The Introversion Paradox
By Laura Schiller
Based on: The Big Bang Theory
Copyright: CBS
Lucy's closed fist hovered in front of the door to the Hofstaedter-Cooper apartment. Her knees were weak, her ears rang, and her breath came too fast – and not only because of the three flights of stairs.
One knock, and she would be walking into a roomful of strangers. Several of them beautiful, most of them geniuses (she had read up on them via Raj's Facebook feed), and all of them no doubt waiting to judge her worthiness to join their group.
Suck it up, Lucy, she told herself. It's no big deal. You went to the Valentine's Day party at the comic book store, didn't you? And look what happened.
She had met Raj there. The memory of him standing there in his purple-and-green windbreaker, his face alight, his voice rising with passionate conviction as he reminded the party guests how important it was to love yourself, warmed her heart. Knowing him a little better now, imagining how much strength it must have taken for him to fight back his own demons enough to reach that state of mind, only made her admire him even more. If he could be brave enough to make that speech, couldn't she be brave enough to meet his friends? Just once?
But what if they don't like me? She withdrew her fist and wrung her hands. What if they think I'm boring and we have nothing to talk about? What if Amy starts talking about dissecting my brain again, or Howard points out how horrible I was on my first date with Raj? What if Sheldon Cooper sounds the same in person as he does on Facebook or, oh my God, even worse? What if they never invite me back?
Raj will be so disappointed. But maybe it's better if I disappoint him once and for all, instead of doing it over and over again.
She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her cardigan, blinking back tears. If she left now and sent him a brief text message breaking up with him, she could spare them both a lot of unhappiness down the road. Well, spare him, anyway. He'd forget her. People did that all the time.
It was the sound of laughter that stopped her. Several voices, male and female, rising joyfully above the chime of glasses on the other side of the door.
The strangest paradox of her life, as long as she could remember, was that her deepest fear was also her greatest desire. She was afraid to meet people, but she wanted desperately to know them.
Okay, okay. What have you got to lose? For God's sake, don't answer that. One. Two. Three.
She knocked on the door, waited for what felt like a small eternity, and then banged on it again with all the strength her skinny arm could muster.
Raj flung open the door, caught her by the arm, whisked her inside and closed the door behind her before she could even blink. He knew her too well.
"Everybody," he said, with his hand on the small of her back, "This is my girlfriend Lucy. She's kind of shy, so just carry on as if she wasn't here."
Lucy was immediately torn between the thrill of being introduced so proudly as someone's girlfriend, annoyance at his typically clumsy way of dealing with her condition, and queasy terror at being caught in the crossfire of fourteen eyes.
Raj's friends were everywhere. Sitting on the couch, sprawling on armchairs, standing behind the kitchenette counter, eating chips and drinking wine. There were only seven of them, counting Raj, but they might as well have been an army.
"Um … hi," she croaked, forcing a smile and a stiff little wave.
Two of them, Amy Farrah Fowler and a tall man in a Superman T-shirt who must be Sheldon Cooper, took Raj's request literally and bent their heads over the e-reader they were sharing, to Lucy's relief. Howard gave her a suspicious look – clearly he hadn't forgotten their run-in at the comic book store – and didn't say anything. But the two pretty blondes beamed in welcome, and a short, stocky man with glasses stood up and held out his hand.
"Hi, I'm Leonard," he said, with a gentle handshake and an equally gentle smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Oh, you're the one going to the North Sea? That sounds terrible … oh, crap. I'm so sorry. I meant to say congratulations."
She covered her mouth with her hand and looked at the floor. Nice going, Lucy. You've already managed to say something tactless in the first ten seconds.
Instead of saying something frostily polite as most people would have done, though, Leonard shrugged and laughed. "Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot. Can I get you something? Wine, beer, mimosa?"
"Can I get a – a plain orange juice, please?"
"Coming right up."
Before she knew it, she was sitting with a nicely chilled juice glass in her hand and Raj perched on the arm of her chair, blending into the background with surprising ease as the conversation flowed around her.
She only understood about half of what they were saying, as it involved some comic book superheroes she knew very little about, but honestly, she would have listened to the phone book if Raj was the one reading it. He had a beautiful voice, deep and warm and strong, and she loved his accent, politically incorrect as that might be. She warmed herself by the glow of his enthusiasm, like a half-frozen traveller in front of a fireplace.
"I'm telling you," he said, gesturing with his empty glass and standing up to pace around the room. "Black Widow and the Hulk were made for each other. She feels like she's a monster, and who better to understand that than someone who literally turns into a monster? Every time she strokes his hand to turn him back into a human, it gets me right here." He touched his closed fist to the front of his sweater, where his heart was, in defiance of the laughter that surrounded him on all sides.
