Warning: BoyxBoy love (Gays, imbeciles) and OOC Jiraiya. Beware. Sasunaru

Pairings: SasuNaru (rocks my world) KakaIru (rocks my socks) ?Saku (vote)

Disclaimer: None of this mine, except the plot. If someone else has done this, you've probably done it in a SasuSomeoneOtherThanNaruto way and I don't read those. But I apologize if it's out there, but it's too late now.

SOF: Why, hello my darling readers. One night around 2:00 A.M, kept up by insomnia and my mother's constant chatting on the phone (and she says I'M bad) I started wondering about Naruto manga, and all about what would happen if…

And so, this ficcy was born! Of course my muses hog all the credit but it was really me all along. Really. 'cough' …anyways; this chapter of What If centers on….TEACHERS!

Really, what would happen if Kakashi hadn't been the Team 7 leader? I have no clue, so I'm making up these odd little skits of the 3 Sannin teachers. Now my dears, when you review (and you WILL review) I challenge you to actually type in there which teacher you liked best, because at the end of ALL my chapters (or at least after 5) I'm going to take something from every different one and create my own little one-shot story from that. 'Kay?

Great! Now meet our lovely…errr….guests.

Naruto: You mean HOSTAGES you --------

SOF: I choose to censor that comment. 'smiles' Our "guests" are-

Sasuke Uchiha

Kakashi Hatake

Iruka Umino

Itachi Uchiha

And that's it!

Naruto: HEY! STUPID YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!

Me: ah, but Naruto, you stated very clearly from the uncensored part of your sentence that you were a "hostage". It's true; I did drug you and tie you up in that chair but everyone else came out their own blackmailed/bribed free will.

Kakashi: Who can argue with 3 new books?

Iruka: That is NOT a book. Sorry Naruto, but she asked so nicely and this certificate stating she'll teach class for a month is really too nice to pass up.

Itachi: Blackmail. 'glares' Ask and I'll slaughter your clan.

Sasuke: I'm here to kill Itachi, nothing else. Not for any other reason.

(inwardly curses stupidly putting his diary in such an obvious place)

Me: and that's the high and low of it.

Naruto: I feel so betrayed.

Me: Don't worry, dozens of fan clubs around the world (mutters: and Sasuke) love you.

-

Team 7 waited in the room. 'This is so stupid,' thought Sasuke aimlessly glaring at nothing. 'All the other teams have left by now and I'm stuck with these morons. I'm supposed to be on a team with them? Oh please, Sakura will just be an annoyance and I don't even want to start with Naruto.'

Sakura stared up at the ceiling; even her crush only a few feet away was forgotten as slowly her patience dissolved. 'Uh, this is so boring! What's wrong with our sensei, they should be here right now!' Inner Sakura yelled with a fist furiously raised defiantly in the air her own comments. 'Whoever's that rude doesn't deserve to be a Jounin, let alone our teacher! The jerk!'

Naruto was left staring at the door from his perch on a chair. 'Geez, this is so stupid! Where the heck's our teacher at! I give him five more minutes before giving him the old eraser routine.' He turned and glared at his rival. 'I bet Sasuke plotted this all along in order to stop my dream of becoming Hokage! I won't let him stop me! He's going down!'

Sasuke paused in his glaring of random objects (it was an eraser actually) and glared back at the stupid annoyance. Couldn't that moron be serious for even one second of his noisy, idiotic life? ...Nah.

Just as they were about to engage in another stupid, senseless battle of wills the door slammed open with a bang, causing Sakura to shriek and fall of her chair, Naruto to fall facedown to the floor with a loud yell, and Sasuke to momentarily freeze.

Jiraiya, one of the three legendary Sanin of the village stared at them with an unimpressed look on his face. "This is going to take some work," he finally said.

(Insert five years)

"Naruto!" yelled Sakura in her red-and-black-barely-there-dress. "Come on! We're gonna be late!" Next to her, Sasuke in his usual outfit (but a bit more fancy and different colors) tapped his foot impatiently.

