AN: So this happened. I guess you can say I got the idea from all-things-tmnt's story What If. That plus listening to Hymn for the Missing (which goes great with this) by Red.
I'm not going to lie I cried a little writing this.
Disclaimer I own nothing but the pain I wrote.
"Leo you dork, you scared the heck out of us!"
I wanted to say those words so many times it hurt to even think them. Instead all I got to say was the truth he would never hear.
"I gave him nothing but a hard time. If I had it to do over again, I'd definitely be nicer."
We waited in the escape pod until the Coast Guard appeared to investigate, even then we didn't leave the pier until dark. Mikey was in shock the whole time, he sat at the end of the dock staring out at the river saying to himself," Leo made it out. He always makes it. He just can't find us. That's it. It has to be it."
Donnie and I had come to the realization that Leo wasn't coming back… that he was gone. No matter how many times we tried to tell Mikey he told us we were wrong. It had taken April, who had been beside him for the most part of the day, crying off and on, to finally get him to head home.
The walk home was the hardest by far. April walked ahead of all of us; she said she wanted some time. I was in the middle, fighting off tears; the guys needed me to stay strong, right? I would glance back anytime that Mikey's sobs grew louder.
Donnie had one arm around him whispering something in his ear that, I hoped, would calm him down. When we made it to the Lair, April ran right to her dad and broke down. Splinter was meditating on the ledge overlooking the water entrance. "My sons," He said rising as we walked in," Where is Leonardo?" Mikey collapsed to the ground in tears, Donnie sank with him.
It was left to me to tell what had happened at TCRI and the Technodrome; by the end Splinter's eyes are glassy as I know mine are. Splinter walks over to Mikey and wraps him in a hug, gently stroking his shell trying to sooth him. I see him mouth something to Donnie who runs off to his lab and quickly returns with a syringe.
"Michelangelo you need rest," Splinter says calmly as Donnie injects the needle into Mikey's arm. Mikey passes out almost instantly. Splinter scoops him up just like he used to do when we were kids and lays him down on the old beanbag. He then looks to the rest of us before leaving towards the dojo.
"He needs time," Mr. O'Neil says. He has managed to calm down April and is leading her towards the turnstiles," You all do." He gently guides April out.
I look over to Donnie who is just kneeling there staring at ground. I walk over, crouch down and place a hand on his shoulder. He raises his head so I can see that he is crying again. I lean forward and wrap my arms around him. He clings tightly to me; face buried into my neck his whole body shaking. I know that he has been keeping together for Mikey's sake, but now he's letting out everything he's held in…..and I don't.
It's been three days now, very little has changed. Splinter hardly ever leaves his room. Donnie busies (distracts) himself in his lab. Mikey's lost that energetic spark I've always known him for and me, well I keep to myself for the most part.
I roll over to my side facing away from the wall. Spike is sleeping, all he ever seems to do nowadays. I glance at the old clock on my wall. It's about lunch time; I should get Mikey and Master Splinter something to eat. I leave my room and wander over to the kitchen; only glancing at Mikey once to see that he is absently flipping through the channels, at least he has finally stopped crying. Granted he probably will again at some point and Donnie will sit with him until he falls asleep, I've never been good at the whole feelings stuff.
I set Splinter's sandwich outside of his door, and gently rap my knuckles on the edge of the frame. "Sensei there's food out here for you," I say aloud. I start to walk off but stopped and said," We need you to talk to us. Mikey needs you….I…please come out." Again nothing not even the sound of movement on the other side of the screen. I've been trying for two days now to get Splinter to come out. Mr. O'Neil said he needed time, but how much time?
I'm back in the living room placing the plate of pizza beside Mikey. "You need to eat," I say offhand.
"Not hungry," he replies.
"Now what happened to the guy that needed two pizzas minimum?" I ask.
"He's gone," Mikey says flatly. I'm not sure which person Mikey is referring to.
"Well whoever is sitting in his spot now needs to eat."
"Just leave me alone Raph."
"Fine, starve yourself for all I care," I snap. I shouldn't have said that. River over stone, that's what Sensei said.
"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Mikey says putting the remote down leaving the TV on Space Heroes, "Then you wouldn't have to deal with me all the time."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I mean," Mikey said rising to his feet," You don't have to deal with someone who's an emotional wreck. Not that you ever do, you leave that to Donnie. You don't feel anything!"
