Living All These Years Without Her

by jennaegg

The admiral wanted to protect her family. She wanted to have a future, and for that she had to go the past. This is an Endgame fixer. I tried to keep as much canon as possible. There's angst, but there's also a happy ending.

"I know it wasn't easy living all these years without her, Chakotay. But when I'm through, things might be better for all of us. Trust me."

I stood from his grave, this man who had stood by me through so many things, and I walked away. I couldn't look back, or I would never have left.

Over the next few days, I ordered everything in my life and set out for a journey that was bound to cause headaches, heartache, and hopefully healing. It was most likely the last thing I would ever do. I was fine with that. It's not like these last couple decades have been much living. Mostly I have just been surviving – fulfilling one more obligation to my crew. At this point there isn't much sacrifice because there isn't anything worth my time or heart anymore.

Life can be a cruel mistress. Flying towards Korath, I thought this again. Throughout hard times in my life, this thought has become a mantra. An absolute. I remember the times it rang out. Every time my father missed a birthday or special event. When he was ripped away from me after we had become close in my adult years. Watching him and my fiancé sink to their deaths – knowing I couldn't save them. And so many unthinkable things that the bile in my stomach won't allow me to think about. Life is indeed a cruel mistress.

…Star…..Trek…Voyager…..

I came so far only to be thwarted by a Klingon with no honor. No. No, that simply wouldn't do. I realized that Korath hadn't figured out that I have nothing left to lose. I have no pride to fall back on – only humility and pain.

And so I stole. And not for one second did I feel bad.

With a final goodbye to sweet Harry, I sped off to the past.

"Recalibrate your deflector to emit an anti-tachyon pulse. You have to seal that rift."
"It's usually considered polite to introduce yourself before you start giving orders." I forgot how impertinent my younger self was. Coming from someone else, it might have been funny, but I remember how I was after seven years in the trenches. I had forgotten what it was like to take orders.
"Captain, a Klingon vessel is coming through."
"Close the rift. In case you didn't notice, I outrank you, Captain. Now do it." I can see the faces of the bridge crew when I utter the last two words. I know some doubt is alleviated by them because they came from my counterpart's mouth so often.
"I did what you asked. Now tell me what the hell is going on."

"I've come to bring Voyager home." I feel a little of my long forgotten pride bubbling below the surface. That small tingle is the most alive I have felt in years… decades really.

And so I sit through the necessary identity check, but not before I see in front of me a face I had only seen in my dreams for far too long. Chakotay, with his dimples and dark brown eyes, stood there looking confused but up for the challenge – as I knew he would be.

And that was only the beginning of a more bitter than sweet walk down memory lane. With each greeting, I realize that my timeline is nonexistent. But the pain I am living with is still real to me, even though no one else will have to suffer it as I have. All these people who became my family aren't suffering as I am, and now they never will.

…Star…..Trek…Voyager…..

Walking down the hallway with my younger self, I know she's going to have me give details of the heartache I have endured through the years. Even though I don't want to, I know at this point there is no other way. She has to feel the pain to make the painful choices. That's how I've been since I was seven years old. The first birthday my dad didn't make it home.

"I want to know why you didn't tell me about this." And here we go.
"Because I remember how stubborn and self-righteous I used to be. I figured you might try to do something stupid."
"We have an opportunity to deal a crippling blow to the Borg. It could save millions of lives." But destroy yours in the process, I wanted to scream, but I know myself. That wouldn't help.
"I didn't spend the last ten years looking for a way to get this crew home earlier, so you could throw it all away on some intergalactic goodwill mission."
"Maybe we should go back to Sickbay."
"Why, so you can have me sedated?"
"So I can have the Doctor reconfirm your identity. I refuse to believe I'll ever become as cynical as you." Good one younger self. It's probably meant to sting, but words stopped hurting me a long time ago.
"Am I the only one experiencing deja vu here?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Seven years ago you had the chance to use the Caretaker's array to get Voyager home. Instead, you destroyed it."
"I did what I knew was right."
"You chose to put the lives of strangers ahead of the lives of your crew. You can't make the same mistake again."
"You got Voyager home, which means I will too. If it takes a few more years then that's"
"Seven of Nine is going to die."
"What?"
"Three years from now. She'll be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager, and die in the arms of her husband."
"Husband?"
"Chakotay. He'll never be the same after Seven's death, and neither will you."
"If I know what's going to happen, I can avoid it." I can see the pain in her eyes that cuts so deep. I know it's reflected in my own. It's a pain I've felt for almost 30 years. Then almost imperceptibly she mouths "Terra Nova" which is a path we can't afford to go down until we have a solution to our current problem.
"Seven isn't the only one. Between this day and the day I got Voyager home, I lost twenty two crew members. And then of course there's Tuvok."
"What about him?"
"You're forgetting the Temporal Prime Directive, Captain."
"The hell with it."
"Fine. Tuvok has a degenerative neurological condition that he hasn't told you about. There's a cure in the Alpha Quadrant, but if he doesn't get it in time. Even if you alter Voyager's route, limit your contact with alien species, you're going to lose people. But I'm offering you a chance to get all of them home safe and sound today. Are you really going to walk away from that?"

