You move around the kitchen of your shared apartment waiting for your best friend to come home, washing and drying the dishes before putting them away. You made her favorite because tonight is the night you'll tell her that you're in love with her. You smile widely thinking of her beautiful face, alluring voice, and stormy eyes. You think of how her entire face lights up when she talks about music, a mix she's working on, or when you say something she finds amusing. And it makes you feel so good knowing you're the cause of her happiness. She's your whole world and she doesn't even know it, but she will.
You quickly check on dinner in the oven to make sure it's not burning since she's running a little late. The chicken parmigiana looks perfect and smells divine. The pasta is ready to be boiled as soon as she walks through the door. The garlic bread is waiting in the toaster oven. Your grin is so wide thinking about her reaction that your face kind of hurts but you don't care because you love her and you're at least ninety-eight percent sure that she loves you too. You've seen the way she looks at you. The way she licks her lips and her eyes are drawn to your chest, backside, or eyes. She always says she loves your eyes.
You go back to drying dishes and putting them away while setting the table where there are candles and flowers. You smile. She'll make a big deal about it because it screams chick flick but you know secretly that she'll love it. She will absolutely love it because it's you and you can always seems to get away with everything when it comes to her. She hates movies but she watches them with you. She refuses to cuddle with anyone else. She tries to play it off that it's you who initiates it but you've caught her many times leaning into your body and you simply close the gap. She comes to you when she's upset, happy, or excited. You're always the first to know about anything with the exception of her internship, which was incredibly silly of her to think you'd be mad at her for doing. You are so proud of her that your chest swells. She's come so far since she was a freshman in more ways than one. Her mixes are flawless, her voice powerful, and she actually talks about her feelings now. She's not nearly as awkward and has even started taking more risks in the fashion department. She wears tight short skirts now that she'd never have even bothered with years ago. You'd like to think you had something to do with that.
When your phone rings, it startles you out of your musings of all the things you adore about your best friend. You look at it with confusion. Why would Jesse be calling you? And why do you have a bunch of missed calls? "Hello?"
"Chloe! Chloe, thank god! We've all been trying to call you for hours."
"Yeah I just saw, I'm sorry I made chicken parm for Beca and was cleaning up."
"Oh God."
You hear him choke and then sob. What the hell is going on that has him inconsolable? "Jesse?" You wish you could shake him. "Jesse!? What is it? Is it Aubrey?" He needs to calm down. "Jesse!?" You shout because he hasn't answered you and you are worried. Aubrey is all you can think about. They started dating about a year ago shortly after he broke up with Beca. Apparently, he had a huge crush on her but was always too afraid to approach the intimidating blonde. Her favorite brunette had told her and she basically told Aubrey he liked her and the blonde took matters into her own hands. Speaking of Beca, where was she? Jesse was barely breathing through his tears and you're getting frustrated. "Jesse!?"
You hear a shuffling and then a soft female voice, rough and laden with regret. "Chlo?"
"Bree? What the hell is going on?"
"I-" she takes a calming breath. You've heard it before. It's the same deep breath she takes before she goes on stage and her nerves are a mess. "Chloe, I'm so sorry." You feel your stomach drop and bile rise in the back of your throat. You know what Aubrey being on the phone means coupled with the fact Jesse can't stop sobbing. "It's Beca..."
Your free hand reaches out for purchase but all you do is pull the towel you were using and the dish that was in it clatters to the ground. You hear a shrill scream knowing in your mind somewhere that it came from your mouth. You hear something about the blonde being at your apartment as soon as she can before you fling the phone like it burned you. It slams against the wall and lands on the floor with a thud. The screen is probably shattered but you barely register that you'll need to replace it now as you clutch your chest. It hurts so fucking much you can hardly breathe and you think this must be what a broken heart feels like. Then anger, red and hot like molten lava, boils up to the surface and you grab the nearest item. Your fingers wrap around a wine goblet and you throw it at the same wall your phone left a slight dent in. And you just keep grabbing anything that's remotely within your reach and it meets the same fate until there's nothing left for you to chuck at the wall.
You look around at the mess and scream before dropping to your knees. Your fists pound the floor once, twice, before you cover your face with them. Tears pour from your eyes and sobs wrack through your entire body. Somewhere in the recesses of your mind you hear the door open and close. Arms wrap around you and pull you into a warm embrace. Hands caress your back and head as kisses are pressed against your temple. Aubrey let's you cry for a few more minutes before she insists you get up. You need to go to the hospital. You need to know what happened and if she'll make it. The thought turns your stomach sour and you rush to the bathroom to empty the contents into the toilet.
