This could be a big mistake. This could set me back completely. This could destroy me all over again. These are the thoughts that run through Patterson's head as she makes her way towards the cemetery, towards David's grave.
Over the past week, she'd debated with herself whether to go or not. She knew she had to acknowledge the first anniversary of his death in some way, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to confront him again. When she'd asked the rest of the team about it, they had all said that it was "her decision" and that she should do "what's right for her". Trouble was, though, she didn't really know what was "right" for her anymore, especially after everything that had happened.
She wrapped her fleece-lined coat tighter around her as the bitter wind attacked her skin. It was a Monday morning, so the cemetery was relatively quiet. She was grateful for that; she didn't want any sympathy from onlooking strangers.
She took a sharp intake a breath when she found his grave. There were fresh flowers on it, so clearly, someone else was thinking of him, too. She hadn't been invited to go to his funeral, but it didn't matter because at the time, she wouldn't have had the strength to attend it anyways. Taking a deep breath, she carefully knelt down in front of his headstone, setting her handbag down beside her.
She shook her head and half-laughed, unable to believe that she was doing this.
"I must be crazy," she whispered, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but we're about to find out".
Her fingers traced the letters of David's name carved into the headstone. She had to do this. For him.
"Well, David", she sighed, "here I am. The first time that I'm visiting your grave, and it's on your anniversary". She winced at her words, hoping that no one else was secretly listening to her.
"It's been a really shit year. And no, not just because you died, but believe me, that was a big part of it. Remember that guy I told you about once? His name was… Borden?" She gritted her teeth as she spoke his name. That's one grave that she would never visit. "Well, we, uh, we started dating a few months after you died. I thought he was great, he… he made me breakfast in bed, he made sure I ate at work when I was stressed, he… he was great. The perfect boyfriend. Until.. until I realised that I had been stupid enough to fall for a terrorist".
Tears began to roll down her cheeks as the memories of everything that had happened came flooding back to her. She'd lost countless hours of sleep over it, she'd lost a tooth over it… it was a nightmare that seemed like it would never end.
"He, uh, he was working for them the whole time, and I was dumb enough to miss it. He wasn't even called Borden, he was actually called Nigel Thornton". Her blood boiled as she spoke his name. "He… he shot me, he tortured me, he allowed a bug to be planted in my tooth so they could get information without me knowing…" She rubbed her eyes furiously and wiped her nose with her sleeve. "God, I was so stupid".
She stared at the letters of his name, her eyes becoming blurry with tears. "During an op, I managed to corner him. I told him that there was nowhere for him to go, that there was a nice cosy cell waiting for him. I was going to get my revenge, my justice. And then the bastard decided to blow himself up, leaving just enough time for me to get out".
She tried to catch her breath as she sobbed, her tears trickling down onto the cement. She didn't know if this was the right thing to do, but she knew that she owed David the truth.
"I, uh, I'll never, ever, get over you and how I played a part in your death. I wish more than anything that I could turn back the clock, back to that morning at the coffee vender, so I could tell you that I love you too. I still do, David," she whispered. "I never stopped, not really. A part of my soul aches for you every single day. I miss your huge smile, I miss your competitiveness when playing Scrabble, I miss waking up with you every morning, I miss the way you smelled after a shower, I miss the way that you'd always give me a bit of confidence when I needed it. I just… I miss you. So damn much".
She exhaled deeply and briefly closed her eyes.
"I know you're here somewhere, listening to me rambling and watching me cry over you. I know that you're never gonna leave me. And I know that I'm never gonna find a guy as great as you. Because you were everything, David, and I stupidly didn't realise it until it was too late".
Suddenly, she heard her phone vibrate inside her bag. It was a text from Tasha - "Where are you?". Patterson responded briefly - "I'll be there in ten minutes" - before putting her phone back in her bag.
"I gotta go, duty calls," she half-laughed. "But I… I do have something for you". She carefully reached inside her handbag and pulled out a single rose. She gently placed it beside the other fresh flowers. She then took out eight Scrabble pieces. Beside the flowers, she arranged the pieces until they spelt out "I LOVE YOU".
She sat back on her heels, wiping away the rest of her tears. "I just thought I'd put it in writing as well, seeing as I didn't have the courage to tell you that morning".
She pushed herself off the ground and swung her handbag over her shoulder again. "Goodbye, David," she whispered, looking at his headstone one last time. Taking a deep breath, she then walked out of the cemetery and called down a cab so she could make her way to work.
As she sat in the back seat of the cab, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
She realised that she didn't regret going to see him at all. Now, for the first time in a very long time, she finally felt ready to move on with her life.