Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VIII and its characters do not belong to me, they belong to Squaresoft.
He had asked to be held.
Under any other circumstance, he might have brushed the request off; he might have even laughed.
" When I wake up, you'll still be here, won't you? I don't... I don't want to wake up anywhere else but here..."
Laguna's words had been so serious, that he had been left with no choice but to comply.
They lay together, on the small cot of a bed. As Laguna had said, it was a tight squeeze, but somehow they both had managed. In any other circumstance, he might have blushed.
"Kiros... Thanks for doing this"
Laguna's voice was small and childish, filled with a sadness that made Kiros wonder just what had happened during his absence. Since when did Laguna ramble on about things like that? Laguna was supposed to be the ray of sunshine in their group. The hapless idiot who kept them from falling too far in depression. For Laguna to be this down, it seemed abnormal. Like the sun suddenly switching places with the moon.
Though even rays of sunshine had their bad days.
" Don't mention it" Kiros said, staring at the wall, anywhere that would keep him from noticing how close Laguna was to him.
He could only imagine how this might look if Raine were to come up here. Just what would they say? Was there anything that could even be said? Once again his thoughts drifted to Raine. She was a beautiful woman. She seemed like Laguna's type. Pretty and kind, and yet, strong too. He wondered how far the two had gone.
A part of him was jealous. For so long it had always been the three of them. Laguna. Kiros. Ward. Now it would be like Julia all over again. Or maybe, there was a small chance that it would not. It was a future that he wished he could see. He would not be able to stand seeing Laguna get hurt again.
Laguna's soft snoring was the only sound that filled the quiet room, and Kiros liked it that way. He also hated it. With the room so quiet, he was left to his own thoughts. Like a bad movie played over and over again, he saw the way Laguna looked at Raine. The way Raine looked at Laguna when she thought no one was looking.
It was not the relationship that bothered him. He was more than happy to see that Laguna had found someone he could love, and that would love him back. It was just, a sense of uneasiness that did not seem to want to leave. The feeling that soon something was going to happen. Another little wrench thrown into their life that would leave Laguna a mess.
Wrapping his arms tighter around his sleeping friend, he buried his face against Laguna's black hair. Was it so wrong to care more about someone else's happiness, rather than his own? Laguna deserved to be loved. Laguna deserved to be happy.
What about your own happiness? It's pathetic, the way you follow him around...
The cruel voice in his head was always his own. Always whispering sweetly in his head, naming his faults. It twisted the feelings he felt for Laguna, turning them into something dirty. He did not feel for Laguna like that. At least, he did not think so. He loved Laguna as a brother, a comrade-in-arms. He loved him the same way he loved Ward.
And yet, you only worry about Laguna's happiness.
The quietness was no longer soothing, and for once Kiros wished for Laguna's idiotic ramblings. He loved hearing the man talk. It always soothed him in ways that other things could not. Laguna was an optimistic and cheerful person, a guiding light. A long time ago, Kiros had realized that there was something about Laguna that made him a natural leader. Even if he was an idiot, and often did things without thinking, Laguna had the power to gather people around him. Every life he entered, no matter how long or short the meeting, was always changed by him.
Pathetic...Worshipping a man like a god... No wonder you have only yourself.
The voice was always sweet, his own inner voice, whispering sweet poisoned words into his mind. For so long he had ignored them, able to do so only because of Laguna. Their friendship always kept the voice at bay. And yet, this time something seemed different.
I understand... I know how it feels to love someone, and be so confused about it... To feel this way and that... I understand... It makes me feel better, to know I am not the only one, who feels this way...
The second voice always confused him. He had heard it before, just faintly, when they had all been in Deling City. He had also heard it once again here in Raine's bar. A soft and gentle voice. He and Laguna had jokingly referred to them as "fairies", though for some reason he knew that they were much more complex than that.
It's so hard, having to be the voice of reason all the time, isn't it? It would be nice to be able to give up control of the reins once and a while... To indulge in the forbidden sweets before you...
It was so true. Even if Laguna was the leader of the group, it always seemed he was the voice of reason. Sometime later on, when he thought back on this mental conversation with his mental therapist, he would laugh. Of course he was the voice of reason, the only one more level-headed than him was Ward; and Ward had no voice.
You love him. That's what frightens you. You love him, and you can not define just what that love is...
Kiros loved Laguna. He could remember times when they were younger, both just grunts in the army, spending time together in their tent. Sex between soldiers back then was something that would not be looked down on. It was normal back then, a way of boosting morale and trust between the soldiers.
Back then, when he'd had the chance, he had never pursued it. Now when he wanted to, or at least wanted to try, there was no way he could pursue it. They were no longer teens. Love between men, that kind of love, was something that was never meant to last. Besides, Laguna had a woman. Just how could he compete with a woman who could bear him children and give him a real home?
And yet, Laguna had asked /him/ to hold him...
For some reason, that thought gave Kiros the comfort he needed to make his rest a peaceful one.