It had been two weeks since everything went down with Lilith. Everyone had begun looking for Clary after Jace had refused to admit she was dead. There was no body, and Jace wouldn't rest until he found one.
Alec had healed from his stab wound quite well and wanted to get back out into the field about a day after his injury. Everyone refused. The parabatai had talked and while Magnus knew that Jace still felt guilty for what the Owl had done, the excitement with Clary was distracting him from worrying about it too much.
Simon wasn't doing the best, but no one really could, given his situation. His girlfriend skipped town, he hurt his sister, and he had to convince his mother he was dead after hearing her call him a monster. Him and Izzy seemed to be getting closer though, and Magnus feared that if Maia didn't come back soon, whatever relationship they may have had left will be no more.
And Magnus? Well he's doing fine, right? Giving up his whole life has practically no effect on him. He's perfectly okay with the fact that he was practically a mundane now. He's completely fine with the fact that he had no idea what he should do with his life now, right?
The truth though? Magnus couldn't be farther from alright. When he first got back, defeating the Owl and Lilith took up all his attention. Then it was figuring out how to heal Alec, and then how to deal with the whole Clary situation.
Now, Magnus has had the time to think, and it's what he hated doing the most at the moment. He had no magic, he was no longer immortal. He was basically just another mundane. A very old mundane, but a mundane none the less, and he really didn't know what to do with that.
Who was he? What was he supposed to do with his life now? After losing his position of High Warlock, he decided to focus on clients to keep him busy, but now? Now there was nothing he could do.
'And all for a Shadowhunter?' he couldn't help but think bitterly. Magnus knew he had no right, but every time he flicked his wrist, and nothing happened he got just a little bit angrier, and as much as he wished that he wouldn't, that anger was usually directed at Alec.
He hadn't said anything out loud to the young Shadowhunter, but every time he is reminded that he did this for him. Magnus knew, if it weren't for Alec, he'd be as far away from any Nephilim as one could get. If it weren't for Alec a lot of things would be different.
And where was his darling Shadowhunter? Out. All the time, and Magnus knew it was completely unreasonable to be upset because Clary came first now, but by Lilith it was always something else that came first. There was always something and Magnus can't describe the pain he felt every time that man he loves walked out of the loft, without even noticing the pain he was in.
It was different before. Before Magnus would be walking out the door right with him, but now. Now he can't do that. Now he'd just get in the way. Of course, Alec had apologized for what Magnus had to do, but it was rushed and said in between figuring out what to do next. It wasn't heartfelt, and it just didn't feel as sincere as it should have been. It just didn't feel like Alec really understood what Magnus had given up. What he had given up for him.
So, Magnus sat, in his loft with a half-drunk bottle of whiskey beside him, feeling entirely useless. Maybe he should talk to Alec and tell him how he was feeling. They had been working on communication after all, but Magnus didn't want to talk.
He wanted to scream, he wanted to be angry, he wanted to tear the loft apart and make it understand the pain he felt. He wanted Alec to understand the pain he felt. The hollow empty feeling without his magic running through his veins.
Magnus was pulled out of his thoughts as the door opened behind him. As much as he knew he should get up to greet the man he loves, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.
So, he sat, with his mostly drunk bottle beside him as Alec made his way over to him. "Hey," the boy said.
"How was it?" Magnus replied hollowly, barely looking at Alec.
"Not much of a lead. Jace is trying anything he can, but we can't track her and there's no evidence as to where Clary could have gone." Magnus did catch the concerned look that Alec was giving him and figured that had to mean some sort of progress.
"Maybe she is dead." Magnus regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He didn't mean them, but he didn't take them back either.
"What are you saying, that we should just stop looking for her? How could you think to give up on her like that? On Jace like that?" Magnus flinched back at the name. Jace. It was always Jace, and it always would be.
"In case you haven't noticed Alec, I don't care about Shadowhunters as much as you and many others seem to think I do," he spat. He saw Alec flinch back as if he had been slapped, but Magnus couldn't stop himself. He was so close to snapping completely.
"Magnus! They're my family! How could you say something like that?"
"Because I am tired Alec!" he snapped. "I am tired of caring about a species that has treated me like filth for my whole existence! I am tired of giving up everything to help the Nephilim! I am tired of giving up everything." His last sentence was said weakly, because he really was just tired.
"This is about your powers," Alec said in realization. "Magnus you have to know that none of us meant for that to happen. I didn't want you to have to do this." Magnus didn't hold back his scoff. Yes he did. Of course he wanted Magnus to do it to himself, because absolutely nothing was worth losing his precious parabatai.
"That doesn't matter Alec! It doesn't matter that you didn't mean for this to happen! It did happen and now I have no idea what that means for me! I have no idea what I am supposed to do with the rest of my now very short time left, because I gave up everything for you Alec! Don't you get that? I have done everything foryou and now I have nothing left!" Magnus shouted, and by Lilith it felt great.
"I never asked you to Magnus!" Alec shouted back. "I didn't ask you to go to Edom and I certainly didn't ask you to make that deal with your father! You made that decision!"
"It's not like your really tried to stop me! It's not like you cared enough to tell me not to!"
"I did!" Alec defended.
"Barely," Magnus spat. "Because nothing will ever be as important to you as the perfect Jace Herondale. As long as he's okay nothing else matters, right?"
"You can't ask me to choose between you and my parabatai!"
"Trust me Alec, I'm not. That question has already been answered loud and clear."
"That is not fair, and you know it!"
"I don't want to be fair Alec!" Magnus screamed. "I don't want to be reasonable! I want to scream, I want to cry, and I just want something to show for everything I have done! I want something, because I will never have the gratitude of Shadowhunters, and I will never truly have you either. Because there is always something. Something is always more important, and I am tired of it Alec, I am tired!"
"You act like I haven't given up anything for you! I came out for you! I passed up a position in Alicante for you!" Alec shouted.
"Would you be de-runed?" Magnus asked coldly.
"What?" Alec asked, trying to figure out what that to do with their argument.
"Let's say the Clave made it a law that Shadowhunters couldn't be with Downworlders. What would you do Alec? Would you give up who you are for me?"
Alec stood, mouth open, not answering. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no sound came out
"Well, there you go. I gave up who I am for you Alec, and you wouldn't do the same for me. You thought with my immortality that you somehow meant less to me? Look at how wrong you are." Magnus had stopped screaming, all his energy spent. He turned away from Alec and began walking to the balcony.
"Do you regret it?" Magnus stopped completely. Alec's tone seemed pleading, like he was reaching for something to hold onto. "Do you regret giving up your powers to Asmodeus?"
"No," Magnus answered without turning around. "What I regret is ever getting involved with Shadowhunters." He walked out to the balcony and didn't even flinch as the door slammed behind Alec on his way out of the loft.
I never thought of myself as someone who'd want to write angst. I also never thought I'd ever want Magnus to be as angry at Alec as I want him to, but here we are. Magnus truly has given up a lot for Alec, and I think he has the right to be a bit upset by that. I'm debating if I want to continue this or not. I'm leaning towards leaving it how it is though. Just know that they'll work it out. They always find their way back to each other, right?