I found this story. the author replied to a post i made and so im posting it. NONE OF THE FOLLOWING CONTENT BELONINGS TO ME. THIS IS ALL CREDITED TO MRMRSMINGUS, AND I DO NOT OWN COVER AFFAIRS. but i miss it dearly.
Aftermath
by MrMsMingus
Chapter 1
Annie slid into the black SUV waiting for her on the tarmac unsure where it would take her. Blue Bonnet, headquarters, a blacksite, prison, all were possibilities.
What she didn't expect was to find Auggie sitting beside her and Calder in the drivers seat.
"Welcome Home Walker."
Wide-eyed she thanked Calder and looked over at the lankey man beside her, "Thanks for getting me home Auggie."
A wide grin took over his face, "Anytime Walker, anytime...glad you're home."
She reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.
"Am I? Home that is?" She targeted the question at Calder who was pulling onto the road and watching her in the rear-view.
"Well, we aren't sending you back to China anytime soon, but I do have strict orders as to where I am dropping you off."
Annie groaned, "Blue Bonnet?"
Auggie shook his head, "No. At least not yet."
"So where?"
Calder shifted in the drivers seat to halfway look at her, "Walker, just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Okay?"
Auggie tugged on her arm, and with his free hand patted his shoulder closest to her, "Yeah, sit back right here."
Annie smiled and rested her head on his shoulder, but it was tense and somehow awkward. There were too many un-spoken words between them. After a minute or two of quiet, she sat up and broke the silence, "Any chance I am going to get updated on what the fallout has looked like?" She heard Auggie take a deep breath beside her as he tried to decide how to answer. "Not from us."
Annie watched the DC landscape fly by them. It was familiar and foreign at the same time. Soon they left the city and were in the suburbs. Calder pulled up to a brick house that Annie knew all too well.
"Alright Walker, this is where we leave you."
Un-buckling her seatbelt she targeted her question at Auggie, "Joan and Arthur's?"
Auggie turned toward her voice with a half grin, "Yes, they want to see you and neither are up to meeting you at Langley."
"Okay...?"
Calder turned around so he could look her in the eye, "Speaking of Langley, we need to get back to the office, so, hate to break up this little reunion, but you need go on inside now."
Auggie squeezed her hand before releasing it, encouraging her to go.
Slowly Annie climbed out of the car and walked up to the front door. Calder was already out of sight by the time she reached up to knock. She paused as her mind flashed back to the first time she visited this house. The day Ben disappeared.
Taking a deep breath she beat the door with a lightly closed fist and waited.
The door opened revealing a very tired looking Arthur Campbell, barefoot and dressed in jeans and a NAVY tee wearing a sling on his left arm. Annie tried her best to filter her facial expression, she had never seen the former DCS dressed so casually.
His face lit up with a warm smile, "Annie, please come inside."
Annie returned his smile and stepped through the doorway. She surveyed the house. Nothing had changed since the last time she had been there. Nothing that is except the baby items strewn everywhere.
Arthur closed the door behind her and motioned for her to enter the living room, "Come sit. Joan is changing McKenzie, she will be out in a minute."
She took one of the armchairs and Arthur moved a baby blanket to sit across from her on the couch. "I wanted to thank you personally for everything you have done..."
"It really isn't necessary..." She interrupted.
Arthur pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes at her, "...yes it is. You have exposed a traitor, at extreme personal expense. I know this mission will take you some time to get over, but I want you to know I am thankful for everything you have done, and that we are here for you. Whatever you need. However we can help."
Annie bit her lip and nodded.
"And Walker, I am proud of you. You have evolved into a fine operative." He relaxed back into the couch and watched her face contort as she tried to find a response.
"Thank you, sir."
Just as an awkward silence began to settle over the room, Joan came down the stairs, long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. She wore yoga pants with a white tank top and blue sweater and was carrying a tiny porcelain skinned baby wrapped in blue in her arms. Annie stood when she entered the room.
"Annie." Joans face was tired but still full of emotion as she looked the girl over, "It is so good to have you home." She walked over to the brunette and wrapped an arm around her. Annie reciprocated. Pulling away her eyes fell on the blue bundle between them.
"McKenzie, meet Annie...Annie..." Joan met Annies eyes and continued, "meet baby McKenzie." She tipped her arm up so Annie could see his face, "Do you want to hold him?"
Annie looked at her wide-eyed. It wasn't that she had never held a baby before, she had helped her sister with her nieces, but she was a different person then. Today she was afraid to hold the child. He was so perfect, so innocent. The thought of touching him frightened Annie as if the remnants of her life in the dark would transfer to him.
"I uh...I...I don't..." She stuttered trying to find the words, but Joan didn't wait for an answer. Pulling on the protective instincts she knew her operative possessed she moved to drop the baby in her arms even tho the shocked girl was un-prepared. Annie instinctively opened her arms and held him.
His wide dark eyes starring up at her made Annies fill with tears. "Joan he is so perfect."
She smiled and gazed at her sons face running a finger along his cheek, "He is."
Arthur stood and pulled his ringing phone from his pocket, "I have to take this" he said moving towards Joan he kissed her lightly on the cheek. Looking over at Annie and his son he grinned, "I'll let you catch up. I'm gonna be in the office if you need anything." He then turned to go deeper into the house as he pulled his phone to his ear, "Hello..."
Annie turned away from where Arthur had disappeared down the hall and met Joans concerned eyes that had been taking a mental inventory of her.
"Do you want anything to drink Annie? Tea, coffee, water?"
"No, I'm fine, but thank you."
"How is Auggie?"
"Fine. He seemed fine, but things between us are complicated right now."
Joan nodded and took the arm chair beside where Annie stood, "Sit Annie."
Annie slowly sank into the arm chair watching the baby as if he were a time bomb afraid any movement would set him off. He gurgled and waved is hands. Annie instinctively offered him her finger. His hand wrapped around as she soothingly rubbed his tiny, soft hands. She forgot how fragile babies seemed. Helpless. Unable to survive on their own.
Joans cautious voice interrupted her thoughts, "Annie, are you okay?"
Annie's wide eyes shot up from the baby to meet Joan's. "Yeah, I'm fine. Tired, in need of a shower but I'm..."
"Annie, don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Now, lets try this again, are you okay?" Her voice was firm but not angry.
Annies gaze flickered back down to the baby, "I...I uhhh..." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "I'm overwhelmed. The entire trip home I just tried to sort through my thoughts, but it's like, like..." her voice trailed off.
"Like there is a war inside of you in spite of the war around you ending?" Joan asked with a question in her voice.
Annie looked up and met her gaze, "Yeah."
Joan nodded, "Are you sleeping?"
"A little..." her brow furrowed and she paused to find the words, "...no, not really...Joan, I killed him. He was un-armed and I know he wasn't the first person I've killed, but, it...its different...when I close my eyes the moment replays in my mind...maybe Lena was right..."
Joan leaned toward Annie, "Lena?"
"She told me something right before I uh..." Annie shook her head but continued, "...she said killing someone for malice changes you. That once you do you can never look at yourself in the mirror again...she was armed, I can justify it within myself, call it self defense, but for all Henry did to, to us...at that moment, he was un-armed, vulnerable. The scariest part is, I don't know who looks back at me in the mirror anymore. Nothing is simple it's all so..." Silent tears fell down her cheeks, "...so confusing." The baby in her arms cooed and attracting Annies brown eyes.