"Bruce Banner can't have a girlfriend, period." Leonard put down his glass on the coffee table with an emphatic clink. "The transformation depends on his blood pressure. Every time he and Natasha had sex or got into an argument - " He shot a sideways glance at the woman with bleached blonde hair sitting next to him, who had to be his girlfriend Penny. "He'd risk Hulking out and killing her."
"She's a trained assassin, remember? She can totally defend herself," said Howard.
"And believe me," added Amy, with a sideways glance of her own at Sheldon from behind her black-framed glasses, "It is definitely possible to have a relationship without sex."
The discussion continued, and Lucy settled back into the chair cushions, wondering if it was going to be like this for the rest of the night. There were far worse things than being ignored, but she had to admit, a little conversation wouldn't have been so bad …
"I can see your eyes glazing over," said a high, girlish voice from right behind her.
She jumped and cursed as the juice overflowed its glass and ran down her hand.
"Oh dear, I'm so sorry!" The second blonde woman, the petite one with glasses and a flowery dress, fluttered over to the counter and came back with a roll of paper towels. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Th-th-that's okay." Lucy put the glass down on the table, wiped off her sleeve, half rose from her chair to look for a trash can, and sat down again when the blonde snatched the juice-soaked towel away.
"I'm Bernadette," she said, once the mess was taken care of. "Howard's wife. And I don't understand the boys' comic book debates either."
"Oh … is it that obvious?"
Bernadette patted Lucy's hand in a motherly manner. "You should've seen me on my first date with my Howie," she said, in a conspiratorial murmur that wouldn't disturb the rest of the group. "I was so nervous, all I could say was 'no' every time he brought up a conversational topic. If we hadn't bonded over our crazy mothers, I might never have seen him again."
Did you climb out any bathroom windows? thought Lucy, but had the sense not to say it.
"So, Raj told me you're a web designer. That's nice. What kind of websites?"
"Um … anything, really. I'm a freelancer." Please don't ask about the porn.
"Ooh, really? What's that like?"
Was that sincere interest behind those wide blue eyes, or disguised contempt? Bernadette's Facebook profile said she worked for one of the biggest pharmaceutical companies in the country. Did she think Raj could do better than to date a girl who had to live off ramen noodles and use library computers when she couldn't get enough clients?
"It's, um … well, I can work my own hours. And stay home." And avoid people as much as possible. "But it's kind of … irregular." Meaning the money's crap and I really don't want to talk about it.
"Mm, I can imagine." Bernadette nodded gravely and, in a puzzling non-sequitur, tilted her head to look at the heart-shaped locket Lucy wore. "That's a pretty necklace. Where did you get it?"
"Thanks. I, um, I got it in a thrift store. I'm not much of a jewelry person mostly, I just - " She bit her tongue and blushed. She had printed out Raj's Facebook photo and hidden it in the locket, but that was nobody's business but her own. "I just like the concept of a locket, you know? So private."
"Interesting," said Bernadette, with an inscrutable little smile. "So, the weather report says it might rain tonight. Have you got a ride home?"
"Oh, I'll take a bus. Why?"
Was this a normal conversation? She had the feeling it wasn't, but then, she was hardly qualified to judge.
"I understand your confusion, Lucy," said Sheldon Cooper, in an arrogant voice that filled the room like a Caltech lecture hall. He must have been eavesdropping from clear across the room, which would have been amazing if it weren't so rude.
"What Bernadette is trying to do – inefficiently, I might add - is find out whether or not you're exploiting Raj for financial gain."
The Avengers discussion fell abruptly silent.
Bernadette blushed. Leonard looked miserable. Penny threw a potato chip at Sheldon, who didn't seem to notice it sailing over his head. Amy let out a disapproving cluck. Howard twisted his mouth into all kinds of shapes, as if trying not to laugh.
"What?" The physicist shrugged defensively. "I know you told me to ignore her, but what would that accomplish? Last time a woman broke Raj's heart, he was unbearable to work with for weeks. I'd prefer to avoid that - in the interest of science, naturally."
"Sheldon Lee Cooper, you son of a - " Raj clenched his fists and made a sudden move in Sheldon's direction.
"Don't!" Leonard caught the back of Raj's sweater. "It's not worth it. But seriously, Sheldon, how many times - "
"Now, now, leave this to me." Sheldon held up a hand to silence his roommate, shrugged off his girlfriend's restraining hand on his arm, unfolded his lanky body from the couch cushion with the rainbow-striped blanket, and stalked over to Lucy's chair.