"Oh, don't smear your lipstick Sakura!" came Naruto's muffled yell through the door. "Pervert teacher is out of town so no missions! Anyway, if he shows up, just tell him we're not genin anymore and this training is optional! I'll only take five minutes… at most…"

Sakura snorted. "That's what you said twenty minutes ago, idiot! Either you come out here now or Inner Sakura's dragging you out by the roots of your hair!" Inner Sakura cracked her knuckles gleefully. In a couple blinks later, Naruto came popping out, slamming the door behind him.

'Thought so,' thought Sakura gleefully before shoving Inner Sakura to the inner confines of her mind until she reached their destination.

"Geez Naruto," she heard Sasuke say behind her, to Naruto, "Could you get any more…" He paused, evidently searching for proper terms to describe Naruto's outfit. Sakura felt his pain.

"What?" came the jeering question. "Want me to wear an orange jumpsuit? It would bring back such memories." Sakura could just SEE that sarcastic grin on his face without having to turn around,

"NO!" they both screamed, even Sasuke. Naruto cracked a grin, propping his head back triumphantly. "Thought so," he muttered, evidently to himself.

Sakura shuddered just THINKING about that THING. Thank goodness, Jiraiya had been able to knock some sense into him. It was the third best thing he had done for them (the first knocking Sasuke out before letting Orochimaru have him and the second passing on his…appreciations).

Sakura let a small, evil grin drift on her face. She remembered when she was young and uncorrupted. Thankfully, that didn't last very long.

(Flashback)

Jiraiya smiled cheerfully at his students who were a bit tied up at the moment… literally. Sakura was having her hands full containing Inner Sakura, Sasuke was literally seething (he suspected if he so much as poked the boy his arm would be bitten off), and Naruto was well, being Naruto and yelling his head off. He must admit, the kid's vocabulary was impressive. He's met sailors who'd cringed by now.

His bratty students were sitting down at desks, tied to the chairs and well, were gagged. Guess he had to give the brats more credit than he thought. Still, come on. Did they have even one iota of sexual drive? Uh, no. He would be sure to fix that.

"Sensei!" yelled Sakura, Inner Sakura finally busting free. "What is wrong with you? Let us go you-" Jiraiya mentally cut her off as he listened to Sakura's and Naruto's swearing becoming less and less original. Hah, he would have never guessed the Pink Brat had it in her.

"Huh, guess everyone's out to prove me wrong," he muttered to himself thoughtfully, purposely ignoring the Orange Brat and the Pink Brat's cries of, "So senile and crazy you're talking to yourself!"…and the like.

As for the other brat well, he eyed him out of the corner of his eye and met a death glare so glarey that if glares were weapons the kid would have a whole warehouse of flamethrowers, machine guns, and giant robots armed with killer laser beams. So, this kid was of course not Orange Brat, Pink Brat, or Black Brat but Spoiled brat. How fun.

With a shrug, he got down to business. These kids were severely lacking in one critical field of education. "Alright all you brats," he began, straightening himself up, putting a serious look on his face. Instinctively, the genins looked up, shut up, and paid close attention.

"I realize," he began. "That all of you have been to the academy. All you know about being a ninja has been taught to through books or practice field tests, where there was always a teacher looking out for your back making sure their precious student didn't kill themselves with kunai or misplaced traps.

Welcome to the real world. And now, as your teacher it is my duty to Kohana, the village, the citizens of the village, and you to teach you about a subject which your teachers, trying to protect you have failed to show you." He gave them a sly look.

All of them were staring at him solemnly, Uzumaki with wide and eager eyes, Haruno just as eager if a little miffed about the teachers neglecting to teach her such an important subject, and even the Uchiha brat was staring at him intently. Oh, this was going to be so much fun. Maybe he wouldn't kill the Hokage for making him do this.

"The subject, the belief, the art of…" he trailed off, holding it out, watching intently as unconsciously all of them were leaning forward to hear the great and mighty secret piece of information that was so obviously highly prized. "The special appreciation that is…porn!" All of the other inhabitants of the room screamed. Jiraiya grinned, having put up with random women's screams, no sound could faze him! None!

(Return to my fake reality!)

Sakura grinned at her teammates as they reached the entrance. "You two have fun and no burning up people, yada, yada, yada. Chow." Without looking back she headed into the club and went straight into the yaoi headquarters secret office. Boy would her boyfriend of the month love her new photos of her two teammates making out.

