You Deserve So Much Better

March 16, 1920

As the minutes ticked by, Mary grew more and more nervous. She had longed for this moment for so long, seen it in her dreams, and imagined every possible outcome. Yet while Anna was finishing braiding her hair, Mary felt stuck. In her ethereal white nightdress, she looked the perfect vision of bridal innocence on the night of her wedding.

As Carlisle had said, however, that wasn't the whole story. Though Matthew had thus far remained true to his word and not resurrected the long-dead Kemal Pamuk, she worried that tonight might break him.

She wondered what he was thinking at that moment. Had Molesley finished with him yet? Was he as nervous as she was? Was he pacing outside her door, not knowing what the protocol was for a husband and wife? Well, at least one of her questions was answered as she heard a soft rapping upon her door.

"Mary? Can I come in?" His voice was light. He was nervous. At least she wasn't the only one. Mary moved up, smoothed her nightdress, and made her way to the door. Slowly, she opened it. Matthew's face lit up in surprise to see her opening the door for him and he grinned as his eyes glanced over her fine figure. God, he loved her. He was so damn lucky. So damn lucky that he had come to his senses and asked her to marry him. And now she was his wife! He would know her in every way he once thought impossible.

Realizing he was still standing outside, he moved into the room and swallowed nervously. She was enchanting, and he was, well, a middle-class solicitor who had once been denied all chance at true marital happiness. But he pushed those thoughts aside. Tonight was for them. The first step in making up for all their lost time and stupid mistakes. Mary closed the door and leaned against it (looking far more comfortable than she felt). He held out his hand to her and smiled softly. Her eyes grew soft as well and began to walk over to his waiting embrace.

This was right, both of them thought. As their lips finally met, Mary brought her hands, nearly trembling, to cup her dear husband's face. How she loved him so! He was so kind, so pure, so perfect. How she ever thought him full of himself and a prig, she'd never know. He was the most humble man she had ever met. He was her guiding light, and the sun to outshine all the darkness. All the darkness that rested inside her. God, she had made so many mistakes. She wondered how after treating him terribly so many times, Matthew would even want to be with her.

Mary deepened their kiss, opening her mouth to his and running her hands along his shoulders. But images of her past assaulted her. Matthew deserved a pure and chaste bride, someone who was as good as him, and someone who treated him much better than she ever had. Someone like Lavinia, her traitorous mind whispered to her.

She broke their kiss and laid down on their bed. Matthew followed, his eyes dark with lust and love. As he leaned down to kiss her, settling his body between her legs, her mind flashed to another man who had been above her in just the same position. And suddenly, she could not hold back her emotions any longer. His lips were about to touch hers once more before her hand covered her mouth to hold in her sobs. Understandably, Matthew was very worried.

"Darling, what is it? Did I lean on your hair? Did I… hurt you?" His blue eyes were clear and vulnerable.

Mary's sobs continued, but she tried to hold them in as best she could. Oh, how she loved him. "It's just…you deserve so much better!"

"What do you mean?" Matthew had moved over to sit next to Mary on the left side of the bed, and looked at her with wide eyes. He was in disbelief. It seems Mary was worried as well, and apparently much more worried than him.

"I know we promised never to resurrect him, but Matthew, I just feel like he's ruined this night. I want to be yours, yours alone." She took in a shuddering sigh. "And I never can be. I never will be. You deserve better." Mary quickly wiped her eyes and shrugged helplessly as he stared at her, mouth open in shock.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing. I refuse to let Kemal Pamuk- " Mary flinched at his sharp slinging of the name- "ruin the first night of my marriage to the woman I've been in love with for eight years now."

"Matthew, don't you see- "

"It doesn't make a bit of difference to me, Mary." He took her hand in both of his. His voice was sincere. "And the way you described the encounter, it doesn't sound like he gave you much choice. He told you that you would be ruined no matter whether you let him or he had to- to- force himself…on you."

"But- "

"We said we would leave him in the past. I'm doing so. I only hope you can too, because I so desperately want to be your husband in every sense of the word. And after six years of waiting, don't you think it's time we- "

He was cut off as Mary crashed his lips to hers. It was an awkward kiss, with teeth clashing together, but Mary had never felt so loved as in that moment. Eventually the deep kiss softened, and tongues parted as husband and wife took a breath.

"I love you." Mary whispered into his ear.