Joan was silent, watching the war inside of Annie play out on her face. She carefully re-adjusted herself to the edge of the seat and paused to choose her words, "Annie, I never went dark so I can't imagine what you went through while you were on your own." Joan leaned against the armrest and clasped her hands, "I wanted him brought back here, to face prison, the legal system because I believe in our judicial system. But Annie, when I sat in the hospital waiting to find out if Arthur had survived the assassin, I realized Henry wasn't going to stop. Malice, in a legal sense, implies the intention behind the action was wrong." Annie timidly returned her eyes to meet Joans, "Annie, you are a linguist, so you understand the importance of choosing the right word, I want you to think about why you had to pull that trigger, what was your intention?"
McKenzie began to fuss as Annie combed through her inventory of words. Readjusting the baby so she could bounce him, which successfully soothed him, she replied, "To protect Auggie, and..and you guys."
Joan smiled sadly at the girl, "There was nothing wrong with the intentions behind your actions. Auggie, Arthur, and I would do the same thing to protect you. So, no, what Lena said is irrelevant. You didn't kill out of malice you killed to defend."
Annie nodded, but remained silent.
"Annie, look at me for a minute..." The dark haired girl rolled her eyes and forced them to meet Joans, "...it will take time, and you will never be the same, but, you will get to where you recognize yourself in the mirror again, and aren't afraid of what you see. The war in you will end just like the war with Henry did."
Annie blew her bangs out of her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh, "When?"
"That I don't know, just take it one day at a time." Joan motioned to the baby in Annies arms, "Someone is a sleepy man."
Annie jerked her eyes down to see the baby boy sound asleep. He looked so peaceful, "Can't say I blame him." She said with a laugh.
"Come, I'll show you the nursery and you can put him down. He is due for a nap and I could do an early dinner, if you're hungry?"
Knowing it was less of a question and more of an order, Annie nodded before carefully standing and slowly following Joan down the hall and up the stairs.
The nursery was blue and decorated with airplanes. A crib took up the far wall flanked by a rocking chair and a corner bookcase filled with children's books and antique model airplanes. She moved to put the baby in Joans arms, but his mom shook her head.
"Put him down for me? It's hard for me to lean over the crib, I am still really sore."
"Oh, yeah sure." Annie walked the baby over to the crib and carefully inched him towards the mattress. She managed to set McKenzie down and not wake him. Breathing a sigh of relief she turned to face Joan a look of pride on her face.
Joan chuckled and whispered, "Mission accomplished" she motioned for Annie to follow her and spoke in a low voice to not wake the baby, "Have you given any thought to where you are going to stay?"
Annie stuttered and gave Joan a confused look as she watched her carefully crack the nursery door. "Uh, no...I'm guessing I don't have an apartment anymore?" Joan shook her head and Annie continued, "...and staying with Auggie is probably a bad idea so, no I haven't."
Nodding Joan walked down the hall and opened the door at the end, "Then you can stay here, in the guest room until you figure all that out."
Annie raised her hands in protest, "No, I couldn't you just had a baby and I..."
Interrupting the girls argument Joan firmly stated, "You need a place to stay, and yes, I did just have a baby and my husband was just stabbed and only has one arm. Having an extra set of hands around would be nice." She looked at Annie with a raised eyebrow daring her to say no.
"I...umm, okay."
With a decisive nod Joan responded, "Okay. I am going to warm up one of the dishes our neighbors dropped off. How long has it been since you showered?"
"Do I smell that bad?"
Joan rolled her eyes, "There is a change of clothes on the bed. They are mine, pre-baby so hopefully they fit. Towels are on the bathroom counter. Shower, then dinner." Joan turned on her bare heel and headed back down the stairs leaving no room for agrument.
Arthur was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs.
"Eavesdropping?"
He grinned, "Sorry, can't help it. Is she staying?"
Joan walked past him, "Yes. You were right, she does need something to live for. Helping me with the baby will be a nice distraction until she figures everything out."
She turned on the oven and went to get a casserole out of the freezer.
"Arthur, you're hovering." she said as she slid the pan into the oven and closed it before turning to face him.
"How is she?" he asked.
"She is beating herself up and...honestly, I'm worried."
Arthur nodded and opened his good arm, inviting her in. She happily stepped into his embrace, careful not to cause him any pain. He kissed the top of her head. "Arthur, she has to be okay."
"She will be. Annie is a strong girl. We will be here for her. When she is ready for him to be, Auggie will be too." She nodded and buried her face in his neck when their sons shrill cry broke their silent embrace.
"He probably needs to be fed." She put a hand on her husbands chest, "If the oven beeps before I get back down, can you take dinner out?"
Arthur nodded.
"And keep and ear out for Annie." She ordered as she headed up the stairs.
Arthur leaned against the kitchen counter and listened to his wife talking soothingly to calm down their son and whispered under his breath trying to convince himself, "She has to be okay."
Yeah, couldn't help myself. This season ended so happy but with so many loose ends. I needed Annie home, safe, with parental figures there to help her sort through the emotional mess that is the aftermath of what she went through that we saw hints of as she walked away from Henry. This story picks up three days after the last scene.
Chapter 2
Annie moved quietly through the Campbells house dressed in a pair of Joans jeans that were a size too big and a purple v-neck sweater, dark wet hair pulled back into a messy bun. Her socked feet shuffled along the hardwood floor towards the kitchen. She hadn't worn a pair of clean, white socks in months. Looking through the pile of clothes she fixated on the pair of white ankle socks. Clean socks were a luxury she couldn't afford in the dark.
Seeing no one in the living room or dining room but perceiving what smelled like an Italian dish in the kitchen, she stealthily moved to stand in the doorway between the dining room and kitchen.
Arthur was standing against the counter watching the clock on the oven count down from 4 seconds. He reached and turned the timer off just before it beeped and grabbed a potholder with his good hand. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, "Walker, mind getting a bottle of red wine out of the wine cabinet beside you?"
Annie was a little startled he had noticed her, "Yeah, um…you sure you got that?" eyeing the hot pan of lasagna in the oven and his wrapped arm.
Arthur shook his head dismissively, "This I can handle."
Nodding Annie opened the waist high wine cabinet. Spotting a bottle of Chianti she lifted it from the rack and closed the door. That's when she noticed the red mark on the wall behind the cabinet. Leaning over the top she saw the blood smeared down the wall and realized it was where Joan killed her assassin. Her eyes were widened in shock. Anger, fear, sadness, spun an emotional web in her mind.
Pan of lasagna in hand, Arthur set it onto the hotplate sitting on the dinning room table. He observed the dark haired girl running a hand over the red stain on the wall he had tried to cover up. "If that cabinet were just a few inches taller you would never know that was there."
His voice startled the girl causing her to nearly jump out of her skin as she turned to face him. "I'm so sorry she had to go through that, and you, I'm so sorry that…."
"Why are you apologizing for Henry? None of this is your fault."
Giving the bottles label un-needed attention she spoke in a small voice, "I know, I just wonder if I could have done something different to, to prevent all of this."
"Walker, if it weren't for you, we would still be watching our backs and living in fear. We all had something taken from us." Annie watched emotion take over his features. She knew he was thinking of Teo. Joan was right, he was still grieving.
Swallowing down her self-pity she looked at her former boss with compassion, and tried to lighten the mood "Where are the wine glasses?"
Arthur patted the chair in front of him and met her eyes, "In the hutch beside you. I will get dishes and utensils. Check on Joan for me when you're done?" he asked raising his voice as he entered the kitchen, "See how much longer till she is ready to eat?"
Annie set the glasses on the table as Joan walked in carrying McKenzie, "She is ready now."
Annies eyes shot up. Joan grinned at her, "So, my jeans are a little big on you."
"They're fine." She said shaking her head and returning her smile.