"That's a lie," I growl.
"Is it? Ever since your little 'If I could do it over' thing you haven't said anything else. You act like he…like Leo… never existed. Splinter hasn't been around since we came home. Donnie is either in his lab or with me and all you do is bring me food not saying anything about what happened."
Sometime during Mikey's rant Donnie had come out of his lab," Guys we shouldn't be fighting." I find myself agreeing with what Donnie said. I go to leave and let Mikey cool off, which worked for me, but Mikey grabs my shoulder and spins me back around.
"I'm not through with you," He growls," I want to know what your problem is? Why you act like nothing happened?"
Something snaps, call it pent up emotion or ever present aggression but I'm shouting before I even register what I'm saying. "You want to know?" I roar," I'm trying to cope with the fact that Leo died for us. He died because some of us weren't quick enough to make it to the escape pod before the Kraang caught up. SOME of us had to trip and cause Leo to go back, and that caused the Kraang to catch up. SOMEONE had to leave his Kusarigama in Leo's hand so that he had something to hold Kraang Prime back. SOMEONE held me back when I tried to help him and SOMEONE had to shut the hatch so the pod would leave," I take a small breath not looking at either of my brothers," I'm trying not feel anything so I don't end up hating the only family I have left."
The silence in the room is deafening. I glance up, first at Donnie who looks hurt beyond measure, then to Mikey and I wished I hadn't. He's crying again and looking absolutely heartbroken.
"It's…it's not my fault," he starts.
"Like hell it's not," I snap back. There, I went and swore in front of Mikey," You had to be such a damn klutz that we lost LEO!"
"But I," Mikey starts before I cut him off.
"At least I saved him at TCRI. You two were content to let him FALL," I scream the last word.
Donnie is drawing a now sobbing Mikey into a hug. "Raph that's enough," he says with as little emotion as possible.
I'm still angry; I can practically feel my blood boiling. "So you're on his side now?" I turn and stalk towards the turnstiles. I need to get away, clear my head, and be anywhere but here.
"Raph," Donnie calls out.
"Just leave me alone," I shout jumping," Could you do that one fucking time?" I take off running never looking back.
I'm running across the rooftops not really bothering to see where I'm going. Anytime I stop for a breath I hate where I am. The waterfront (Not there), Murikami's (Nope), the fortune cookie factory, TCRI, Shredder's place, no no no NO! Everywhere I run I see some memory of Leo. It makes me want to scream, so I do.
I destroy anything I can get my hands on; TV antenna, those spinning vent cover things; I even put a few holes in some air conditioners. I've cut myself, I can feel the blood running across my hands, but I like the pain. It keeps me grounded.
"You know people kind of need those," a voice says behind me.
I spin around, sais in my hand in an instant. "Is that so princess?" I growl at Karai. She's sitting on the edge of some billboard looking utterly bored, Foot starting to appear out of the shadows.
"Yep. You'd be surprised the things people need to live nowadays," she says before dropping of the billboard to land a few feet from me. "So where you guys been? None of the patrols have reported any activity." She's got her hand on her hip just smirking at me.
"None of your business bitch," I snap. Her eyes widen a little but her demeanor is unchanged.
"Now Raphael I'm sure your coward of a master has taught you how to treat a lady," the Foot soldiers have me surround. They slowly circle both Karai and I.
"I don't see a lady around," I say looking around. Karai chuckles and draws out her tanto blade.
"I was hoping to cross blades with Leo but you'll do," She says before charging me. I bring my sais up to stop the blade from hitting my head.
"Tough luck princess," I growl throwing her to the left. She lands with a flourish and charges again this time going for my legs. I jump on an air conditioner and spring off so I land behind her. One of the Foots tries to hit me with a mace but I dodge and drop him with a kick to the head.
"What, Leo too coward to face me? Must have picked that up from you master," Karai sneers as I take down two more Foot Clan. I'm on her in a second, stabbing wildly. She dodges the blows with a laughable ease. "What's wrong? Your brother too weak to defend his honor?"