My younger self went her way, and I went mine. I knew she needed space. She also needed to make sure I was telling the truth about the things she could check on. I immediately turned on my heels and found my way to Cargo Bay 2 to see Seven.

"I appreciate your candor, Admiral, but Captain Janeway is my commanding officer. I won't disobey her."
"I'm not asking you to. I simply want you to tell her that in your opinion, destroying the hub is too risky, the cost too high."
"I can't do that."
"Even if it means avoiding the consequences I mentioned?"
"Now that I know about those consequences, they're no longer a certainty. But even if they were, my death would be a small price to pay for the destruction of the transwarp network." I know that is her guilt talking. She still feels the need to atone for all the atrocities she committed as a Borg. The countless assimilations. The paths of destruction.
"I have known you for a long time, Seven. Longer than you've known yourself. You are thinking that collapsing the network is an opportunity to atone for atrocities you participated in while you were a drone. It's time to let go of the past and start thinking about your future."
"My future is insignificant compared to the lives of the people we'd be saving."
"You're being selfish."
"Selfish? I'm talking about helping others."
"Strangers in a hypothetical scenario. I'm talking about real life. Your colleagues, your friends, people who love you. Imagine the impact your death would have on them." What it did to me. You are like a daughter to me Seven. Can't you see in my eyes how much pain I felt when you died. Knowing that I had let my child down, again.
"Excuse me, Admiral. I have work to complete."

…Star…..Trek…Voyager…..

I'm still sitting in the mess hall after telling my younger self to get some rest before we kick some Borg ass. Coffee fills me with a sense of contentment. I know I can beat the Borg with just a little black coffee. Especially since it means that I will be protecting my family.

Gazing out the window, I once again see my destiny. I know that tomorrow will be my last new day. And I'm absolutely fine with that.

I hear the door swish open behind me and know instantly who it is, and I also sense the mood he is in.

"How dare you!"

"Hi. Chakotay." I don't turn towards him which I know is bound to rile him up.

"You had no right to interfere like that. You're just as manipulative as ever."

"I have done nothing out of manipulation, Commander. Only out of love."

"You have no idea what love is."

He begins to turn away when he hears my intake of breath. I thought my Admiral's mask couldn't slip, but I had honestly forgotten how much Chakotay could cut me to the quick. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, I finally spoke.

"I thought you knew me better than that."

"I know my Kathryn, but I don't understand you."

"We're the same. Her and me. She's just a lot better at concealing her feelings."

"Why did you do it Admiral? If not for manipulation, then why? You say it's for love, but I can't figure that one out."

"I love Seven like my own daughter, Chakotay. I always have. I wasn't lying when I said that people were hurt by her death. Me and you primarily."

"Your daughter?" Chakotay seems stuck on that point which, quite frankly, surprises me.

"I never had one of my own." I pause to work past the lump in my throat. "I poured everything into her. I would have given my very own life for her. In the end, I am."

"Then why did you hurt her by saying those things?"

"You've never hurt anyone you love?"

As soon as I see the change in his eyes, I knew I had said the wrong thing. No taking it back though.

"Not on purpose."
"Your dad."

At this point, I was begging for a fight. I knew it, but I had been hurt and angry for three decades, and I wanted him to match my ire.

"That's one of my biggest regrets. I ruined every chance I ever had with him, but it wasn't on purpose. At the time, I thought it was better than us being together and learning to hate each other."

"No you didn't. You were a petulant child. You wanted your way, and you took it."

"Funny coming from someone who was willing to change history in order to get her way."

"You have no clue what I have been through, Chakotay. You can't begin to understand what hells I have fought through to come back here."

"Tell me then, oh mighty Kathryn. What unbelievable pain could you have felt that has warranted the pain you have brought here?"