"Hopefully you won't be in them for long. Calder is working on getting your things out of the CIA storage facility from when he raided your place." Joan rolled her eyes remembering his idiotic actions. "Until then, feel free to wash the clothes you do have, there is a mudroom with the washer and dryer behind the kitchen.
Arthur set the stack of plates and forks on the table before turning his attention to the newborn in his wifes arms, "Hows my boy?" He said leaning down to kiss his forehead.
Annie felt awkward watching this family moment so made herself useful arranging the plates and utensils on the table.
"Sill perfect. Has a full tummy and a clean diaper…for now." Arthur chuckled and kissed the side of Joans head. "You know the benefit of being stabbed is being unable to change those diapers."
Joan grinned slyly and narrowed her eyes at him, "Oh, you will get to change your fair share in a few weeks. I assure you."
Finishing her task, Annie crossed her arms and tried to make herself invisible.
Joan noticed her awkwardness and tried to help, "Okay, lets eat."
Arthur pulled out a chair for Joan and Annie took the one she was standing behind. Being the only one with two free and working hands she took it upon herself to serve dinner and pour the wine.
"When did you three get released from the hospital?"
Arthur spoke with his mouth half full, "This morning. Calder dropped us off before he went to get you."
They quickly ran out of small talk about the nurses in the hospital, how funny it was that both parents were forced to allow themselves to be wheeled out of the hospital. Annie caught Joan looking over at the wall behind the wine cabinet periodically. Every time she did she pulled McKenzie closer to her chest. A heavy silence began to settle over the room, Arthur spoke first trying to alleviate the effect of the atmosphere, "Annie we need to update you on a few things." Annie settled back into her seat and met Arthurs eyes. Joan added onto his statement and narrowed her eyes at the dark haired girl sitting across from her, "But only if you are ready to talk about it."
Annie nodded, "I'm good. What has the fallout looked like? What is next?"
Joan glanced at Arthur who nodded, telling her to carry the conversation.
"Did Auggie tell you about Braithwaite?'
"That he was working for Henry and when everything came to light he, um…." She shook her head and looked down at her plate not wanting to say it.
"Calder is acting DCS, provisionally. Auggie got back from China yesterday and he and Calder visited us at the hospital to inform me the DNI would go through the official process of replacing Braithwaite when I was up to interviewing for the position."
"Are you going too?"
Joan glanced from Annie to the baby, to Arthur before sitting up straight and responding "Yes, I will." Her eyes watching her husband shift uncomfortably beside her.
Annie bit her lip and pushed her food around on her plate, "What about Arthur?"
He took a sip of his wine, "What about me?"
"Are you still fighting jail time, are you going to work for the CIA or...?"
"Well, I won't be going to jail. The charges were dropped this morning. The DNI called when you first arrived to inform me they would be having a star ceremony for Teo. Will I work for the CIA? There are some options on the table to explore, but I will not come back as DCS."
Joan sensed Annies next question and answered it before she could ask it, "Auggie has been moved back out of IT. Calder lobbied to have him as acting head of the DPD again until we find a permanent solution." She narrowed here eyes at Annies surprised facial expression, "I'm surprised he didn't tell you when he picked you up…?"
Annie smiled weakly and nodded, "It was a short car ride."
As Annie finished her statement, the baby in Joans arms started wailing.
Joan lifted him so she could see his face and spoke in a soft, comforting voice that Annie never imagined she possessed. Seeing her former boss in this role was going to take some time to get used too, "What is it baby Mack? Can momma finish eating?" He only cried louder. Annie stood and motioned to her empty plate, "I'm done, I could take him, so you can eat?"
Joan smiled gratefully, "You sure you don't mind? He probably has a messy diaper."
Annie walked over and reached for the child in Joan's arms, "No. I don't mind at all."
She took him and walked to the nursery, bouncing him in her arms and speaking comfortingly to him. He almost instantly stopped crying and started happily starring at Annie.
Joan turned in her seat to watch them go up the stairs before meeting her husbands eyes, "What?"
He chuckled, "Nothing."
Joan narrowed her eyes and tilted her head at him, "Seriously?"
"You are an amazing mother."
Joan blushed and continued eating. Arthur contemplatively pushed his food around his plate, "You notice she didn't ask about herself, about what was next for her?"
Nodding and taking a moment to swallow Joan sighed, "I know. I think she is afraid of the answer."
Annie changed baby McKenzies diaper and took a seat in the rocking chair. She rocked and spoke to him in a low voice, "Hey McKenzie, you know you are one lucky baby boy?" She looked into his eyes and touched his miniature nose with her finger, "Your parents love you so much and would do anything for you." Her mind flashed back to her father, the day he left, her mothers angry tears. Annie blinked back the tears in her own eyes, "And you have a dad who is never going to let you go, I never realized how much he loves your mom. You will always be safe and loved."
After the dishes were cleared Joan and Arthur headed upstairs to check on Annie and McKenzie. They stood in the doorway and exchanged grinning glances after they saw Annie asleep in the rocking chair and McKenzie asleep in her arms.
Joan stepped into the room and gently woke Annie, "Hey"
She looked shocked and embarrassed, quickly glancing down to check on the baby.
Standing to her full height Joan smiled down at them.
"I'm sorry, I must have been really tired. Do you want me to put him in the crib?"
Shaking her head Joan reached down and cradled her son in her own arms, "No, we are all apparently exhausted. It's a little early, but Arthur and I are going to turn in, he will sleep in our room at night. I think it will be easier for me to feed him when he wakes every few hours. I suggest you put your tired self to bed as well."
Annie stood and nodded.
"Come with me for a minute and I will find you something to sleep in."
Arthur, who had been silently standing in the doorway interjected, "I am going to lock up. Joan do you need anything from downstairs?"
"I don't but the stuff to change your bandages is in the living room somewhere, bring that up with you."
He shot her a childish grin, "Yes ma'am."
As he walked away a chuckle escaped Annies lips attracting un-wanted attention from Joan as the two headed toward the master bedroom, "Sorry Joan, I've just never seen Arthur so laid back, or you for that matter."
"Mmmm."
Joan entered the room and headed straight towards the basinet to lay down McKenzie who didn't stir or make a sound. Annie opted to stay in the doorway. She watched Joan open a few drawers coming up with black silk pajama pants and a green long sleeve tee. She placed them in Annie's hands and clamped down onto the clothes and her hands to prevent the dark haired operative from walking away. She looked Annie in the eye intensely, "Annie, if you need anything, please let me know. You are home, and you are safe so try to sleep. Please."
Annie smiled weakly and nodded "I will."
Turning to head to the guestroom down the hall she turned right into Arthur who was standing behind her, "I apologize in advance if McKenzie wakes you up. But make yourself at home. If you get hungry, everything in the kitchen is game and, if you can't sleep there are DVDs in the closet in the living room."
"Thank you" she said smiling at Arthur, turning to Joan she added, "both of you."
Joan nodded, "Goodnight Annie."
Once her dark head disappeared into the hall Joan turned her attention to her husband, "Okay, lets change those bandages before baby Mack wakes up."
Arthur sat on the bed where he could watch his son sleep as his wife gingerly removed his sling. He grit his teeth and inhaled to keep from wincing.
"I'm sorry."
"No, its okay. How are you healing up?" He asked in an attempt to distract some of her attention from his wounds, she glanced at him for a moment, "I'm sore, but I am fine."
Joan slowly helped him out of his shirt and carefully un-wrapped his arm and side. Tears filled her eyes. It was the first time she had changed his bandages, and the first time she had seen the full extent of the damage. She couldn't stop the gasp, "My God Arthur." He reached for her hand with his good one, "Joan, I'm okay, I'm here." She nodded but still didn't meet his eyes and proceeded to re-bandage his wounds.
