The call had been breathless, a constant stream of excitement saturated in fear. Cory's words had ran into each other, until they were one jumbled sentence, announcing Topanga's labour. Now Shawn stood, hours later, darkness still blanketing a sleeping New York City whilst the hospital was a hive of activity, but the people rushing around were blurred into his background. Shawn only had eyes for them.
The duo that had become a trio as the baby girl entered the world on this cold December morn. Another factor in the budding sense of adulthood that locked him out. Another divider to mark him, something else to ache for but never own. For although he'd held that tiny bundle, felt her solid weight in his arms, and smiled down at her scrunched up face, he knew Riley Matthews was merely another slice of normalcy that he could never have. Like the wife, the house, the family pet. He was still stranded in a trailer park, abandoned and alone, desperately trying to grasp onto that love, that security. That stability that eluded him no matter how hard he grappled. He couldn't get past the damn Eskimo.
Topanga, lay exhausted on the bed, eyes rimmed black with lack of sleep, but they shimmered with an unspeakable joy, and Cory, his face radiated the same overwhelming happiness.
He so desperately wanted to mirror that, but he couldn't. All he felt was that black hole, that hole that never filled, that hole that seared him, loneliness that burned him up, reminded him that he'd never have the wife or kids. That he was too screwed up. Too lone wolf. Too much of a burden. Life experience had taught him, he was manageable, but only in small doses. His father flitted in and out, his mother up and left, he only managed to stay with the Matthews for three weeks before they were sick of him. He had that personality. He dragged everyone down with his issues. Babies were too fragile for that weight. They were perfect, and they needed to remain that way. They needed their parents undivided attention, they demanded it.
There'd be no room for Shawn. And he wouldn't want it any other way.
Kids should come first.
And as he booked the first flight out of NYC, Shawn ensured they would do.
He was selfish to be selfless.
He ran from his pain, to give them some peace. For his own sake as much as theirs, knowing the ache of being a part from his two best friends would be less than the agony of confronting the happy family life that still didn't exist for him.