"Answer me honestly, young lady," he said, crossing his arms and glowering down at her with hostile blue eyes. "Did Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali at any point give you money in return for sexual favors?"
Lucy, too angry and frightened to speak, shook her head.
"I'm going to kill you, Cooper," Raj snapped, struggling against the combined hold of Leonard and Penny. "And then I'm going to hunt you down into your next life and murder you as many times as it takes until you apologize - "
"Did he buy you a car?" asked Sheldon, raising his voice to an ear-piercing volume to drown Raj out. "Did he give you a credit card?"
Lucy kept shaking her head, with such vehemence that it made her dizzy.
"When you go out on dates, does he pay?"
Reluctantly, Lucy nodded. What wouldn't she give to be in a coffee shop with Raj right now, texting terrible puns to each other over the five-dollar lattes he insisted were so much better than regular coffee?
"Aha!" Sheldon jabbed a long, bony finger at her face. "Free food, that explains it. You're obviously malnourished, but that's no excuse for freeloading off our friend. Are you a freeloader?"
Lucy's chest was growing tight. She tried to breathe deeply, as her therapist always told her, but she felt as if she were drowning. Everything was swimming in front of her eyes. Sheldon's blue T-shirt was dissolving into a blob.
"Look, she's blinking too fast and avoiding eye contact," Sheldon declared. "Classic signs of guilt."
"She has anxiety, you bastard!" Raj thundered. "She looks at everyone that way!"
"Please." Sheldon ruffled up like an aggrieved Southern lady. "Such language!"
Raj's defense of her was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. It had been bad enough to be the cause of his argument with Amy, but this was a hundred times worse. She hated loud voices, she hated conflict, and she hated it even more when it was her own fault. She had ruined a party and made one of the co-hosts hate her without even trying. That had to be some kind of record.
She ran for the nearest door at top speed, hurled herself through it, and locked it behind her. Then she slid down until her backside hit the floor, curled up with her head between her knees, and sobbed until her face was red and raw.
At first, she didn't even notice her surroundings, or how much time was passing. But by the time she could breathe again without choking on her own tears, she wiped her eyes and looked up.
She was in a bathroom. Of course. The two sides of the sink visibly belonged to different people: one side was fanatically neat, with all the products lined up according to size, while the other showed an uncapped tube of toothpaste and a woman's pink toothbrush sharing a glass with a man's blue one. Fluorescent lights blazed around the mirror, lighting up her red eyes and streaming nose in merciless detail. Even her bangs were wet.
Distantly, she could hear more raised voices on the other side of the door. They seemed to be arguing about what to do with her. She couldn't hear Raj, though. Had he left without her? A proven flight risk, he'd called her once, and now she'd proven it again.
A triple knock on the door made her shudder.
"Lucy." Knock knock knock. "Lucy." Knock knock knock. "Lucy." The voice, though much less strident now, belonged to Sheldon Cooper.
"What now?" she snapped, too miserable by now to be afraid of him anymore. "Is this the Spanish Inquisition? Are you gonna drown me in the bathtub to see if I'm a witch?"
"Don't be ridiculous … Ow! Penny, that was uncalled for … What I'm trying to say is - " He paused for a very long time and, when he spoke, forced the words out as though they hurt. "I'm sorry."
"Are you?"
He cleared his throat. "I, um … I have difficulty interacting with others, responding to social cues and reading motivations. I apologize for misreading the symptoms of your mental illness as signals of guilt." There was a harsh exchange of whispers whose words she couldn't make out. "And I apologize for doubting the sincerity of your feelings for Raj. You see … I don't make friends that easily, and so I tend to get real protective of the ones I have."
Sheldon spoke quietly, standing close to the door, with a Southern accent that hadn't been audible before, the word I coming out as Ah. It made him seem more human, and despite herself, Lucy's jangling nerves began to gradually slow down.
"Apology accepted," she said, "But just for the record: a lack of social skills is no excuse for being rude."
"I agree," said Sheldon, forcing his accent back to primly transcontinental. "Which is why you really should open that door before Raj explodes with worry."
"Sheldon!" came a reproachful chorus from too many voices to count.
Lucy was tempted to charge back through the door only to punch him in the face. Still, the jerk had a point. If verbally biting someone's head off was the wrong way to deal with a mental health condition, so was locking yourself up in the bathroom. Glancing out the window at the parking lot, which was three stories down, she counted herself lucky she hadn't jumped.
