All characters that you recognize here, with the exception of the owl, Mercy are the property of J.K. Rowling and trademarked by Warner Bros. Studios. No copy-right in fringement is intended.
Have you ever heard the expression, "My life flashed before my eyes"?
Well, that's exactly what happened to me on October 31, 1982. I look back on that brief moment of time, and I think, "How could everything that had transpired in my life come to me in five seconds time?"
I know now.
And now, I think I shall tell you.
Halloween that glorious year was the day where everything came crashing down upon me. But it didn't start out so badly. I awoke that semi-chilly fall morning with my head resting on James chest, my red hair fanned out on him and my pillow. His arm was clutching me tightly to him, keeping myself and him warm in the late year air. At that point, I had nothing but a smile on my face, no complaints about my life.
And then, I sat up. Harry was crying in the next room, apparently under the assumption that because his wide emerald eyes were open and blinking, that mine and those dark ones of James' should be as well. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and looked over at my husband. The only thing moving on James body at that point in time was his nose, which was twitching at a stray piece of hair that had fallen during the night. Rolling my eyes, I whipped the covers off of me and half stumbled, half walked into my sons room.
"Goodmorning, Sunshine..." I said, yawning as I did so. I reached down into the crib and lifted him up into my arms. His crying having ceased and his gurgling replacing the wails, Harry wrapped his tiny hands around my tousled hair and began his game of pulling and twisting the red strands. He pulled particularly hard at one point as I was walking down the stairs to feed him, and I gently pulled his hands away from me, sitting him in his high chair. He watched me with a fascination that could only be seen in an infants eyes, and I grinned down at him, albiet a bit tiredly.
I gathered Harrys babyfood from the pantry (SweetPotatos was the order of the morning), and spoon from the drawer, and a chair from the kitchen table, and set all of these things in front of Harry, who was eyeing the jar of babyfood with the utmost of ravinous looks. I was just putting the first spoon-ful in my sons mouth when I heard what was a cross between books falling off a shelf and balls bouncing on a hard wood floor. I looked towards my and James' bedroom, then down at my son, who had stopped in mid-swallow, letting some of the potato ooze out of his little mouth.
"I believe that someone has gotten out of bed," I murmered to him, grinning at Harry and wiping his mouth with the napkin. Sure enough, five minutes later, James Potter came trapsing down the stairs and into the kitchen, rubbing his unbrushed hair out of his eyes.
"Did you fall out of bed again?" I asked him. James poured himself a cup of coffee and turned to me, shaking his head and putting the mug to his lips. "No," he said quickly, taking a long sip. I smirked at him, then gave my son a side-long glance. "I think someone is telling a fib." Harry's only response was a mouth full of bubbles protruding from his mouth and a delightful squeal with the clapping of his hands. I laughed at him as James walked over, shaking his head. "Well, what do you say to that?" I asked him. James sighed and hung his head. "Guily as charged." He leaned over to give me a kiss on the head, and one for Harry as well.
"What are the plans for the day?" I asked him, continuing to feed Harry. "The same plan as always, Love. Go to the ministry, gather information on Voldemort and his Deatheaters, try and defeat them bit by bit..." He sighed, and I sighed, and I could have sworn that I heard Harry heave a great exhale of air as well.
"How quiet has it been over there?" I asked after a period of silence.
"Very quiet...too quiet," James answered, leaning against the kitchen table, sipping the coffee. He began to rap his knuckles on the surface of the wood, his nervous habit. "Something is going to happen soon, Lil. Something very big...I can feel it. But none of us have an ickling as to what it might be."
"Well," I said, standing and gathering the jar and spoon in my hands, "whatever it is...we'll live through it. We'll fight him, we'll defeat him..." I gave him a smile and pecked him on the cheek, catching a glimpse at the clock as I did so. "You'll be late if you don't hurry," I told him, scooting past him and putting the dirty things in the sink. "Yea...but I'm late almost everyday, why start getting there on time now?" He came behind me giving me a hug and kissing me on the back of my head. I could feel the impish grin as he did so, and I laughed on the inside.
He was such a child.
