Pick Me Up
Roxy Dirk
Broken glass and ripped pages cover the floor as quiet sniffs and sobs echo through the halls. The bottles are mostly empty, save for the one in Roxy's hand. Four months. That's as far as she got before breaking down again. Only four months. What a pathetic waste. Waste of time and energy and hope. Of course it may not have been the best idea to try quitting cold turkey- three months from the anniversary of her mother's death.
Not like it would make a difference now. She failed. And she is officially a disappointment. To her friends, her sister, and her mother. So here she is. Drunk again, with empty and broken bottles around her, and her mother's books- taken from their mint condition state and totally demolished and ripped apart. Whatever.
The ring of the doorbell brings her from her dazed state, to look up. Great now she has to get up- it's probably one of the neighbors coming up to ask about the crashes.
Alright, fine. Roxy stands up and trudges downstairs- broken nose of the bottle still in her hand. She makes her way to the door, opens it, and rubs her eyes.
"Rose ain't home if thas who ya want," she mutters, glaring down at the floor through her fist. "But she should be home soon or somethin you wanna, like, wait? Or come back later…"
No-one was there. The porch was empty apart from Jaspers and the potted geraniums drooping in the July heat. Glowering Roxy began to shut the door, stopping when the piece of paper taped to it caught her eye.
'Feels jam. Now. Roof'
Grabbing it and shutting the door against the painful glare of the late afternoon sun, Roxy sank to the floor. What was Dirk doing here? He and Jake had a date right? Dirk had mentioned that this morning, or was is yesterday? Dammit! Why couldn't she have held on one more day? Just one more!
'Because I'm weak' Roxy thought as she staggered to her feet and across the room to the stairs. 'I'm nothing but a pathetic, disappointment and now Dirk knows that.' There wasn't any question that he knew, Dirk knew everything period.
Finally at the top of the stairs, Roxy reached for the trapdoor that led to the attic, and her often used escape of the roof. It was her sanctuary from everything, and when she and Dirk had become confidantes it had become their haven, their fortress against the world.
Roxy hesitated with her hand on the window latch. What would he do, now that he knew of her utter failure? Of her broken promise to him? Would he leave like Jane? Or would he just ignore it like Rose had always done?
As if hesitating would actually help matters. If she took too long Dirk would just find her and that would be that. Drawing a deep breath Roxy conjured up her best cheery face and opened the window to the roof.
"Wuz amatter D-Stri?!"
The boy is crouching in the centre of the roof. It's impossible to tell where he's looking with his glasses- though it's a given he's looking at Roxy. She can even feel his glare. Yeah. He's disappointed. She might as well just spare him the lecture and jump off the roof now. That'll stop her drinking.
'Just make this quick.'
Her head hurts and she's already getting a little dizzy. Despite that, she wishes she had drunk more. She wishes she could just have passed out and ignored the bell and not woken up.
But she's here and he's here, judging her from behind his shades.
"Hey," he says, his voice uncomfortably calm- no stern tone, no sigh, no emotion besides calm. "So, today...what happened?"
Roxy staggered over to him trying to shield her eyes against the glare of the setting sun. She flopped down, all peppy pretense gone and buried her face in her knees."The anniversry..."
"Was a month ago" Dirk interrupted, still using that steady, dead calm voice, "Dave and I stayed here for a week."
Roxy mutely shook her head, trying to stifle her tears. "I kno, it...it jast..h-hit.. and..." The waterworks were coming full force by now and she shook her head again, throat too blocked to speak.
A hand landed gently on her head.
"I know Rox." Dirk murmured, moving his free arm around her in a sideways hug. "I know"
Roxy remains in her position, keeping her face hidden away from the boy as he hugs her. It's too late to hide, but she still feels ashamed. She can't bring herself to look at him. Even if he's her best friend. So instead Roxy just sits in her spot; squeezing her eyes shut and feeling tears roll down her cheek, falling to the ground.
Dirk keeps quiet for a little while, simply hugging her. Gently brushing his fingers over her arm to comfort her. But even their silence has to come to an end soon. Roxy needs help and that's what Dirk is here for.
"You know, Rox, everyone stumbles," the boy starts, his tone a little more sincere than before. "You ain't perfect."
Roxy takes in a sharp breath, holding it in as she suppresses a sob. Once it passes, she finds her voice, "I din't stumble, I dobe head firsd wiffoudeven tryin'a stop m'self...'m jus a...a...f'kin-" she's cut off by a sob, which inevitably sends her into another silent state, though this one being more due to the quiet sobs that rattle her body in Dirk's embrace.
The hand on her head disappears, and something nudges her arm. "Here, drink."
Roxy looks up to see a large bottle of water and Dirk holding a box of tissues. "Got 'em after I left the note."
Roxy merely nodded and took the bottle, still hiccuping slightly. Dirk started to dry her face "Kinda glad you don't wear mascara, or you'd look like some kind of melting panda."
That earned a small smile.
"Not kidding here Rox, you'd be all melting from your own tear power and only my ironic tissues of awesomeness could fix you. You got some epic skills Rox, use them wisely padawan."
A choked laugh this time.
"What? That's all my comforting prowess is worth? A snort? You wound me Ro-Lal, you cut me real deep just now. Right here." He said dramatically covering his heart.
Roxy giggled and put her own arms around him. "Your the becst Cromfort Prinze I got Drik."
