A/N: Whilst praying to every deity in known human history that I wouldn't suffocate on my own snot in my sleep, I was on Netflix, rewatching my favorite shows. And by that, I mean watching crappy 2004 rom-coms and Phineas & Ferb. My favorite episodes of that show are Excaliferb and Nerds of A Feather, so i decided to combine elements of those two to make up a totally new story. When this failed after 5 minutes, one sneezing fit, 2 paragraphs, and a 6 hour nap on my keyboard, I wrote this one instead yesterday.

Disclaimer: Horse In A Bookcase was a majesty of a TV show, and it never should have been cancelled. Also, this show does not belong to me.

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz strutted down the hallway of the library, decked out in her usual Vampire-pilgrim-scuba-diver-goth outfit. Today, like many others, was a brisk summer day in July, and she'd volunteered to read to a group of kindergartners, a suggestion by one of her mother's friends from cooking class to get her out of the house more. And so, it had been decided within minutes, with no word from herself to argue.

The class of children grinned merrily and settled down from chatting amongst themselves as she walked in and sat down in the chair, holding her storybook tightly. However, as she was brushing her hair out of her face and getting ready to read, a slight disturbance caught her eye. It was her father, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, waltzing directly towards the group of children with a big, cheesy, fatherly smile on his face. Vanessa sighed deeply and covered her face with one hand as he approached closer and called out to her as she did.

"Vanessa! Oh, Vanessa! Vanessa, is it you? Well, yeah, of course it is. I mean, it'd be weird if I just ran up to some random girl and starting yelling my own daughter's name, right? Yes, yes, it would."

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but... Dad, what the heck are you doing here?" She asked, a bit more concerned than annoyed. "Please tell me this isn't for some kind of book-inator or something."

"Wh- a book-inator? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, seriously, can you believe how pointless that would be?" He asked both her and the children. "Besides, I couldn't make any inators if I tried. You see, OWCA has put me on parole, and attached this little bracelet to my leg that goes off whenever I attempt anything evil." He shook the metal ankle bracelet in her face, and then put it down, rolling his eyes.

"Like, look at this," He stepped back, cleared his throat, and put on a menacing demeanor. "Ah, Perry the platypus! You're just in time to see my…" And then, the ankle bracelet flashed green and started blaring a cutesy pop song. Both she and the small class stared in disbelief at him and his leg as the tune played for 30 seconds and painfully faded out. "You see that? You hear it? I mean, it's not even the elevator music version, it's that mediocre!" He sighed and sat down criss-cross with the other kids. "Man, it's got me bummed." One of the little girls handed him a juice box, and he took it, taking a gentle sip.

Vanessa empathized with him, or at least she assumed that's what that feeling was. Maybe it was pity, but she couldn't fully be sure. She cleared her throat and brushed a stray hair out of her face, gaining the attention of everyone seated in front of her. "Well, I guess then you're just in time to hear our story, dad. It's a story about beautiful princesses, and evil sorcerers, and family, and maybe a weird musical number or two."

One of the girls raised her hand, and sweetly asked "Will it have vampires?"

"Maybe," Vanessa said, as another kid raised his hand. "What about dinosaurs?" he asked, his eyes lighting up.

"I dunno!" she replied again. This time, Dr. Doofenshmirtz raised his hand, waving it frantically so that she would notice him. "Ah, yes, hello? What about witches' spells and wood trolls?" He asked, cupping his hands around his mouth. "I guess we'll all have to find out, now won't we?" She said, as she opened up the book. Clearing her throat once more, she began to read he epic tale, which may or may not include vampires, dinosaurs, witches' spells, and wood trolls.