~*~*~*~*~
Yes. James Potter was very much a child. I knew that from the first moment that I met him. James Potter would be like the muggle fairy tail of Peter Pan: He would never grow up.
I look back on that conversation now, and I think, "What fools we were." More specifically, what a fool I was. On that day, so many things came to light, so many things that I would have just as soon let die...but my own forgetfulness got the better of me. But now, I'm not sure. Maybe I wanted James to find out. May that was why I left the letter for Severus sitting right on the work desk, where James usually went to do his paper work.
Either way, I'll never know. All I can do is re-tell what happened.
~*~*~*~*~
As this day was my day off from work, I had the job of cleaning up the house, as well as taking care of Harry. I washed and put away most of the dishes, swept the deck, dusted the furniture off in the rec room, cleaned the bathroom, and tidyed up James work desk. He hated it when I did that, but I couldn't stand to look at a pile of white, yellow, and beige colered parchment, all heaped onto one another as though they were leaves to be burned. They were important papers, I knew, and James needed to take better care of them.
As I was shifting through the numerous ammounts of quills, parcments, ink wells, and ribbons, I came across a Hogwarts letter from Dumbledore. It was a friendly one, sent only about two weeks ago, asking James and I how we were doing, and if Harry was well. For two weeks, I'd been promising myself to get back to the old Headmaster, to a man that would very much consider a second father, but with all the work that I had to do at home, I never got around to it.
However, Hogwarts did remind me of something, now, as I looked over the letter. Not Dumbledore, as it should have. No, it reminded me of another, a dear friend to me that I'd met back in my second year at Hogwarts by the name of Severus Snape. I realized that I hadn't written to him in a while, and that I had promised him that I would because...well, for right now, until I'm ready to tell you, just because.
With Harry taking a nap in his room upstairs, the entire house was quiet and peaceful.
The perfect time to write a letter to Severus.
Taking out a piece of parchment, a quill, and an ink well, I dipped the feathered pen into the blue ink and I began to write. Had I known that this letter would come back to haunt me in a few hours time, I would not have written it...or maybe I would have, just to get it out in the open...I don't know.
Well, to keep up with the story, I wrote the letter, and was in the middle of signing it when an owl post came through. It was Mercy, my own Great Grey Owl that I had had for many, many years, delivering a letter to me from Sirius for James. Smiling as I took the letter, I put it next to Severus' letter and finished signing my name. I was just about to fold it up and give it to Mercy to take to Hogwarts when a piercing cry from upstairs had me rushing to Harrys room. I never did find out why he just all of the sudden started crying like that. I had never heard such a heart-breaking sound before in all of my life, it made me want to shed tears. So, for an hour, I stayed with Harry, rocking him gently back to sleep.
And that's when I heard the door slam.
James was home. James was home early...it was...oh my, how the time flew that day. It was already 6:00 and getting dark.
"Lily?"
I heard my name and, with Harry in my arms, walked down-stairs to greet my husband. "Shhhh...he's finally going back to sleep." I grinned up at him, and James, ever the loving Dad, patted his sons head softly. We stayed like that for a few moments, me holding Harry, James beside me, one arm around my waist, the other on Harrys head.
Our last happy moment together.
Because it was soon shattered by my stupidity, by my selfishness....my inability to hide it any longer.
James gave me a kiss on the head, a pat on my back, and headed downstairs. I, like a happy mother with her child in her arms, was content to stand there at the threshold for all of eternity if I could remain just like this. I almost didn't notice James at the bottom of the stairs, holding something in his hands. But when I did, and I saw what he was holding, my stomach instantly churred. My breathing caught. My eyes widened.
And my heart broke.
Because James didn't look angry, didn't look enraged at all. I swallowed as I watched him ascend the stairs, wanting to take a few safe steps back, but I knew I wouldn't have to do that. No matter what I did, James would never physically harm me.
All I could do was stand there like a dumb fool, and listen as he read the letter aloud to me:
Dear Severus,
I'm so sorry I haven't written you in a while. Things have been rather hectic around here, what with James being an auror and such, and with Harry...I'm sorry, I shouldn't give you excuses. I should have made time to write you. You deserve at least that much.
