Author's Notes:
This is a oneshot crack fic composed by myself and my friend Fae over the space of three days. It's extremely funny (well, to us, at least) and actually has a partial plot going.
View the original in all its contextual glory at tinyurl(dot)com /AtypicalDay
We hope you get some good laughs out of this!
It was a lovely day.
The Iceclimbers, Nana and Popo, were skipping merrily side-by-side down the sidewalk of the beautiful Super Smash Bros Melee world.
The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, and the characters of SSBM were beating the shit out of each other as usual.
Pikachu heard the noise and left what he was doing to go investigate, leaving a Jigglypuff with what looked like a electrocuted microphone on the ground.
Spinning round and round, the Iceclimbers bumped into something.
Turning to see what it was, they looked up to see the Master Hand towering over them.
Looking at it wide eyed, they both kept their hands together and whimpered in fear.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"
It shouted, pointing its index finger at them accusingly.
They looked at it, speechless.
The master hand swooped down and swept them up in it's grasp.
"WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! CROSSING THE STREET WITHOUT LOOKING BOTH WAYS?! UNACCEPTABLE. FAIL."
Pikachu knew that something wasn't right. Upon seeing the Master Hand, it shouted "PI PIKA PIKAA CHUUUU!" which of course, meant "HEY, THING! YOU'RE IN THE WRONG ROLEPLAY!"
Of course, this could also be translated to "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THOSE POOR CHILDREN!?"
Pikachu leaped into the air and attacked the Master Hand with its Steel Tail attack, causing the Hand to flinch and drop the two children.
Nana and Popo were dropped to the ground with a thud.
And, ironically, landed in the mud.
"WHAT THE HECK!?" Popo shouted, standing up, quite mad.
Nana stood up too, and stood next to her brother, quite sad.
The master hand, dazed and befuzzled, looked at the narrator, quite puzzled.
((-master hand zaps narrator-
"WTF? NO MORE DR. SEUSS." ))
The master hand then turned to the Iceclimbers, and pointed at them accusingly.
"YOU MUST OBEY THE TRAFFIC LAWS, MORONS." Its voice shouted angrily.
"HEY!" The twins said together, looking at it madly.
"We're not morons!" They whined and fell to the ground crying, holding each other in a hug.
The narrator glared angrily at the Hand. "I wasn't referencing Dr. Seuss, you idiot, I was referencing The Addams Family! And anyway, I'm a concept used to drive a story plot forward. More specifically, this one. You can't zap me!"
Pikachu dashed up to Nana and Popo. "Pika pi?" it said, which was short for "Are you guys okay?"
"Yeah, we're fine..." Nana said sniffling.
Popo also sniffled, and hugged Pikachu in a bear hug because he had childhood issues and tries to get as much love as he can because of neglect issues.
Nana then walked over to the Master Hand, dragging her brother along with her.
"Mr. Master hand, why did you have to grab us and call us bad names that shouldn't be said here because SSBB is rated PG-13 even though little kids still play because their parents don't care and/or don't pay attention?" she asked, rubbing the tears off her cheek, and not noticing that they had backed cars up since they were standing on the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD.
Pikachu didn't mind the sudden hugs because it was used to getting tackle-hugs from random children all the time. In fact, it was the poster child of hugs.
"Pika-pi?" it said curiously, which roughly translates to either: "How young ARE you two?" or "Do you really pull each other around with ropes?"
The narrator decided that this scene was getting a bit difficult and moved everyone over to a grassy area.
"Because I'm the BAD GUY. If I didn't insult you and talk to loudly... I'd look gay." the Master Hand said, turning its palm upward and lifting its wrist up, like some sort of mutated one-handed shrug.
"I mean, look at what that did to KIRBY." it said, pointing off the screen to where Kirby was standing. Kirby looked at the Master Hand angrily before flipping it off.
"Huh..."
The twins said at the same time, thinking hard.
"I guess you're right." Nana said, looking back at the Master Hand.
"Are we cool?" Popo asked, taking one hand away from the Pikachu he was bear-hugging and offering it to the Master Hand.
Pikachu thought this over for a moment, and decided that the master hand was right.
"Pikaa chuu pika pi chuu" he said, which clearly can only mean one thing. "Why can't we all just get along?"
The narrator paused the narration and stared angrily at Pikachu for a while.
...
...
...
"If we did that, there would be no plot! No storylines! And most importantly, no violent acts that constitute 85% of the fandom!"
Pikachu turned to the others and whispered: "Pii pika chuu", or "Still, if we did that, he'd be bored out of his mind."
"And we just love tormenting the narrator." Nana whispered back.
Popo nodded and looked back at the Master Hand.
He then noticed a box was scampering over in the corner.
"Hey..." he said, standing up and walking over to the box, and poking it with the back of his hammer.
Pikachu followed them curiously. He decided to view the box from the safety of the Master Hand.
Nana walked over to the box next to her brother, very carefully stuck her hammer out, and
BAM!
She smashed the thing open with a good whack.
Flying out of it came a red and white ball with a black strip across it.
Nana stared at it, confused, but Popo jumped back, and screamed.
Like a little girl.
"What... what is it?"
Nana asked, poking it with the back of her hammer.
Pikachu grinned and hopped down from the Hand.
"PIKA CHUU!"
It poked the button in the middle of the ball and the ball expanded. Another poke and out came a Magicarp. It flopped around for a few seconds, spotted Pikachu, and tried desperately to attack.
