A/N: Okay, this is one of my longer one-shots, and I'm proud of this one, I had fun writing the fight dialogue. Hope you enjoy it!
Summary: Ron and Hermione are fighting- again. What do they do this time to tick each other off? Switch names.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, related characters, anything else related to Harry Potter, Tarzan, or anything else. I DO own the plot. I celebrate! Cheers
Ron's Name Change
He was tired of it. Ron Weasley was sick and tired of it. He had nothing special. No talents, no skills, no prized possessions, no nothing.
He did have five older brothers and a younger sister, but what good is that? Bill was engaged to a beautiful part Veela, Charlie worked with dragons in a different country, Percy had one of the greatest jobs at the Ministry of Magic, his twin brothers had their thriving joke shop, and Ginny was the only girl who was currently dating Harry Potter.
Ron- he was okay at wizard's chess. He had some awesome friends. He just passed through school with decent grades, but that was only thanks to Hermione. And Hermione- God, did he have a crush on Hermione.
But those little things got him nowhere. He felt he never received any special treatment. Attention was always drawn away from him. It always went to someone else. He never got five seconds of anyone's time.
Well, that was about to change.
"Hey guys," Ron greeted as he entered the Common Room to reveal Hermione, Harry, and Ginny all sitting in chairs in the corner.
"Hi Ron," Hermione said distractedly as she finished up her Transfiguration essay. "Have you started your homework yet?"
"No, not yet, but-"
"Well you had better get started soon!" she said, yet still staying focused on her paper.
"I have something important to say."
"Well, then say it," Ginny said with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Well, I've decided that, uh, after all this time, the name 'Ron' was kind of plain and boring, so-"
"Yeah, like your speech, get to the important part!" Ginny demanded in, yet again, an irked tone.
"Fine," he said, his anger flaring at once, "I've decided to change my name." Hermione finally lifted her head and stared right at him. Harry cocked his eyebrow, and Ginny simply muttered a "What?!"
"Ron- you're insane," Harry said as if that settled the matter.
"Why would you go around changing your name if 'Ron' is perfectly fine?" Ginny asked.
"'Ron' is not perfectly fine!" he declared loudly. "It's a boring name that's short for Ronald, which is just as boring. I'm changing it to- to- to-… um-"
"He didn't even have anything in mind, someone's just craving attention," Ginny shot at him.
"I am not! I've seriously thought about this!"
"And that's exactly why you don't have a new name to replace your old one?"
"I do too have a new name! It's 'Tarzan'!"
Ron had no idea where that had come from. Out of all the names he could have chosen, he chose 'Tarzan'? He had forgotten where he'd even heard it before. It must have come from- Hermione (where else?). She had been talking about a Muggle children's movie, about some monkey man that swang from the trees. He had no idea why his mouth had let him say 'Tarzan'. Out of all the choices, he picked the weirdest one…
"Um, Ron, I think you need help," Hermione said, taking his hand and patting it.
"Don't treat me like I'm some stupid idiot, I-"
"How can we not treat a stupid idiot like a stupid idiot? That's just not right," Ginny said with a smirk.
"Okay, you are really getting on my nerves-" Ron started.
"Look, Ron, I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed, wake up, and say "Good morning, Ron," tomorrow, okay?" Hermione said while standing up.
"Well, you can go to bed, wake up, and say "Good morning," um…"
"Oh no, don't tell me you're thinking of switching Tarzan?" Harry said in a sarcastic, tone.
"Ron, please, changing your name is just stupid, your mother knew what she was doing when she named you," Hermione said curtly.
Ron was starting to get annoyed. He was doing something he wanted to, and they weren't going to support him? At all? All they were doing was telling how stupid his idea was. Maybe the name wasn't the best…
Okay, it was terrible.
But they still had to back him up, they were his friends and family! Why wouldn't they let him do something he wanted to for once? No, Ron Weasley would have his say in his new name. He wouldn't let anyone tell him 'no.'
"Well, if you don't like 'Tarzan', then I guess I'll pick a new name."
"Ron, 'Ron' is a good name for you," Harry said, heading towards the stairs.
