"For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind"
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From the time she was a young girl growing up in New York, Lena Lutessa Luthor dreamed of having a piece of land she could call her own. Perhaps it came with having spent a year in an orphanage. Although she was too young to remember most of it, she could still recall that haunting feeling of never truly owning something that was solely hers. It was selfish, not wanting to share every scrap of food or broken toys with others. And often she felt guilty for this, but it didn't stop her from wanting something that was just hers and hers alone.
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When the Luthor family adopted her, wanting to replace their own dead daughter with someone they could pass off as their own, Lena's yearning for something all her own grew stronger. Although now she had things meant for her to use, the ghost of another little girl lingered over everything she did. It was as suffocating as being trapped under a wool blanket in the heat of summer.
Lena forgot her own name. Even when she had whispered it to herself at night like a prayer. As she grew older she forgot if she ever knew what it felt like to be wanted, constantly competing with the ghost of the first Lena and the very real and golden boy: Lex. Everything he did overshadowed her own accomplishments. She wasn't bitter, she just wished she could be more. Lex loved her but it wasn't enough and it hurt to have these ugly, selfish thoughts inside. It was like fighting for scraps of food back at the orphanage.
The only time she felt she could truly breathe was when she thought about fields made of gold, wide skies, and a little house all her own. There was something romantic about having something that your family could never take away or bargain with whenever she needed a new book or dress.
As she grew older she went to Mount Holyoke College, where she studied languages and literature, her heart knew that she would never be truly happy going back to her family's estate. Playing the dutiful daughter meant that she would soon be married to the original Lena's betrothed. Maxwell Lord IV, the son of Maxwell Lord III and future heir of the Lord fortune. The only man her family deemed "not completely beneath them."
In reality they were scared that the Lord family would remember that she had blue eyes and chestnut hair up until her fifth birthday. She fell ill and miraculously recovered. Her hair, eyes and demeanor completely changed. Little Maxwell didn't very much care for a girl he met once or twice. They were pawns meant to cement a deal between their fathers. Lex had been their winning piece, he married Alta Rockefeller, ensuring the Luthor fortune for decades to come.
Lena was a throwaway, given to the highest bidder who could provide their father with connections Lex needed to further his career as an attorney. It was lucky that Maxwell Lorde IV proved to be useful after Lex's marriage. Otherwise they would have found another pawn to replace him.
In 1907, the year little Leonora Adeline was born, Lex's second child, she packed all her belongings and followed her dream out west. Her heart took her further west than she had ever been. Plains and cities blended together until she could finally breathe. For the first time she was free.
She staked out a homestead claim and moved into a one-room shack, 14 feet by 16 feet, right at the edge of the forest, next to a lake and the snow-covered mountains. The city was miles from her front step. At night it was so dark and quiet that the only sounds she would hear were the ones made by the forest.
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Six months after living on her own, she put out an ad on the paper "Cowboy needed for ranch just outside of Butte. Interested parties can ask for Miss Lena Lutessa Luthor at the general store." The ad had been up for half a year, and still, she was alone. It was hard to compete with the mines. Men got rich from pulling gold out of the ground and didn't want to work in her ranch once they realized that it would mostly be forest land and they had to arrange for accommodations themselves. The mines offered room and board along with a salary.
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Lena had given up hope when, on a rainy night, her life changed. It was dark and Lena believed that it was raining all over the world with the way it kept coming down against the wooden walls of her home. The wind picked up and she heard footsteps on her porch. Her heart sped up and she set her book down near the stove. The only source of light and warmth. She grabbed a frying pan as the steps drew closer and shivered in fear. A knock came to the door just as lightning struck nearby and she screamed as she swung the frying pan at empty air.
"Miss Luthor are you all right?" Came a soft, sweet voice from the other side. Lena held a hand up to her face and laughed. Setting the pan down and feeling silly. "Yes. I'm sorry. Give me a minute." Lena answered loudly and headed towards the door. Passing her bed and grabbing the gun hidden under her pillow. She opened the door an inch, wary of anyone desperate enough to wander into her land at night.
Kind blue eyes greeted hers and she saw in them the freedom she had always craved and found out on this land. He was tall and lanky. Drenched from head to toe, baby soft skin didn't give away any stubble that would need shaving in the morning. He looked every bit a cowboy with his waterlogged white shirt that clung to his strong arms, black vest and light grey pants that matched the large handkerchief tied around his neck. He held a brown hat between his calloused hands and pulled out a yellowed piece of paper from inside it. "The job in the ad still free?" he asked as he handed Lena her own words back to her.