Sasuke and Naruto stared curiously at each other for a moment before smirking. "Think we should tell her?" asked Sasuke as Naruto put an arm around his waist. "Nah," said Naruto escorting him under their disguised forms. "Better that she doesn't know."

"Pervert," Sasuke accused. "You too, sweetheart," said Naruto cheerfully. Sasuke didn't even have to think. "Duh." Man, how they owed their pervertous teacher. That wouldn't stop them from killing him when they grew strong enough of course. Oh, their poor not-so innocent eyes…

-

Me: Wee! That was fun. I like writing. None of you think I can write angst now though, probably. I can! The stories are just so long I don't want to type them all down. Don't worry (though you probably don't care) I will post them after I finish one of the two stories I'm working on.

Oh, how I adore my Sasunaru! Nothing's better! I'm going to have Sasunaru in ALL my stories. I really will. (sighs). I just went and Narutoified my spell check. Sasuke, Naruto, Uchiha, Itachi, and Jiraiya and every other Naruto names out there ARE NAMES! (Sigh, again).

Naruto: We can HEAR you, you know… (Is blushing) I give that story a 3! HAHA!

Sasuke: (is busy staring at Naruto) umm, 8, whatever.

Itachi:…7

Kakashi: 6, not enough-

Iruka: (hits Kakashi) 8

Me: Yahoo! (Informs audience) I actually got what they thought of my story by rolling dice… What can you do?

Next little one shot is about Tsunade. I wonder what would happen… (Stares off in space and prepares to type). Oh right. Important: In MY story, the Hokage has retired early and sent Tsunade to be the Hokage in his stead. Teehee.

-

The door opened with a bang. The three students jolted to attention. "Who are you?" asked Naruto, staring at the entered woman. Said lady glared. Sasuke stared. Sakura nearly fainted from shock.

"Brat," she began. "I am Tsunade, your Hokage. I've been your Hokage for-" she paused and checked her watch. "15 minutes and 3 seconds." "But what happened to the Old Man Hokage?" yelled Naruto, annoyed the old guy had left without making HIM Hokage.

Tsunade snorted and shrugged. "How should I know? Probably got paranoid in his old age. From what I heard, he's on a cruise in a special Hokage retirement plan." "The Hokages have a RETIREMENT plan?" asked Sakura, surprised.

Tsunade grinned. "Yep. A nice one too. I'm hoping I'll live long enough to enjoy it. Not many do." A silence drifted through the building. Crickets chirped. Birds sang. Frogs croaked. Flies…flew.

"So," Sasuke spoke. "Where's our teacher?" Really, he just wanted to meet the stupid teacher and get this whole introduction thing over with so he could go home and train some more. Really, this whole thing was a waste of time.

Tsunade grimaced. "Well, no teacher was available, so I got stuck with it because I lost a bet," she said bluntly. The three stared. And stared. And stared. I think you get the point. Let's move forward!

(The Next Training Session)

The three genin sat in front of the desk. "Hey, old hag! How are we supposed to train in an office?" The lady grinned and pointed to a large stack of paperwork. "That," she said cheerfully, "Is your mission. Finish all that paperwork before lunch break and I might feed you. Otherwise you will go hungry."

Ignoring the gaping stares, she walked out of the room and locked the door behind her after sticking her head back inside the room. "Damage anything in this room and you pay for it with community service! And-" she added. "That means ALL of you get the punishment. You have three hours. Bye!" And the way was shut.

Naruto sighed. "Geez! What a-" He paused and looked at his teammates who were glaring with eyes of doom. He laughed nervously and backed away slowly (predators can sense your fear) "Guys?" and they pounced.

(5 Minutes Later)

"Guys…I still don't get it." Inner Sakura screamed and even Outer Sakura looked on the brink of murder. Sasuke sighed, and did his best to keep cool. 'Keep calm, torture idiot later, COMMUNITY SERVICE, breath, breath…' Whoa. What HAPPENED while I was eating ice crea- while we were gone through the magic of the fast forward button?

