Matchmaking
Gwaine sighed. "She's perfect, Merlin," he insisted, sharpening his sword on his knee.
Merlin rolled his eyes and continued to shine Arthur's boots. "I'm telling you, Gwaine, I'm not interested."
Gwaine looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me that you would rather sleep alone in your bed, as opposed to sleeping with a beautiful woman?" he asked. His eyes trailed up to the ceiling and closed ever so slightly, and a small smile traced his lips; Merlin had no doubt what he was thinking about and was slightly revolted by the thought of it.
Now it was Merlin's time to sigh. "I said I'm not interested, can we leave it at that?"
This had become a daily routine. The knights (aside from Elyan, who was polite enough to keep his nose out of Merlin's business), when alone with Merlin, offered up lists of ladies that he could possibly woo in his spare time – when he actually had any. Percival and Leon suggested nice, mature women from the lower town, who wore expensive perfumes or beautiful jewelry; Gwaine suggested women who practically lived in the tavern, with carelessness and recklessness flowing through their veins; and Arthur suggested maidservants or castle workers, ideas which he had gotten from Guinevere, who made a habit of going back to the kitchen or laundry rooms from time to time to get details on what single servants were available. All of them were so interested in Merlin's personal love life, which he was annoyed by but didn't tell them so because they all meant no harm. They were just so tired of seeing him so lonely, without a partner to be intimate with.
Except the thing was, he didn't mind being lonely. Not that he was lonely – he had Arthur, of course, whom he saw every day, and the knights, and Guinevere, and Gaius, and a smattering of friends from the lower town, which he didn't see often but had a good time with when he did. He didn't need a woman in his life; he had enough people to worry about, what with the overhanging threat of Arthur being killed by Mordred and Morgana, and he didn't want to have to suffer more losses than he was destined to. He had enough on his plate already that half the time he felt ready to explode.
Not to mention, he liked having all of the room on his bed to himself. He could stretch his legs out as far as he wanted without having to worry about taking up someone else's room or scratching someone's leg with his toenails.
Gwaine frowned. "Why don't you just go out with this woman?" he said firmly. "Is it such a big deal?"
The blue-eyed man shrugged. "I have to get to know people first before becoming interested in them," he said in response. "I don't want to go out with someone blind. I like to know how they work, what they believe in. I have to form a connection first and understand them."
He was close to giving up. "Or you could have fun for a little while," Gwaine offered.
Merlin shook his head. "You know me, Gwaine," he replied. "I'm not good with fun"
Guinevere left the quarters before Arthur awoke and often before Merlin arrived, so the room was almost empty when he showed up in the morning, other than the king snoring away in his bed in the corner of the room. Merlin placed the plate on the dining table and made his way over to the bed, where he looked down at Arthur with an uncomfortable wince. He was not looking forward to waking him up – normally he got a pillow to the face or a smack to the side, and on bad days, which there hadn't been much of lately, he got a mixture of both, followed by a curse word thrown sleepily at him and maybe an additional threat of sword-related injury. However, the queen seemed very happy when Merlin passed by her in the hallways earlier that morning, so maybe it was a good day. Maybe it was a great day. Maybe it wouldn't involve pain at all.
He was wrong, however, as Arthur reached across the bed to fling a pillow at Merlin when he said, "Time to wake up, sire, the kingdom awaits!" Even though mornings had been like this for several years, Merlin was still surprised by the blow and never managed to block it in time. He had been training, though. He sometimes spent boring nights, when Arthur was busy with the counsel, or Guinevere, bewitching pillows to fly at him from the opposite side of his own bedroom and attempting to dodge them – which never actually worked but it was worth to try.
"Merlin," Arthur mumbled into his silken sheets, "I didn't think it was more possible for your voice to get even more annoying, but you have proven me wrong."
"I always do," Merlin replied with a grin, which was rewarded with a second pillow.