Things at home are fine. I'm taking care of Harry most of the time while James is at work. I have four days off from my job every week to do this, but I'm still being paid the same ammount, so money is still coming in, although we are having to watch our budget a little more than usual.
Harry has gotten so big Severus...you would be proud to see him, I'm sure. Sometimes, I can hardly find the strength to lift him into my arms anymore. And I will also say this for him: He has a nice pair of lungs, as I found out yet again this morning.
He must get those from you.
I'm writing this letter with no-one else in the house except for Harry at the moment, so it's alright. I'll be sending this letter along shortly with Mercy before James gets home....that sounds so awful...before he gets home.
I can't stand sneaking around like this, behind James' back. He's been so good to me, and so good to Harry. Even though you loath him Severus, he has been and extrodinary father to Harry. He loves him just as much as you would if you could be here to raise him. I'm even sure that James would love Harry if he found out some how that Harry was not his son, but yours.
I wish that we didn't have to do this. I want you to know Harry, Severus, and I want Harry to know you. I want him to know his true father...although, I suppose I shouldn't say that because James had been...well, he's been the best father that Harry could have had...besides you.
Maybe when this war is over, maybe then I can tell James about what happened between the two of us. Voldemort will be gone, his followers will have been captured and sent to Azkaban for life...then it should be safe to reveal, right Severus? Voldemort won't be around to hurt him anymore, and I know that's the main reason why we're keeping silent. But what happens when that main reason is gone?
I want so much to tell James the truth. And then I don't want him to know. He would be crushed, betrayed, alone...no, no he wouldn't be alone. I could never leave him alone, not after everything that he's done for Harry. And everything that he's done for me.
I do love him Severus. I really do. But...not as I should. Not as a wife should love her husband. He's more of a close friend to me than that. But I married him because of Harry, and because he thought that Harry was his. And you know that.
I hope you also know that despite what may have happened between us in the past, I still love you, with all my heart. That will be one thing that will never change, no matter what happens in this world.
All my-
I'm sorry, Mercy scared me with the post.
All my love,
Lily
~*~*~*~*~
I believe that the duration of time that James was reading that letter had to be the scariest moments that I'd ever had to go through in my entire life.
What would he say?
What would he do?
Would I ever see him again?
Would he rant and rave, would he go up to Hogwarts after Severus?
Would he try to take Harry from me?
And now....now I know that I was silly to have thought all of those horrible things in those brief seconds about James Potter. I should have known that he wouldn't do anything of the sort. But I didn't...
~*~*~*~*~
Clutching Harry James Potter to me, I looked up at James, not able to say a word. He was perfectly calm while reading the letter, an act which frightened me a little. He just realized that the boy, who he thought for a year was his son, was in fact not his child. It was the son of his most hated rival at Hogwarts...but also the son of a man that he saved one night...but also the son of a man that loved me, loved me enough to concieve a child with me.
My mouth kept opening.
No words would come out.
Harry was asleep against my bosom now, a deep breathing sound coming from his small little nose.
I watched as James folded up the parchment. I could see the tears in his eyes, and my own green eyes began to brim with the salty water as well. I moved a hand over my mouth to stiffle my sob. After-all, I shouldn't be crying in the first place.
I'm not the one that just found out that my son isn't mine.
I looked up at him, but his dark eyes were focused on a sleeping Harry, a boy that he thought would be his forever, and within 30 seconds, it was taken away from him *snap* just like that.
Finally, James eyes rose to meet mine. I couldn't look him in the eye. I felt so dirty, so ashamed...as I looked away, he gently put his fingers under my chin to level my gaze at him. I therefore, like the coward that I was, closed my eyes, refusing...no, unable to look at his.
A thumb brushing across my lips...so smooth, so loving...I didn't deserve this, not one bit of it. Why wasn't he shouting? Why wasn't he stampeding up and down the stairs, throwing things, scaring me, scaring Harry? That was what most people in this situation do, correct?
But not him.
"Lily..." My name on his lips almost made me collapse, and he must have seen it, because I felt his other hand steady my shoulder.
