A/N: I just had to read Catcher in the Rye for school and it spawned this. Enjoy.
"I felt so damn happy all of a sudden, the way old phoebe kept going around and around. I was damn near bawling, I felt so damn happy, if you want to know the truth. I don't know why. It was just she looked so damn nice, the way she kept going around and around, in her blue coat and all. God I wish you could have been there."
~Holden Caulfield
In Circles
I shouldn't tell you my name because my mother says it's dangerous to give your name to strangers. Actually she says that I shouldn't talk to strangers at all but I still do. And since I'm already breaking the rules I might as well tell you my name, I guess.
It's Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield, if you want to know and I'm nine years old.
I have two older brothers. Their names are D.B. and Holden and even though I love both of them Holden is really my favorite. But don't tell either of them I said that. It would make them sad.
I used to have three brothers but Allie died when I was really little and I don't remember him very much. I remember that he was nice. He always had time to play with me, help me color and stuff like that. Even after he got sick Allie always had time.
I don't think it would change too much, for me at least, if he were alive. I'd have one more brother to play with who'd tease me about being too skinny and for changing my middle name every other week but that would be about it. Maybe Holden might be happier; maybe if Allie were alive then he wouldn't have had to go away to live with D.B. in California. I guess we'll never know.
He's coming back this week, Holden I mean, and I'm glad. I've missed him while he's been gone. He says that he misses me too and that California is an awful place, more full of phonies than even New York. He told me this on the telephone. He called to talk to me all the time while he was gone. Even that first week when I wouldn't talk to him because I was mad that he broke his promise not to go away. But it isn't the same. No one dances with me when he isn't here and as much as I like to dance doing it alone isn't any fun.
I wish Holden would learn that. I wish he'd understand that doing everything all alone isn't any fun. I think he'd be a lot happier that way. Maybe not as happy as he would be if Allie were still alive but happier then he is now. But he's coming home this week so I guess that none of that really matters. We can fix it later. He'll probably understand it better if he's here with people he doesn't mind being not alone with.
The Catcher in the Rye
Holden will be home in three hours and Daddy promised that I could go to the train station to with him when he goes to pick him up. My parents offered to let him fly home but planes make Holden nervous so he took the train instead. He promised me last night when he called that he would take me to the zoo again today, like he did before he left to make up for breaking his promise and going away. He told me not to bring any money, that he would pay for everything. He said that I could ride the carousel as many times as I wanted. That I could just keep going and going until I got the golden ring, all day if I wanted to. He said it like it was very important.
Sometimes I get the feeling that Holden says more than one thing at a time. Not like he says something and means another, not like lying or being two faced. Holden might lie to other people but he never lies to me and he hates phonies. It's more like he's trying to say something without saying it so he says two things at once without actually saying one at all.
Things like that make me worry about him. I get scared that one day he'll try to tell us that he's sad or that he needs something or something else important and no one will understand him. I'm afraid of what he'll do when that happens, if he'll run away for real or something. Last Christmas he couldn't even last for a week on his own in a city he's lived in for his entire life. I don't know what would happen to him if he tried to go away.
I don't ever want to find out.
The Catcher in the Rye
The train station was very crowded, which meant that it was very noisy. Mothers dragged their screaming children on and off trains. Old ladies in colorful hats, decorated with feathers, fruit, or ribbons and sometimes all of them at once gossiped in corners, laughing loud, witchy, old lady laughs. Businessmen looking serious and tired in their suits waited patiently for the trains that would take them home.
Seven nuns shepherded a group of girls only a little older than me out of the little diner in the station and tried to get them out of the building without leaving anyone behind. Each of the girls was holding onto the collar of the uniform of the girl in front of her, making it impossible for anyone else to get into or out of the station until they left. They waited for everyone to move out of their way before exiting, a long wall of identical plaid and shiny leather Mary Jane's carving a path through the city.
I was hungry but Holden had promised to buy me ice cream while we were at the zoo so I kept on the lookout for him, trying to ignore the rumbling in my stomach. He needed to show up soon before it started to eat itself like my friend Jenny said it would if I got too hungry. I'm pretty sure she was lying but at this point I'd rather not take any chances. Maybe Holden was rubbing off on me.
"Phoebe?"
My head snapped around looking for Holden, he was the only one who said my name that way, like I was something special.
"I'm behind you." He sounded amused and I wondered how he'd gotten back there without Daddy or I seeing him. But I didn't question it too deeply. I was too exited about seeing him to quibble.
"Holden!"
I launched myself at his legs knocking him off balance and causing him to drop his suitcase. I watched in horror as the clasp came undone and his clothes spilled all over the dirty station floor. Then he surprised me.
He laughed.
Loud and real it went on and on. I'd never heard him laugh like that before, Holden didn't do happy very well. I decided that California wasn't a bad place after all, phonies notwithstanding.
The Catcher in the Rye
I quickly finished off my ice cream cone before handing the man working in the booth enough money to buy one ticket for the carousel. It had been a good day. Holden was back and he was happier than I'd seen him in a long time, maybe ever. Mommy and Daddy were less stressed, D.B. was coming to visit for my birthday next month, and I was on a trip to the zoo with my favorite brother, eating ice cream that he bought me, about to take a ride on the carousel. Life was good.
The man in the booth handed me my ticket and I rushed to turn it in to the man waiting at the gate. The carousel was old and I wanted to make sure that I got a good seat. One that didn't wobble too much and that still went high enough so that I would have a chance to grab at the golden ring. I knew that it was unlikely that I'd ever get it, wobbly horse or not. I knew that there was a chance that I might fall off and get hurt. I knew there was a chance that I'd end up with a brass ring instead. But that's life I guess.
I felt the ride start up with a jerk and sighed. We all go round and round in circles, chasing after this dream that almost none of us will get. People will fail. People will get hurt. We may end up on wobbly horses or horses that never go high enough for our fingers to even brush the prize. But that's a risk we take. A risk we have to take.
The ride began to wind down and children clambered off, rushing out the gates to find their families. I followed, knowing that if I didn't move soon the ticket taker at the gates would shoo me off. I left quietly, wondering what I would have to do to convince Holden to ride with me. I'd waved at him a few times during the ride and he'd nodded back. Holden wasn't a waver.
I scanned the crowd on the lookout for him. He was normally really easy to spot because he was so tall and not being able to find him immediately made me more that a little nervous.
"Phoebe? You do realize that you're blocking the exit, right?" My brother's voice jolted me from my thoughts before I could panic. He was standing behind me looking amused for the second time today. But that was Holden all over. Always where you least expect him. Always taking the long way around. He never made things easy.
"Holden!" I scolded.
He just grinned, sheepish and apologetic and handed me another ticket.
"I'll ride with you this time."
I felt my face nearly split I was smiling so hard. I probably would have stayed there for the rest of the day with that goofy smile on my face if Holden hadn't grabbed my hand and tugged me towards the line.
Easy things were boring anyway.
A/N: There, it's done. Hopefully I didn't butcher Phoebe's character too badly. I tried to keep it in the original style of the novel but I'm not sure how well I succeeded. As always, reviews are appreciated and adored.