INT MICHAELS OFFICE
Michael sits at his desk, meeting with his new intern,
April, a pale, dark-haired college student.
MICHAEL
SO... What made you choose Dunder Mifflin for your internship?
APRIL
I heard it would lead me to commit suicide the fastest.
MICHEAL
(laughs weakly, clears throat,
obviously uncomfortable now)
Aren't you a funny one... Any who,
What's your favorite thing about paper.
Like for me, it has to be the limited..less possibilities of it.
APRIL
I like it because it burns.
MICHEAL
Why don't I show you to your desk...
INT. OFFICE SPACE
April has made herself comfortable at Dwight's desk, and is surfing the web
on his computer. No one questions her actions.
ENTER DWIGHT
DWIGHT
(Outraged as he sees a stranger at his desk)
EXCUSE ME! What is the meaning of this! This is my desk! Do you not see the name plate?
Dwight picks up his nameplate and shoves it in April's face.
APRIL (silent)
DWIGHT
I am the assistant regional-
JIM
Assistant to the-
DWIGHT
SHUT UP JIM!
(glares at April)
Miss, I DEMAND you exit my desk or else I will have no other choice than to reprimand you myself.
MICHAEL, bothered by the noise, exits his office to inspect the disturbance.
MICHAEL
What's with all the commotion?
DWIGHT
This small female has taken residence at my desk and refuses to move!
April looks at Micheal with a sinister smile.
MICHAEL
How about we just leave her be...
You can take the empty desk.
Dwight angrily throws his briefcase on the empty desk.
DWIGHT (Muttering angrily)
This is an outrage. I've worked at this company for YEARS! And how do they thank me? By giving my desk away to some inferior female. How shall I defend us from attackers if I can't see the door! I hope you all like dying, because there's no way you'll survive without me protecting you!
JIM
(Jim leans towards April and extends his hand)
Hi, I'm Jim. Sorry about Dwight.
He's kind of nuts. Very serious about his self defense.
APRIL
(Eagerly shakes Jim's hand with a huge grin on her face,
borderline creepy)
April Hitler, pleased to meet you!
Jim looks at camera, confused.
JIM Alright then... What brings you to Dunder Mifflin?
APRIL I vas brought to kill and conquer.
For ze Motherland! Hail Deutschland!
Dwight stares at April with a look of amazement and curiosity.
OFFICE SPACE: MID AFTERNOON
Michael exits his office to make an announcement.
MICHAEL
Alright everybody! Conference room,
two minutes!
Depressed office comradery fills the air, as every begrudgingly makes their way to the conference room. Dwight purposefully sits in the back next to April.
MICHEAL Alright gang. I just got off the phone with corporate, and it looks like our quarterly sales are at an all time low! So I thought we should have a group brainstorm sesh, You know, to get ideas flowing. Anyone, anyone at all have anything? Anyway to boost our sales?
PHYLLIS (weakly)
Well I think it might help if we had fewer parties...
MICHEAL
What are you talking about! We've barely had any!
PHYLLIS
Well there was that one last week.
With all the cats.
MICHEAL
That doesn't count! National Cat Video Day happens once a year. If we don't celebrate it then, then what is even the point of those furballs? They should be celebrated for being so watchable and hilarious!
ANGELA
Amen! Everyone gives cats a bad rap.
OSCAR
Well, Michael, it might have helped the sales staff if you hadn't made us spend six hours discussing whether or not National Treasure was real.
MICHAEL Fine Oscar, but when I find the city of gold you can eat your words.
Oscar shakes his head at the camera.
MICHAEL
We need some fresh ideas. How about you, temp! April. Got any ideas?
APRIL
(irritated and bored)
Why don't we call people who don't have paper and then try to sell them some?
MICHAEL
Haha! You're very quick witty, er,
witted. Quick wick. Wit. Now for a real idea. How do we really convince people to buy paper?
(Imitates Godfather) How do we 'Give them an offer they can't refuse.'
APRIL (Energetic and excited)
Well, if you want people to buy something, you have to sell them something they want. So we could call people and tell them we have kidnapped their children and are holding them hostage in the warehouse, and if they ever want to see them again they have to buy paper.
Everyone is the conference room is painfully silent
MICHAEL
Alright... Let's all just get back to work.
Everyone begins to leave, but DWIGHT stops APRIL in the conference room.
DWIGHT
Listen Temp.
APRIL
Ms. Hitler.
DWIGHT
Whatever. I'm impressed with you.
And I think you could be useful to my cause.
APRIL
Which is?
DWIGHT
You know Jim? In our clump?
APRIL
The stupid goofball with a big nose?
DWIGHT
Exactly. Well, Jim thinks its funny to mess with me, mainly because it gets the attention of the receptionist. I think we should form an alliance and take him down.
APRIL
What's in it for me?
DWIGHT
My respect. And the satisfaction of vanquishing an enemy.
April salutes
APRIL
I accept.
INT. OFFICE SPACE: LATER THAT DAY
Jim gets up from his desk and strolls to the break room to get more coffee.
DWIGHT (
Dwight makes eye contact with APRIL and nods curtly)
April discreetly gets up from her desk and knees next to Jim's chair, pretending to tie her shoe. She slowly removes the back wheel from his chair and hides it in a drawer.
Jim returns to his desk with the coffee. He sits down, and proceeds to lean in his chair, falling backward and spilling coffee down his shirt.
DWIGHT
HAHAHA! Take that! Looks like revenge is best served hot and wet!
MICHEAL (Runs out of his office)
That's what she said! Jim, did you forget how to drink coffee?
JIM
Ha ha. Very funny. Dwight here decided it would funny to take the wheels off my chair.
MICHEAL
Is that true Dwight?
DWIGHT
Yes, but April helped!
APRIL
Why would I do that! Jim never did anything to me! I don't even like it here to begin with.
MICHEAL Dwight, as your punishment, you have to publicly apologize to Jim in front of everyone.
DWIGHT Never! Jim is my subordinate!
JIM Actually, Michael, I have an idea.
OFFICE SPACE: END OF WORKDAY
Everyone filters out of the office, eager to head home. Jim leaves his desk, and turns to show the camera that he is wearing Dwight's signature mustard shirt. Dwight hurries out, wearing nothing but his suit jacket and tie.
THE END