Aubrey holds your hair back, cleans you up, and then walks you to her car and helps you get in. She has to buckle you because you can't seem to do anything other than stare out the windshield. What if Beca's dead? The thought is enough to make a strangled sob leave your lips. You clutch at your sweater; it's too tight. It's suffocating you. You all but rip it away. Aubrey glances at you with a sympathetic look and you stare out the side window as the car starts to move.
The twenty minute ride to the hospital is deathly quiet. You try to not think about anything. You don't know what happened or if she's okay. No one has told you yet and if Aubrey or Jesse knew you'd know too. Everyone is in the dark but you're absolutely terrified of the worst. Aubrey pulls into the hospital parking lot and you stare at the doors when she parks. Part of you can't move because behind those doors are answers and you aren't sure you're ready for them. Your blonde friend opens your door and unbuckles you. She doesn't ask if your ready, she just takes your right hand and tugs firmly to propel you into moving.
You stare at your shoes as you walk. Fear grips your heart tight and won't let go. Aubrey stops and turns to you. She squeezes your hand. "Whatever happens, you're not alone," she says with a small half smile. Deep down you know that they'll all be here for you should the worst happen but you also know none of them will understand how you feel. Beca isn't just your best friend. She is the air you breathe, the sun that warms your skin, the light in your dark. She's everything. You take a deep breath and find yourself nodding that you're ready even though you aren't. You're not sure you could ever be ready.
The waiting room is pretty full but you spot Warren Mitchell immediately. His shoulders are haunched and his face is drawn into a frown. A woman, you assume is the stepmonster Beca refers to, is sitting next to him with her hand held tightly in his and her other hand laying on top. She's a classic kind of pretty like Ingrid Bergman. Jesse is on his other side and Aubrey makes her way to him leaving you to look at the four of them. It comforts you that they're not sobbing their eyes out as you slowly join them. You take the seat across from Warren. He looks at you with a look that you can't describe. Is it pity? Or sympathy? You can't tell. You decide on sympathy because nearly everyone who sees you interact with Beca is aware of your feelings for the petite girl. The stepmonster, Shiela, if you remember correctly, gets up and pats your shoulder. She leaves and no one moves. It's silent and slightly awkward so you advert your eyes. Slowly, tears start rolling down your full cheeks. She comes back with coffees for everyone.
"She was hit by a car, unfortunately they haven't told us much else, just that she needed surgery right away or she might lose both her legs. The intern will be out to update us in about an hour on what's going on."
"Well, the fact that they're still in there means something, right?" Warren gives you a tight smile and stiff nod at your observation. Shiela squeezes your hand and takes up her prior position next to Beca's dad. "We should call the girls," you say to no one in particular but Aubrey is nodding in agreement and already digging her phone out. She probably saw yours in the mess you left. You need to do something so you ask Warren for his and help your blonde friend. Jesse offers to call the guys and before you know it the room is full of Trebles and Bellas all concerned for the former captain.
Once the calls are made, you can't seem to sit still, so you pace the floor. It's only when your mother is standing in front of you, that you stop. Confusion and relief battle inside your chest at seeing the older redhead. She has you gathered into her arms quickly and over her shoulder you can see Aubrey's eyes through your blurry vision. She's the one who called her and you're grateful. She seems to know exactly what you need, a good old fashioned mom hug and your mom doesn't let go even after you've sat down. You feel safe and warm in her embrace so you shut your eyes and wait as silent tears track down your cheeks.
Hours later, you're gently shaken awake. The doctors have finally finished and Beca is stable for now. "While we were operating there was a bleed in her brain, we managed to get to it but only time will tell if there will be any deficits. We'll know more when she wakes up. As for her leg injuries, we were able to save one of the legs by inserting a metal rod and replacing the bone. Unfortunately, the right leg had to be amputated above the knee. There was just too much nerve damage from her being exposed to the elements for so long." He explains. You try to comprehend it nodding along with everyone else. You still don't know what happened and you're not sure you want to know. Beca is alive but her recovery will be long and hard.
"Can we see her?" You ask standing immediately ready to move upon hearing him say yes, but he doesn't.