Surprised Lena took it and nodded. Long ago having given up hope of finding anyone willing to work her land when the mine was a better employer. "Why yes. It doesn't pay as much as the mines though. So if you're looking for more than $26 dollars a month without board, you can go back into town and ask for the Missus Grant." He shook his head. "No ma'am, out here is just fine. I have a bedroll and a tent. I can keep myself and my horses out here on your land." Lena nodded. "In that case you start tomorrow morning, knock when the sun comes up and I will tell you what needs to be done." Lena closed the door and turned the key, locking herself in.
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Lena had been wary of Ken Danvers at first. Not because he was a drunk that spent all his wages at the local whorehouse buying himself girls. Rather because he made her feel things she never thought existed outside the romance novels she kept tucked underneath her bed. Pretending she was too much of a serious scholar to pay them any mind by day and devouring them veraciously at night. He was soft spoken and kind to all. Regardless of who they were. He didn't mind that Lena only bought her things from Mr. Ling and was friends with his daughter. Ken went into town and faithfully bought his own groceries from them as well. Always willing to pass along any messages to Jessica from Lena without hesitating. Something other men refused to do. Ken seemed unaware of the dirty looks he got from the other men that refused to shop at a store run by nonwhites.
He bought his lumber from the Jones' and built a barn that could house his horses and still have room for her chickens and some stock come winter. He slept on the hayloft above them all. Lena felt guilty when the biting cold winter started to bring snow upon her narrow strip of Montana she called her very own. She pooled as much money as she could from the articles she sold to the magazines back east and bought a stove to put in the barn. She insisted that it was to keep the animals warm at night when the temperature dropped something fierce. Ken smiled at her like he knew that it was just for him and thanked her.
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It was nice, Lena thought often to herself, having a place to call her own that was green and free, with stretches of almost endless trees covering as far as the eye could see. The marvelous glory of the sunsets, as the sun disappeared behind the mountains made her feel less like she was indebted to the ghost of a girl who died so she could live with her family. She was happy. Watching Ken from afar and falling in love with a man that refused to beat the animals so they would bend to his will, but rather, whispered softly into their ears until they listened.
He would often catch her watching and pull the brim of his hat down, making her blush and hide away in her kitchen when he did. She felt safe with him, even when they slept in two separate places. He was nearby and solid. Always ready to check her house for brave squirrels that tried to keep warm in her house or stand guard outside her door whenever she had a nightmare that Lillian had found her and was going to steal her away from the only place that truly felt like home. Lena could only fall asleep to the sound of his fiddle. Letting her know that he was right outside and awake.
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She didn't know much about Ken, only what she learned from watching him. He kept stories from home locked away, not going out of his way to mention his past. She would have thought him an orphan but then the letters started coming. He admitted that he had a mother and a sister. Their father passed away when they were younger and Ken had to take over the family business until his sister married a young lawman named Garret. Alex took over and Ken left the young couple too start a family when he saw her ad in the paper. Making his way to her on top of an old wagon, having left his truck as a wedding gift to his sister. Opting to buy two ornery horses too stubborn to ride but too healthy to sell for glue to move his belonging with him.
Lena wanted to know everything about Ken but he kept everything close to his chest. She would have thought herself a pest if he didn't always blush around her or nearly loose his footing whenever she waved him over for his meals when he was out tending to the livestock. Eager to wave back and smile so hard that Lena was afraid his face would break in two from sheer joy of Lena paying attention to him.
After a while, Lena began to wonder what it would be like to get closer to him and kiss his cracked lips. To feel his calloused hands against her skin. To touch that wild, flaxen hair of his that almost touched his shoulders. It would come loose from its tie when he turned the hay over with the pitchfork. Sweat clinging to his skin and weighing down the stubborn hair that refused to stay in place.
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The truth came out the second summer he spent there. It was too hot to sleep indoors. Lena didn't often make a habit of pulling her mattress outside, even with Ken nearby, but that night was an exception. She woke up with a start when she heard a sound echo in the distance. Lena grabbed her gun, put on her shoes and followed it. Never once thinking of Ken in the barn, a quick jog away. She swallowed her fear and made her way towards the sound. Following the path towards the lake until she saw that it was just Ken, walking towards the water. Her relief was short lived, replaced by a fire, knowing why he was out at the lake this late into the night.
He looked around before taking his shoes off. Lena knew it was wrong to stay once his pants came off and she could see the plaid pattern of the underwear she'd made for him as a gift last Christmas. She'd saved up several flour bags to make him a couple of thigh length drawers. Knowing that he would refuse anything she'd buy him. Even if she had the money for it. She wanted to leave but was fascinated, having never seen a naked man before. Lena blushed as he stripped his shirt and undershirt. Gasping and nearly shooting the gun in her hand when they dropped away to reveal bandages on his upper chest. Ken slowly rolled them off, pushed down his drawers and jumped into the lake.