*SPLASH*
Pikachu looked at the Magicarp with a hint of annoyance.
Nana looked at the fish Pokemon flopping in front of her, and poked it with the back of her hammer.
"Hm... it looks pretty pathetic..." she said while examining it.
Popo came up and looked at it too, poking it with his glove.
"Can we eat it?" he asked, cocking his head to one side."
I don't think it'd taste very good..." Nana replied, raising an eyebrow.
Pikachu shook its head and stuck its tongue out to suggest what might happen if they tried to eat it. It then motioned toward a nearby stream and told the Hand to drop it there.
The Hand did so, and as the Magicarp went underwater, a bright glow of light radiated from it and it evolved into a roaring Gyarados.
((Anyone who gets what I'm referencing wins the internets.))
The Gyarados leapt out of the water and snarled at them, causing the ice climbers to topple backwards in fear.
"Gyah!" they shouted together, gripping each other in a tight hug.
The Gyarados bent over and looked at them with its deep, penetrating gaze.
And then, out of nowhere, a blue ball of light hit the Gyarados across the face! It recoiled back and slithered down in the water, looking at the figure that had struck him with large puppy eyes.
Standing there was SAMUS! She stood there with one hand on her hip and the other held upward.
"I was watching 'Desperate Housewives' and I heard some racket." she said glaring at them, although they couldn't see it because of her eye guard.
Pikachu looked at the large figure.
"PIKA CHU CHUU?!" which means "WAIT, YOU'RE A GIRL?!"
It mumbled to itself: "Pi pikaa pi chuu" ... "That's lame... all the real main characters are guys."
"WHAT?!"
She screeched pressing buttons amazingly fast on her gun so a metal ring spun around it.
"YOU WANT TO SAY THAT TO OKAMI'S FACE?! HOW ABOUT NiGHTS?! BUT NO! Because they'll use their amazing magic witch voo-doo crap to turn you inside out!" she snarled, holding it up by the tail.
Pikachu struggled and angrily sent a few volts of electricity through Samus in retaliation.
Meanwhile, a young boy clad in green was walking by and saw the Pikachu being held up by the tail. He quickly grabbed his bow and shot some arrows at Samus, which did nothing but bounce off the armor plates.
"...."
Samus looked at the arrows that were laying at her feet and just stared there for a moment, still holding up Pikachu, but her right arm went limp.
Nana stared at the arrows too, slightly confused.
"Fail."
The boy looked at his arrows in disgust.
"WHY AREN'T THEY WORKING?!?!?!"
He threw his arrows to the ground in disgust and threw a little hissy fit.
Pikachu took advantage of this distraction to slip out of Samus' grasp and move out of range.
"Piika-chu?" it called out, which means "Who are you?"
"I'm little Link!" he shouted, posing in an Important Manner.
"And that means I'm awesome! Because I'm little Link and I'm awesome!"
He pulled out his sword and dashed towards Samus, but it was like running into a brick wall. He fell onto his rear end and his sword clattered uselessly against the armor before falling to the ground beside him.
Samus looked at the boy in front of her, and then looked at the weapons that had fallen to the ground.
Picking up the sword, she examined it over in her hands twice, holding it carefully with her thumb and index finger, staring at it curiously.
"So... what? Do lasers shoot out of it or something?"
She said, pressing the bright jewel in hopes of a bomb coming out.
"It seems... pretty pathetic. And how the hell can you carry this, anyway?"
Little Link tried to grab the sword away from her, but he couldn't reach it, so he got up and dusted himself off. "It's lighter than it looks and I've been training!" he responded all in one breath.
Then he did a doubletake and his jaw dropped open.
"Wait, you're a GIRL?!? I LOST to a GIRL?!?! How is that possible??!?!"
He decided to vent by punching the nearest tree, apparently to show how tough he was. The tree wasn't too happy about this, and decided it was going to show little Link how tough IT was in return.
"OWWWW MY HAND!!!!"
"WHY ARE YOU ALL SO FREAKIN' SEXIST?!"
Samus almost started foaming at the mouth as she looked at them both crazily.
"I'm talking to the head of marketing about this."
(And that children, is why Pokemon Diamond and Pearl's commercials were directed at the female consumers last holiday season.)
Nana and Popo exchanged glances at each other and then back at the tree hitting the young boy.
"You'd think that after meeting with Sheik he'd get that bias out of his head..."
Popo whispered.
"No... I don't think he's met Sheik, or else he'd been on Zelda's short leash..."
"Owww.. I'm sorry, okay! I didn't mean it!" Little Link stepped away from the tree and turned towards Samus.
"And it's just... girls have cooties! Princess Peach and her friend are all lovey-dovey and it freaks me out! You don't even *look* like a girl, either.... but maybe that means you don't have cooties, I dunno.." His sentence trailed off as he looked thoughtful. After a while he looked back up at Samus.
"Can I have my sword back now?"
Thump.
Samus tossed the sword at the small elf boy. Aggravated, she clenched her fist.
"Cooties?! God... where the hell is that sissy-boy future self of yours, anyway? I need to go talk to him."
Little Link replied, "Big Link is annoying... he doesn't let me help his quests.."
The narrator paused. He drew a blank as to what to say next, and as he did, he realized it was becoming terribly annoying to talk in third person. Nobody else had to talk in third person, yet he did. He was aggravated and decided to shoot himse--