After arousing Arthur from his slumber with the smell of fresh meat and cheese, he set out the clean clothes on the king's bed and smiled proudly down at them. Arthur had gotten a rather large red wine stain on his white shirt the other night, and Merlin did not know if he would be able to get it out, but he had ended up succeeding – with a little help from magic, of course. He was always proud when he fixed something that had otherwise been deemed unfixable in Arthur's eyes. Secretly he hoped it would all add up to Arthur one day telling him he was a better servant than he had teased him of being. But that would never happen.
"So, Merlin," Arthur started, leaning back in his chair and tossing his napkin onto the table, "Guinevere and I got to talking last night-"
"Do I want to hear this?" Merlin interrupted. "I don't think I want to hear this."
Arthur shot him a glare and continued as if nothing had happened. "She said that she had heard from her friend in the kitchens that there is a serving girl who is very interesting and good-looking and single."
Merlin had been arranging Arthur's leather, knee-high boots from lightest to darkest colors for the past ten minutes and looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "Sire," he said mockingly, "I thought you and Queen Guinevere were very happy together."
Arthur glared at him once more. "I meant for you, idiot," he replied. "Knowing that you spend your nights talking to Gaius makes me think that, for your well-being and social skills, it might be better for you to have a… comrade. Someone else to spend your nights with…. Someone young and beautiful and interesting and…" This list continued of all the things Arthur thought Guinevere to be, most of which were true, and went on for several moments before Merlin brought him back to his senses with a very loud sigh.
"I don't think my social life is any of your business," the servant said.
Arthur laughed. "You are feeling particularly blunt, today, aren't you Merlin?" he commented.
His reply was a shake of his head and, "I don't need you to offer women to me."
Arthur frowned. "I don't want you to grow old alone, Merlin," he emphasized, his voice free of humor. It was instead filled with sincerity. "I think you should have a woman in your life."
Merlin gave him a smile. "Guinevere is enough women for me, Arthur," he responded.
The king laughed in reply and said, "I'm serious. At least try and find someone you might have a chance with."
Merlin sighed. "Okay," he gave in. "I'll try."
Arthur took a sip of his drink. "Good."
Merlin lied.
He wasn't going to try.
He had given all hope to fall in love after Freya passed away. She was the only person he had ever felt any romantic feelings for. She was beautiful, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and ethereal in his eyes. They had a special connection that he could never recreate with anyone else – he knew that in his heart. The way they related so much to the other's situation, having to hide their magic for their own safety, made them feel so connected to one another, so open, so intimate, and Merlin knew that he would never be able to be so honest with someone ever again. And if he did fall in love, which he guessed to be impossible, he would only feel guilty, because he could never be absolutely, truly himself around that person. And he didn't want to hide a big part of who he was to the person he loved.
Not that he was going to fall in love anyway.
He knew that he was never going to.
Freya was his one true love, and he would never get over the loss.
After training one day and after all of the knights had left the weaponry, Percival and Leon approached Merlin, who was shining Arthur's armor with immense concentration. When they finally managed to nab his attention, he looked to see them both smiling widely, obviously eager to spill what was just resting on the tip of their tongues. And he knew what it was to be about – potential romantic candidates. That he was not interested in and despite saying that numerous times, they were still hoping someone would catch his attention. And again he knew no one would.
"Percival and I have thought of an idea," Leon announced.
"Oh have you now?" Merlin replied.
"How about we all go to the tavern and meet some nice ladies together," Percival said, "so you don't have to go alone, because we all know how awkward you can be around the finer specimen."
Was he awkward around women? He didn't realize. "Thanks, guys," Merlin mumbled, slightly offended.
He could hear Leon smack Percival's arm by the sound of rustling chainmail. "We just mean that we know you would be better if you were with us, because you feel comfortable around us and in turn would be comfortable around a woman or women," Leon explained.
Merlin turned around. "I need to shine Arthur's armor," he told them, "and I need peace to do so."
Percival nodded. "Of course, but-"
"Please."
They nodded and turned to leave.
Finally, Merlin had peace.