"Yeah, I mean, what were you going to change it to anyway? It would probably be some other dumb name like Tarzan. Just stick with what you've got, it works," Hermione said, gathering her books and rubbing her eyes. Ron glared at her. Why wouldn't she just let him choose his name? It wasn't like it affected her or anything. Unless…
"I think I've come up with a new name."
"Ron, please, just go to bed and forget about it," Hermione argued.
"But I know you'll like my new name." He smiled in a sort of scary way.
Hermione had a suspicious look about her. "And why is that?"
"I'm changing my name to 'Hermione'."
Everyone stood still for a moment after Ron had made his announcement. Hermione blinked once and whispered a, "What?!"
"That's right. I like it. It's catchy, don't you think so?"
"Ron," she said dangerously with a fierce glare, "I demand that you give me my name back."
"Who said I couldn't take your name? It's a free country!"
"THAT'S AMERICA!"
"Whatever. It's not like two people can't have the same name. It's impossible for a name to be used only once."
"But why are you using my name?! There are much better names out there!"
"But I like it, it's a good name. I think I'll stick with what I've got," he retorted. He flashed her a wicked smile. Hermione, on the other hand, looked ready to blow up. Two could play at that game…
"Well, then if you can change your name, so can I!"
"Oh?" Ron asked. "And what's your name gonna be now?"
"'Ronald'," she stated with an air of confidence. "'Ron' for short."
"What?! You can't steal my name!"
"You stole 'Hermione'. Why can't I steal 'Ron'?"
"Because it's my name!"
"Oh no it's not, Hermione," the real Hermione said with an evil grin.
"Okay, I see what you're doing. You're trying to trick me!"
"How?" asked Ginny, stepping on the bottom step, sounding confused.
"I dunno!" Ron declared. He pointed towards Hermione. "But it's not going to work. I'm not caving."
"Well neither am I!" Hermione shouted.
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
Ron pushed past Harry and stormed up to his dormitory. Hermione did likewise with Ginny. Harry and Ginny stood there, thinking about what they had just witnessed.
"So," said Harry, "this should be interesting."
Harry jogged down the stairs into the common room the next morning. He looked up and saw Ron sitting in a chair, staring at the fire and looking smug.
"'Morning, Ron."
Ron didn't answer.
"Um, Ron, hello? I was talking to you."
No reply.
"Are you okay? Can you hear me?"
Ron remained silent. Harry shook his shoulders and asked, "What's wrong with you?!"
Ron shoved him off and said, "If you're looking for Ron, she's over there," he declared, pointing towards the corner where Ginny and Hermione sat at a table talking.
"Oh no…" Harry mumbled.
"I will only answer to the name Hermione."
"Ron-"
"Ahem?"
"You've got to be joking."
"But I'm not."
"Fine…" He began to wring his hands. "Uh, Hermione-"
"Yes, Harry?"
"Okay, now don't tell me that wasn't awkward!"
"Did you have a question for me, or were you just trying to bug me?"
"I'm going to talk to Hermione!"
"You just were, that's me."
"Then I'm going to talk to Ron!"
"Good, you understand now."
Harry sighed a frustrated sigh and marched over to the corner and joined the conversation with Ginny and Hermione (or Ron, rather).
"Hi Harry," Ginny said with a smile.
"Hi Gin, 'Mione-"
"Don't you mean Ron?" Hermione inquired.
"Not you too!" Harry moaned.
"Not me too what?" Hermione asked.
"Ron was just-"
"What was I just doing?"
"I mean the real Ron!"
"So you mean Hermione?"
"No, I mean Ron Weasley, over there, by the fire."
"Well, there isn't a 'Ron Weasley' anymore. That's Hermione Weasley, I'm Ronald Granger."
"You've got to be kidding me-"
"But I'm not."
Harry cupped his ears and slammed his head against the wall.
"YOU- OW- TWO- ARE- DRIVE- OW- ING- ME- IN- SANE!!"
"Harry, don't do that, you'll hurt your brain," Hermione said.
"What's left of my brain after you two drove me into insanity?!"
"I say we all go to breakfast, my treat," Ginny said nervously.
"What are you talking about? We get breakfast free here, Gin."
"You just had to point it out, didn't you, Ron?" Ginny asked Hermione.
Harry formed a frown. "Ginny, don't tell me you're giving into them!"