"Please look at me?"
I sniffed. I sniffed loudly. But I opened my eyes. I forced myself to look at him, to face what I'd done to this man, this man who had poured all of his heart into our relationship.
And even knowing all of that, I still was not expecting the question that came from his mouth.
"Was he created from love? With love?"
Gods, there was something wrong with me. Any girl would be flipping backwards if they found a man, a husband, a father like James Potter. I should be madly in love with him at this very moment, begging his forgiveness. But I wasn't. All I could do was nod my head, and I locked eyes with him as I did so. It was the only way that he would know that I was telling the truth.
And then, he did and said something that completely surprised me. He leaned foreward, kissed me lightly on my forehead, and then did the same to Harry. And out of his mouth, I heard the most releasing sentance that I'd ever heard come from him.
"No matter what, I would never leave you, or Harry."
And the damn holding my tears crumbled completely. I literally sagged into him, putting all my wait on him so that he could support me and Harry, like he'd always done. He ran his fingers through my hair, patted my head, whispered reassurences in my ear, and at the same time, we were both sobbing our hearts out. Crying so hard, so loudly, so passionately...
And then, the door blew open, right off its hinges.
Harry immediately woke up, the sound of the door banging against the wall terrifying him, and he started to wail. My head, my face was still pressed to James chest, and so I couldn't see...
I couldn't see the black cloaked figure standing between the frames of our front door. But James did. He shifted me so that I was on my own to feet, clutching Harry to me as though he were a life preserver. I saw that he had his wand out, and raised to dueling formation...and then my eyes looked to what the wand was pointing at, and I knew, at that very moment...
I would not be able to see my child grow up.
I would never be there to watch him open his first Hogwarts Letter.
I'd never be there for his wedding, to see his first child, his second, his third...however many he wound up having.
I would never see it.
Because Lord Voldemort was the black cloaked figure standing on the threshold of our house.
I heard James yell at me, "Take Harry and go!" Go where? I looked around. Voldemort was blocking the door, he more than likely had his followers outside in case we tried to get away. I ran for the stairs, and I was on the third step when I heard it...and I knew.
James was dead.
I pushed Harrys head against my chest, shielding him from any attack that Voldemort might bring upon him. I would die first before that mad man layed a hand on my son.
Harrys room was just up ahead. I ran, though my legs felt as though they were speghetti, to the door and pushed it open. Turning around, I was able to see the torso of Voldemort rising up the stairs...coming for me...for Harry.
"JAMES!"
Even though I knew he was dead, I screamed his name. He'd always been there for me, it was natural...but then, someone else had always been there for me too...
I slammed the door and moved away from it, backing myself against Harrys crib. I kissed his head once, twice, three times...so many times, because I knew I would never be able to do it much longer...
I turned from the door as it was flung open, the Dark Lord breeching the room easily. I choked out a sob, holding Harry tight to me, I might have been suffocating him...I'll never know.
"Please!" I cried, looking over my shoulder at my murderer. I wasn't above begging at this point for my sons life.
"He's a child, a baby! He can do nothing to you!"
He raised his wand.
I took my last deep breath.
He uttered the first word.
"Please..." I murmered, uttering my last word.
The beginning of the second word.
I gave Harry my last kiss.
And the last color I saw was green.
~*~*~*~*~
I wonder what Severus is doing right now.
I know that is a bizarre thought after I've just told you my and James' horrifying end, but I do wonder that often. Probably being his studious self, off perfecting potions, taking notes for a class lecture...
A class for which our son is more than likely in.
And it was our son that I saw in that green light, when my life flashed before my eyes. Not just my son, not just Severus' son...but also James son. He has as much right to be called a father as Severus does. Afterall....
He has my eyes.
He has James' charm.
He has Severus' determination.
Even though Severus wasn't able to raise is offspring, he did help to raise him in a way. He entrusted him to James, and Severus Snape entrusting something to James Potter is saying something.
But in the end, before I was finally at peace, I saw what I hope, and what I know James hopes, will happen.
Severus the father, and Harry the son, standing side by side, knowing eachother as such.