Instead of the long accepted anger, I feel incredibly hurt by his nonchalant attitude. I know I brought it on myself, but I never would've expected Chakotay capable of being so conniving."

"When I was 22, I"

"Is there a short version?"

"Sure. Every single time I have felt any sort of joy in my life, it has been ripped away from me. Now excuse me Commander."

I start to stand from the seat. I know that tears are right behind my eyelids, and my resolve is fading. I hadn't meant to get so upset, but I guess so many years with no outlet is an unhealthy way to live.

I walk three steps before I crumple to the floor in a pile of red, black, pips, and tears. Once again I have taken Chakotay by surprise. In seven years, through some of the worst conditions, he has never once seen me cry.

Chakotay crouches beside me but offers no physical comfort.

"When you were 22?"

I try to take a couple calming breaths. Knowing that I am going to die tomorrow makes what I'm about to say a deathbed confession, but I know I don't want to die with so much unsaid.

"When I was 22, I was in a shuttle with my father and my fiancé Justin. It crashed on Tau Ceti Prime. I watched both of them sink beneath the ice, and I couldn't do anything. I watched the two men who held my heart die that day. I was rescued eight hours later with two broken legs, a couple broken ribs, and a pretty severe concussion. I remember seeing my mom. Her light was gone from her eyes. Everything that made her happy seemed to have been taken away, and I knew exactly how she was feeling. I laid in my bed for months feeling so much guilt. I ran scenario after scenario in my head just thinking about what I could've done differently. I kept coming up empty."

I could see the empathy on his face, but this story wasn't new to him. I told him all of that during a moonlight sail on Lake George after I almost died. But there was so much he didn't know – so much I have to tell him.

"After about two months, I started feeling really sick. I thought it was just another manifestation of my grief, but after almost two weeks I made myself go to the doctor."

I can see his curiosity, but I am beginning to think that I shouldn't have started this tale. I've never told another living soul. My mother, Gretchen, and my sister, Phoebe, are the only ones who know how this one ends.

"She ran her tests, took my hand and told me I was pregnant."

I can see the shock on Chakotay's face, but he remains silent.

"It had happened the day before our fateful crash. I went home in tears and told my mom and my sister. They were so excited. I tried to be, honestly, but I couldn't. I just kept in bed. Nothing was different except for my mom's diligence about me eating. A week before the four month mark I had a miscarriage. I"

I broke down in tears again. For the first time in half a century, I cried about my daughter.

"She died. And it was my fault. My depression killed my daughter. No one said that, but I knew it was true. Once again, I saw life slip away, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. This time I can. I can save my daughter. I can save my family."

Chakotay is still, and I know it's because he agrees that I killed my baby. It's my fault that she never got the chance at a life.

"But that's only the beginning. Did I ever tell you the name of that shuttle, Chakotay?"

Chakotay says nothing. He only shakes his head. By this point he is sitting cross legged on the floor beside me, looking for all the world as if he's going nowhere.

"Terra Nova. New Earth. It took everything away from me. When we were on that planet together, and you told me you wanted to name it New Earth, I thought it was a cosmic joke. A very cruel cosmic joke. I lived there, and every day I felt a little better about the situation. But the real sell was the bathtub. When I saw that tub, I thought that fate had finally decided to give me something back from New Earth. Something it had taken from me. Then Tuvok hailed us. And once again, New Earth destroyed who I was. For seven years my counterpart has been dealt bad news in the Delta Quadrant, and for decades before that, she's been dealing with bad news from the Alpha Quadrant. But the worst is yet to come."

Chakotay's face pales, and I can see him trying to work out what could possibly be worse then what I have already told him.

"A year and a half from now in my timeline, you ask me to perform a simple wedding ceremony for you and Seven. As Captain, I agree to perform my duty. And you know what day that blessed ceremony was set for? The 20th anniversary of the day I lost my daughter. That day, 20 years apart, I lost both of my daughters. And you."

The last two words were quiet, but I knew he heard them.

"I stood there while you married her. I married her to you. I gave you both away and chalked my pain up to life being cruel, just as I always had before. A little over a year later, she died in a rescue mission on a planet's surface. There was a Borg attack, and she wanted to help the innocents. She died still feeling guilty about being a Borg. And you hated me. You were mad that I let her go because you had just found out you were expecting your first child. Only, I didn't authorize for her to go, but I never told you that. I was more comfortable with you believing it was me, and hating me, than I was with you ever hating Seven. Then three weeks before we made it home, you took a hypospray and killed yourself."