"Dobe," said Sasuke through gritted teeth ("Hey!") "You are tied to the chair because there is no way I- Sakura is doing community service. I don't care either way, of course, but I thought you might SHUT UP! The reason you'd get us community service is because you would break something, like you usually would!'

"I already know that!" whined Naruto. "I just wanted to know why both Sakura and Sasuke had rope in their pockets!" The remaining members of the team flushed, and looked away (Sakura looking at Sasuke, Sasuke looking at Naruto, and Naruto looking at… the ceiling.)

"Wasn't there something we were supposed to do?" asked Naruto suddenly. The three pondered this. "Paper work!" screamed Sakura and Naruto while Sasuke turned an unhealthy shade of pale…

(Two and a half hours later)

"Ma ung es ore (my tongue is sore)," moaned Naruto. "Ma 'ack es iff an- (my back is stiff and-)" Sasuke stuck an envelope in front of his mouth and he licked the seal obediently before continuing his whining.

"Ah em ired an ored an ah em ona ick or- (I am tired and bored and I am gonna kick your- ). Lick. "I em I uck ih is upid ob?" (Why am I stuck with this stupid job?) Silence.

Sakura silently prayed with Inner Sakura that Naruto would just SHUT UP and if she heard him whine unintelligible complaints ONE MORE TIME she would DO SOMETHING awful. She just knew it. With a 'calming' breath (those lying yoga videos!) she finished examining the report on the inefficient number of fire hydrants on 546 Little Hobbit Lane.

These requests were so stupid and the names so weird she almost thought that some higher deity had decided to punish her by making her do fake paperwork. She chuckled to herself silently, shaking her head. No one could be that cruel. She attacked her work with a new vigor. (A/N :…).

Meanwhile, Sasuke took the next piece of paperwork from the stack (which was growing at an alarming rate) and stuffed it in an envelope. If by stuffed you mean that it was carefully folded EXACTLY on the line and the folds were carefully pressed so that when you opened it there would be no obvious creases.

If he was going to be stuck in an office with a loud mouthed fool and a pink haired nuisance with a lame mission, the least he could do was completely accomplish it to the best of his ability. He wasn't going to be the reason some wealthy noble decided to wage war upon Kohana.

A mental image of a sniggering Itachi appeared in his mind, and he forced it down gritting his teeth. Nothing was going to distract him. Even if this mission was stupid and pointless. At least Naruto had shut up.

"Ith is the upideth mithon evea! Ith ather ase a at!" (This is the stupidest mission ever. I'd rather chase a cat). Lick. Sasuke groaned aloud this time, pride be dammed. This was torture!

(Outside the Office)

Tsunade stared inside through the one way mirror, a smirk on her face as she absently shook the cup with dice in her hand, enjoying the sound it made. Heheheh…the brats were falling for it perfectly. Their system wasn't too bad either. Sakura sped read the document and signed a brief response, Sasuke folded it in the envelope and poor tied up Naruto licked it shut.

Huh. She would imagine licking envelopes for that long would be rather painful. She shrugged. Oh, well. At least he would appreciate his secretary if he became Hokage. She eyed hers out of the corner of her eye, who was apparently doing the real paperwork.

Tsunade wondered what they would do if they realized the paperwork was fake. She snorted, knowing their responses already. In torture methods she was original, if she did say so herself (she did). At least this way, they would never complain about mission reports.

(Insert like, fifteen years)

Naruto eyed his genin team as they squabbled in the Hokage's office- HIS office and grinned, fiddling with that picture on the wall that NEVER stayed at a straight angle. The three of them had a good system going on in there; they might even get halfway done.

"Your secretary is working on paperwork," said Sasuke from behind him. The Jounin had a habit of sneaking behind him at random times. Naruto absently wondered if it was a game- See-How-High-You-Can-Make-The-Dobe-Jump. He wondered what the record was.

"So," muttered Naruto, as he concentrated his attention on the little worker ninjas in the room ahead. "What's your point?" Really, was he as immature as they were at his age; Kameko was putting Shina in a headlock with Mamoru watching with wide eyes as the prettiest girls in school attempted to pound the heck out of each other. Nah.