"Just family tonight, friends can come during visiting hours tomorrow to see her but one at a time."
You sigh knowing that even though to you she's more than a friend that's still the category you fit into. You wrap your arms around your midsection conflicted. You don't want to stay if you can't see her. Hospitals have always freaked you out ever since your grandfather died and your mom understands so she doesn't say anything when you start moving towards the door. Warren stops you and regards you with a warm expression. His gaze never wavers as he says, "I'd like you to stay," and you nod before sitting back down in your mom's embrace. Jesse and Aubrey gather up the Bellas and Trebles get them to leave even though they don't want to.
Warren and Shiela are the first to go into her room while you sit just outside with your mom. The nurses brought extra chairs so you didn't have to sit in the waiting room which you're grateful for. It means you don't have to see the other people who are in the same situation as you or worse. It has always killed you to see anyone cry. Your mom holds your hand until Beca's dad and stepmonster leave and you stand. "We're going to head home, get some rest, and come back in the morning. You're welcome to stay," Warren says softly.
Tears well up in your eyes and you launch yourself at him into a tight hug. "Thank you."
He hugs you back albeit awkwardly but replies with a steady voice. "You're family, Chloe." You take a small step back and look up at him with a small smile. He and Shiela are gone shortly after and you head into Beca's room.
You gasp, entirely startled by all the wires and machines surrounding the girl you love. Her perfect face is covered with cuts and bruises. A bandage covers her left arm while her other is in a sling because of a broken collar bone. Your eyes slowly drift towards the leg that stops halfway down the bed and cover your mouth to stop a strangled sob from escaping. Your mom is there in a second making sure you don't collapse and helps you sit in the chair by her bed. You reach for her hand and intertwine your fingers. You don't know if she can feel you but you need to be connected to her somehow. To feel her.
You're woken up to a loud alarm going off. You stumble backward pushing the chair you were just sitting in out of the path of several nurses and doctors as they rush into Beca's room. Her hand has slipped from your grasp and yours is still outstretched as if it is tethered to her. Your eyes dart to the machines. A flat line, you shake your head. No, this can't be happening! No! They work frantically on her to bring her back as your mom holds you as close to the wall as possible so you're not in their way. Finally, after what seems like hours, she's back and the rhythm is steady.
Your body locks up and your breaths are coming out in short gasps. This is a panic attack. You are having a panic attack because Beca just nearly died. Again. Your mom's arms squeeze around you. She holds you tight, whispering, "it's okay, Beca is okay," over and over until your breathing returns to normal. Your shoulders relax as the air leaves your lungs in a steady breath and you sag against your mom. The panic attack is over but Beca isn't out of the woods yet.
Hours later, you're sitting in the chair with your knees curled up under you and a hand holding onto the petite girl's tightly. You want her to know someone is here. Your mom has gone to get coffee and something for you to eat. Beca's breathing is as steady as the beeping from the machines and it comforts you but you need her to wake up. The first words you've spoken in hours leave your lips softly in a mid range. "There'll be no sunlight if I lose you baby. There'll be no clear skies if I lose you baby and just like the clouds my eyes will do the same. If you walk away, every day it will rain, rain, rain... don't you say goodbye, don't you say goodbye, I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding..." Tears fill your eyes and you can barely get the last couple lines out of the song you just chopped up by Bruno Mars but you think it was fitting. If you loose Beca it will break you. Instead of dwelling on it, you sing songs to her. Songs you think would make her happy or laugh. Songs that tell her how you feel. Because that's all you can do other than wait.
It's one in the afternoon the next day when you wake up. Your mom insists you go home to shower, change, and possibly take a nap but you decline rather vehemently. You want to be here when your best friend wakes up. She then insists you at least take a walk to stretch your limbs, which you agree to because you feel extremely stiff from sleeping in the arm chair by Beca's bed. The walk helps a little but you don't want to be away from your best friend for too long so after a quick jaunt to the cafe for a water and yogurt you head back. Warren and Shiela are back and in Beca's room so you sit in the chair just outside the room.
You hear them talking softly to the doctor and nurses but only catch parts of the conversation. They tell the family that Beca had coded last night but seems to be just fine now. How the woman can be so cavalier about it is beyond you but then again you aren't in the medical field nor do you want to be. You tune out the medical jumbo and concentrate on trying to eat. It's not easy but you manage to eat your yogurt and wash it down. Your mom seems to have been paying attention to what they were discussing because she tells you that they're going to start reducing the medication that is keeping Beca asleep but it will still take time for her to wake up.
