Worthless. Ugly. Useless. Stupid. Idiot. Maggot. These were all words Castiel knew were used to describe him. He never denied them. He knew they were true. He had no friends, his family was abusive, and there was no one he could trust. And then he started high school.
That's when it all really started. Half way through his freshman year, he had received so many threats, so many offers to help him end his life he could practically write a book on them all. So he took the advice and tried to end it once and for all.
The rope had snapped before his neck. Five minutes more and he would've been dead. When the school found out, he was teased more than ever. Six months later he tried again.
Somehow he had miscalculated the amount of his anti-depression (which were useless, in case you were wondering) meds he would have to take to end his life. He was off by three milligrams. Once again, the school teased him even harder. The teachers were of no use. Everyday he walked those crowded halls, yet he felt so alone.
aHe was two months into his softmore year when he tried a third time. This time he nearly succeeded, but someone found him before he completely bled out. He was now known as the kid who couldn't even end his life correctly. It hurt. He wanted it to end. Castiel wanted to die.
But then he met the transfer, Dean Winchester. He hadn't paid him much mind at first, he seemed to be just another person who would pick on him. But Castiel was wrong.
Their first encounter was in the classroom. Castiel had sat at the back of the classroom and as per usual, the seat to his left was empty. Dean came in late, explaining his father had been busy and that was their only ride. Taking the seat next to Castiel, he leaned back, nodded, and seemed to nap. The teacher stepped out, and Archie was out of his seat instantly.
"Move maggot. I want that seat."
Not wishing to pick a fight, Castiel started to stand up, but was surprised to find a hand holding him back. He shrunk down some, scared of who might be holding him back.
"I don't think you need to sit there. I do believe he was there first."
Archie pushed Castiel, ignoring his soft grunt of pain when he hit the ground. "Stay out of it Winchester. You could roll with us if you do."
"And be nothing more than some idiot who picks on kids? I think I'll past. Don't think that would set a good example for Sam," he completely ignored the offer.
"Your loss," he said and threw a finally punch at Castiel before walking away.
Dean turned back, and held out a hand, helping him up. "You okay?" he asked with a grim smile.
"Yeah. Thanks. Why did you stand up for me? No one has ever done that for me before."
"Because it is the proper thing to do," he shrugged. "I'm Dean."
"Castiel."
"Cool name, mind if I call you Cas?" Dean asked.
Shaking his head, he stared into Dean's dark green eyes. "Not at all."
Castiel knew that this would not last long...
The second encounter with Dean Winchester was in the hallways, just two days later. A different bully, Maria, had just finished verbally and mentally abusing him. Castiel took it as he always did, itching to use the knife in his jacket pocket. Picking up his books and papers off the floor he came face to face with Dean.
"Cas! Hey! You alright?" Dean asked.
"I'm fine. Thanks though. Dean right?"
Dean smiled, a slight laugh escaping. "The one and only. You want some help."
Castiel nodded, and allowed him to pick up some of the books. As they walked side by side, he felt as he suddenly had the guardian Angel he always needed. He wondered who in Heaven he had befriended to have gained even the glance of Dean Winchester. He tried to ignore the strong feeling of, well, he wasn't sure what it was. He had never felt this way about anyone before. As he walked along to the car, where Dean's father and someone he could only assume to be his younger brother, Sam, were waiting, he took the books from him, thanked him, and tried to ignore the feeling of love.
Castiel was in love...
His third encounter was in the boys bathroom, blood streaming down his arm, a knife in hand. No one was suppose to come. But Dean did. He saw Castiel and couldn't help, but panic. He ran out of the bathroom, and Castiel pressed even harder with the knife. He should've known he couldn't trust anyone. The tears streamed down his face and he continued to cut until he felt a strong hand on his shoulder. It was Dean. He pried the knife out of his hand and started to tend to his wounds. Wrapping the arm tightly, Castiel couldn't stop crying. No one had ever cared for him. Not like that at least.
"Cas, why would you do this?"
"No one cares. No one ever has. When you ran out, I was almost certain you didn't care either," he whispered, leaning into the embrace of Dean's arms.
The older boy sighed. "I'm here now Cas. I do care. I promise you."
