~~Better~~
"What did you do?"
"Dull."
"No, you moron. Your thumb! You're bleeding all over the files!"
"There are shards of glass at my feet and three quarters of a jagged slide embedded in the wall."
"Okay…"
"You are well aware of our need to repair the microscope. I could not retrieve the slide without force, it broke under pressure, and I either lacerated my thumb in the process of removal, or while hurling the remnant with enough force to lodge itself through drywall. Obviously."
"Oh. Yes. Of course. Obviously. And may I ask what you were viewing on that slide, or am I going to get another patronizing response?"
"Bacteria. Fairly large concentration. I was identifying it in order to match it to whichever body of water our victim was drowned."
"He was found in a Tesco."
"He was drowned in the Thames. You look stunned. Strangely annoyed. I expected applause."
"Where's the med kit?"
"Tedious. The injury is minor."
"And likely infested with bacteria!"
"Under the table leg. It's more useful balancing the table's surface. The flooring hasn't been level since the anvil incident."
"Hell, Sherlock, couldn't you have used a book like any normal person?"
"Of the books in my possession, there is not a one of adequate size, nor is there a publication less useful than that sad excuse for a medical kit. The medical kit's purpose is to temporarily and efficiently treat a minor imperfection. My logic is sound."
"Right. Well, I'll be upending the table, then."
"Mind the tray, I'm examining the injuries rendered by fire ants to the sclera of human eyes."
"Wonderful. I'm propping the table with bits of cardboard and empty nicotine patch boxes. And that's done. Hold out your hand."
"This is completely unnecessary – Did you have to use iodine?"
"Stings, does it? Good. It's working. I have two plasters. Hello Kitty or My Little Pony?"
"Neither."
"My Little Pony it is. Hold still, would you? There…"
"…"
"…"
"Did you just kiss my injury?"
"Shit. Shit. Sherlock, I… it's a conditioned response. From childhood. Mum kissing things better. Fights with Harry that I was told to kiss better, bruises or not…"
"No wonder you have such popular rapport with your patients."
"It's not like that! Just with people I…"
"What?"
"I don't know. Have an attachment."
"…"
"…"
"I seem to have injured my coccyx. I also may have caused some strain to the gluteus maximus…"
"I – I am not kissing your arse!"
"Worth the attempt. Now, we need to visit the morgue. Get your coat."
"I have a date tonight…"
"You likely have had more intimacy with my thumb tonight than you will have on your encounter with whomever will be spending your paycheck, so…"
"Fine. I get it. Let's go."