'This is a snippet of Rachel's thoughts/commentary/inner monologue'
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It was dark. Not just the environment, but the action. What she was doing. Who she was doing. Her mind. Her life. Everything was darkness.
It was the Joker's fault.
Rachel was weak, she couldn't stop. Harvey and Bruce both suspected something was up. She had been colder to Harvey lately, and Bruce noticed something was off with her. He was good at reading people. 'Stupid superhero...'
She couldn't help it, though. He was so different, interesting, dangerous. Her whole life had been about order, success, money. She had followed the rules, been a good person, helped people. It was so boring, sometimes. So when he came, or perhaps a better term would be crashed, into her life she couldn't help but take notice. He was liberating. But ever since the first private encounter with him, the night after Bruce's party, she couldn't help but feel dirty and evil. She had snuck off and found him that night. All she had to do was follow the sirens and flames. At first he was angry she was interrupting but as soon as he realized she wasn't there for trouble he was quite amused. Amusement turned to arousal...and, well, there it was. She'd met up with him several times, and she knew she wasn't going to quit any time soon. She hated herself for it. She let him walk all over her, and she didn't even try to stop it. She just felt worse about it every day. It was eating her up inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her work had suffered, too. She had been using her time at the office to dig up information on him. She ignored the increasing amount of paperwork that was building up on her desk. She also had to deal with the odd looks Harvey would give her when he'd bring up a case and she didn't know a thing about it. She tried to live her life like before, but she couldn't. Every time she'd start working something would trigger a memory of him and she'd completely go blank, his image swimming in her mind constantly. She caught herself changing certain actions, wearing different clothes, responding differently to people, in case he was watching. Because she knew...he was always watching. 'Like a homicidal Santa Claus' she thought with a smirk.
She was changing and people were taking notice. She didn't feel like Rachel anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She was worried about herself. She had to stop. She was becoming numb to the reports on TV about his murders, like they were saying some team lost a championship. She barely cared if he blew up a school anymore. She just worried if he'd make it out of it okay and hope he'd visit her that night. She was slipping, and she knew it. She was going crazy. She almost saw the humor in his actions, like he'd always claimed was there. The little voice in her mind would giggle at his actions, sometimes, while her outer shell showed (forced) hatred and disapproval. She had to stop before she was completely gone or she'd never be okay again. But she didn't think she was strong enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day before they had a planned meet up she'd prepare a speech. She'd tell him off, say this was the last time. It was a goodbye. That she just needed one more time for closure, or some other excuse. He'd laugh that haunting way and say "Sure it is, beautiful" and leave swiftly, disappearing into the night to do only God knows what.
But she'd always go hunt him down again within a week, and he'd smile and say "I was expecting you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Authors Notes: So there we go. Another Rachel/Joker fic. Kinda one sided, at least emotionally, but still. No flames, please. Oh, yeah. And I don't own Rachel, Harvey, Bruce/Batman, the song Addicted by Kelly Clarkson, or the Joker. Although I wish I -did- own Joker... ;)
UPDATE: Okay, so I never clicked on this after I uploaded it to check how it looked, and then someone pointed out something so I check it out and dang, this sotry was screwy. The formatting didn't stay when I uploaded it, so it was all over the place. It looked terrible and probably read way worse.
Sorry :(