"That does ease the pain just a little bit," Dirk says rubbing her back, "but this ain't about me, it's about you. So-" he pulls away, looking at her through his glasses, "what happened."
Roxy just sniffs and fidgets with a string on her shirt. "I jus..broge down. I guesz. Saw th'drinks n rem'bered the flavour, n thought bout..holdin th'bottle..." She pauses to regain some composure- because Dirk is going to make her talk anyway so she might as well just say it right away.
But Dirk beats her to it and interrupts. "So that was good reason to drop everything you'd worked for and get drunk?"
His tone often does sound incredulous or judgmental, but it's just his way of getting his point across. He's trying to help his friends. Not just comfort them. And sometimes you have to make them uncomfortable or upset in order to get your point across and help them. He assumes Roxy understands that, having known him so long. But then again, she's pretty sozzled right now, and her judgment may be a bit off.
"No!" The defensive tone earns her his patented 'Strider Eyebrow'.
Roxy slumped, "Kinda. I jus... start'd thinking... 'bout her an'...and.." Face in the knees again. "Imm jus weak." She whispered. "A pathetic no-one."
Dirk nudged her arm, "Water." He said nodding at the full bottle she still held. Roxy complied, washing the souring taste of wine from her mouth.
"First of all, you are far from weak. You got four whole months on your first try, and from what I can see you're not quitting. Four months, in a house where it's often just you, Friggilish and Jaspers. That takes more than just some random, half-assed attempt."
Dirk sighed, turning so he faced the red glow of the sun. "Second, do you truly think that this Strider would let himself be calmed and consoled by anyone belonging in the pathetic category? C'mon."
He ran his hand over his face, removing his shades before turning to her.
"Look at me Rox" he murmured. When she did he continued, "You've made sense of my back-shit thought processes for years now. You were the one I needed when Bro, yet again, failed to drop by for Dave's birthday, or a Christmas and I couldn't answer Dave's 'Why?' Without sounding like a giant bag o' douche. I need you Roxy, and cause of that you are very far from ever being a no-one."
His words play through her mind as she watches him in silence. Despite her sloshed condition, surprisingly, the words actually get through and hold some coherent meaning to her. Even though she's still feeling awfully depressed and self-loathing right now...
Because…
Well yeah, she's a good friend to Dirk. DUH. He's her best friend! She loves him more than anyone, next to Rose. Of course she's gonna be there for him and Dave. But by herself? She's nothing. She's just...alone. Alone in a world of alcohol and video games...that's all she can attribute her life to. Getting drunk and playing video games...nothing more. Nothing important. Nothing good. Nothing worth remembering.
Roxy downs a few more sips of the water before lazily dropping it beside her and resting her face in her knees again. It's no use.
'Just let me lie out here and let me wish I didn't exist.'
Dirk, on the other hand, just watches her. His words were genuine and sincere. Why would they be? This was a very honest-to-god serious matter. But Roxy isn't getting it. She's just hearing his words, not understanding their meaning.
"Truely, Rox. You ain't a nobody. If anything, you're probably the most important person in my life...and Dave's..AND Rose's." He scrutinizes her, hoping he's making SOME difference. "And Jane and Jake. You really do keep everyone together. And happy. Without you, I...I'm convinced that at least one of us would be dead." Of course, he's neglecting to say that it was him that she saved. Many times, unknowingly.
"Rose dun car, she jus lefts, lik wif Mom."
Dirk just shook his head. "If Rose didn't care she wouldn't have texted me thirty minutes ago telling me to come over, and she wouldn't be aiming to be a psychologist either."
Roxy flinched, "…Rosie knows?" She whispered.
"Came by earlier, texted me and went to buy more knitting stuff. I think she just doesn't know how to help yet, and so she does nothin so things won't get worse."
Roxy said nothing this time, merely looked at the fading sliver of sun. Dirk sighed, nothing he said now would make a difference. Time for a tactical retreat.
Standing up, he pulled on her arm, "C'mon, you need sleep. We'll finish this later k?" Roxy didn't respond but let herself be pulled to her feet. Grabbing the water bottle and tissues Dirk wrapped an arm around Roxy to help her back through the window into the attic.
He didn't lead her to the trapdoor, it was a rule between them. Until everything had been said, neither one could leave. Roxy had rigged a lock on the door that required both of their handprints to unlock. She told him she'd 'Had enough of his stupid, bottling up, blocking habits', he'd nearly flipped his shit. Had, in fact ignored her for almost a day, before he manned up.
It was a necessary reminder for him at times, old habits die hard and all that. So the next day he'd brought over two sleeping bags, four jugs of water and a jumbo box of beef jerky. When everything had been set up he had parked himself in a corner and torn down as many of his walls as he could, for her. Roxy had done the same for him. Ever since then they'd kept the attic stocked with water, canned food, jerky and Advil, for whenever they needed it.
And it's a good thing they had, Dirk thought as he rolled out the sleeping bags and helped Roxy into hers. As he settled down on his own he pulled out his phone to text Rose.
'All clear, get Dave, clean what you can. Stay at our place.' Switching the phone off, he faced Roxy. "Go to sleep Rox, we'll finish this later."
Nodding slowly Roxy reached out and grabbed his hand with an imploring look. Dirk nodded and lay down next to her just like they did as kids, each watching over the other until their dreams came for them.
Together.