A few hours later, someone is handing you a sandwich and you look up to find Shiela standing in front of you. She's smiling slightly and you find you want to know more about her and why Beca seems to hate her so much. So you take the sandwich with your own smile and thanks. After a few bites, you gather up the courage you need. "What's up with you and Beca?" It's not articulate but it's to the point.
She laughs softly at your bluntness. "I like you, Chloe. You're good for Beca," she pauses and takes a bite of her own salad. "Beca was fourteen when her father and I met. Her mom had always had mental health issues and Warren just couldn't handle it on his own anymore. He turned to me for comfort and kind of left her to fend for herself. I did what I could to talk some sense into him. A few years later, he finally had her mom hospitalized and brought Beca to live with us but the damage had been done by then. She blames me for him leaving and she's partially right to do so, but he wasn't there when she needed him most when her mom took her own life and in her eyes I was the cause of that." Shiela sighs. "She's been coming around more recently though, especially since her freshman year in college after she met you."
"Wow, I... she never told me about her mom, just that she was gone."
"She doesn't talk about it and I'm not sure she ever will. But she's been more open and less guarded because of you. You make her better Chloe, so for whatever it's worth, Warren and I are rooting for you," she smiles.
"Thanks," you smile back and the two of you finish eating in silence. Your mom comes back from your apartment with a change of clothes for you and a new phone. She informs you that someone had already cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. "Probably Bree," you tell her taking the clothes. You change quickly and are by Beca's side as Shiela and Warren are heading out. You take her hand after you're comfortable enough and wait.
The next two days pass the same way. Shiela and your mom bring you food and make you walk around. Your mom brings you fresh clothes and water or coffee. Aubrey and Jesse were here yesterday. All of the other Bellas have been here at least once. The Trebles have been in and out too. Today it's raining and it's got you feeling more down than usual as you watch Amy and Stacie talk to Beca from just outside. Shiela brings you soup today and you eat in silence but it's comfortable. Warren shows up shortly after and you wait outside while he and Shiela visit with Beca.
You're absently scrolling through Facebook when you hear your name from lips that have been silent for days. You shake your head. No, you must be dreaming but there it is again. "Chloe..." it comes out in a rough alto that had always given you goosebumps. "I thought I heard her..." the voice sounds disappointed and it breaks your heart so even though it's Warren and Shiela's time with her your on your feet. You can't help it. She needs you. You stop in the door way. The sound and movement cause her to look up and meet your eyes. Those stormy grey eyes lock on to yours and you can feel your vision grow blurry because for the first time in days you can see her eyes and they are the most beautiful thing you think you've ever seen. "Chlo..." she nearly sobs your name because she wasn't dreaming. You were here all along.
"She's been here every hour of every day since they brought you in," you vaguely hear Shiela say.
"You're awake..." you manage to croak out as your voice cracks and you sob loudly. You cover your mouth quickly not wanting her to feel guilty for having you so worried because now you're just so happy she's awake.
Deep relief floods your system. You barely notice Warren and Shiela leave because your eyes never leave the brunette in the hospital bed. Tears are still streaming down your face but they're happy tears because she's okay. Your best friend and girl you love is staring at you. Speaking and looking worried as she waves you over. She wants you to come closer and you all but run to her when you realize. "I'm sorry," she says as you reach her and she takes your hand in her own.
"Don't... I thought I lost you..." you shake your head looking down briefly. When you look back up, her eyes are searching your face. Before you can think about it, you are leaning forward and pressing your lips to hers. It's a chaste kiss with only lips involved but you linger there before pressing more kisses to her cheeks, forehead, and temple. She pulls you gently so that you're sitting in the edge of the bed and it gives you the opportunity to wrap your arms around her carefully avoiding her injuries. "I love you," falls from your lips but the girl in your arms doesn't stiffen. In fact, she sags against you with relief and you realize you were right.
"You smell," she says after some time with a soft laugh even though you can hear in her voice that she's crying. She's trying to deflect. "You really haven't left."
"I couldn't," you respond honestly.
She pulls back just enough for you to see her face. It's serious and her eyes are wide and searching as if she's seeing you for the first time. "I surrender..." she finally says. It confuses you until the four words you've been dying to hear are uttered from her lips. "I love you too."