Once Arthur was back in his sling and settled comfortably in the bed she went to take a quick shower while McKenzie was asleep. Emerging ten minutes later she found her husband leaning over the basinet talking to their son. Watching the two of them filled her heart in a way she felt she could explode with happiness. She walked toward him and leaned over the basinet capturing his lips in hers.
"What was that for?"
She smiled at him, "For being you, for being here, for talking to him the way you just did."
Arthur smiled and moved over to his side of the bed watching as Joan carefully settled in beside him. She laid her head in his lap letting him run his fingers through her wet hair, "What are we going to do about Annie?" she whispered.
His hand paused for a moment before returning to the rhythmic strokes, "Give her space, make sure she feel safe, and if need be, confront her. She won't get over it if we let her go inside herself."
Joan nodded and sighed, "I know. I know all too well."
Chapter 3
"How did you find me?"
"Does it matter?"
"It always matters."
Annie gasped and shot up straight in bed. Subconsciously she had reached for the firearm that was sitting on her nightstand and pointed it at the wall in front of her. Panting, her eyes scanned the room as she slowly remembered where she was. Looking down the length of her extended arms she found the gun in her hands, held tightly and ready for a war. Unable to catch her breath she threw the sheets that were now drenched in sweat off of her. A glance at the clock told her it was just after 4am.
She sat on the edge of the bed, placing the gun beside her and running a hand through her matted tangled hair. Around midnight she had finally relaxed enough to sleep.
At 2am the baby's shrill cries had wakened her.
Now her worst nightmare had taken sleep away from her as it had done often over the past few nights.
Henry Wilcox's last words still reverberating in her mind, she pressed her palms on the sides of her head and groaned. She stood and tucked the gun away. Walking into the small guest bath she splashed water on her face and tied her hair back. Sleep wasn't worth it if it meant waking like this every few hours.
She glanced at herself in the mirror for a moment before quickly looking away. How could she fell so heavy and hard inside, but still hollow, still broken. Pacing her room, she looked for a distraction, she needed something to do.
Her tired eyes fell onto the small pile of clothes on the floor. She picked them up and quietly headed downstairs to find the washing machine. She entered the kitchen through the dining room and found the door to the mudroom opposite where she stood.
Realizing the sound would wake Joan and Arthur she dumped the clothes into the washer but didn't start it. She opened the door to her left which brought her out into the hall across from Arthurs study. Her socked feet tip-toed back down the main hall over to the window in the dining room.
There she stood and watched the wind blow through the nearly bare trees. The occasional car drove by. The sun started to slowly warm the sky. An early morning jogger crossed through her field of view. It was peaceful to watch something so normal, so predictable.
Joan woke to her sons small whimpers, the precursors to the eardrum splitting shrill cry that would follow. She was a light sleeper and had woken to his whimpers every couple of hours. The cry had only filled the silent house once, startling Arthur and probably Annie awake. That is, if she had fallen asleep.
She reached into the basinet beside her bed. Pulling him to her chest she whispered to his small ears, "Hey sweetie, it's okay, mommys up." After a moment she realized he wasn't hungry, and his diaper was dry, she had been up with him less than an hour ago. He needed nothing but his whimpering hadn't ceased. "McKenzie, what is wrong?" she pleaded before planting a soft kiss on his forehead.
She slowly and very gingerly worked her way out of the bed. Maneuvering into her robe she saw her husband begin to stir. "Okay, lets go for a walk so daddy can sleep."
She began pacing the hall, bouncing the baby in her arms, whispering to him. Walking past the guest room she noticed the door open. She poked her head into the room and realized it was empty. Craning her neck she saw the bathroom was empty as well. Panic started to rise in her, worry that Annie had run off.
Walking down the stairs in search of her operative, she realized the lights were all off. She felt her heart drop to her stomach. It wouldn't be the first time an operative just in from the cold decided to split. Her heart was racing when finally she saw Annie. Standing in the dining room looking out the window. The moonlight lit her face in an eerie way. Her arms were crossed, her posture rigid, her hair matted. She looked exhausted.
Joan knew sneaking up on her was a bad idea, so she cautiously whispered from the hall, "Annie?"
Her dark head whipped around to face Joan as her hand simultaneously reached for, what Joan assumed to be her gun stuffed into her pajama pants. "Annie, it's just me."
Annie gasped and relaxed, "I'm sorry Joan, I didn't mean to wake you."
Joan shook her head dismissively and slowly moved toward the dark haired girl and saw she was shaking, "You didn't, he did." She said motioning to the now silent and relaxed child in her arms.
Annie breathed a sigh of relief.
"What are you doing down here? Did you sleep at all?"
"A few hours. I uh, this time when I woke up I just decided, I mean I knew I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep so…."
"How long have you been up?"
"About an hour."
"Are you armed?"
A guilty look washed over Annies face.
Joan raised an eyebrow at the girl and took a step closer so she was in arms length, "Can you disarm your weapon and put it on the dining room table for me?"
Annie furrowed her brow and bit the inside of her cheek, but didn't move to obey Joans request.
"Annie, now!" This time her stern tone of voice left no question, it was an order, not a request. McKenzie, who had been falling asleep as the whole ordeal played out opened his eyes in full alertness as his mothers tone of voice changed.
Annie slowly removed the gun from its home behind her back and removed the clip of ammo. Leaning over she set each separately onto the table.
"How did you know it wasn't loaded?"
"Because you are a scorpion and every word that comes out of your mouth is a lie."
Annie clenched her eyes shut and grit her teeth, trying to force the memories out of her mind.
Joan narrowed here eyes and watched Annies face contort, and wishing she knew what was tormenting her so.
"Annie?"
Her eyes flew open and she stood up straight removing her hands from the weapon.
Joan sighed, "Can you hold McKenzie for me?"
Annie nodded and held out her arms to take him. He happily stretched his little body before snuggling into Annie and closing his eyes.
Joan relaxed as she watched Annies faces soften, her eyes no longer fierce as they gazed at McKenzie's face in awe of him. That baby was good for her.
Knowing it was time for some tough love Joan took a deep breath, "Alright…I am going to make some tea, and you are going to sit with me and drink it, and we are going to talk about why you aren't sleeping." She had that look on her face. One that Annie recognized. It was the look she generated when she gave orders she knew wouldn't be well received.
Twenty minutes later Annie was seated beside Joan on the couch. A sleeping baby in her left arm and a warm cup of tea in her right hand. She tried to relax, tucking a leg under her and leaning against the armrest, but the knowledge of the impending conversation had her on edge.
Taking a sip of her tea, Joans eyes peered over the rim of the mug at her. "Where do you want to start?"
"Where do you want me to start?" she asked with an edge in her voice as she set her mug onto the coffee table in front of her.
"How about with what woke you tonight?"
Annie nodded and looked down at the sleeping baby boy in her arm, "I had a nightmare." She scoffed at herself hearing how pathetic that sounded. She glanced at Joan who tilted her head to the side and bent her eyes with compassion encouraging her to elaborate.
"Sometimes I dream Henry is chasing me, or has a gun to Auggies head, or…Goodman is on top of me again…or Teo…" her voiced cracked as she said his name, "…I see him beside me in the car, life draining out of him." She blew air through her pursed lips and re-gained her composure "….or like tonight, the moment before I killed him, it just replays in my mind, what he said…in my dream I'm never quite sure if I pulled the trigger or not. I wake up fearing I didn't actually take out Goodman or Henry and I just…can't-go-back-to sleep…." McKenzie had started to stir in her arms, Annie probed his fist with her finger, encouraging him to hold onto her and relax.
