"Affairs of the Heart"
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing and I'm not making money off of this
Pairings: You'll just have to figure it out
WARNING: Deathfic, Not a happy ending, POV
A/N: The point of view switches half way through at the page break.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to fall in love. Things weren't supposed to get this complicated. I shouldn't be standing on this roof right now thinking about doing what I'm thinking about. But I did. And things did. And I am…
Maybe I need to start from the beginning. It started as a form of mutual satisfaction. We got drunk one night and woke up the next morning naked in bed. We didn't talk about it. It was just something that happened. Then he started coming around and we would end up in bed again. We both agreed that it didn't mean anything. I mean he even had a girlfriend. The perfect girlfriend really. Rich, powerful, beautiful, completely spoilt rotten and completely devoted to him. You probably know who I'm talking about by now. They had the perfect relationship, so why did he keep coming to my bed? Things weren't supposed to get complicated. It was supposed to just be sex. And I was fine with that. For a while…
Then my feelings began to change. I found myself craving his touch. I needed to hear his voice everyday. I fell in love with him…
I tried to pretend that nothing had changed, but every time he would go back to his perfect little princess I would find myself in the shower crying with the radio on so my roommate wouldn't hear me. Hildie knew what was going on. How could she not. She lived with me. She never said a word and I think she knew the whole time that I was falling in love with him. She told me that I needed to end it before I got hurt worse. I think she knew that when I would take a shower after he left that I was crying too…
Even though he and I worked together we weren't in the same office, but I would find stupid little reasons to go to his office at least once a day just so I could be near him. I think everyone else saw that I was in love with him too. I don't know how he didn't notice. Maybe he just chose not to…
Then everything came to a head. You see almost a year after our little affair began, it abruptly ended. Hildie worked with us too. She was my partner. Anyway, the night of our last romp Hildie found me in my room crying my eyes out. I was pretty embarrassed but she didn't say a word about it. She just sat rubbing my back while I poured out all of my feelings to her. Well the next day at work she decided to pay him a little visit. I know she meant well but things couldn't have gone worse. She told him that he needed to choose who he wanted to be with because she was tired of seeing her best friend so torn up all the time because of him. Of course that was the completely wrong way to approach him. At lunch that day he cornered me in my office before I could leave and demanded to know what was going on. And of course that was the completely wrong way to approach me…
I got right back in his face and told him I didn't want to talk about it at work. He then told me that we would talk about it right then because he wasn't waiting till after work to find out and that I just needed to say what was bothering me. I then told him that if he really wanted me to tell him what was bothering me I would. I told him that I was fucking in love with him and that I had been for a while. That I had probably always loved him on some level but as time passed that feeling grew deeper. He told me that I shouldn't have gotten my emotions involved, and that I knew that we couldn't go anywhere. That he was with Relena and that we were never supposed to get attached, that it was just supposed to be occasional sex. Did he think I didn't know it was only supposed to be occasional sex? I was there when we made the agreement. He called me weak for letting my emotions get the better of me. That was just perfect coming from the person who has always said to live by your emotions. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore but I hoped that we could still be friends. He told me he didn't know if we could and that was that. I left for lunch and just never came back for the day. I ended up at a bar somehow, and then I ended up here on this roof…
I step up on the ledge and look over. There are not too many people on the street now. After all it is after midnight. The people that are on the street just keep walking. Tiny ants in this great big world, completely oblivious to what's going on above them. It would be so easy to just step off and end all of the pain for good. Who was I to think that I could actually have a happier ever after? Everything and everyone I have ever loved has been taken away from me. Why did I think this could be any different? I lean out a little further completely prepared to let my body fall to the earth below. Right before I take the last step I could almost swear I heard him calling out to me, but I couldn't stop now even if I wanted to. I take the final step and turn in the air. I want the stars and moon to be the last thing I see. But they weren't the only thing I saw. I saw his face leaning over the edge of the roof, his arm extended reaching to try and catch me. I smile at him and I close my eyes. They say it's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end. And you know what… They're right.