My life was my son, a gift that Severus gave to me, and a gift that James helped me to keep.
And my life truly did flash before my eyes.
Have you ever heard the expression, "My life flashed before my eyes"?
Well, that's exactly what happened to me on October 31, 1982. I look back on that brief moment of time, and I think, "How could everything that had transpired in my life come to me in five seconds time?"
I know now.
And now, I think I shall tell you.
Halloween that glorious year was the day where everything came crashing down upon me. But it didn't start out so badly. I awoke that semi-chilly fall morning with my head resting on James chest, my red hair fanned out on him and my pillow. His arm was clutching me tightly to him, keeping myself and him warm in the late year air. At that point, I had nothing but a smile on my face, no complaints about my life.
And then, I sat up. Harry was crying in the next room, apparently under the assumption that because his wide emerald eyes were open and blinking, that mine and those dark ones of James' should be as well. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and looked over at my husband. The only thing moving on James body at that point in time was his nose, which was twitching at a stray piece of hair that had fallen during the night. Rolling my eyes, I whipped the covers off of me and half stumbled, half walked into my sons room.
"Goodmorning, Sunshine..." I said, yawning as I did so. I reached down into the crib and lifted him up into my arms. His crying having ceased and his gurgling replacing the wails, Harry wrapped his tiny hands around my tousled hair and began his game of pulling and twisting the red strands. He pulled particularly hard at one point as I was walking down the stairs to feed him, and I gently pulled his hands away from me, sitting him in his high chair. He watched me with a fascination that could only be seen in an infants eyes, and I grinned down at him, albiet a bit tiredly.
I gathered Harrys babyfood from the pantry (SweetPotatos was the order of the morning), and spoon from the drawer, and a chair from the kitchen table, and set all of these things in front of Harry, who was eyeing the jar of babyfood with the utmost of ravinous looks. I was just putting the first spoon-ful in my sons mouth when I heard what was a cross between books falling off a shelf and balls bouncing on a hard wood floor. I looked towards my and James' bedroom, then down at my son, who had stopped in mid-swallow, letting some of the potato ooze out of his little mouth.
"I believe that someone has gotten out of bed," I murmered to him, grinning at Harry and wiping his mouth with the napkin. Sure enough, five minutes later, James Potter came trapsing down the stairs and into the kitchen, rubbing his unbrushed hair out of his eyes.
"Did you fall out of bed again?" I asked him. James poured himself a cup of coffee and turned to me, shaking his head and putting the mug to his lips. "No," he said quickly, taking a long sip. I smirked at him, then gave my son a side-long glance. "I think someone is telling a fib." Harry's only response was a mouth full of bubbles protruding from his mouth and a delightful squeal with the clapping of his hands. I laughed at him as James walked over, shaking his head. "Well, what do you say to that?" I asked him. James sighed and hung his head. "Guily as charged." He leaned over to give me a kiss on the head, and one for Harry as well.
"What are the plans for the day?" I asked him, continuing to feed Harry. "The same plan as always, Love. Go to the ministry, gather information on Voldemort and his Deatheaters, try and defeat them bit by bit..." He sighed, and I sighed, and I could have sworn that I heard Harry heave a great exhale of air as well.
"How quiet has it been over there?" I asked after a period of silence.
"Very quiet...too quiet," James answered, leaning against the kitchen table, sipping the coffee. He began to rap his knuckles on the surface of the wood, his nervous habit. "Something is going to happen soon, Lil. Something very big...I can feel it. But none of us have an ickling as to what it might be."
"Well," I said, standing and gathering the jar and spoon in my hands, "whatever it is...we'll live through it. We'll fight him, we'll defeat him..." I gave him a smile and pecked him on the cheek, catching a glimpse at the clock as I did so. "You'll be late if you don't hurry," I told him, scooting past him and putting the dirty things in the sink. "Yea...but I'm late almost everyday, why start getting there on time now?" He came behind me giving me a hug and kissing me on the back of my head. I could feel the impish grin as he did so, and I laughed on the inside.
He was such a child.
~*~*~*~*~
Yes. James Potter was very much a child. I knew that from the first moment that I met him. James Potter would be like the muggle fairy tail of Peter Pan: He would never grow up.