"HE'S DEAD!" I scream. Whatever I said off-balanced Karai. I'm able to land a blow to her leg then deliver a spinning kick to her stomach that launches her back. The soldiers are on me in an instant, attacks coming from all sides. I can't keep them off of me; I hate to admit it but having back up can be a good thing.
"Come on Raph! Keep fighting! 110%," Someone shouts. I falter for a second, who would be cheering me on? With me mind else where I don't see the blow coming, it's a closed fist strike to my face. I stumble back and feel several Foot Clan soldiers grab my arms and force me to my knees.
Karai is standing in front of me, absentmindedly tossing my sais in the air. "You know I feel for you. Now you know what it is like to lose someone close to you," She says sticking the sais back in my belt. She gives me cheek a pat before standing back up and nodding her head. "If you survive I'd like for you to deliver a message to your master. Tell him that Shredder is coming."
They drag me to the edge of the roof; I see the alley about seven stories below me and a four story building. "I hope turtles can fly," Karai says before they throw me off.
Luckily they threw me hard enough that I didn't fall seven stories, I only fell three but I landed on my shoulder hard. As I lay there I try to guess how bad it's hurt. It doesn't feel broken, it might be sprained. Can you sprain a shoulder? I don't think so; I decide to go with dislocated.
I carefully roll off my side and look up at the other building, from the looks of it Karai and the Foot Clan took off. I now drag myself into a sitting position leaning against the roof access door. I closed my eyes as I slowly rubbed my shoulder. "Another triumph. You are really on a roll today," I say to aloud. First my fight with Mikey that I lost, now this. I can't possibly think of any way for it to get better.
I feel someone place there hand on my injured arm and lift it up. They straighten it out saying," Hold still." I realize it's the same voice from earlier. With a quick jab they pop my shoulder back in place relieving me of most of the pain. "That better?"
"Yeah thanks," I say. I'm just staring at the ground, not really looking at the other person.
"So what happen back there? I've seen you take down twice as many Foot Clan Raphael," The persons says.
"My head's just not in it." I sigh.
"That's rich coming from you. I thought you lived to knock people around," the person chuckles.
"Oh would you shut it Lamenardo," I growl…. Wait Lamenardo! I thought the voice was familiar. I snap my head up and see my brother, the one I thought I lost. "Leo… you're...you're alive." I'm on my feet and moving before I finish my sentence. Leo just stands there looking sheepish.
"Hi," he says awkwardly. I wrap him in a tight hug ignoring the protest of my shoulder. I think I'm crying because my body is shaking. Leo returns the hug just as fierce.
"Leo you dork, you scared the heck out of us!" I say loving being able to finally say those words," Where the hell have you been!" I feel Leo stiffen before he pushes us apart.
"Raph I want you to look at me really look at me," He says calmly. I look Leo over twice before I see what he is talking about. He's blue like completely blue; the only comparison is that airbender kid on that show April had us watch. The kid looked the same as Leo every time he went in the spirit world.
"Leo?" I question," Are you…."
"A ghost or something close to that yes," He replies with a small pained smile.
Shock, that's the best word to describe how I feel right now. Then again I'm sure that anyone would feel the same. I'm standing here looking at my brother who is a ghost or something like that. "How?" I ask. The look I get tells me I already know how. So I think to all of the stories I've seen on ghosts. Usually it is unfinished business that keeps them here.
"I wanted to say bye," Leo says flatly," I never really got the chance."
"No kidding," I say sitting on the edge of a rooftop AC.
"You shouldn't blame yourself or anyone for what happened," Leo states as he joins me. "I would have done the same thing for any of you."
I cringed. "You heard my fight with Mikey?"
"I did. Anything you want to talk about?"
I find myself looking at the few stars that can be seen. I'm not good at this heart-to-heart stuff. I can talk to Spike all day long, but he never talks back or calls me out for anything. "Why? I want to know why," I finally say.
Leo lets out a long sigh. "The same reason you tried go back for me, I couldn't, wouldn't let any of you get hurt. It was also something Splinter said before we left to take down TCRI. 'With the world at stake; the only thing of importance Is that you complete your mission. No matter what you have to sacrifice. Or who.' I guess I realized my mission is, has always been, keeping you guys safe. Could we have all made to the escape pod before Kraang Prime caught us? Maybe, but that wasn't a chance I was willing to take."