Helping him up for third time in four days, Castiel bit back the urge to kiss him. He was lucky to even have him as a friend, he didn't want to push it. Besides, even if he was gay, Castiel was not at all lovable material. He had just seen his worst side. It was only a mere matter of hours before Dean realized his mistake in letting Castiel live.
Castiel would soon loose his only friend...
Dean wasn't at school Friday, but he did see him Saturday. He was torn between going up and saying hi or running in terror. Dean though saw him and waved him over. Smiling softly, he tried to get in control of his mind.
"Hi Dean," he whispered. "Where were you yesterday?"
"Dad left town and I had to finish a little work for him. This here is my little brother Sam. Sam this is Cas."
"Hey. Nice to meet you," Sam said cheerfully.
Castiel flashed a small smile. "Nice to meet you too. So where are you guys living?"
"In a motel room for now. Over at the Cowboy Inn," Dean answered.
"Really? My family actually owns that Inn. It's pretty run down though, not many people check in."
"You should stop by tomorrow. We're in room 37. Two work for you?" Sam invited.
"It has to be okay with Dean. He might not want me around. Not many do," he gave the older brother a pointed look.
Dean scoffed. "Of course you can come over. You're always welcome. We'll see you then," he waved. "Sammy! Let's go. We don't have much time."
Castiel went home, fingering the bandage on his arm. Dean Winchester would be the fall of him, he knew it. But he was happy. For once in his life, Castiel was wanted. It was nice. And even if Dean ended up being like everyone else, at least he would have some good memories.
Sunday he went to room 37 and sure enough, Sam and Dean were waiting. They mainly talked and played board games for hours. Around eleven, Sam fell asleep, but Cas and Dean continued to talk and play a quite game of checkers.
"So Cas, I've told you some things about Sam and I, what about you? Do you have any siblings? Your turn."
"Fair enough. I have three siblings who mainly run the motel, my father is a drunk, and I haven't seen my mother in over four years. My siblings hate me, my father is always abusing me, and the rest of the school is just as bad. Except for you. You've been kind. I appreciate that," Castiel vented, not even caring about what the consequences might be. He trusted Dean. "Your move."
Dean picked up the black piece and jumped a kinged piece. "Yours now. I'm sorry about that. I thought my life sucked. It's a hay day compared to yours."
Castiel shrugged and jumped three pieces in one move, leaving Dean gawking. "I live. I've tried to leave it all, but failing three times makes you seem really useless. I got use to it though. I've just learned that it's my fate to be hated forever. Plus I told my father and brothers I'm gay, and that made me hated even more."
His hands flew to his mouth as he saw that he admitted his most guarded secret. He scrambled to his feet and went to run, but was stopped. He sank to the floor, and into a fetal position, preparing himself for the beating. Instead he felt soft, warm lips. They met his and he felt tears slid down his face. They were kissed gently away, and Castiel was surprised to feel a tight, embrace instead the multitude of punches normally associated with that confession.
"I am so glad to hear that Cas. Because I am in love with you."
Castiel allowed himself to kiss Dean before, saying he had to get home. For the rest of the night, all he could think of was the way Dean's soft lips tasted like. Castiel for once had someone who loved him.
Castiel did not see Dean until Thursday, and when he came back to school, he was immediately pushed against the lockers and kissed passionately. A furious blush spread across his face, but none the less he kissed Dean back. The slightly older boy smiled as they broke away, only to frown when he saw Castiel's arm. It's bandage had been switched to a cast and was something normally you'd stay home for two or three weeks. He placed his hand gingerly on the cast.
"Cas, what happened? Did you do this?" he asked gently.
Castiel's smile vanished, and his heart stopped in his throat, mistaking the words as not being concerned, but being hurtful, as Dean looking for a weakness. "No, it wasn't me. My dad... He hit me," Castiel didn't hide the tears in his light blue eyes.
He should've known that this was a setup. That there was no way someone as beautiful as Dean Winchester could love him, or even be his friend. Castiel ran leaving a completely confused Dean behind.
"Castiel? Are you in here?" Dean's voice called out.
He had missed most of school, but he didn't care. Castiel had ran off and he had to find him. Dean had already checked half the school, unsure of where he could be. He was currently standing at the bottom of the stairwell, which lead to the roof.
Castiel was caught off guard and cut off his cry midsob. He knew that Dean was coming though, as the footsteps got closer. The door behind him was locked so he had no where else to go. Curling up into a ball, he waited for Dean and resumed his crying.