Joan watched with sad eyes, "Well, I am no therapist, but…when I still did fieldwork..." She reached with her hand to the desk behind her but quickly brought the hand back to her lap as she inhaled sharply in pain.
"Joan, are you okay?" Her voice laced with concern.
Giving Annie a shy smile, she explained, "I forget I am still healing and keep twisting in ways that cause me pain."
She gingerly stood and walked around to the desk she had been reaching for, setting her mug down she fingered though the pile of papers in search of something as she explained, "One thing that helped me sleep after a mission overwhelmed me, is…." She found a notebook and held it up for Annie to see "…this. Especially after Jonathan." She raised her eyebrows at Annie as she walked back around and settled back into the couch.
Taking a deep breath she continued, "I would wake up in a cold sweat, panicky. The nightmares would scare the hell out of me and after we got married, my abrupt waking would scare Arthur as well. He actually taught me to do this..."
Joan flipped through the notebook and tore out a few pages form the front that were written in before handing it to Annie, "When you wake up, write the dream down. Every detail, and when you don't know how it ends, make up an ending. In the case of how it actually ended, try writing it as it happened, how you felt, what you perceived."
Annie nodded and put the notebook down on the couch to try to soothe the whimpering baby in her arms. He reached for the top of Annies shirt.
"Here, let me take him, I think he is hungry." Glancing at the clock she read 6am. "Yeup, it's time for him to eat again."
To keep Joan from having to lean across the couch, she stood and placed the baby into his mothers arms.
"Hey sweet boy." She said in that high pitched tone Annie was still trying to adjust too, "Annie, can you hand me the blanket over there on the chair."
Retrieving the blanked she handed it to Joan, "Will it bother you if I nurse him here?"
Annie blinked and considered saying yes and excusing herself, "Uh, no. Danielle used to nurse my nieces around me, and anyone else in the room." She said with an awkward chuckle.
Sitting back down she picked up the notebook and turned through a couple of pages while Joan draped the blanket over her shoulder and got adjusted. Once McKenzie was happily being fed she addressed her young operative again, "So, why are you carrying a gun in my house?"
Annie closed the notebook and smoothed her ponytail back with a hand, "Habit?"
"Annie…" Her eyes and voice were intensely glaring past Annies veiled explanation.
She exhaled and rolled here eyes, "Part of me is still on the run, or thinks it should be."
"Well, you aren't. So, that gun needs to stay somewhere other than in your bedroom."
"But Joan…." Annie protested.
"No, 'But Joan,' the war is over, and I don't want you to hurt yourself or anyone else accidentally, so that gun is staying down here. Got it?"
"Yeah." She said rolling her eyes and flipping the notebook over in her hands.
"I am going to finish feeding him, and go wake Arthur to change his bandages and help him get dressed. I want you to try to take a nap. I'll wake you once I have breakfast ready."
Annie opened her mouth to protest and propose she make breakfast but her un-voiced argument was met with Joans un-spoken glare that caused Annie to close her mouth and nod in compliance.
She stood to head upstairs when Joan requested her attention for another moment. Annie turned to face the woman, "Arthur has some errands to run and will need someone to drive him. Do you mind playing chauffeur later today?" She said with a half grin.
"No, not at all."
"Thanks Annie, now go sleep."
Chapter 4
Just after noon, Annie plopped onto the drivers seat of the Campbells black BMW dressed in her newly cleaned black pants and Joan's purple sweater. Arthur, dressed in his normal suit and tie, slammed the passenger door beside her with his good arm.
"So, where are we going?" Annie asked as she put the key in the ignition.
Reaching into his sports jacket pocket Arthur pulled out a folded piece of paper, "To the drugstore to get whatever is on this list from Joan, but first, we need to go into Langley."
Annie was halfway out of the driveway when she slammed on the brakes. The sudden jolt caused Arthur to wince in pain, "Langley?"
Arthur took a deep breath and nodded, "Yes. I have a meeting with the DNI and DCI, and you have a polygraph." It was then she realized he was way overdressed to just be running to the drugstore.
Gritting her teeth Annie tried to control her anger, "A polygraph?"
"Probably your first of many. After your poly you have an evaluation then a meeting with Calder and the DCI."
"You mean a psych evaluation?"
"Yes..." Annie opened her mouth to argue but Arthur continued his statement, silencing her rebuttal, "...you and I both know you will need help to adjust. My understanding is that today will be just an evaluation, seeing where you are."
Annie exhaled frustratedly and looked at the roof of the car.
"Walker, if you aren't up for it, I can have them put it off one more..."
She interrupted her former boss as she looked in the rearview and resumed backing out of the driveway, "No, no….I want to get this over with."
The rest of the car ride was silent and tense. A million thoughts were running through Annies mind. How would people react to her coming back from the dead? What were they going to ask her to re-live? What was this shrink going to say was wrong with her? But mostly, what if she sees Auggie? Her stomach twisted into knots thinking about the oncoming, unavoidable conversation.
Arthur watched his former operative closely. He noted how intensely she stared ahead at the road, her tight grip on the steering wheel, her set jaw and furrowed brow. He knew this would be hard for her, but he was beginning to realize he had no idea just how taxing it would be for her emotionally.
The route was second nature and she drove mindlessly arriving at the barrier far too fast for her liking. Realizing neither had an ID, Annie looked at Arthur with a questioning glance, "What do we tell them at the gate?"
"I'll handle it." He responded calmly with a reassuring smile.
Ten minutes later they were parked in visitors parking. Annie reached to open the door but froze, "Arthur?"
He paused and released the door handle to give her his full attention.
"Today, when they ask, do I tell them everything? Is there anything I need to hold back?"
He sighed, "My instinct is yes, you tell them everything, but honestly, I don't know. I don't know every detail of what you went through. No one does but you and I know you can lie to beat the polygraph, but I think it will be beneficial if you are completely honest. There is no precedent; an operative coming in from the cold like you are is a unique event."
Annie nodded and took a pained breath, "I was afraid you would say that."
After obtaining visitors passes and getting through security, a short Hispanic woman came to lead Annie to polygraph. Just as she turned to leave, Arthur placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, his eyes piercing her blank stare, "Today won't be easy, but you can do this Walker. Take it one question at a time." He nodded and gave her a smile that exuded encouragement, "I will see you in a few hours."
Annie forced a smile and mumbled a yes sir before turning to follow her escort down to the polygraph room.
With no way of knowing just how long she had sat in that polygraph room Annie just went with it had been all night. Question after question, they had forced her to re-live the entire event in summary. Sticking to the facts, she left emotion out of the equation. She told the truth, knowing there would be more polygraphs and keeping that many lies straight would be impossible. Once she finally entered the hallway outside the polygraph room she relaxed against the cool wall. Closing her eyes she took a deep breath.
The double doors to her right opened a moment later, "Operative Walker?"
Standing up straight and opening her eyes, Annie saw a man in a suit eyeing her with narrowed grey eyes. The man looked older than Arthur. Short grey hair, he was unassuming and authoritative.
"Yes, I'm Annie Walker."
"I am Dr. Peterson."
Annie laughed through her nose and cocked her head sideways, "My shrink?"
He poked his chin out and crossed his arms, "Lets go with evaluator for now. Follow me please." He motioned in the direction of the door behind him and Annie drug her feet to fall in step with him. It was then she noticed how tall the man was. Easily six feet. They walked silently to the elevator, and silently down the hall on the second floor as they headed to his office.