I look back on that conversation now, and I think, "What fools we were." More specifically, what a fool I was. On that day, so many things came to light, so many things that I would have just as soon let die...but my own forgetfulness got the better of me. But now, I'm not sure. Maybe I wanted James to find out. May that was why I left the letter for Severus sitting right on the work desk, where James usually went to do his paper work.
Either way, I'll never know. All I can do is re-tell what happened.
~*~*~*~*~
As this day was my day off from work, I had the job of cleaning up the house, as well as taking care of Harry. I washed and put away most of the dishes, swept the deck, dusted the furniture off in the rec room, cleaned the bathroom, and tidyed up James work desk. He hated it when I did that, but I couldn't stand to look at a pile of white, yellow, and beige colered parchment, all heaped onto one another as though they were leaves to be burned. They were important papers, I knew, and James needed to take better care of them.
As I was shifting through the numerous ammounts of quills, parcments, ink wells, and ribbons, I came across a Hogwarts letter from Dumbledore. It was a friendly one, sent only about two weeks ago, asking James and I how we were doing, and if Harry was well. For two weeks, I'd been promising myself to get back to the old Headmaster, to a man that would very much consider a second father, but with all the work that I had to do at home, I never got around to it.
However, Hogwarts did remind me of something, now, as I looked over the letter. Not Dumbledore, as it should have. No, it reminded me of another, a dear friend to me that I'd met back in my second year at Hogwarts by the name of Severus Snape. I realized that I hadn't written to him in a while, and that I had promised him that I would because...well, for right now, until I'm ready to tell you, just because.
With Harry taking a nap in his room upstairs, the entire house was quiet and peaceful.
The perfect time to write a letter to Severus.
Taking out a piece of parchment, a quill, and an ink well, I dipped the feathered pen into the blue ink and I began to write. Had I known that this letter would come back to haunt me in a few hours time, I would not have written it...or maybe I would have, just to get it out in the open...I don't know.
Well, to keep up with the story, I wrote the letter, and was in the middle of signing it when an owl post came through. It was Mercy, my own Great Grey Owl that I had had for many, many years, delivering a letter to me from Sirius for James. Smiling as I took the letter, I put it next to Severus' letter and finished signing my name. I was just about to fold it up and give it to Mercy to take to Hogwarts when a piercing cry from upstairs had me rushing to Harrys room. I never did find out why he just all of the sudden started crying like that. I had never heard such a heart-breaking sound before in all of my life, it made me want to shed tears. So, for an hour, I stayed with Harry, rocking him gently back to sleep.
And that's when I heard the door slam.
James was home. James was home early...it was...oh my, how the time flew that day. It was already 6:00 and getting dark.
"Lily?"
I heard my name and, with Harry in my arms, walked down-stairs to greet my husband. "Shhhh...he's finally going back to sleep." I grinned up at him, and James, ever the loving Dad, patted his sons head softly. We stayed like that for a few moments, me holding Harry, James beside me, one arm around my waist, the other on Harrys head.
Our last happy moment together.
Because it was soon shattered by my stupidity, by my selfishness....my inability to hide it any longer.
James gave me a kiss on the head, a pat on my back, and headed downstairs. I, like a happy mother with her child in her arms, was content to stand there at the threshold for all of eternity if I could remain just like this. I almost didn't notice James at the bottom of the stairs, holding something in his hands. But when I did, and I saw what he was holding, my stomach instantly churred. My breathing caught. My eyes widened.
And my heart broke.
Because James didn't look angry, didn't look enraged at all. I swallowed as I watched him ascend the stairs, wanting to take a few safe steps back, but I knew I wouldn't have to do that. No matter what I did, James would never physically harm me.
All I could do was stand there like a dumb fool, and listen as he read the letter aloud to me:
Dear Severus,
I'm so sorry I haven't written you in a while. Things have been rather hectic around here, what with James being an auror and such, and with Harry...I'm sorry, I shouldn't give you excuses. I should have made time to write you. You deserve at least that much.