A dream. It had to be a dream Lena thought. Maybe it was her eyes playing tricks on her. She watched as he swam, smiling and laughing as he dunked his head in the water and reemerged again. Once he was done he climbed out and Lena's eyes watered. Ken's body was muscular and so very feminine. Not lanky at all. His clothes and the bandages hid his true figure. He slipped on his underwear, climbed into his boots, grabbed his clothes and headed right towards the barn, and coincidently Lena.
Whistling a jaunty tune he was unaware of her presence until he was a couple of feet away. He saw her and the color drained from his face. He covered his chest with his clothes as best he could. "Miss Luthor how long have you… how long have you been standing there?" Ken coughed and looked towards the lake behind him, trying to see if Lena knew for sure. If he could see past the dock he built. Lena smiled sadly and wiped at the tears at the corners of her eyes with the hand that wasn't holding the gun aimed at the ground. "Long enough." She said, refusing to lie.
Ken nodded, looked around and started walking closer. "I'm sorry I… I…" Ken looked as heartbroken as she felt. "I'll pack up and leave right away." Lena nodded sadly, hugging herself and following a couple of steps behind. They stopped in front of her porch. Ken opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, reaching out to offer Lena some comfort until he saw her flinch. He gave her a watery smile that didn't reach his eyes and turned away.
Lena cried herself to sleep that night, that hollowed feeling she had run away from chasing her into a fitful sleep. It hurt to know that the one person she saw herself building a life was just another ghost. She wanted something real and solid. Instead she fell in love with a mirage.
The next morning she went into the barn to get some feed for the chickens and she dropped to her knees. Everything was still here. Ken had left with nothing but the clothes on his back. Or her back, now that Lena knew the truth. She couldn't breathe. It hurt too much to still feel Ken everywhere in here and have it feel empty. Lena touched the dresser that he made from scraps of wood. A combination of scraps leftover from Lena's own Christmas gift. A beautiful dresser painted dark brown. And wood from other projects, like the table and bed he made for himself. Her mother would hate the Frankenstein's monster look of it, but to Lena it just screamed Ken. She opened the top drawer and wiped at her eyes. His underwear made from flour sacks neatly folded. Next to those were the letter written in the beautiful cursive she recognized as Alex's.
She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't help herself. Knowing that whatever she read wouldn't be worse than what she found out on the lake.
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"Dearest Ken,
Here I am, awaiting anxiously for our baby to truly be ours. Maggie found a tiny wailing thing outside the bar two days ago. No name, no diaper, no clothes. Left for dead in a size 12 shoe box. Mama is getting her papers from that man that helped us when papa died. Jeraline Kara Sawyer is gonna be her name. In honor of Jeremiah and you. I love you and please stay safe.
As per your request, regarding L.L.L. I can't allow you to expose yourself to the world like that. I know you think you love her, but you can't tell anyone your secret. Don't let your heart cloud your judgement. If anyone found out, they would hang you. They've lynched men for less than this. I know it's lonely, but the truth will get you killed and I can't lose my baby sister.
Much Love,
Alex Sawyer"
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"Kara." Lena whispered to herself as she re-read the letter. Tear filled eyes struggling to catch the words for a second time. Lena wondered if she was the L.L.L. Alex was talking about. Stupidly longing for someone she knew nothing about… yet she knew Kara's heart was as pure as the snow that blanketed the mountains each winter.
Lena's thoughts were interrupted when she heard the bald tires of an old car scrape against the dirt road leading up to her homestead. She dropped the letter and ran outside. Her eyes met Kara's unfocused gaze and she cried harder. Relief flooding her body. She sprinted forward without thinking, nearly getting herself run over by a spooked Jess, who could barely break in time.
"I'm guessing this sorry heap belongs to you?" Jess said, leaning out of her car and pointing towards Kara. Lena nodded and opened the door. Kara's face lit up when she recognized Lena. "Hey Lena, I was just telling my new friends down at the… down at the.." She squinted and blew out a breath as the word eluded her. "the bar?" Lena asked, raising an eyebrow as she maneuvered a strong arm over her shoulder. Kara nodded as heavy eyelids dropped with sleep. "Yes. That's the word. You make such good mouth with your words." Jess laughed as she rounded the front of her car. Lena rolled her eyes as she helped Kara out of the car. "Do you mind getting him to my bed?"