Guinevere and Arthur were having dinner together and had let Merlin off of work early. They liked to have nights to themselves, where they laid in bed and cuddled. He knew this for no other reason besides the fact that he had accidentally walked in on them once, much to their embarrassment and Arthur's anger and Merlin's chagrin. If he got let off early he knew he should not go back to the room for anything, and would wait until they were asleep if he needed to sneak back in and grab something he forgot to polish or wash or shine.
Merlin and Gaius dined together, with a meal of peas, bread, and soup. All was quiet during dinner - Merlin had a lot to think about, from his friends' matchmaking efforts to chores he had to get to in the morning before Arthur awoke. Gaius, however, had no presumable reason to be quiet. When he and Merlin talked before dinner and discussed the day's events, he said he had a good day and one of his long-term patients had been healed. Merlin thought he would be normal at dinner and asking questions about his destiny and Arthur and whatnot, but Gaius was silent. He did notice, however, that the old man had been staring at him for quite some time, so he decided to ask what was wrong.
"Gaius?" he began. "Are you feeling alright?"
Gaius nodded. "Of course," he replied. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Merlin chuckled. "Gaius, you have been staring at me for the past five minutes," he said. "Is anything wrong?"
Gaius shook his head. "Merlin," he started, and Merlin knew where this was going.
"Gaius, don't," he said.
"Arthur and the knights have been telling me to tell you that you should get out of the house more often," Gaius informed. "And I agree."
Merlin looked down at his soup. "Gaius, please, don't," he murmured. "Please."
"Even to just go to the tavern for a few hours," Gaius said. "I know that you have been stressed out lately, and I understand completely, but I think it would be good for you."
"I get the interaction I need, thank you, Gaius," Merlin replied. "And they don't want me to just 'get out of the house'; they want me to find a woman to have a relationship with."
Gaius smiled. "And why is that so bad?"
Merlin picked up a piece of carrot and stared at it. "I wouldn't expect you to understand."
Gaius furrowed his eyebrows. "At least explain it to me, Merlin," he sighed. "Please, I want to try and understand."
Merlin looked up. "I don't want to lose someone else," he explained quietly. "I'm destined to lose Arthur to Mordred and I have no idea how to save him. One day I'll lose you. The knights won't live forever, I know that. I tend to lose people who are important to me, or they get hurt, and I can't have that happen to someone else, Gaius." His eyes flickered back to the bowl. "And I will never love someone as much as I loved Freya. No one will ever replace her."
Gaius gave Merlin a wistful smile. "I know, my boy," he said softly. "I'm sorry."
Merlin smiled in return and swiped the tears forming in his eyes. "I'm sorry too, Gaius."
"… And the other servants say she is rather outgoing, which is good for you."
Sun shone through the windows in the king and queen's chambers. Guinevere sat at the dining table, drumming her fingers softly on the wood, staring at the serving boy. Merlin was polishing Arthur's armor, listening to what Gwen was saying and pretending to take it into consideration before deciding on a polite response. She was his queen after all – and not only that, but she was one of his oldest friends, and he did not want to be rude to her. She was just trying to help.
There was a moment of quiet before she spoke again. "Is there a reason why you don't want to be in a relationship, Merlin?" she asked curiously.
He looked up from his spot on the floor. "Yes, milady," he replied.
Guinevere smiled. "Would you care to tell me why?" she inquired. "I will not tell a soul."
Except Arthur, Merlin thought, but did not say out loud. Instead he cleared his throat and said, "I was in love once, with someone." He looked back down at the armor he was polishing and stared at his reflection. "It didn't end well for us. But I feel as if I will never get over her, and I feel like being with someone else would hurt them because it would never feel the same as it felt with her and I would never be truly in love with them and only them."
Guinevere nodded. "I understand, Merlin," she said softly. "I will not tell anyone the reason, but would you like me to tell Arthur and his knights to stop bothering you about it? If he hasn't been listening to you, he will listen to me."
Merlin smiled back at her. "I would like that very much."