Things at home are fine. I'm taking care of Harry most of the time while James is at work. I have four days off from my job every week to do this, but I'm still being paid the same ammount, so money is still coming in, although we are having to watch our budget a little more than usual.
Harry has gotten so big Severus...you would be proud to see him, I'm sure. Sometimes, I can hardly find the strength to lift him into my arms anymore. And I will also say this for him: He has a nice pair of lungs, as I found out yet again this morning.
He must get those from you.
I'm writing this letter with no-one else in the house except for Harry at the moment, so it's alright. I'll be sending this letter along shortly with Mercy before James gets home....that sounds so awful...before he gets home.
I can't stand sneaking around like this, behind James' back. He's been so good to me, and so good to Harry. Even though you loath him Severus, he has been and extrodinary father to Harry. He loves him just as much as you would if you could be here to raise him. I'm even sure that James would love Harry if he found out some how that Harry was not his son, but yours.
I wish that we didn't have to do this. I want you to know Harry, Severus, and I want Harry to know you. I want him to know his true father...although, I suppose I shouldn't say that because James had been...well, he's been the best father that Harry could have had...besides you.
Maybe when this war is over, maybe then I can tell James about what happened between the two of us. Voldemort will be gone, his followers will have been captured and sent to Azkaban for life...then it should be safe to reveal, right Severus? Voldemort won't be around to hurt him anymore, and I know that's the main reason why we're keeping silent. But what happens when that main reason is gone?
I want so much to tell James the truth. And then I don't want him to know. He would be crushed, betrayed, alone...no, no he wouldn't be alone. I could never leave him alone, not after everything that he's done for Harry. And everything that he's done for me.
I do love him Severus. I really do. But...not as I should. Not as a wife should love her husband. He's more of a close friend to me than that. But I married him because of Harry, and because he thought that Harry was his. And you know that.
I hope you also know that despite what may have happened between us in the past, I still love you, with all my heart. That will be one thing that will never change, no matter what happens in this world.
All my-
I'm sorry, Mercy scared me with the post.
All my love,
Lily
~*~*~*~*~
I believe that the duration of time that James was reading that letter had to be the scariest moments that I'd ever had to go through in my entire life.
What would he say?
What would he do?
Would I ever see him again?
Would he rant and rave, would he go up to Hogwarts after Severus?
Would he try to take Harry from me?
And now....now I know that I was silly to have thought all of those horrible things in those brief seconds about James Potter. I should have known that he wouldn't do anything of the sort. But I didn't...
~*~*~*~*~
Clutching Harry James Potter to me, I looked up at James, not able to say a word. He was perfectly calm while reading the letter, an act which frightened me a little. He just realized that the boy, who he thought for a year was his son, was in fact not his child. It was the son of his most hated rival at Hogwarts...but also the son of a man that he saved one night...but also the son of a man that loved me, loved me enough to concieve a child with me.
My mouth kept opening.
No words would come out.
Harry was asleep against my bosom now, a deep breathing sound coming from his small little nose.
I watched as James folded up the parchment. I could see the tears in his eyes, and my own green eyes began to brim with the salty water as well. I moved a hand over my mouth to stiffle my sob. After-all, I shouldn't be crying in the first place.
I'm not the one that just found out that my son isn't mine.
I looked up at him, but his dark eyes were focused on a sleeping Harry, a boy that he thought would be his forever, and within 30 seconds, it was taken away from him *snap* just like that.
Finally, James eyes rose to meet mine. I couldn't look him in the eye. I felt so dirty, so ashamed...as I looked away, he gently put his fingers under my chin to level my gaze at him. I therefore, like the coward that I was, closed my eyes, refusing...no, unable to look at his.
A thumb brushing across my lips...so smooth, so loving...I didn't deserve this, not one bit of it. Why wasn't he shouting? Why wasn't he stampeding up and down the stairs, throwing things, scaring me, scaring Harry? That was what most people in this situation do, correct?
But not him.
"Lily..." My name on his lips almost made me collapse, and he must have seen it, because I felt his other hand steady my shoulder.
"Please look at me?"