"Take a seat Miss Walker." He waved her toward an armchair. Sitting she watched him grab his notebook and pen before coming to settle across form her. The clock on his wall said it was a little after 4pm. She had been in polygraph for four hours. It felt longer she mused.
Her eyes scanned his office looking for cues to help her figure him out before he could figure her out. There was only one photo and it was on his desk, facing away from her. According to his diploma, he did his undergraduate and graduate work at Vanderbilt, but the photo of Neyland Stadium told her he was a Vols fan. Good chance he grew up in Tennessee. Consistent with the southern drawl he had in his speech. Wedding band, so married...
"How are you feeling Miss Walker? I know you have had a long day." His question interrupted her thoughts and she met his eyes for a moment before quickly looking away, afraid he would read her mind.
"Feelin just fine."
"Miss Walker, do you know why you're here?"
She sat back into the armchair and crossed her legs propping up an elbow and talking with her hand, "So you can decide if I'm crazy or not?" He raised a coarse grey eyebrow at her, "Okay, no, I don't know. Arthur called it an evaluation."
"That it is. Just an evaluation. My job is to help you sort through everything that happened while you were on your own. Help you re-adjust and assess whether or not you can be cleared for fieldwork."
Annie bit the inside of her cheek.
"So, Miss Walker, how are you feeling?"
She took a deep breath and clasped her hands in her lap, "Uh…kinda tired. Four hours of polygraph questions tend to be pretty draining." Sarcasm laced her voice.
He nodded "I sympathize with you on that. Are you sleeping?"
"Why is everyone so concerned about my sleeping habits?"
"Because, sleep is how your brain and body heal themselves. After a trauma, especially, healthy sleeping habits are important. Are you having a hard time falling asleep, experiencing night terrors, waking up in a panic?"
Despite her attempts to control it she was sure her mouth gaped open for a moment before she responded, "I have nightmares."
"Wanna tell me about them?"
She rolled her eyes and suppressed a yawn, "Well, last night I dreamt about tracking Henry in China, but I woke up before…before I pulled the trigger."
"And how did you feel when you woke up?"
"I don't know, uh….scared maybe. I had grabbed my gun in my sleep. I woke up with it in my hand thinking he had gotten away and was….and was still after us."
"Who is us?"
Annie met his eyes and sighed, "Me, Auggie, Joan, Arthur, the baby, Sana, whoever."
"And you sleep with a gun?"
"Yeah, not anymore. Joan took it away after last night."
"Have you shared these feelings with anyone? Joan, Auggie?" He scratched a quick note onto the paper in his lap, looking up at her with his head down when he said Auggies name.
Almost questioning what gave him the right to assume she would talk to Auggie, she realized this was the CIA and it was almost definitely in her file. "Auggie and I aren't exactly talking. But Joan….I told her about the nightmares. She told me to write them down."
His pen met the notebook paper and he spoke without looking at her, "She is a smart woman. I suggest you continue doing that and bring the notebook with you when you come to sessions."
"Sessions? How many of these will it take before I'm cleared?"
"That is up to you. I expect 6 to 12 weeks, but…"
She interrupted as her anger rose, "No offense but I don't want to wait twelve weeks before I know if I can go into the field or not. I'm still not even sure I want to come back!" The words flew out of her mouth before she could stop them. Her eyes widened and she looked away.
"Go on, Miss Walker, why don't you want to come back?" He spoke calmly, his tone of voice even and controlled.
"Can you not call me Miss Walker? Just call me Annie. Please."
"Okay, Annie, what makes you feel like you don't want to come back?"
Annie rubbed the side of her aching head with her hand, "I don't know…" She paused and looked Dr. Peterson in the eye, "I don't know if I can work for people that I don't trust and that don't trust me."
Dr. Peterson nodded but was silent and contemplative.
Annie decided to take control of the conversation since her therapist seemed out of questions, "So, are you gonna send me to Blue Bonnet?"
"Do you feel like you need to go to Blue Bonnet?"
Her eyes shot up at the unexpected response, "You're asking me?"
"Yes. If you would feel more comfortable at Blue Bonnet, then I can have you sent there."
She silently shook her head, and he leaned forward, "Annie, right now, you need to be surrounded by people who support you and make you feel safe. I don't want you isolated anymore, and that is why I don't think sending you to Blue Bonnet is a good idea."
Annie took a deep breath and nodded as he continued, "I need to know who you do trust?" Her eyes timidly met his "Who are you going to let in? Joan maybe? What makes you feel safe?"
Grasping her hands together she spoke in a quiet voice, "My sister." Tears were threatening to well up in her eyes so she looked at the ceiling and forced them down. "But I do, I trust Joan."
He sat back into his chair, "Your sister thinks you're dead?"
Annie bit her lip and raised both eyebrows, "Yes, she does."
"Hmmm…." He was silent and deep in thought for a moment before closing his notebook. "Well, Annie, it's almost time for you to head upstairs. If I prescribe you an anti-anxiety pill to help you sleep, will you take it?"
"No."
He jotted down another note and Annie thought she saw the glimmer of a grin as he nodded, "Okay." He stood and reached into his pocket, coming out with a business card in his hand, "Here's my card. That emergency number connects you directly to me."
Annie stood and reached to take the card from his hand but he didn't let go.
"Annie, if you need anything, don't hesitate to call."
He released the card and Annie nodded, stuffing it into her pocket.
As Dr. Peterson walked around to sit behind his desk he spoke, "I am diagnosing you with PTSD." He sat and leaned forward onto his elbows, "I suggest you come in on a bi-weekly basis and we can work through this together. But Annie, ultimately it is up to you. You have to decide what you want."
Stuffing her hands in her back pockets she inquired, "What if I don't want to do the therapy sessions?"
"You won't be cleared for field work." He was blunt and candid. "Your escort is waiting for you in the hall by now."
Annie nodded and turned to leave.
"Good luck Annie. Hopefully I will see you soon?"
Standing in the doorway she forced a half smile, "Thank you Dr. Peterson."
Closing the door behind her she let out a sigh.
"Annie Walker." A familiar voice called out her name from a few feet down the hall.
She felt her stomach jump into her throat but managed to respond in a normal tone, "Auggie, it's so good to hear your voice."
"Kinda nice hearing yours echo through these hallways as well." He held out his elbow for her to wrap her arm around, which she did.
"So, you're my escort to the seventh floor?"
"Sure am, just like old times."
Annie chuckled remembering the first time she met Auggie. "So, how did it go in there?"
"Okay. Between the 4 hour poly and the 40 minute shrink session I am all talked out." She dropped the not so subtle hint she wasn't ready to talk about where they stood as a couple. She felt his arm go stiff, but he quickly relaxed and recovered, "How's Joan and the baby?" he asked stopping at the elevator.
Annie pushed the button, "They are great. McKenzie is precious and Joan seems to be handling everything like a pro."
The two of them climbed into the elevator. Annie stood hoping someone would come in with them. No such luck. The doors slid shut and the two of them were alone.
"Annie?"
"Hmm?"
"I know now isn't the time or the place, but we do need to talk, and I, I want you to know that…"
Annie cut him off, "It's okay Auggie. I know we do and we will. I promise. Just not now."
"Okay, but I want you to know I am here for you."
The remainder of the ride and walk to the office of the DNI was awkward and quiet. Auggie attempted to lighten the mood, "Well, here is where I drop you off."
"Thanks Auggie, for everything."
He smiled sadly in her general direction, "You know I would do anything for you."
Annie exhaled, unable to find the words as Auggie turned and left her there. A moment later the secretary came to usher her into the office.
Calder, Arthur, and two men she had seen but never met stood when she entered the room.
Arthur took it upon himself to do the introductions, "Annie, you already know Calder, but this is James Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence, and John Brennan, the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency."
