I read one too many story where Harry gets a letter from Sirius and then... does stuff. I don't know. Rape Bella? And Cissy too? Start Weasley bashing? Going on a rampage and ending up with exterminate all the rats in Hamlin? Getting Dumbledore arrested as a paedophile? or Snape as a necrophilie? Hooking up with Draco? Have a Crabb-cake? Elope with Hermione, then find out she's Ginny under polyjuice, hire send assassins to kill her, who get a morphed Tonks instead, and ending up with Harry owing restitutions to Andromeda, paying his dues in his own 'special way', then, looking for some sisterly love, raping Bella? and Cissy too? Something like that.

I finally had enough, and couldn't resist making something of it.

So this is what I came up with. Sorry for the Vulgarity.

And don't blame me. I'm talking to a towel, for fuck's sake!

Disclaimer: Don't drive drunk. Don't dial drunk. Try avoiding shagging drunk, you don't know where (or with whom) you will end up. But writing fanfiction drunk is the only way, otherwise you'd realize your wasting your time and talent... after all, you don't own Harry Potter, you don't profit from writing, the whole shebang.

Well, neither do I.

A/N: This is the Towlie free version of this story, for you South-Park flamers. I started writing it that way, then towlie came, we got high, and he bribed me, in his own special way, into writing him into the story. So II did a second edition, you can find it in chapter 2. I wouldn't though, if I it was me.

No… I was kidding, chapter 2 is gooood! Seriously, I wrote more dialogues, commentary, back-story and even that blasted sequel in chapter 3. Still, I strongly recommend reading this clean, stand-alone version first. Or after. Or even along side. If for nothing else, it's good for a laugh.

Chapter 3 is the ordained demise of the Dark Lord, and an ode to Hair-Care products. It is completely unrelated to the first two chapters, and is the best yet. Still, it would be a good idea if you need read chapter 2 first. BTW, with the last story I published here, I noticed that in two days I got 500 hits. "Neat!" I said, then I saw that the first chapter got 300 and the second only 200. Which is good enough, but still, a full 100 readers read the first chapter and didn't go on to the next, which is a pity, as the first was an intro, and was nothing like the rest of the story, and if anything, it was foreshadowing the last two chapters and the planned sequel. The actual story was way better. So this time I'm taking no chances. In this story, the three chapters are not related, and each new one is better then the last. If you think otherwise, don't hesitate to tell me, I'm open for suggestions and I can always edit this story. (hint: reviews, we likes them, precious, oh yes we do!)

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"...So, Harry. I want you to promise to have fun, shag many birds, drink a lot of beer, then some more, the Shag the rest.

"I wrote you this because to have a will I have to be of sound mind and body... and face it - I just spent twelve years in Azkaban, of course my body is a wrack.

"With that, My dear Harry, I bid you goodbye... know that you always have a star above shinning just for you. I'd go for mooning, but that's more up Remus's alley.

"Your loving godfather,

"Serious

(for once)

Sirius.

Harry finished reading the letter, moisture in his eyes. "I will, Sirius, I will."

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"But Mr. Dumbledore, your brother is just over there, why can't you ask him instead?"

"What, trust Albus with Shrewit? Never!"

"Oh Kay," said Harry carefully.

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"Well, who else could it be?", demanded Ron, enraged. "I have red hair, Neville's sandy, Seamus is brown and Dean shaves, so It can only be you! You're the only one here with black hair! And you did promise Sirius you would shag after drinking, and yesterday evening in the Hog's Head, having succumbed to Aberfoth pleas for me to take care of his goat for the weekend, you and me got drinking so bad you must have thought Fifi is... Is… I don't know, Lavender?"

"If anything, I would go with Malfoy. It's the hair, you see, all that white." said Harry, unperturbed.

"Aeww, don't make me sick!" Ron might have turned green at this point, but seeing as he already have, it passed unnoticed. "And Malfoy's a ferret, not a goat! And what would he be doing in Gryffindor tower?"

"And what would I have to do with Malfoy? I have promised Sirius to get drunk and shag girls!" replied Harry, triumphantly. "You see! It couldn't be me!"

"But it's the hair! Like you said Harry, it's the hair! Who else would have black pubic hair?" asked Ron.

"...err... Harry kinda have a point, Ron. Like the next kid, he would shag Lavender, but Malfoy?" wondered Neville. "Who would shag Malfoy?"

Ron and Harry looked at each other. "Snape!" they both exclaimed.

"Snape could make his way in here," started Neville slowly, "as a teacher he would have access, even if McGonagall would frown upon the head of Slytherin coming uninvited and unescorted into 'her' domain. And he does have the black hair. But wouldn't he know where exactly Malfoy is? mean, he practically lord over the Slytherin dungeons!"

Harry and Ron looked at each other, then looked away, in dawning apprehension.

"Ewww!" said Harry.

"Blarge!" said Ron.

"What is it?" asked Neville, worryingly.

"Greasy git didn't think it was Malfoy!" offered Ron, in a way of explanation.

"Then wah- ... never mind. Blarge! Blarge! Blaaarrrrge!"

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In his chambers, Dumbledore was finding new uses for his wand maintenance kit.

"Damn Alastor and his practical jokes," he thought. "mixing asphalt with my Vaseline. Humpff!"

The End!

And Towlie says: "Don't forget to bring a towel!"

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A/N: This fic is slightly AU, as I pretended that only 6th year Gryffindor boys could get into the 6th year Gryffindor boys' dormitory, from amongst the students at least, and we know that's not true, as Hermione managed to come in, and she's a girl. Or at least, most people assume she is. But maybe she's a boy? She's certainly smart enough to find a way to circumvent the wards protecting the girls dorms and get inside, getting an eyeful every night. I'm sure Sirius, at least, and probably James as well, had done that on more then one occasion. Or maybe Hermi's pretending she's a girl in order to get one of the boys hooked with him and only tell him he's a dude after one of these binding magical marriage contracts. She's certainly not into girly / womanly stuff like Lav & Parv are. And she did obsess with Lockhart, after all. Who knows? Certainly not I, I value my life, lord. My sanity too, to some degree.