Why did he have to go and bring love into the equation? We weren't supposed to get attached. That was never part of the plan. I suppose I always loved him too but more as a friend. What we did was just a form of release. It was exciting and dangerous. He was exciting and dangerous…
When he didn't come back after lunch I began to get worried. I knew where his usual lunch spots were so I started there. No one had seen him. I searched for him the rest of the day. I needed him to know that we could still be friends but that it wasn't going to be easy. But before I could tell him, I needed to find him. He's always been an expert at not being found if he didn't want to be. Then I remembered a place he took me once. A place that he said he liked to go to when he needed time to think. It was close to midnight now so I really hoped he was there. I didn't expect to find what I found when I got there…
He was standing on the ledge leaning out over the street. I tried to call to him but either he didn't hear me or he chose not to. The next thing I knew, he had let his body fall, and even though I moved as fast as I could I was too late. He was out of my reach. He turned in the air and our eyes met for a second before he closed his and met the ground. I could only stand there shocked. I had just watched my best friend kill himself. The people on the street screamed when they realized what had happened and a crowd began to form. I rushed down as fast as I could but I already knew he was dead. There was no way for anyone to survive a fall like that. When I got down, he was lying there with the most contented expression on his face. His body was broken and there was a pool of blood around his head. I sat down next to him and just held his broken body as I cried. I vaguely remember hearing sirens in the distance. Of course someone would have called the police. The next thing I knew I was setting in the waiting room at the hospital with police around me asking me what had happened. I was in shock, I know I was. I answered their questions on autopilot and then they told me to go home but to keep myself available. I remember Relena coming to get me, and the other pilots showing up, and crying like there was no tomorrow. We all cried…
The funeral was probably the hardest part of the whole thing. The days leading up to it were a blur. The five of us were the only family each of us had, so we all handled the arrangements. I kept expecting him to pop out from around the corner and play the whole thing off as a joke. But of course he never did. How could he. He was dead. He couldn't come back. It never really hit me that he was really gone until they were lowering the coffin into the ground and people were beginning to leave the cemetery. Of course the four of us, Relena, Hildie, Lady Une, Zechs, and Noin stayed. We knew him best. Hildie was a mess. She couldn't stop crying. When I tried to comfort her, se turned around and slapped me as hard as she could across the cheek before running to her car and leaving. The others just stared at me in shock. I know that they all had a vague idea of what was between him and me but they didn't know for sure. And I couldn't help feeling responsible for his death. Hell… I was responsible…
I know that eventually everyone else slowly left. It started to rain so Relena went back to the limo. I just couldn't bring myself to leave. Couldn't bring myself to believe that he was really gone. Couldn't help feeling like if I had just paid more attention to his feelings that he would still be alive. The last thing I told him was that he was a coward and that I didn't know if we could still be friends. God how I wish I could take those words back now. But I can't. The guilt of what I have done will be with me forever. And no one can know because then I will lose the rest of what I still have. I fall to my knees in the fresh dirt and scream to the heavens like there is no tomorrow. I finally let myself sob uncontrollably for what I have lost. No, not so much for what I had lost, but what I had taken from the rest of the world. The most vibrant and caring young man I had ever known…
I don't know how long I knelt there sobbing. All I know is that I was soaking when I finally pulled myself up and wiped my eyes. I slowly walked to the headstone of his grave and laid the single red rose I had held on it, forever burning the words written there into my mind. I didn't know if my guilt would ever let me come back and I never wanted to forget what his grave looked like. I slowly turned and walked away with those words following me…
Duo Maxwell
AC180 to AC202
A more loving and giving man the world will never know
Rest in peace our brother in arms
Owari
Please don't kill me. I just broke up with a guy I was having an affair with and this story idea popped into my mind. My writing becomes dark when I am depressed.
DemonAria