I can do is close my eyes and try to feel it
On the nights without me, who was by your side,
replacing the past we once shared?
A year had passed since he left; a full 365 days. Did he meet someone else? Could he have settled down happily with someone who was better than her? Or someone who was better for him than her?
It hurt to consider it. It hurt to know that there might be a possibility of another woman having what she pines so badly for.
Did he think of her as she thought of him? Did it ever cross his mind that she was lonely, scared and helpless during those long nights of darkness? Did it ever occur to him that she was wondering if she had been replaced by another?
Or was he too occupied with someone else, spending long nights with her and without a single thought of Megumi?
She tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill, taking quick, deep breaths in a bid to dispel the acrid feeling in her nose, the one telltale sign of her tendency to start sobbing.
Don't cry, she told herself. There's one last thing you want him to know, right?
Megumi mustered her courage, or at least, what was remaining of it after he departed, and wrote on. She couldn't give up now…not when she finally found the courage within herself to face the situation bravely, not when she finally could get to write "Megumi yori" at the end of the letter.
Can I hear you say you love me again
and go back to the times when I was still in your arms
Can you let me have it once again?
The tenderness that once belonged to me.
She decided, if Fate gave her a second chance, and handed her what she longed for so painfully, there was no way she would let it skip through her fingers again. She would hold on tightly no matter what.
That is, if Fate actually does give her a chance.
If it doesn't, there was nothing she could do.
She was a bit reluctant to end the letter. After all, this was a link to him.
But that was all she wanted to say for now; the rest can wait.
"Megumi yori" She signed off neatly, at the bottom left hand corner.
With a small contented sigh, she looked down into the piece of paper, now drying in the weak glow of the candle by the side.
She will post it out tomorrow.
Hopefully, he will read it.
Maybe one day, she can have it once again.
Maybe one day, she can go back to when she was almost happy.
Owari
A/N: Ahhh. This is always such a good topic for writing. Exploring Megumi's feelings were interesting; thinking and trying to see things from the fox's eyes. After "Letters", I felt they deserve something better, so I had Megumi take the first step. If any one of you wishes to hear the song which inspired this (which is a beautiful and sad song), please indicate that you want it via email or review! I'll send you the song file! It is in Chinese, by the way.
Thank you for reading this; I hope you liked it. Please review and make me a happy writer!
Kami-sama – God
Megumi yori – From Megumi