His face showed a mixture of surprise and belief. Chakotay knew he couldn't have dealt with making it home without his family.

"In my quarters. I found you, Chakotay. With a padd telling me I had ruined your life. A letter about how I had taken everything that mattered to you. Those were your final words to me."

Now Chakotay looked shocked. He also looked like he was about to be sick, so I quickly finished my story.

"I got home, became an Admiral and have been miserable every day since. It was not about manipulation Chakotay. I just didn't want my future to be yours."

"I'm sorry Kathryn. Even though it wasn't me, it was. I know how much those words hurt you."

"I'm not the only one who became cynical as the years went by Chakotay. I think it's that you honestly believed I didn't love you. The only problem is, I've never stopped. Ever since I saw that bathtub. I couldn't stop loving you. Now I'm going to die so you can be happy."

"I can't date Seven. I couldn't do anything to hurt you. I have stopped thinking you loved me, but I can't do this if I know that you do."
"I know. Before I left, I visited you. I told you I knew how hard it was to live without her. I was talking about Kathryn. For so long, I was only the captain. I was too tired of being hurt. I came back for all of us, but I was selfish, too. I came back for me just as much. I deserve a chance."

I kissed Chakotay on the cheek and left him sitting there on the floor.

…Star…..Trek…Voyager…..

The trip through the transwarp hub was rough, but it was worth it to see the other Federation ships welcoming us home. For seven years I had fought against the demons of the Delta Quadrant, and finally I'm home. I expected Chakotay to be standing beside Seven, but when I turn away from the viewscreen he is standing beside me. Before I know what's going on, he sweeps me up and brings his head to my ear.

"I love you Kathryn. When we get home, it will be like a new Earth."

I knew, at that moment, that my older self had talked to him, too. I looked at him as he held me suspended so that I was at his face level. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I kissed him. Right there on the bridge, in front of my senior staff, I kissed the man I had loved for the better part of a decade.

"I love you, too. Always."

I was content to stay there until I heard cheers from all around me. Harry had flipped on audio from the bridge, so the whole crew heard the moment we were finally honest with each other.

"I hate to interrupt this moment, Captain, but I have someone I'd really like to meet down in sickbay." Tom Paris said with more jubilance in his voice than I had ever heard before.

"Of course, Tom. You'd better get down there."

"Chakotay, the helm. Meet me in my ready room as soon as Tom's replacement makes it the bridge."

…Star…..Trek…Voyager…..

"May I have everyone's attention, please. Ten years ago tonight, this crew returned home from the longest away mission in Starfleet's history. Seven years together made you a family, one I'm proud to have been adopted by. Let's raise our glasses to the journey."

Barclay was one of the family, especially after ten years of get togethers and memories.
"To the journey."
"And to those who aren't here to celebrate it with us. I look at all of you and think once again about how much the Admiral gave us all. Mostly me. She gave me a beautiful life, a family and a future."

"The Admiral." Resounded throughout the room. Every single glass was raised to the woman who had finally stopped their beloved Captain's sacrificing. Those closest to her knew the more intimate details of her life and of the pain she had experienced throughout.

"Katie, I'm going to take the kids home. They're exhausted. Edward is practically sleeping in my arms."

Kathryn looked at her mom carrying her youngest child in her arms. She knew the Admiral hadn't seen her mother again because she had died in a transport accident a year before she made it home. She also knew it was unexpected since people lived to be so much older. She always believed that she would see her mom again.

It was just another blow she had to live with – another reason she came back and rescued them all.

"Okay, momma. Katya and Elizabeth are around here somewhere. Now that Katya is nine, I know she'll want to stay. Let her. But Elizabeth and Eddie do need to get to bed."

"Aye, captain."

"Get my crewmen home."

"Yes, sir."

"That was too far. I'll see you in a couple hours. I'm going dance to with my gorgeous husband and then make the rounds."

"What about your gorgeous husband?"

"Let's dance."

After a few rounds on the floor, the silence surrounding Kathryn's contemplative mood was broken.

"When we were getting ready to defeat the Borg, Harry said it was the journey, and we said it again tonight. I'm just so glad my journey led me to you."

"As am I. You have given me everything I lost before this journey ever began. A family, a home, and peace."

"You have given me all of those things and more. You gave me what I never thought I would have. You gave me three beautiful children and a loving husband."

"To the journey." Chakotay whispered before his lips descended lovingly on his wife.

"To the journey." They both repeated before walking off the dance floor arm in arm.