Title: To The Lost
Author: Mana
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: If they were mine, he'd never have left.
Spoilers: Only to episode 10-1 What Now?
Author's Note: A few weeks ago I got a great (or, you know, maybe really horrible) idea for a series of post-eps. Except I hardly had time to write it. I know this is a little late, but I decided to begin writing from the beginning of the season. So I had to refresh my memory a bit about the contents of these early eps. Thanks to coffeeandpie for keeping all the old episode discussions! Sorry if the story's got the wrong tone or something. And also this story was slightly inspired by Carby's journals in Sunni and KenziGal's post-ep series last year. I can only hope my post-eps are half as satisfying as theirs were. Enjoy!
To clarify: the italics aren't showing up properly on FF.net. There is no paragraph of thought inside the letter, just one sentence.
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An hour ago I was in the hospital. With him. Yelling, but together nonetheless. Now where am I? In my apartment, alone. Sitting on my bed which remains mussed from last night—I didn't have the heart to make it after I got my key back. I stare out the window, wishing, yearning, for it to rain again. Tonight is not the night for a clear sky. I try to convince myself I can't think, I can't move, but I fail. I can think, I can move, but I only think of him. Only move towards him.
"This is ridiculous!" My own moan takes me by surprise and I find my forehead pressed hard against my palms. I can't just sit here all night.
The bedsprings creak as I slowly rise, making my way towards the living room. I settle on the cushion of my desk chair, flick on a lamp. Pulling out a clean sheet of paper, I know what I'm about to do. I do not, however, know why my brain keeps telling me I must do it.
Dear John,
I write to you not in apology but in rage. You jerk! So sorry, you don't deserve to bear the brunt of this mood I'm in right now. Except for it's all because of you. Maybe I wouldn't be so upset if today hadn't been such a long day. If you hadn't come back and left all at once, and if Luka hadn't…I'm sure you couldn't tell how contented I was this morning when you came home. I've missed you like a pancake with out syrup (sorry couldn't resist). But really, I've missed you more than I can describe. Yesterday if I'd thought of you coming back, I swear I would have imagined myself running into your open arms. I'm not sure why I couldn't do it. I woke up in a dream, and somehow I wrecked it.
The rest of the ruined day, though, was yours. You know how the whole day went, and I don't think even you could overlook how much it hurt. Hurt both of us.
I think you've officially taken the prize for breaking us.
John, please don't read this and cry. I have so many thoughts and I'd like you to know them, but I don't want to hurt you, except I do. Perhaps the worst part about what's happened is that it's so confusing. What now? Will you return? If you do, will Luka come along, or is he just a body now, lying somewhere in Africa? And what will I do while you're gone? Wait? Is this huge part of me that is dedicated to you just going to leak away?
And now I know why I'm writing this to you. Just remember, months, years from now, what you did tonight. You little inconsiderate bastard.
I stare at the next line. Cordially? Sincerely? Yours?
He needs to hear my true sentiments.
Love,
AbbyI do not bring myself to glance back over the letter. I'm mortified to have written it. Addressing it a void option, I crease the paper into thirds. Silently, I carry the letter back to my bedroom, crinkling it slightly in my hand as I dig through the closet for a suitable shoebox. I find one and flip it upside down, dumping three old tissue paper balls on the carpet. I lay the letter softly inside the box, then replace the lid. As my hand smoothes the lid into place, a lone salty stain spreads across a tiny spot on the box. I cannot think again tonight. Too much has gone wrong today.
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Author's Other Note: So, this one's a bit short, sorry. I plan to continue writing forward from episode 10-01, and also to write for the new eps as they come. I'll post all my chapters in order though. Please, review, or else I guess I'll have to just nix the whole plan!