Annie shook their hands in sequence, "It's an honor to meet you both." James was an older man, bald, average height. John was probably Arthurs age, although taller and with more facial hair.
John smiled at her, "No, it is our honor to meet you. We know you've had a long day so we won't keep you. We just wanted the chance to thank you for your service to your country. I know things got messy, but we are grateful for what you have sacrificed."
Annie shook her head dismissively and shrugged her shoulders, "I was just doing my job."
Stepping forward, James interjected, "No, you were doing more than your job. Far more. I know it will be a long rough road, sorting through the aftermath of Henrys scheme, but I think we all can agree when I say we are looking forward to the day you are officially reinstated."
"Thank you sir."
James continued, "And as part of Teo's star ceremony we will also recognize your service to this agency by awarding you the Intelligence Medal of Merit for the second time."
Annie nodded and looked at the floor.
"Annie I know this is hard for you right now, but you understand, especially after an event like this, we need to recognize our heroes."
Meeting his eyes she nodded, "Yes sir, and I am honored."
"Good." Turning his attention to Arthur, James went on, "I know you have a newborn to get home too so I won't keep you."
Arthur nodded and shook hands with the three men. Calder came over and squeezed Annies shoulder, "So, you survived your first polygraph." He motioned towards the door and the two of them stood in the lobby.
"Seem to have."
He narrowed his eyes at her and released her shoulder to cross his arms, "How are you doing?"
"I've been better. But, I'll be okay." She smiled unconvincingly at him as Arthur emerged from the DCIs office.
"Okay Annie, ready to go?"
"Yeup. Night Calder."
"Goodnight Annie."
He watched her walk away wondering if Annie Walker would ever really return.
Chapter 5
One night. Seven pages. At this rate she would have carpal tunnel by the new year, she thought to herself as she thumbed through the pages she had filled. Annie closed the notebook for a third time that night and dropped it into her lap.
The evening before she and Arthur had returned home after 7. They ate takeout, and all headed to bed just before 9. The day out had taken a toll on Arthur's healing body, as a day home alone with the baby had taken a toll on Joan. They were physically exhausted. Annie too had felt drained and thankfully the emotional strain the day had put on her left her feeling numb making it easy for her to fall asleep. To sleep and drift off into nightmare after nightmare.
Since it was just before 5am, Annie decided to start her day. She changed out of Joan's pajamas and into her own black pants, black top, and a pair of crisp clean white socks.
Walking into the bathroom she stared at herself in the mirror for a moment. Realizing the black clip on extensions in her hair had seen better days, she combed through her hair and removed them. The black colour had started to grow out and fade. It was now closer to a dark brown and her blonde roots were becoming more visible. She left her natural hair down and combed straight and exited her bedroom.
The house was silent. No crying baby, no shuffling of feet. The light in the master was out so Annie quietly walked downstairs.
Sitting on the couch, she took to folding the pile of baby blankets, clothes and burp rags that had been taken from the dryer and dumped there the night before. Pulling out a white onesie with airplanes on it she rubbed the soft cotton between her fingers. Observing how small the onesie was she wondered how it was possible she herself was ever that small.
Ever that innocent.
Adding it to the folded pile on the coffee table her gaze fell on the red mark protruding from behind the wine cabinet.
Quickly folding the last few items, she stood and strode across the room. As quietly as she could she removed all the wine bottles from the cabinet and carried it back to where it used to stand on the opposite wall.
Entering the kitchen she searched for something to clean the blood with. Finally she found a bucket and a bottle of dish soap under the sink. She set the bucket in the sink and turned on the faucet, letting it fill with warm water as she searched for a rag.
Annie knelt across from the wall and went to work. It took some time before slowly the stain began to dissolve. When she finally rang out the rag for the last time, the wall looked like new. The monotony of cleaning the wall successfully calmed any remnants of panic leftover from her last nightmare.
Dumping the bucket and washing her hands she went back to the folded clothes to bring them up to the nursery. She smiled to herself as she carried the bundle up the stairs as a feeling of genuine happiness set in. Something about stillness of the morning and the simplicity of the tasks made her feel normal and useful.
As she moved about the room putting the laundry away she saw Joan standing in the doorway. Annie froze and slowly turned to face her.
"Joan, uh...did I wake you up?"
"No, and even if you did it would have been okay. We ran out of diapers in the bedroom and little man just woke up wet." She ran a thumb over his cheek and grinned down at her son. Walking over the changing table she addressed Annie without looking at her, "How did you sleep?"
Annie rolled her eyes behind her blonde bosses back and held in a groan. She knew that question was coming. Only two days into this and she was already tired of being asked how she slept. "Better. I woke up a few times, but I didn't have a hard time falling asleep. I've only been up since 4:30."
Joan chuckled and looked at Annie our of the corner of her eye, "Only." The quick glance was followed by a narrow eyed stare, "Did you cut your hair?"
Shaking her head, "No, I had extensions and...I just felt like taking them out this morning."
Flashing the girl a dimpled smile Joan replied, "Well it looks nice." Annie shrugged and put away the last blanket before leaning against the wall between the door and the changing table. "There ya go McKenzie. Clean and dry." She lifted her son off the table and kissed his perfectly round head. He babbled happily looking up at his mother. Annie couldn't help but smile watching the two of them interact.
Joans attention shifted from her son to her operative and she spoke softly, "Annie?." Hearing her name successfully brought her out the trance McKenzie had put her in and she met Joans eyes, "Can you hold him for a bit? I'm going to go take care of Arthurs bandages and make breakfast."
Annie took the happy baby from Joan, "Hey baby boy"
"He just woke up so he will be playful."
Annie smiled at Joan reassuringly, "I've got this."
"I know" Joan replied walking down the hall.
Two hours later, Arthur and Annie were clearing dishes and Joan had gone upstairs to nurse baby McKenzie. Annie washed and dried, Arthur carried the plates and cups from the dining room a few pieces at a time. Once all the dishes were piled beside Annie he propped himself up in the mudroom door jam leaning against his good arm, "Thank you again for cleaning up the wall. You really didn't have too."
Annie shrugged and kept pushing bubbles around the plate in her hand, "I know, but it was bothering Joan and it was an easy thing to fix so..."
"And it gave you something to do when you woke up at 4am."
"Yeah, that too." She nodded sadly and rinsed the soap off the last plate.
He shifted awkwardly, debating on whether to approach the subject or not. Sensing his awkwardness Annie turned off the water. Drying her hands she pivoted around to face him. There were only a few times she had seen the man speechless, and today she knew what was making him stare at the floor.
Annie crossed her arms and leaned a hip against the kitchen counter, "I have PTSD." The words came out flat and emotionless.
When he met her eyes she expected to see disappointment, but found concern, "I think you kind of knew that already?"
Inhaling and nodding she focused on the wall behind his head.
Joan had snuck downstairs right before Annie turned off the water. The sound of her movements hidden by the sound of the splashing liquid. She knew her dark haired operative had PTSD, but hearing her say it, her empty voice, it made Joans heart ache. She realized they would never know just how much this girl had gone through.
Stepping into the room she broke the silence, "Look who has a happy tummy, a clean bum, and is ready for a nap." She grinned watching her slightly startled husband and operative redirect their attention to her.
Annie watched Arthurs face light up as he walked over to his wife and son giving each a kiss on the cheek.
Looking up at her elated husband Joan spoke with a smile in her voice, "I think today we should give him his first bath?"
Arthur lightly rubbed McKenzie's head and nodded in agreement, "I'm in if you are." He matched Joans wide grin and planted a quick kiss on it.