She couldn't keep living like this. The longer she did, the more her solitude would become just as stifling as being in a crowd. She'd go back to therapy, swallow her pride and ask her parents to pay for it, maybe find a support group if they had them in Pasadena. Somewhere quiet, like a church. Whatever it took, as long as it helped her live through moments like this.
But before she left her temporary refuge, she had one more thing to say. And she'd better say it now, before she wimped out again.
"Can I talk to Raj, please?" she called through the door. "In private?"
Raj slipped through the door with the utmost caution, as if afraid that even the squeak of unoiled hinges might upset her. His dark eyes were filled with love and concern.
"I'm so sorry about Sheldon," he said, too softly for anyone but the most determined eavesdropper to hear. "We're so used to him by now, we forget how intimidating he can be. If I'd known he was going to grill you like that, I would've never let him in the same room."
"Really? You'd have kicked your friend out of his own apartment?" She sighed. How could she put this without sounding ungrateful to the kindest man she'd ever known? "Raj, seriously … you have to stop treating me like I'm made of glass."
"I don't understand." He frowned and shook back his hair, which was so disheveled, he must have run his hands through it over and over out of anxiety for her. "I thought you wanted me to be careful. You said I pushed you too far, with Amy and at the restaurant, and I just – I want to do this right, Lucy. I want to make you happy."
"You do!" How could he doubt that? "You do make me happy. Every day. And I know you want to help me. It's just … my anxiety is my business, you know? I'm the one responsible for getting better. I'm the one who decides how far to push it. No one else, not even you. It's like … when we're out having coffee, I don't say, C'mon, Raj, why don't you order for me? I don't say, Please excuse my boyfriend, he's got this thing, he can't talk to women unless he's drunk. Because that's your business. Not mine. You know what I'm saying?"
Raj tensed up when she brought up his selective mutism. He looked ready to interrupt, but as he listened, a familiar crooked smile began stealing across his face. It reminded her of her reflection, earlier in the mirror.
"I know exactly what you're saying," he said. "My friends do that sometimes. They mean well, but it sucks."
He didn't need to say I'm sorry. His eyes said it all – not just an insecure man's need to be forgiven, but a bone-deep understanding of just how hard it was to live like they did.
He was like her. Just like her, only better. The warm, bright spirit she loved so much in him was all the more beautiful for being hard-won out of darkness.
"You know what?" she said. "Let's not apologize. Not tonight. It's no one's fault we're like this."
"No." Raj brushed her hair back with delicate fingertips so he could see her face more clearly. "You're right, my darling. It's not."
Before tonight, there had been exactly two people in the universe who didn't make Lucy nervous: her parents. (And she could make exceptions even for them, when they came to visit and dug up the dust bunnies under her bed, or sighed over her woeful ignorance of personal banking.)
Tonight, there were three.
Lucy put her arms around Raj and kissed him, without even a chain link fence in the way, and for once, running away was the last thing on her mind.
All she wanted to do was get closer. And closer. Sink her hands into his soft wool sweater, smell his aftershave that reminded her of a flowering rainforest, feel his hand on the back of her neck, pulling her in, and his lips against hers.
"Ah … Lucy?"
"Yes?"
They were both out of breath by the time they came up for air, a new experience, but not nearly as alarming as she would have guessed it might be.
"I think Sheldon is concerned that we're monopolizing the bathroom."
"Oh! Oh gosh, of course. How long have we been in here?"
"Longer than a minute, that's for sure."
"Okay. Guess we'd better go back and face the music."
They grinned at each other. Lucy wondered if this was how normal teenagers felt when they missed curfew and tried to sneak past their parents. That was one of many rites of passage she'd avoided in high school, but maybe it wasn't too late to make up for them after all.
One. Two. Three. She followed Raj's gallant after-you gesture and walked into the hall with her head held high.
"Dear Lord, finally!" Sheldon exclaimed as soon as he saw them. "Am I the only one with any concept of timing? What were you two doing in there for so long?"
"Trust me," said Lucy, "You don't want to know."
"I like this one," said Penny, giving Raj a hearty pat on the back. "Be good to her, okay?"
"I intend to."
Not be careful. Just be good, as if Lucy was no more fragile than the next person. She decided then and there that, beauty or no beauty, she was going to like Penny too.
"Now, then." Sheldon clapped his hands together and drew himself up to his full height. "We've all had a shock – especially me – and social convention dictates that this is the time for a hot beverage. Who wants cocoa?"
Everyone except Lucy raised a hand.
Raj, instead of answering for her as he might have done earlier in the day, paused with his hand at shoulder level and an enquiring lift of his eyebrows: Stay or go? It's up to you.
"Oh, what the heck." She shrugged. "I feel like living dangerously. Yes, please."