I sniffed. I sniffed loudly. But I opened my eyes. I forced myself to look at him, to face what I'd done to this man, this man who had poured all of his heart into our relationship.
And even knowing all of that, I still was not expecting the question that came from his mouth.
"Was he created from love? With love?"
Gods, there was something wrong with me. Any girl would be flipping backwards if they found a man, a husband, a father like James Potter. I should be madly in love with him at this very moment, begging his forgiveness. But I wasn't. All I could do was nod my head, and I locked eyes with him as I did so. It was the only way that he would know that I was telling the truth.
And then, he did and said something that completely surprised me. He leaned foreward, kissed me lightly on my forehead, and then did the same to Harry. And out of his mouth, I heard the most releasing sentance that I'd ever heard come from him.
"No matter what, I would never leave you, or Harry."
And the damn holding my tears crumbled completely. I literally sagged into him, putting all my wait on him so that he could support me and Harry, like he'd always done. He ran his fingers through my hair, patted my head, whispered reassurences in my ear, and at the same time, we were both sobbing our hearts out. Crying so hard, so loudly, so passionately...
And then, the door blew open, right off its hinges.
Harry immediately woke up, the sound of the door banging against the wall terrifying him, and he started to wail. My head, my face was still pressed to James chest, and so I couldn't see...
I couldn't see the black cloaked figure standing between the frames of our front door. But James did. He shifted me so that I was on my own to feet, clutching Harry to me as though he were a life preserver. I saw that he had his wand out, and raised to dueling formation...and then my eyes looked to what the wand was pointing at, and I knew, at that very moment...
I would not be able to see my child grow up.
I would never be there to watch him open his first Hogwarts Letter.
I'd never be there for his wedding, to see his first child, his second, his third...however many he wound up having.
I would never see it.
Because Lord Voldemort was the black cloaked figure standing on the threshold of our house.
I heard James yell at me, "Take Harry and go!" Go where? I looked around. Voldemort was blocking the door, he more than likely had his followers outside in case we tried to get away. I ran for the stairs, and I was on the third step when I heard it...and I knew.
James was dead.
I pushed Harrys head against my chest, shielding him from any attack that Voldemort might bring upon him. I would die first before that mad man layed a hand on my son.
Harrys room was just up ahead. I ran, though my legs felt as though they were speghetti, to the door and pushed it open. Turning around, I was able to see the torso of Voldemort rising up the stairs...coming for me...for Harry.
"JAMES!"
Even though I knew he was dead, I screamed his name. He'd always been there for me, it was natural...but then, someone else had always been there for me too...
I slammed the door and moved away from it, backing myself against Harrys crib. I kissed his head once, twice, three times...so many times, because I knew I would never be able to do it much longer...
I turned from the door as it was flung open, the Dark Lord breeching the room easily. I choked out a sob, holding Harry tight to me, I might have been suffocating him...I'll never know.
"Please!" I cried, looking over my shoulder at my murderer. I wasn't above begging at this point for my sons life.
"He's a child, a baby! He can do nothing to you!"
He raised his wand.
I took my last deep breath.
He uttered the first word.
"Please..." I murmered, uttering my last word.
The beginning of the second word.
I gave Harry my last kiss.
And the last color I saw was green.
~*~*~*~*~
I wonder what Severus is doing right now.
I know that is a bizarre thought after I've just told you my and James' horrifying end, but I do wonder that often. Probably being his studious self, off perfecting potions, taking notes for a class lecture...
A class for which our son is more than likely in.
And it was our son that I saw in that green light, when my life flashed before my eyes. Not just my son, not just Severus' son...but also James son. He has as much right to be called a father as Severus does. Afterall....
He has my eyes.
He has James' charm.
He has Severus' determination.
Even though Severus wasn't able to raise is offspring, he did help to raise him in a way. He entrusted him to James, and Severus Snape entrusting something to James Potter is saying something.
But in the end, before I was finally at peace, I saw what I hope, and what I know James hopes, will happen.
Severus the father, and Harry the son, standing side by side, knowing eachother as such.
My life was my son, a gift that Severus gave to me, and a gift that James helped me to keep.
And my life truly did flash before my eyes.