It is a cold winter's day. The four Marauders, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, are sat in the Hog's Head. James has a Butterbeer, Sirius is trying Firewhiskey, Remus has lemonade and Peter has a kid's size banana milkshake, bless him.
An unfortunate incident has occured this weekend in Hogsmeade. In an attempt to humilate Snivellus Snape yet again, James, known by his friends as Prongs, has been caught by the Prefect Lily Evans, the apparent love of his life (but she hasn't realised it yet) and been humiliated by her after trying yet again to ask her out.. To make matters worse, he has a weeks detention after the Head Girl reported him to Professor McGonagall. Poor Prongs.
Prongs:
Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong man! No one says no to James Potter!
Padfoot:
Darn right.
Prongs:
Dismissed. Rejected. Publicly humiliated. Why, it's more than I can bear!
Moony:
More beer?
Prongs:
What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.
Padfoot:
Who, you? Never! Prongs, you've got to pull yourself together!
(this is where the song starts)
Padfoot:
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, our Prongs, looking so down in the dumps.
Wormtail:
Every guy here'd love to be you, our Prongs, even when taking your lumps! (Special calcium tablets to help build muscles, I'll have you know!)
Moony:
There's no man in school as admired as you, you're everyone's favourite guy.
Padfoot:
Everyone's awed and inspired by you.
Wormtail:
And it's not...
Moony:
Very hard...
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot:
To see why...
No...one's...
Padfoot:
Slick as our Prongs
No one's quick as our Prongs
No one's next as incredibly thick as our Prongs,
Prongs:
Hey!
Wormtail:
For there's no one in school half as manly
Moony:
Perfect, a pure paragon
Padfoot:
You can ask any Ben, Frank or Wormtail...
Wormtail:
And there's tell you whose team they'd prefer to be on
(Some other people in the pub join in now. I'll call them Pubbers)
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Pubbers:
No one's flown like our Prongs
Got a throne like our Prongs (Imagine James had his own special chair in the common room)
Padfoot:
No one's got a swell Snitch of his own like our Prongs!
Prongs:
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Pubbers:
My, what a guy, good old Prongs!
Give five "hoorays!", Give twelves "hip hips!"
Wormtail:
Our Prongs is the best
And the rest are all drips
Pubbers:
No one tries like our Prongs
Tells great lies like our Prongs
Moony:
In a Quiddicth match nobody flies like our Prongs
Girls:
For there's no one as burly and brawny
Prongs:
As you see, I've got biceps to spare
Padfoot:
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny
Prongs:
That's right! And every last inch of me's covered with...flair!
Pubbers:
No one hits like our Prongs
Matches wits like our Prongs
Wormtail:
In a spitting match nobody spits like our Prongs!
Prongs:
I'm especially good at expactorating
Ptoie!
Pubbers:
Ten points for our Prongs!
Prongs:
When I was a lad I played four dozen games
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I play five dozen games
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!
Pubbers:
Ooh, yeah, right!
My what a guy, good old Prongs!
No one plays like our Prongs
Starts a craze like our Prongs
Moony:
Then goes wallowing round in his praise like our Prongs!
Prongs:
I use antlers in all of my decorating! (I know this had nothing to do with what Moony and the Pubbers were singing about, but I thought it was rather appropriate for this piece)
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Pubbers:
My what a guy, OUR PRONGS!