"Castiel. Come here. Please Cas, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help. I love you Cas," Dean begged softly.
Castiel looked up and saw the pure honesty in his eyes, and had to listen. He stood up and shakily made his way down. Twice he almost fell, and twice Dean caught him. They got to the bottom and was surprised at the singular last kiss Dean placed on his forehead before they both went separate ways for class. Castiel heart ached, but made his way to class too, not seeing Dean for the rest of the day.
Friday, other than a kiss against the lockers again, nothing happened. Maria and Archie both stayed away, and Dean walked right besides Castiel every step of the way. He had made sure that everyone knew Castiel was his, and that if you touched him you would die. For Cas, school got infinitely better and all he had to worry about was his father. But then, two weeks later, Dean disappeared.
At first he thought it was like that first Friday, he had some work to finish for his dad, so he stopped by room 37 Saturday morning. It was cleared, and when he asked his brother, he was told they checked out Thursday night. Telling himself that It was okay, they probably just found a more permanent residence. Taking out his small flip phone that he rarely used, he dialed the number and waited as it rang.
After three rings, it went to voice mail. Flipping the phone closed, he hung his head in rejection, and started to head home. It would be alright, he said to himself. You'll see him Monday.
But Monday passed, and so did Tuesday. Each and every day he tried Dean's cell, to find nothing. Eventually, he accepted that Dean wasn't coming back. He missed his terribly and was at least grateful that no one hurt him at school anymore. But the beatings at home grew worse.
About four weeks later he was surprised to arrive at school and find Dean standing next to his locker. He was half tempted to run and hide, but he also desperately wanted him to kiss him. The next thing he knew Dean was running his hands through Castiel's hair, kissing him and Cas was doing the exact same thing. When they broke, Castiel tried his hardest to hide his tears.
"Don't do that. Here, look at me Cas. Your beautiful. I'm sorry I left. My dad, Sam, and I had to go somewhere on urgent business. I missed you so much. I would've answered your calls, but I left my phone in the hotel room," Dean wiped away the tears.
Castiel nodded and just snuggled into him. He knew what was waiting for him when he got home, but couldn't care less. Right now he had Dean, and Dean was all he needed.
Two days later Castiel didn't show up for school. Dean didn't think much of it at first until an announcement came over the speaker. That's when his heart stopped.
"Good morning students! This is your principal, Principal Anderson. I would like to ask that we all took a moment of silence for Castiel Novak who died last night. . . . . Thank you."
Dean's heart stopped. Castiel was... dead? He dropped his books and ran out working his way to the address Castiel had given him. He saw the body bag being sealed up and the Castiel's father being taken into custody. He suddenly couldn't breath and all he could remember was crying. When his dad arrived to pick him up from the front steps, he had been crying for hours. He was an emotional wreak.
Dean didn't speak for days. He didn't pick up his phone, he refused to go to school, and he completely ignored Sam. It wasn't until he heard his phone ring because of a voicemail reminder, that he even took a sip of water.
He listened to the voicemail, and realized that Castiel being dead was his fault. If he had just picked up the phone, He might've heard this.
"Hi Dean. It's me, Castiel. I don't think I'll be at school tomorrow. I don't think I'll ever be at school again. I just want to thank you for being my friend. You were the only one I ever had. I love you Dean. Bye."
Dean archived the message and listened over and over again, until he finally collapsed in tears, unable to bear the pain. Carefully he searched the few memories he had of Castiel.
The way he had been surprised when Dean stood up for him. How he been extremely grateful for something as small as carrying his books. How he hadn't ever expected the help when he was cutting. The way his soft lips felt and tasted. It was all there and Dean would never let go of the few moments they shared together.
He couldn't help, but think about how lucky he was to have his dad and Sammy.
After the funeral, he had gone to Castiel's grave. The headstone was plain and he didn't have anything to say, he just knew that Castiel had been an Angel in disguise, and he was finally where he belonged.
Ummm... Hi again. Well this is awkward. Anyway! I wrote this to help mainly with some of my depression and just want to say this, if you are depressed and having suicidal thoughts, don't keep it to yourself. Get help. I write these types of stories because that what helps me. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed and please review!
Best Regards,
SPN221B