"What else is there that we can do?" She leaned in closer towards his ear and whispered, "They'll give it up in a day or two anyway."
Harry smiled, realizing that she was right and that he had nothing to worry about. He should have realized it would be over soon.
The three of them walked past Ron (the real Ron) and headed towards the portrait hole. He stood up and called out, "Oi Granger!"
The three of them all turned around, Hermione looking ready to kill, Harry and Ginny sensing trouble brewing.
"So Her- Ron, you think you can just turn all my friends against me then, do you?"
Hermione (the real Hermione) walked up closer to him. She poked him in the chest and said, "Look- you stay away from me, and I'll stay away from you, got it?" They glared at each other before they both headed for the portrait hole- at the same time.
Ron (the original) tried to get there before Hermione (numero uno), but she beat him by a hair. Then he ran into her as she started to open the door and she was slammed against the entrance, her body undergoing a crushing feeling. Ron bounced off of her and fell over, Hermione falling on top of him. He pushed her off and she fell over, landing face-side up on her elbows with a fresh new glare.
She grabbed his robes as he began to open the door and pulled him backwards. He stumbled as he was pushed back and grabbed Hermione's wrist before she could leap out of the hole.
"What are you doing to me, you freak?!" Hermione shouted.
"I could ask you the same thing!"
"Leave me alone!"
"I was trying to until you pushed me over!"
"When did I push you over?!"
"Don't play dumb, it was just now!"
"You're just eager to blame me for everything, aren't you?!"
"Why don't you go swallow a book or something? You practically inhale them-"
"Yeah, like you and your food-"
"JUST STOP!" Harry shouted, over them. "You two are acting incredibly stupid, you know that?! You're both mad! Just shut up and forgive each other!"
Ron and Hermione looked at each other. But they weren't looking- they were glaring.
"No," they said in perfect unison.
Harry sighed and climbed out of the portrait hole with Ginny right behind him. The couple could hear their friends screaming out of the portrait hole all the way down the stairs.
"They'll get over it soon, don't worry, Harry."
"I'm sorry, Gin, it's just- they seem worse than usual."
"It's probably worse because of the war. Everything seems worse in times of war."
"You're right, I better just shut up and be happy it's not me calling myself Hermione."
"Yeah…"
"Well, I guess we'll get breakfast, then…"
"Yeah, I guess-"
They heard a very loud "ow" from all the way up on the seventh floor. They could only guess who that was.
It only got worse from there. Ron and Hermione were both very determined to… Harry didn't know what exactly, but he knew it was something stupid. The three of them were headed to the greenhouses for Herbology, Harry standing in the middle.
Ron hung back a few paces and shoved Hermione's shoulder. She staggered to the side and pushed him back as he caught up with Harry. The two were soon running and shoving and shouting angrily. It may have looked amusing from a distance- it was anything but.
By the time they had finally reached their class, Hermione had mud all over her face and Ron tried to wipe off his back. Harry sat between his friends during the next hour and endured the two of them throwing roots and dirt clots back and forth, some inevitably hitting him.
Then there was Potions- double Potions, to be precise. Harry sat down between his bickering friends again. Professor Slughorn waddled into the classroom and pulled out his wand. Instructions appeared under the heading "Healing Potions," and Professor Slughorn began to explain.
"Now, who can name a Healing potion? Anyone? Ah yes, Hermione, do you have an answer?"
"No Professor, I wasn't raising my hand," Ron said.
Slughorn gave him a suspicious look. "And that is why I called on Miss Granger."
"Well, my name is Ron, and his name is Hermione," Hermione explained.
"But that isn't what my records tell me. Just stop the joke now, it was funny for a little while, and that's that."
"But this isn't a joke, Professor Slughorn, my name is Ron now."
"If both of you don't stop, you will hear from your Head of House about this! Now, Hermione, please, name a Healing potion, any potion at all."
They stuck to their story. "Professor, I know of an example," Hermione said, waving her hand back and forth.
"Miss Granger, if I remember correctly, I just called on you, so yes, I would like to hear your answer."
"Well, um, actually, Professor, you called on Hermione, and I'm Ron, so you would actually need to call the name 'Ron' to hear my answer, because I'm Ron, not Hermione."
