Holding On and Letting Go
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Battlestar Galactica.
Summary: Bill Adama had only to look at the woman he loved, watch Laura Roslin accept that she was dying, to know he'd never get away from the grief.
A/N1: Thanks to those who reviewed my previous #BSG fics. Y'all's are awesome!
A/N2: Enjoy! Leave a review if you feel so inclined. They are ever so appreciated. #TodayIsLife
~~~~~PT~~~~~
"I like this service," she'd leaned over and whispered to him.
"It's not for me," he'd replied back quickly.
"I know but I want you to know what I like," she'd explained.
Their lives had been filled with so much sadness of late. Everywhere either of them turned, death or dying was right there. It was a fact of life, yes, but it seemed to be so much more prevalent. There seemed to be no way to get away from it. Giving notifications to grieving widows or widowers, funeral wakes at dawn; the sorrow was ever present on his ship.
Bill Adama had only to look at the woman he loved, watch Laura Roslin accept that she was dying, to know he'd never get away from the grief. Never could he accept the loss of her. No matter how much she tried to prepare him, he fought against it. Nowhere in his mind, in his heart, or in his soul, could he ever accept losing her.
"I don't want people talking about you, Bill, and I better never hear anyone say anything about you," she had stated with determination. It was during their conversation about Starbuck, the same conversation when he'd asked her to stay. But she wanted to protect him and she would.
True to her word, she set out to keep him and his reputation from being smeared by the gossipmongers in his crew and the fleet. Rather than spend all of her treatment days in Adama's quarters, Laura chose to stay in Sick Bay away from the peering eyes of strangers who would gossip about their arrangement.
Their relationship was theirs; it wasn't open to commentary, speculation or jokes. Despite their titles, they were real people, humans just as those who spoke out of turn about them. In public, they were respectful of their titles but in private, their time was their own and hers was being cut short. She was running out of time to live her life, to prepare him for her death, to allow herself to love if she ever gathered the nerve to admit that's what it was between them. He had said the words but she had yet to voice them. A life of living on her own, of being afraid to truly love because love meant loss, made her incapable at that point to admit certain things to herself and thus she couldn't admit them to him. Whatever she felt for him, whatever she could admit to feeling at that time, she knew one thing. She'd protect him till the end, no holds barred. No one could come after Bill Adama if she had anything to say, or do, about it.
"I can't live without her," he'd honestly admitted as he prepared to wait alone in the sky for the woman he loved.
When President Roslin saw the opportunity to make the Cylons mortal, she couldn't pass it up. Informing Baltar he was going with her, they took off for the Cylon Baseship.
For forty-eight hours, Roslin and Adama did what they had to do for their fleet, for the survival of humanity, but the other was never out of their own thoughts.
With each jump, Laura conversed with the spirit of Elosha, saw her own demise and the grief Bill experienced. "Rest, I won't be selfish anymore," he'd tearfully said. WhenElosha pointed out she doesn't love people anymore, she was, deep inside, not in agreement but seeing that image of herself and the man who loved her touched her heart and she thought about them, their relationship, and decided to name what she felt for him.
As time passed, the more worried Adama became that he'd never see again but never voiced those fears aloud. Rather, he spoke of finding her safely and returning her home to Galactica. His argument with Col Tigh made it clear he shouldn't take resources for his own personal quest so he made the decision to wait for her on his own. Relinquishing his command to Tigh, explaining to his son why he had to complete this solo mission, and sitting in the raptor as the ships jumped away all made perfect sense for a man deeply in love. He'd wait for her to show up at the rendezvous point. He'd have her to himself while he brought her home. He'd have her to himself when he brought her back to his quarters and asked her to stay with him that night.
"Missed you," he'd said because she was standing right in front of him; alive, breathing and unharmed despite the blood on her blouse.
"Me too," was all she could manage to get passed the lump in her throat.
As they were holding onto each other, she stopped fighting with her heart. "I love you," came out on a whisper; quiet but heartfelt.
She enjoyed the feel of his arms as they tightened around her then saw the look in his eyes as they became wet with happiness at finally hearing those words. "About time," was just so him and when he pulled her back into his arms, she cried with everything she had now that the walls were tumbling down.
He'd always thought they'd be alone when they professed their love for one another. In a sense they were but the Cylon Baseship didn't allow for them to make love and that's always what he envisioned happening after she said those precious words to him for the first time. He just wanted to take her home, take her back to his quarters and back to his bed. He wanted to hear her say she loved him while he moved within her. He needed for them to whisper words of love and life, kiss away each other's tears, and make each other smile while she enveloped him.
The Cylons had other ideas.
"I'm going to keep your people hostage," Deanna announced suddenly, ending his plans. She wanted him to go back to Galactica with her and Roslin agreed. Heaven help that woman when she's on a mission, he thought.
He'd gone back to his ship and watched as Tory offered to bring Laura her medicine when Deanna returned. Knowing nothing of who the Cylons amongst his fleet were, he was just glad Laura's break in treatment would come to an end. Doc Cottle had impressed upon him how dangerous it was for her during the break and emphasized how much she needed to begin treatment again. Tory was taking care of her while he couldn't and that thought sustained him.
He had no way of knowing that Tory told her former boss she was a Cylon returning to her people. He had no way of anticipating the heavy truth Saul Tigh would share with him as a way of getting the hostages back. His best friend was a Cylon; he could use that once he got past the pain of the knife through his heart at the betrayal he felt and the loss. Oh, there was so much loss, or potential for loss, in his life. It overwhelmed him. Wanting to take away the pain, he drank and hurt himself and Lee promised, when he found him on the floor of his bathroom, to take care of it for him.
