-- ASK VISSER 3 --
Want to get in on some knockout overlord know-how? Need to perfect your evil laugh? You've turned to the right page! This issue of "Evilness Today" -- Your source for information from the evil overlords of great -- will be focusing on a Q and A of none other than your favorite Andalite villain -- Visser 3.
Dear furry one:
I've heard that ty is considering you for it's 1 millionth beanie baby. Please say it isn't so!
-- A distressed fan
Dear obnoxious one:
Of course not. I have my best ranking yeerks in charge of the Ty cooperation. Why do you think they retired the little buggers?
Mr. Three:
I'd be interested to know what products you think are helpful for an aspiring evil overlord to endorse.
--Dark Prince
Dear Dork - I mean, Dark:
Right now, I'm endorsing a product that I think is beneficial and helpful to others. You may have seen it on the Animorphs TV Show, I believe the set producers used it for the Yeerk Pool filling.
It's.. *puts on tap shoes, cane, and silly hat* Yeerky milk, yeerky milk! Oh, I love Yeerky milk! It makes me happy when I am down! The competition just makes me frown! OOOOH Yeerky milk! *goes into a softshoe routine* Ta da! *throws the tap shoes, cane and silly hat at the stupid person who wrote the letter*
Yo! Visser!
So tell me, I've been dying to know -- are the rumors true about you and Leo Decaprio?
Yo, Nameless One:
Absolutely NOT! How sick! I would never!
.....
Incidentally, uh.. Who told you that?
Your Yeerkiness --
I would love some inside info on the quality of your evil laugh -- How ever did you perfect it? Did you have the help of an expert, or is it natural?
--Zestfully Clean in Zero-space
Dear Zestful:
No, of course it's not natural. My trademark evil laugh was obtained through hard work and sweat, lonely nights out on the backporch of the ol' pool with an instructor, and plenty of tinfoil. That's the secret, doncha know. Most people think that all it takes is a hearty 'Bwahahahaha', and although personally I prefer the Italian-esque qualities of the deep throaty 'Muahahaha', you can't do a thing without that tinfoil. 'Reynolds' brand usually works best.
Oh, Vissy --
I can't believe I'm actually writing to you! Please print this! Please! I love your show! I love the way you look on it -- all rugged and brave. You remind me of my former obsession, one of the muppets! Please tell me how you get your fur so carpet-like! Will you marry me?!
--Frenzied Fanatic
Dear Frenzied:
You moron. Visser 3 on the show is played by a young man with blue carpeting slung over his shoulders, two arms, an extra set of legs controlled by bad robotics, and a tail which he never uses. Also a pair of stalk eyes that are made out of styrofoam. There is a reason he and Ax were forced to armwrestle instead of have a nicely organized tail fight. *sigh* Marry you? Well, I was all signed up to be the next Millionaire in that nice 'Who Wants To Marry A Multi Millionaire' show, but they canceled it for some reason. Too, too bad.
Hey, Visser!
Please tell me how you got such a great position! I've been working at this for years, and I haven't made it past 'hapless minion'.
--Taxxon extra
Extra:
I suggest wearing a sign around your neck stating 'Taxxomon', and wandering into Pokemon HQ by 'mistake'. I hear they're holding auditions for the TV show.
To Visser Three:
The other day my flight commander informed me that I've been having trouble with the correct sequence of verb tenses. Could you help me out? How, for instance, should you state a sentance with the subordinate and independent clauses of both different verb tenses, such as one might experience with Z-space time travel? I can't believe I've been using sequences in modifiers and subordinate clauses so horribly wrong.
--Horrified on the Homeworld
To Horrified:
Although the various shades of time and sequence are usually conveyed adequately in informal speech and writing, especially by native speakers and writers, they can create havoc in academic writing and those foreign to the earthly language of English. This difficulty is especially evident in complex sentences when there is a difference between the time expressed in an independent clause and the time expressed in a dependent clause. Another difficulty arises with the use of infinitives and participles, modals which also convey a sense of time. As long as the main clause's verb is in neither the past nor the past perfect tense, the verb of the subordinate clause can be in any tense that conveys meaning accurately. When the main clause verb is in the past or past perfect, however, the verb in the subordinate clause must be in the past or past perfect.
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And that's all for this week's Q&A page of 'Evilness Today'. If you would like your question answered on next weeks edition - where we'll talk with Deborah Forte, the evil genius behind AniTV -- send your questions to our Director of Emails at obscure_rhetoric@yahoo.com. In order to help the editors of 'Evilness Today' up-to-date with consumer thoughts, please fill out the Review Insert below.