I hated the fact that Leo's reason was valid and stupidly noble. Now I'm hating myself even more for fighting with Mikey. "What should we do?" I ask crossing my arms.
"Well first you need to make up with Mikey. Families fight, you and I did it enough. You need to let him know how you feel. Don't look at me like that," he says at the wide eyed expression," You know damn well that you block everything out. Remember… oh what did Mikey call him… Lord Gilliam III."
I laugh at the memory of the fish we used to have. We had found this old gold fish swimming in the water in the Lair. Mikey used every ounce of seven year-old charm and begging to convince Splinter to let us keep him. Somehow I ended up taking care of him the most, so when Gilliam died a year later I was the most effected. I probably didn't speak for over a week and put all my time into training.
"Yeah I was off until Splinter gave me Spike," I said," The one pet that might out live me." Leo flinches, I forget that I'm talking to his ghost, however that is possible. "Anything else?"
"Yeah," Leo says getting to his feet," Stick together. You guys need each other more than ever. When one candle is extinguished the other must continue to burn."
"When did you turn into Splinter Junior?" I ask rising.
"I guess it comes with all this," Leo said gesturing to his blue form," This will sound really stupid but I see the universe as a whole and everything in it." He takes a quick step forward and gives me a tight hug. "You take care of them," he whispers in my ear before stepping back. He gives me a small smile and wave saying a quick," Bye" before disappearing.
Once again I'm left alone trying to decide if what I saw was really or just some PTS vision. I'm crying again, I've probably cried more this night than I have since Leo died.
I pause when I realized the I just subconsciously declared Leo dead without any hesitation. Maybe that is why Leo showed up, not to completely dog me about how I've been dealing with Mikey, but to help me accept what happened.
I dry my eyes with the back of my hands, which look to have stopped bleeding at some point, and take a deep breath. There is one last person I need to talk to.
It took me about an hour to find my way back to the Lair. Running around blindly is a great way to get lost it seems. The main area is empty; as I walk towards our rooms I see that Donnie is alone in his lab.
I check Mikey's room and find it empty, the same for the kitchen. So I check the dojo and find Mikey sitting in the middle of the floor with his eyes closed. I hesitate, he could still be mad/hurt from what I said earlier, but I made a promise to Leo that I'd work stuff out.
I clear my throat and take a step towards Mikey. He looks up at me as I approach. Not really sure what to do I sit down in front of him. "Hey," I say awkwardly.
"I'm sorry," Mikey admits," I shouldn't have gotten you all worked up like that."
"I'm the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn't have jumped you like I did," I said quickly," Can we sort of forget about it?"
"Maybe?"
"I'm not good with feelings you know that right? I'd prefer to bottle it up and lock it away, but that causes all kinds of negative effects."
"Like verbal outburst?"
I chuckled. "Yeah that's one way to put it. I shouldn't have said what I said and I'm sorry. I know I can't take back anything I said." Mikey nodded as I spoke. "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Mikey stood up and walked over to the shelf Master Splinter had for his first family. "Maybe talk with me sometimes? Donnie's good and all but sometimes I need someone else."
"Sure," I respond.
"Can you also not forget about him?"
I think back to my talk with Leo on the roof. He hadn't told me to forget him, just to accept that he was gone and not to blame anyone for it. "I don't think that's possible," I say going to stand by Mikey. "Anything else?"
Mikey wraps me in a hug before he speaks "There is one more thing," he says slyly. Mikey pushes me back and throws a water balloon right at my plastron. I'm soaked as it busts.
"Mikey!" I shout before chasing him around the dojo. He run out and into the main area of the Lair.
The chase isn't really meant to be aggressive. It is just a way for us to get back to the norm we lost. I as I run after Mikey I see Donnie leaning against the door of his lab watching, I think I see a smile on his face. "Heads up," Donnie calls.
I look to see Mikey throwing another balloon at me, where does he keep them? I catch this one and throw it back at Mikey who is knocked off his feet. He just lays there laughing, and his laugh is horribly contagious soon Donnie and I are both cracking up.
We're getting better that much is true. We'll never be whole, but a solid 75% is good. Sometimes you have to take what you can get. Accept what has happened and work to move forward.
AN: Sort of a happy ending. There will be more of these. I just have to write them. Reviews welcome.