A.N. Purely crack for a mini crack fic competition for the Daily Prophet in the Quidditch League Fanfcition Competition.

Warning: Please read another fic before you go to sleep, or the introduction of the Crack fic may stay in your brain for awhile, causing strange dreams.

You have been warned.

(498 words)

Draco was on an adventure to gather highland kelp, his favourite food. He was going to award himself after entering into the cult of DE, aka Draco Enthusiasts.

The Draco Enthusiasts trailed behind Draco, commenting on his coffee-coloured jumper. They all wanted to take a piece of it home with them. Draco found the highland kelp at last within a trunk. As he pulled out the squealing plant, all of the Draco Enthusiasts sat down and watched. The kelp reminded him of Harry Potter in which he began to brood angrily. This was done by tearing at the kelp, ripping it apart and swallowing it.

Whole.

"He is such a badass!" Yaxley whispered to Dolohov.

Dolohov nodded in agreement, "I heard yesterday, Bellatrix asked him if he could flush the toilet after going to the washroom...and he said 'no'!"

"He is such a risk taker!" Selwyn gasped from nearby. "I wish he would just look at me…"

"You don't know what you say!" Yaxley admonished. "To have his eyes upon you, it is a blessing but a curse for your heart might just stop."

"But to have him look this way...I would die for him."

Other Draco Enthusiasts voices' rang out in agreement. They all nodded to each other, until they heard a - what was later told to be the most heartbreaking - screech. All heads focused on Draco who turned towards them. A few Draco Enthusiasts fell over.

"Where is Uno Ink Fish my alligator?" Draco screeched, causing a person to fly backwards.

"What?"

"Uno Ink Fish! He was right here!"

"Who's Uno Ink Fish?" a Draco Enthusiast asked.

"I don't know…" responded another.

Draco sobbed as all of the Draco Enthusiasts were confused, wanting to see their beloved happy once again. Moments passed as everyone felt awkward where they stood. They didn't quite remember the pink and sparkly alligator they left a few miles back because they were distracted by Draco.

"This is my fault!" cried Draco. "I can't believe I didn't check for him."

"Is there nothing that we can do?" Travers asked.

Draco wiped the tears from his eyes, breathing in and out slowly. He blinked at Travers.

"Actually, there is." he said. "Bring forth the staff of digestiveness!"

They did, chanting all the while in glee. Draco took it, then raised it to the sky.

"Find my alligator! And bring us all to it!"

He then ate the staff, and with a golden glow, they all disappeared. They appeared at what was clear to be a tribal party. Goats were holding hooves and dancing around a fire, baaing with glee.

Draco pointed his finger ever so rudely at a goat, and yelled, "Rotten piece of lamb meat!"

The goats slowly turned, calling upon their sasquatch friends to kill the fruitful draco. At the end of the night, Oliver Wood played the death march on the xylophone all the while. He sang of Draco's love for kelp, and Uno Ink Fish.

A.N. Thanks for reading!