"Look," Slughorn said, getting inches closer to Hermione's face. "I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but I suggest that you quit messing with my head, because I do not appreciate it at all. Both of you will receive detention with me this week. Next time think about the punishments you'll receive." He walked to the front of the room and said, "Now, Ron, please, name a Healing potion."
"Well, let me think, there are so many, there's the-" Hermione began to ramble. Slughorn put his hand up.
"Miss Granger, I do not believe that I called on you to speak!"
"But you did, you said 'Ron'-"
"Mr. Weasley, will you please accompany your partner-in-crime to the Headmaster's office?"
Hermione froze. "What?! I can't go to Dumbledore's office! I haven't done anything wrong! I was only called on in class! You can't do this to me!"
"Miss Granger, Mr. Weasley, I suggest you start moving, you've wasted enough class time, and I expect you'll be back in time to complete your assignment. Now go."
Hermione walked away in a dazed state, Ron stormed out of the room. As the door closed behind the duet, the whole class could hear Hermione crying as she walked up the stone steps. Harry sighed and hit his head against the desk once.
But then he had a thought. What if this was the end of it all? What if it was finally going to be over? He perked up a bit and copied the notes from the board. He moved quickly through making the potion (with some help from the Prince) and was ready to turn in his work before anyone else in the class. This day was looking up.
Hermione sat teary-eyed in the Great Hall after Potions, her head leaning on Ginny's shoulder. Harry was sitting across from them, and Ron was in his dorm.
"What did I do wrong?" she asked, her voice strained from all the crying she had done. "I was only called on in class, Ginny, what did I do?"
"Hermione, calm down, it's alright-"
"You mean Ron?"
"Yeah, whatever, but Ron said that-"
"You mean Hermione?"
"Sure, but he said Dumbledore was really easy on you, why are you so worried?"
"Because! This ruins my reputation!"
"Hermi-"
"Ron?"
"Okay, that is getting really annoying."
"What?"
"This name thing, why don't you just switch it back? It just feels so much more- normal. Please, Ron, Hermione, whoever, please?" Ginny implored.
Hermione thought about it for a second. "No. I'm not giving in if he's not."
"Hermione, come on! This isn't fair to us! It's really confusing!"
"Hermione, please, switch it back, for our sanity," Harry begged.
"No."
"Well, I've got to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back," Ginny said. She looked at Harry and gave him a "meet-me-there-now" look.
"Sorry, um, Ron, but I have to get something really quick, I'll be back in just a second." He got up and followed Ginny out of the Hall. They met outside the bathrooms and Ginny instantly began a conversation.
"Intervention, tonight, in front of the fireplace in the common room. I didn't want to have to do this, but it's come down to that. They're insane."
"Tell me about it. They were acting so stupid in Potions class. They're both nutters! They need help."
"So I'll get Hermione, and you'll get Ron?"
"Which Ron?" Harry asked with a smirk.
"No, just stop! Please! I can't take it anymore!"
"Alright, alright! I'm sorry! I was just kidding. Well, I guess we should go in one at a time so she doesn't suspect anything."
"I guess I'll go first. See you in a few seconds." Ginny reentered the Great Hall. Harry waited a minute or two and saw Ron coming down the stairs.
"Hey Ron, did you get your afternoon class books?" Harry asked.
"Yes…" Ron looked at Harry suspiciously. "Why are you so cheerful?"
"Am I not entitled to the right of smiling?"
"Whatever, and you called me 'Ron', you should know by now that it's 'Hermione'."
"Well, I'm going to finish up my lunch, so you can come sit with me and Ginny if you want."
"Sure, I'm pretty hungry anyway." The two boys sat down across from Hermione and Ginny, who were finishing up.
"Hi Ron," Ginny said as her brother sat down.
"Hermione," he corrected.
"Okay, Ron, Hermione, we need to talk to you guys. Here's the truth: you're getting really annoying with the whole name thing. Will you two quit fighting and give it up already?" Ginny looked expectantly between the two of them. They were glaring, and seconds later they were screaming their hearts out.
"You're such a brute, you know that?"
"Better a brute than a bookworm!"
"At least I'm smart!"
"At least I have manageable hair!"