Jess' eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Your bed? Wasn't Midvale over here sleeping out in the barn last we spoke?" Lena tried to shrug, finding it impossible with the added weight on her shoulders. "You want to carry him all the way to the barn, you can do it alone. My place is closer." Jess nodded and helped as much as she could. Kara might be underweight for her size, but she was still pure muscle, being made heavier by the fact that she was almost passed out. Once they got Kara inside, Lena closed the door to her house and followed Jess to her car.
"Thank you, for bringing Ken home." Jess nodded at Lena's words and looked back towards the house. "I know it's not my place Lena… but you best be careful…" Jess warned. "What, what are you talking about?" Lena stuttered, dreading where this conversation could be headed. "Isn't it obvious?" Jess asked rhetorically before continuing. "That boy's sweet on you. The minute you kicked him out on his sorry behind he found the first bar he could and drank away half his wages… you… you have to let him down easy if you're not interested. Because I get you running across the country to get away from your family but he's not the type to run when things get rough. He was planning on drinking until he found the courage to come back and talk to you about some giant misunderstanding he kept alluding to."
Jess hugged her. "Life isn't as dramatic as those stories you sell to the fancy magazines you know. He loves you and you've loved him from afar as long as he's been working on your stupid ranch. You deserve to be happy Lena… even if it's not the version of happiness your parents wanted for you." Lena tightened her arms around Jess. "Thank you Jess… for always being such a good friend." Jess nodded and released her. Getting back into her car and driving away.
Lena did the work that would normally be reserved for Kara. Thinking about the woman that lay in her bed as she did. It was hard holding onto that feeling of betrayal when there was so much resting on Kara's shoulder's regarding who she truly was. Lena guesses that she felt entitled to the truth simply because she loved Ken… "would loving Kara be any different?" She asked herself over as she made quick work of the daily chores.
Night fell and the stars shone brightly. The dark sky unbroken by the light from the city. Too far from her land to make her feel like she was truly part of the world outside of the homestead. Lena stared at them. Hoping God would speak to her through their steady blinking. All she got back was silence. She sighed and walked the short road home.
No light shone inside her windows and Lena glanced back at the outline of the barn. Considering sleeping there for a moment before gathering up her courage and stepping onto the porch. The door swung open as soon as she did. Kara stood in front of her, looking so small and sad that it almost made her cry again. Her heart went out to her but she stood her ground. "I'm sorry…" Kara started before Lena interrupted her. "For lying, running away or getting drunk?" She asked, raising her left eyebrow, and crossing her arms in front of herself.
Kara rubbed her face and pushed her hair back. "All of it?" She asked, curving into herself before continuing. "My real name is Kara Danvers… I was 13 when my parents died. I got adopted by the Danvers and it was wonderful. I had a family again… but… Jeremiah, he died one day, trying to do the right thing. And… well… everyone knew Alex and Eliza but they didn't know me. They forged some papers so that I could run his finances. His widow had no claim if she was unmarried, according to some slick city lawyer. But if he had a male heir, he could run his estate. So that's what we did." Kara wiped at her face.
"I waited until Alex got married. I wanted to stay but I also didn't want to put our family at risk. See… her husband… he's just like me." Lena nodded, thinking back to the letter sitting on top of the drawer she read. Alex's husband Garret made more sense now that she knew that her real name was closer to Margaret. "She also got put into a situation where it was safer to pretend to be somebody else so she could survive… and…" Kara paused, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes.
"I know… I know I'm not the right sex. And I know that you don't love me, but I love you Lena. And I wanted to tell you the truth for the longest time… but Alex thought that is was too dangerous and she knows that not all women… that they don't all have the same proclivities as me… and even if you don't love me, I want to stay. I like the life we have here…" Kara's eyes remained closed as tears rolled down her eyes. "I can stay out in the barn, if you'll still have me. And I can… I can learn how to control these unnatural feelings for you, but please, don't sent me away. I'm not… I'm not strong enough to tolerate the pain of losing you too. Not after losing so much already."
Lena thought back to all the times she watched Kara working tirelessly on her land. How in love she was with this kind, gentle soul and how Ken wasn't any more worth of her love because she thought he was a man than the woman standing in front of her. She brushed Kara's hair behind her ears and kissed her. Feeling a sort of happiness swell in her chest as Kara held her tight against her body. Relief and forgiveness leaking into the kiss. Kara Laughed against her lips and Lena felt… she felt effervescent. Like the bubbles floating to the top of the expensive champagne bottles her parents imported from France for Lex's wedding. It was a joyous feeling that told her they were both home.