Looking around her husband she addressed the dark haired girl who was slowly backing out of the room, "Annie, I need to get out of this house. Want to take a walk while this little man sleeps?"
Rubbing her arm with her hand she agreed knowing it wasn't really the innocent suggestion Joan presented it as and DCS or not, it was in Annies best interest to just submit.
Once Arthur was settled on the couch with his son cradled and quickly falling asleep in his good arm the two of them donned trench coats and headed outside.
They walked in tense silence for a couple yards. Every few steps Annie would glance at her former boss expecting her to ask a question, but Joan had already determined letting Annie carry the conversation would be best. She didn't want to force Annie to talk and accidentally push too far making her shut down.
So they walked, side by side.
Walking but getting nowhere.
Silence no longer bothered Annie. For months Annie had lived in silence, no one to talk too, but the heaviness of what needed to be said made this particular period of silence impossibly uncomfortable.
The timing of Joan's need to get out of the house was too much of a coincidence. Annie deduced the woman had heard her tell Arthur about Dr. Petersons' diagnosis.
Annie took a deep breath, watching the little cloud it formed in front of her, "My shrink, Dr. Peterson, said your notebook thing was a good idea and I should keep it up."
Giving Annie a polite smile and a nod Joan kept walking and waiting for Annie to open up.
"You heard me tell Arthur in the kitchen didn't you?"
Joan didn't look at her, didn't say anything she just nodded.
"He wants me to come back for more sessions, says I can't get reinstated without his stamp of approval." She frustratedly spit the words out of her mouth. "I don't understand why I have to deal with this."
Joan looked over at her, "Annie, you went through more than I can imagine and PTSD isn't a death sentence. Dr. Peterson, Arthur and I, we just want to make sure you are okay. "
Annie shook her head in frustration, "That's not what I mean."
Joan leaned her head forward as she walked and forced the dark haired girl beside her to meet her eyes. The frustration in the Annies eyes had changed to anger, anger that was aimed at herself. Without saying a word Joan coerced the girl to elaborate.
"I'm not the first operative to go off the grid, not the first to do deep cover work. You can't tell me they all end up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a red flag on their personnel file." Joan opened her mouth to comment but Annie went on, shoving her hands in her pockets and speaking forcefully, "Helen didn't have PTSD. She didn't struggle with wanting to come back, or anything else for that matter. I just don't understand why this is happening to me. I thought when I got on that boat out of Hong Kong it was over..." Annie turned her gaze from the road ahead to the ground passing beneath her feet, "...maybe it will never be over."
Joan felt sympathy watching the broken girl beside her. They arrived at a nearby park, and Joan led them to a bench to sit in front of the lake using the time to formulate her words.
"Annie..." she requested the girls full attention after they both settled onto the bench, "...you can't compare your experience to Helens, or anyone elses."
"But she..."
Waving a hand and raising her eyebrows, she cut Annie off, "You were completely isolated. Completely cut off from everyone, even the three people who knew you were alive. Correct?"
Annie nodded.
"You have to remember, Helen was grounded here. She had consistent contact with Arthur and Teo. Unlike you, she had someone to go too when a mission didn't go as planned. She wasn't alone, calling her own shots, making all of her own decisions, she had a support system. You and Helen had completely different experiences going dark, and you have got to stop comparing yourself to her."
Annie grasped the edge of her coat and fiddled with the material. "You said she wanted to come in from the cold?"
"Yes, she did."
Turning her head she faced Joan, a pained look on her face, "Did she tell you why?"
Joan poked her bottom lip out, "No, that was none of my business. But I have a feeling that is a conversation you need to have with Auggie, not me."
With a nasally chuckle Annie turned away, her rolling eyes coming to rest on the still water in front of her. "What if...unlike her, I..." she drug every word out, afraid of Joans response, "...what if I don't want to come back? What if I want to be done with the CIA?"
She slowly and timidly turned her eyes to meet Joans half expecting her to be fierce with anger, but she looked un-phased.
"The agency would miss your presence in more ways than one. Personally I would be sad. You have become an incredible operative and I would be sad to never know how far you could've gone. And... I would miss you. On that same note tho, I don't want you to torture yourself, and life would go on without you."
Annie took a deep breath, "I told Dr. Peterson I wasn't sure if I wanted to come back. I told him it was because I didn't want to work for people I don't trust and who don't trust me, but, I think its more that...I, I don't trust myself."
"Why not?"
Annie chuckled awkwardly and turned her face away from Joan to hide the tears forming in her eyes, "Uhhmmm, because I don't know who I am. Annie or Jessica or...? Jessica Matthews was my cover name."
"Nice name."
"Thanks" she replied with a dry laugh before pausing to and explaining, "So much has changed, I don't know if I can be the same Annie Walker ever again."
"You can't be." Her blunt response caught Annies undivided attention.
"It's true. Life changes us. Before you went dark, you weren't the same Annie Walker that walked into my office a few years ago as a clueless, naive, emotional, very green, and very stubborn agent. I'm not belittling the effect the past few months have had on you because it was an extraordinary circumstance, but you are still Annie Walker. A different version yes, but..." Joan paused and took a deep breath, "...the way your actions bother you, the way despite being completely justified killing Henry sits a little wrong with you, tells me you are human. Tells me you take this seriously. The fact you faked your death and did all this alone also tells me you are still so damn stubborn." Annie couldn't help but grin at that. "...and it tells me at the core of who you are, you are indeed the same person. Our experiences shape us, Annie your experience has shaped you, not crushed you." Joan swallowed and looked Annie in the eye with an intense glare, "It only crushes you if you let it."
Silent tears fell down Annies face and she took a deep shaky breath in an attempt to control them.
Joan stood and extended a hand to help Annie up, "You're going to make it through this."
Annie nodded as they started the walk home.
"How much you wanna bet McKenzie is gonna have a messy diaper when we get back?"
Annie laughed heartily wiping away her tears, "I think it's a safe bet. He will definitely need that bath."
"If Arthur tried to change it with one hand they will both need a bath."
The two women laughed hysterically.
At 9:30 that night, Arthur re-entered his bedroom after grabbing a stack of diapers from the nursery. His eyes fell on his wife laying on her side, head propped up in her hand, long blonde hair hanging like a veil around their sons face as she kissed his nose and spoke softly to him.
Joan looked up and acknowledged his presence.
Dropping the diapers on the night stand he scooted himself onto the bed and Joan picked up baby McKenzie so she could snuggle into her husbands good side. Arthur wrapped his strong right arm around her and kissed her cheek.
"Arthur, he is growing so fast." She whispered as she rubbed his tiny foot in her hand.
Arthur kissed her on the neck, "Babies tend to do that Joan."
"Mmm...I just want him to stay little forever." She turned her head over so she could see her husbands face. "I know what you mean" he said before covering her lips with his.
"How was your walk with Annie?"
Joan nodded, "Good. It was good. I'm surprised she trusts me with all of this, but I'm also relieved she does….she is thinking about quitting."
"Quitting the CIA?"
"Mhmm."
Arthur sighed, "I guess that shouldn't surprise me…" Turning his attention to his son who was happily gurgling he bent over and kissed him on the forehead before whispering into his ear, "You sir can be anything you want to be. Except a spy."
Joan gazed at her husband and son adoringly. As Arthur leaned back she moved to get out of the bed.
"Where are you two going?"
"He falls asleep faster if I walk around with him. And we have a big day tomorrow, so we all need to sleep." She said targeting her statement at Arthur.
"Yes ma'am" He said laying against the pillows and watching her with one eye shut.
Joan rolled her eyes and started walking baby McKenzie to sleep.