"Oh, you did not go to my hair!"
"So what if I did?"
"Then you're getting this!' Hermione punched him in the shoulder.
"OW!" Ron screamed. "You punch like a guy!"
"And you look like a girl," she responded.
"That's it!" Ron shouted. He got out a piece of parchment, a quill and some ink and began to write a letter. "'Dear Mum and Dad- How are you? I'm fine, Ginny's fine, school's going okay. My life is just wonderful right now. Harry's doing well, we're all okay here…'"
Ron went on to write a long note, not bothering to read it all aloud. But he made sure that Hermione heard the very ending.
"'Hope you all are well at home, tell Fleur (and Bill) that I say, "Hi." See you soon on break! With lots of love, your favorite son, Hermione."
Ron looked up at his classmate. If her glare could kill, he'd be deader than dead.
"You're such a low, lousy prat, you know that? I hope you're pleased with yourself, but I bet you'll never send it." Ron smiled.
"I think I'll head up to the Owlrey during my break period. Mum and dad love hearing from me." Hermione stomped away to her next class, Ancient Runes, leaving Harry and Ron to their break. The two Gryffindors headed up the steps and sat around the fireplace in the common room.
"Ron-"
"Hermione?"
"Hermione- why don't you just give it up?" Harry asked.
"Because I'm not going to be the one who gives in! I'm not giving up."
"Come on, please quit!"
"I'm going up to the Owlrey right now, see you later, Harry." He got up and left the common room without another word.
"Ginny, this isn't fair, let me go," Hermione argued as Ginny Bound her to the couch with a jinx. Ron was putting up the same struggle.
"You two might as well give it up, there's no way you're getting out of our little talk," Harry said. Hermione quit struggling and Ron stopped after a while as well.
"Now, we are demanding that you two forgive each other. Go ahead, go on, say it," Ginny prompted. The two friends looked at each other.
"No," they said together.
"Oh come on, why not?" Harry yelled.
"Because we'll handle it our way, now let us go," Hermione said.
"Let me just ask you this: Why are you two fighting?"
The two of them thought about it. Why were they fighting? They didn't even know anymore. It seemed stupid and useless now. How had this fight even occurred? They looked at each other again. Ron smiled, and Hermione smiled back.
"I'm sorry, Ron, I shouldn't have done…. whatever I did."
"I'm sorry too, Hermione, I shouldn't have done…. whatever I did either. Forgive me?"
"Of course."
"Thanks, guys, Harry and I can now think properly again."
"I have two more questions," Hermione said.
"Okay, what?" Harry asked.
"First of all, can you guys let us off the couch?"
"Oh, sorry," Ginny said. The two of them were up and moving around again with a wave of her wand. They smiled at each other. It felt good to be friends again.
"What was you other question?" Harry asked.
"Oh yeah- Ron, did you ever send that letter?" Hermione asked.
Ron thought about it. He had decided against it, hadn't he?
Then he remembered.
He hated himself.
Mrs.Weasley read the letter again. She was still confused…
"Arthur! Arthur, come here."
"What is it, Molly?"
"This is very odd… We got a letter from- Hermione. But she says she's our son, I'm so confused."
"Let me see this," Mr. Weasley said. He took the letter and read through it, and sure enough, at the very end it clearly read, "Your favorite son, Hermione."
"I have no idea what this is all about, the girl thinks she's our son! What are we supposed to do?" Mrs. Weasley demanded.
"Well, I don't know, how often do people get into situations like this?"
"I always thought the girl was a bit mental, but never like this-"
"Molly!"
"Don't tell me you've never thought that all the nuts and bolts in that girl's head aren't screwed in right, Arthur."
"No, I have not. Hermione is a very nice girl and she's very intelligent."
"And that's why she wrote a letter to us stating she was our son?"
"Sure. Good night, Molly, see you in the morning." He walked upstairs and left Mrs. Weasley by herself in the kitchen to contemplate the strange letter she had received.
"I don't know what Ron sees in this girl, but it's probably her influence that's made him so dull," she muttered to herself while turning out the light and locking the door.
"But maybe he's making her smarter, who knows?"
.:)THE END(:.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed this random, yet entertaining fanfic by yours truly:
StorsesHaveHalls