He couldn't kill his best friend but Lee could because the man had deeply wounded his father. Lee could flush him out of an airlock, after punching him of course, but then there were others to be found; others to be used as tools of negotiation and he wanted them too. He would flush them all out of the airlock if that would help his father. In the end, having the Cylons got him the release of the hostages and that's what his father wanted most because he needed Laura back. For the life of him, Lee couldn't figure that one out but he'd have the chance soon enough to observe them.
"What don't you know, Bill, hmm?"
The soft voice she used with him. The gentle touch as she moved around him. The way her hand naturally went to rest on his arm. His father's reaction to her presence; the way he smiled at her. He saw a similar expression on her face and Lee finally knew what he was seeing. They were in love. It wasn't just his father who felt it, she did too. It was so obvious to him in that moment. They were happy with each other and they were in love.
With his son present and their mission to find Earth upon them, making love would have to wait. Again. Though he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her, kiss her senseless and take her to his bed to hear her say those words while they were joined as one.
"Take us to Earth," she'd tearfully said after he'd told her to give the command.
It was her faith, her belief that brought them there, so close to Earth. It was she who had made him want it just as much as the rest of them. It was only fitting she give the command. Once the coordinates and everything else had been verified, she reached out and took his hand. Without caring what the crew thought, he wrapped her in his arms and held on tight as she leaned on his shoulder. Lee observed them and his earlier belief was confirmed. They were in love.
When they got to Earth, what they saw only had words of hopelessness coming from her afterwards. The desolation was too much. By the time they returned to Galactica, her words were gone. She'd processed the barren landscape, the broken world, the lost dreams, the inaccurate prophecies, and turned inside herself. As much as he tried he couldn't break through to her heart.
"Don't touch me," she'd cried. "Just go," she'd added and his world fell apart immediately.
Wanting to check on her, he'd gone to her quarters, the quarters she'd insisted he find for her on Galactica to avoid more gossip. The sight before him clenched his heart. She was sitting on the rug, lighting the Scriptures of Pythia on fire. Page by page, she watched it burn. She'd lost hope and, worse yet, faith.
Sitting beside her, he asked about her missed treatment, hoping she'd reschedule it but she didn't want to do that. While she didn't admit she was giving up, he could tell she was or already had. He'd spent so much time since she had whispered those words just wanting to hold her. Now was his chance and so he touched her but she moved his hand away, like it burned her as much as that fire would, and told him not to touch her. She was crying, she was hurting, he knew, but the pain he felt at her words couldn't be softened by that knowledge.
When she told him to go, he felt his heart break. He was losing her and she was still alive. Rising slowly, he took a good long look at her, one last glance. This was not how he pictured things would happen after she said she loved him. The reality was that they were so far from that moment just then. Images of making love and whispering truths were replaced by the heartache he felt at her latest words. Don't touch me. Just go. Those were the words he had left of her.
"Do it," he'd challenged his friend, not realizing he was giving him an understanding of his words, his actions, and thereby ending all chances of getting what he wanted.
The pain he felt couldn't be assuaged with the alcohol this time. As drunk as he was, he still felt it. He still heard her words taunting him. He still loved her with all his heart. His daughter-in-law committing suicide didn't help. He blamed himself for it. He blamed himself for the fighting he saw in the corridors, for the tears people were shedding everywhere on his ship, and for the words spray painted on the walls. Frak Earth.
There was no getting away from the sadness and sense of loss. He knew how to end it and so he headed to his best friend's quarters to make that happen. Adama wanted to die but he couldn't do it himself so he'd gone to Tigh in the hopes he'd make him angry enough to pull the trigger and end it all for him. Fortunately, despite both of their weapons aimed at his head, his friend was smart enough to realize what he was trying to do.
Afterwards, they shared stories they hadn't yet mentioned, despite their thirty years of friendship. In the end, Saul asked him what the hell had gotten into him and he shared what transpired between him and Laura. The pain was palpable as he spoke and Saul shared it. Try as he might, he didn't know how to fix it but he might come up with something if given enough time, he thought. Watching his friend leave for his own quarters, he prayed to the Gods to just let him sleep it off so he didn't try it again, on his own, all alone in the quarters he once shared with his love.
That little weed she pulled should've been a sign of hope amidst the barren landscape but it wasn't, not for her, but she held onto it as if it meant something. She just hadn't figured out what that something was yet.
They had no way of knowing that while all of this was going on throughout Galactica, the President had fully retreated inside her shell. She was shut down to the world and hoping no one was able to get through.
The idea that she had lost Bill crossed her mind but she'd done that to herself. If he was smart, he wouldn't be back, she sighed. How many times could he let her hurt him before he gave up? It wasn't that she wanted him to, she didn't.
The only way she knew to deal with pain was to hide, to cry where no one could see her, and to stay sheltered in place until she felt able to come back out. That was her life. That was how she did things. That was how she'd handle things now too.
Only she'd truly and deeply hurt the man she loved and that made her want to hide more. Hide from the reality that her faith was misplaced, the Scriptures were wrong. Hide from the reality that Earth was a frakked up desolate landscape habitable to no one. Hide from the fact she had told Bill she loved him and then, based on events after that, had broken his heart. Hide from the fact she took the one thing away from him he was so afraid to lose. Her.
She just needed to hide from it all. Because she had caused irreparable damage and she didn't know how to get passed that. Because she hurt and so, to save herself, she just shut down and lay on that rug for the remainder of the night.
[TBC]
A/N3: Thanks for reading!