"If the secretary's working on paperwork what are theyworking on?" asked Sasuke, persisting. Naruto snickered as Kameko pulled Shina's hair and fell off her chair; what cute kids.

"Oh, some papers I found from some law firm that ran out of business ages ago," answered Naruto off-handily. "Hey, do think that Mamoru will snap out of his shock long enough to realize they're ripping not only each other's hair but random pieces of paper? Bet you the electricity bill he doesn't."

"Bet you the water bill and the new window replacement for the old one on the upper story that Tani broke playing freeze tag with shuriken that Shina crashes into the cabinet. Oh, and sadist."

"Deal. And don't be cruel; Shina's aiming to be the best girl Hokage ever and she needs to gain a respect for secretaries." Sasuke snorted disbelievingly, and winced with Naruto as Kameko tripped over a random piece of paper onto Mamoru and Shina.

Hey, at least Naruto's idea was original. "CRASH!" All three of the team members had crashed into the cabinet- a gift from the Kazekage of Sand. Naruto groaned as Sasuke smirked in triumph- at least he had an excuse for yelling at the brats. He smiled evilly, yes COMMUNITY SERVICE!

-

Me: Whee! Okay I know you don't care but these are the meanings of the names I just found online:

Kameko: tortoise-child, the symbol of long life

Shina: virtue, good

Mamoru: earth

Tani: valley; sweetheart; youth; bull that charges randomly

So, yeah. Hey, where are my hostage-err….pawns-eh, slaves-uhhhh, WHERE ARE MY JUDGES?

(Looks around and sees them arguing whether Naruto really owes Sasuke the water bill and a new window. Smacks head repeatedly against convenient wall and decides to not bother; there was plenty of time to torture them in the next fanfiction and poses to type with an EVIL glint in eyes…)

- (May the torture begin…Fufufu…)

Warning: Serious crack

Blah, blah, blah, Team 7 waiting, you've heard this already. Alright, the three were sitting in the classroom, Naruto and Sasuke were glaring daggers of pain and suffering at each other and Sakura was mentally ranting about the rude teacher they got stuck with.

All of a sudden the wall was blasted open and a weird guy with black hair and snake eyes appeared through the haze. Sasuke was up on his feet immediately with a kunai in his eyes, Sakura was frozen with shock, and Naruto was staring, frozen standing up.

"Hello childrenssss," said the creepy guy. "Meet your new teacher. I like sssnkesss and power, brainy kids with impossible crushesss, said impossssible crushesss who happen to be an avengersss, and misssunderssstood demon-carrying children." He smiled, revealing two pointed fangs.

"Who are you?" asked Sakura, the three still staring, unmoving. The creepy-snake/power/brainy kids with impossible crushes/said impossible crushes who happen to be avengers/ misunderstood demon-carrying children liker smiled and replied.

"Why, I am your new teacher. Hisssssssss." Sakura fainted. Naruto's eyes were dots. Sasuke looked traumatized with horror. Orochimaru (surely you've figured it's out it's him by now) grinned and signaled for Kabuto.

Said doctor/ ninja trotted up obediently and knocked the two boys out with darts. Orochimaru laughed maniacally while Kabuto sighed and left before Orochimaru made him carry the unconscious three all the way to Sound.

"Kukukukukukukukuku, that was easier than I thought! The combined powers of the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the sssharingan, and… a medic nin shall help me in my conquest of SsssEVIL! Sssnakes Eat Viciousssly Insssignificant Life! Kukukukukukukuku…wait! Kabuto! Come back here! I'm not carrying them to Sssound! KABUTO!"

(The End)

-

I am not going to let my twisted mind carry that scenario ANY further. No, no way. Nuh uh. Maybe later. But not now!

Wahoo! Ten pages! So tell me which of the three stories you liked better, if you're bothering to review. My lovely guests/hostage would like you to review as well. RIGHT.

Sasuke, Itachi, Iruka, Kakashi, and Naruto:

"…whatever,"

"…"

"stupid pervert…I mean, yes review!"

"oohh, look, a bird! Is this the meaning of life (reference to AMV on you tube)?

"THERE IS NO WAY I'M PAYING HIS BILLS...OR BUYING A NEW WINDOW!"

Sigh….review!