"I love you." Matthew whispered back, kissing the shell of her ear. "Can I make love to my astoundingly beautiful wife now?" Mary's eyes lit up and she laughed at his obvious eagerness. She laid back on the bed, bringing her husband with her. Now her eyes were deliciously dark.

"Carry on, darling. I'm yours to take."

November 10, 1928

Mary had been unable to fall asleep so far that night. The nightmares were always worst on this day of the year. For several years, Matthew had tried to stay awake all night, knowing that it was better to be half asleep the next morning than to relive those four years in the trenches once more.

Now, as the war became more a figment of the past, the dreams had weakened in vividness and intensity, and Matthew had begun to sleep through the night without only one or two nightmares.

Instead, Mary stayed up, reliving losing her husband (well, he hadn't been her husband then) to a war because of her own insecurity, and watching him dance and kiss a woman that wasn't her. She always worried about him on this night. Even in sleep, his brow was more furrowed, and she had to resist the urge to smooth it out with her thumb. Sometimes touching him was the only way she could truly reassure herself that he's with her and not in France. He was with her and their four children, not fighting the Huns in a bloody trench. He needed his sleep tonight.

Mary had been watching the moonlight change throughout the night when suddenly Matthew cried out in his sleep. He was nearly frantic; a nightmare as bad as this hadn't happened in a long time.

She stroked his forehead and silently begged him to come back to her as his arms moved wildly. A tear streamed down her cheek as she heard him yell out her name. Eventually, he managed to wake up. His body was covered in sweat. It was a bad one, then.

"Mary?" His voice was like a child's. It reminded her of their wedding night, when he had softly knocked on her door.

"It's all right, darling. You're with me." She continued to repeat this while resting her head on his chest and her hand on his heart. His breathing finally began to slow to a normal rate.

A few minutes later, they simply laid together, both thinking of different times when they had not belonged to one another.

"You deserve so much better." The strength at which Matthew suddenly spit out those words frightened Mary.

"What do you mean?"

"It's been ten years since that bloody war ended, and I still can't get the images out of my fucking head." Matthew looked ashamed at his language while Mary didn't even bat an eyelash. She simply moved a hand up to his forehead to move the lock that always fell into his eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"You, shouldn't have had to live through it. None of you should have. It was all dreadfully unfair, and truth be told I'm so thankful I didn't have to go. I just wish you hadn't gone either." Matthew didn't know if he agreed with that. He was a fine soldier, in fact he was Captain Crawley, a respected officer. But the horrors. He had done his part for king and country gladly, but would always be bitter about the conditions that war had subjected him too. He began to watch the moonlight move through the room as well.

Hesitantly, Mary spoke again. "Do you remember our wedding night?"

"Of course."

"Do you remember what I said to you?" Matthew didn't respond, but guessed where this was going. "I said that you deserved so much better. And you said to leave the past behind us."

"Well I'm obviously not doing very well if I still wake up in the middle of the night after ten years like a damn fool." He couldn't bring himself to look at her.

"I'm not doing very well either. In fact, I haven't slept a wink tonight. No, don't worry, I'll be fine for tomorrow." She sighed before continuing. "I guess all I'm saying is that we should try. Try to leave the past behind us. Look forward. Look to George, Eleanor, Mabel, and Lilly. Maybe then we can finally get past those four years of hell." Her eyes pleaded with him, begging him to understand and agree with her. He didn't respond. "Okay?"

"Okay." He softly kissed her lips. "I love you."

"I love you too. Now let's get some sleep. We have four children to wrangle to the ceremony bright and early tomorrow morning. We're going to need all the rest we can get."

"That we are."

Wow! Here we are. I've been a huge fan of Mary and Matthew for almost two years now, and have finally gotten up the courage to write them! I haven't posted on this site for about five years I think, but rest assured I've still been very active reading in many different fandoms. I have at least another one shot almost done and ready to post and more prompts from the awesome alliluna/hufflepuffhermione to keep me active with lots of ideas. I hope this is the start of a lot of writing!

You can find me on tumblr at galindadaae, where I'm basically an MM blog with a side of musicals.

(As this is my first fan fiction in the Downton fandom, please leave a review! I would love to hear what you think! And I'm very nervous to post this because Mary and Matthew are my babies and I hope I've done them justice.)

((Also please go check out the new fic Less Broken by alliluna on here, I may have designed the cover photo and beta the fic!))