"I don't understand why you can't see where I'm coming from!" Rosalie yelled at me for what seemed like the hundredth time. She thinks Bella shouldn't become one of us. I have always been the most adamant in supporting her transformation. This issue has been a rough spot for us. We never used to fight. Any disagreements we used to have would basically evaporate once we were both naked. This is different, this isn't going away.
"Just because I don't agree doesn't mean I don't understand. I had different experiences than you." I try feebly to explain. There are reasons why I don't talk about my human life. I usually shrug off questions about that time. When asked Rosalie will tell people about the bear attack and that's generally enough to satisfy curiosity. Most of the time I wish I was like Alice, that I couldn't remember anything before I was changed.
The memories start flooding back as if I had called them.
I was an awkward child and as I grew I became more so instead of less. As a teenager I finally grew into my bulk and fat was replaced by muscle and offset by height but I was uneasy with it. I was still larger than my peers and even when I was being cheered on playing football in the back of my mind I was still the fat kid crying in the corner.
To say that I didn't fit in would be the understatement of the century. I was an outcast even among outcasts. I was too stupid to fit in with the scholarly crowd but to smart to really find a place with the other jocks. I floated somewhere in the middle ignored and unwanted.
I made the football team simply because of my size, not any skill on my part. I would stand on the line and try not to let anyone pass, that was it. The coach even explained it to me in those exact words, evidently he thought I was too dumb to understand further. I understood more than he realized though. I understood that he didn't want me on the team at all. I was just the biggest kid in school and a sure fire way to intimidate opposing teams. He was of the school of thought that the bigger they are the smaller their brains. He always talked to me with that in mind.
I did okay in my classes, not much was expected of me there either so when I squeaked by with a C everyone tended to be impressed so I didn't push myself to do better. I sat in the back of class and kept my head down. When the teacher would call my name I was usually so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't know what question had been asked of me. This only proved to everyone that I was indeed a half wit.
Even at home I always seemed to be in the way. My father's job kept him away from home more often than not and money was tight. At least once a day my mother would complain about how much I ate and that my food consumption was the reason that she didn't have any nice things anymore. I'm sure she loved me in her own way but she married very young and then within months found herself alone most of the time. She would comfort herself by shopping and delighting in the gifts my father would bring back for her. Neither of them wanted to have any children, to their credit they tried the best they could but I was little more than a burden to them from the start.
Books were my escape, through them I could be a daring knight or a crusading king. I could be an honest thief or a powerful wizard. I could be the smartest detective or his even smarter assistant. I wasn't a bumbling oaf, I wasn't a monster, when I escaped into my books. I would often sit and read and for a few stolen moments I wasn't unhappy. Those moments rarely lasted, reality would inevitably intrude.
All of this may have been bearable if I had seen a way out or if I had someone I could just be me with. I might not have ended up where I am now if I had had one thing to hold onto.
One day it all came to a head and thus came crashing down on mine. I was walking through school with my head down as always. It was my way of trying to look smaller. I didn't even notice her step out in front of me until we collided.
"Geez, why don't you watch where you are going you dumb oaf. You could have crushed me!" Jennifer yelled at me from the floor where she had fallen after I ran into her. I was surprised, she had never spoken to me before. She was the prettiest girl in school and as she looked at me with hatred I realized that she had never wanted to speak to me at all. I reach out a hand to help her up. She cringed and jerked away, I was a monster, she didn't want to touch me at all.
I walked to class with a heavier heart than normal and my day just continued to get worse. Mr. Bradshaw, my Math teacher, decided that I needed more class participation and called me to the front of the room to solve a problem. I hated math, the numbers and signs tended to jumble up in my head and I had the hardest time keeping them straight. Worse when I put the chalk to the board my frustration caused me to do so harder than necessary and it broke in my hand. Mocking laughter filled the room. In the end I solved the problem wrong and the laughter continued. I ran from the class as soon as possible.
I had a football game that afternoon so I figured the day would get better, it didn't. The game was a disaster, for the first time the other team was not afraid of my size. They taunted me from the side lines and during the first scrimmage I was so worked up I forgot to hold back. I strong-armed the quarterback as he ran past me and he flipped through the air. When he landed he was knocked unconscious. Everyone looked at me as if I had done it on purpose.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" The coach yelled, "You could have killed him!" I wanted to apologize, I wanted to explain that I had let the teasing get the better of me. I couldn't make my voice work and in the end just stared at the ground while he flung insults at me. "Get out of here. You are banned from the team, I never want to see you set foot on this field again." That was it, the one thing I could do well was gone.
I got home earlier than I should have on account of having no reason to stay out. I could hear voices coming from my mother's bedroom when I walked in. I went and knocked on her door to let her know I was home. When she didn't answer my knock I went in thinking she was on the phone or something. My mother was in bed with a man who was not my father. I couldn't believe it. I walked over to the bed and bodily lofted him up and pushed him out of the room throwing his clothes out behind him.
That's when my mother started screaming at me. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she yelled unconsciously echoing the coach's earlier sentiment. "You ruin everything! Just like you have taken everything. You have now taken away the one thing that brought me joy. I wish you had never been born!" She was still screaming at me as I ran out of the house. Tears started to fill my eyes and I just ran as fast as I could.
A long time latter I finally slowed down. My legs ached and I had no idea where I was. I was lost in the woods and I really didn't care. I wandered for what seemed like hours until my stomach started to growl. I wondered if I should find something to eat and then realized I had no idea how. I could just waste away out here. The world would be better for it.
The growling got louder and I realized it wasn't just my stomach making the noise. A quick survey of my area revealed a grizzly bear not far from me. She probably had cubs nearby and I was getting too close for comfort. If I backed away there would be no problem she would go back to her life and I could return to mine. I didn't have a life to return to though. I had nothing left to live for. I was too cowardly to kill myself but I could let the bear do it for me.
I took a step closer and the growling increased in intensity. I took a few more and the bear started to move towards me. Three more steps and she lunged. I could feel her weight land on me. I felt searing pain like fire as her claws ripped into my flesh.
I knew I was dead when I saw an angel standing over me as my world went black. Then I was floating and I knew I would soon be at peace.
Soon though the pain in my body narrowed to a small area of my neck, it burned. The burning moved to my throat and I found that I could feel my body again. Cautiously I opened my eyes and was convinced that I was in heaven. The colors were sharper the contrasts were crisper and there was my angel standing over me.
It took a while for me to realize that I wasn't dead or rather that I was undead. It didn't matter though, I no longer wanted to die. I had finally found what I had been searching for. I belonged, I had a family that accepted me, that loved me. I had my angel of undeath and for the first time I was happy, truly happy.
My thoughts came back to the present and I was surprised to see sadness in Rosalie's beautiful eyes. With a bit of a shock I realized that I had been speaking my memories out loud. She new all my secrets now.
"Emmett, I had no idea. You never wanted to talk about it, I had thought you were just grateful to be alive after the bear attack, I never thought that you had wanted to die." She was near hysterical so I did the only thing I could think of I pulled her to me and kissed her.
"I had wanted to die. That is until you gave me a reason to live. I know what it's like to not fit in, to feel unwanted. I see a lot of my former self in Bella. I see her reaching for the same acceptance that I did. I see the love she and Edward share and how much it is like what we have. How could I not want her to have the same chance that you gave me? Now can you see why I voted the way I did? In a way I am voting for myself. I would have chosen this life with all my heart if I had been given the option. Instead I am thankful to that bear, she gave me everything by giving me to you." I hope it's enough to explain to her what I mean. I have never been good with words after all.