Man's best friend
Summary: Inspired by a suggestion from Take5 a while ago in her reviews- see, I do get around to these things eventually- it just takes me a while! Bill finally gets a worthwhile revenge on Karen's evil cat- sort of a follow on from 'Curiosity killed the cat' but can be read as a stand-alone- just know that Bill, and Karen's long-time feline companion Pepper really don't get along. At all. Humour and fluff in my post L.A B/K timeline- no actual plot!
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: The only things that belong to me are the cat and the dog. Everything else belongs to FOX and the writers of 24.
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Malevolent jade green eyes glinted at him in the half-darkness and the razor sharp claws glinted dangerously in the moonlight, causing Bill to sit up with a sudden start, sweat trickling down his back. At first he thought he was seeing things, but then he realised it was his worst nightmare coming to life, right there in his bedroom, only it wasn't the bogey man, no it was worse…
"Um… Karen?"
A little snore was his only response, coming from the other side of the mattress as Bill inched further away from the edge of the bed, clutching the sheets in his now sweaty hands, perspiration beading his upper lip.
"Karen…" his plaintive voice was a little louder now, accompanied by a desperate prod to his wife's slim shoulders.
She didn't move, snuggling deeper into the quilt and if anything, snoring louder this time, peacefully ensconced in her dreams.
"Karen!"
She awoke with a jump now, glaring at him, bleary eyed. "WHAT Bill?" she demanded icily as she furiously flicked on her bedside lamp. If this was what she thought it was, she was going to really let him have it--
"The cat's gotten into the bedroom again," he nervously peered over the edge of the blanket and pointed to the rug beside his bed, where Pepper was curled up, staring at him with a ferocity that belied his seemingly innocent looking nature- one eye awake and alert, the other snoozing and apparantly oblivious to the goings on around him. Bill knew it was all an act- the cat was devious to the core- evil!
"Oh for heaven's sake!" with a disgruntled sniff, Karen hopped out of bed and yanked on her robe in exasperation, "I'm getting fed up of this. It's a nightly routine that I don't welcome."
"How the hell does he manage to escape from the rec-room so often?" Bill wondered out-loud and there was an almost reverence in his voice despite his ambivalence to the animal; "his tactical skills are better than Bauer's, especially for a fleabag that's so goddamn fat. That diet you put him on doesn't seem to be very effective- if anything I'd say he's getting bigger. I think he's sneaking food from someplace."
Karen picked up Pepper, his paws hanging ungainly down by his sides, and he yowled a little in protest; "I. don't. care." she muttered through clenched teeth, "just for once, I'd like a goddamn peaceful night's sleep—minimum of eight hours at least- without being awoken by you or the cat! All it takes is a little effort!"
"I'll make an effort if he does," Bill mumbled piteously but not really meaning it in the slightest, snapping off the light again and curling back down to a fitful sleep as he heard Karen storm downstairs, the cat in tow. Clearly his sneaky efforts to get Pepper banished to the rec room had been to no avail if the damn animal could sneak out again- he evidently needed a Plan B.
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The next morning, Karen was a little bleary eyed when she headed out to work for Homeland Security, a consequence of the midnight tussle with Pepper- it had taken some effort to finally get him back into the laundry room again and she always felt terribly guilty when he looked up at her with those solemn green eyes.
Bill however was feeling slightly less charitable toward the fleabag as he kissed his wife goodbye at the door. "Don't keep him cooped up in there all day," she cautioned him as she straightened her jacket.
"But-- he'll steal my chair," Bill protested, "he always does the second I let him out. Then whenever I go to try and change the TV channel he growls at me! What cat have you ever heard of that has sole control over cable?"
"Remember what I said," Karen smiled at him fondly, "all it takes is a little effort. Maybe if you try spending a little one-on-one time with him without me around, you can be friends."
Bill gaped at her; "Karen, do I need to remind you of the injuries that thing inflicted on me when I tried to take him to the vet? You weren't around then and he still used me as a scratching post. It's not some kind of misguided jealousy: its insanity!"
She laughed a little as she brushed away his protestations. "Just try," she turned big blue eyes on him; "for me."
Reluctantly, he waved her off to work and then took a deep breath and headed to the rec room. He could hear the blatant hissing as soon as he got near the door and what sounded like scratching of wood. Dear god, the animal was trying to claw his way to him. He swallowed hard as he spoke through the closed doorway.
"Pepper… I am fed up of fighting with you," he began, his voice wobbling slightly as he tried to muster the air of authority that had sufficed so well when addressing colleagues at CTU and during his days in the military, "I am doing this for Karen. We both have to live in the same house and we need to establish some ground rules…" he pricked an ear, and to his surprise the scratching and hissing seemed to have stopped. Maybe the damn animal was listening to him. He grew braver and stood taller. "I'm sorry that I forced your hand-paw-whatever, and made you stay in the rec room and I promise that if you make an effort, then I will too, ok?"
No answer, well really, what was he expecting?
Banishing his fears to the back of his mind, he slowly took a deep breath and opened the door.
"Holy hell!" he shrieked, seeing the cat perched on top of the cupboard, poised to leap at him, claws flailing and a look of pure, unadulterated hatred in his eyes.
Shaking, he quickly slammed the door shut and leaned against it for good measure, just in case. "I thought we had an agreement!" he accused. God damn cat, lulling him into a false sense of security like that.
Muted hissing and once more the scratching of claws was his only response, as on decidedly wobbly legs, he staggered to the living room, deep in thought.
Ok, if the cat wasn't going to make any effort, then clearly evasive manoeuvres were needed- some kind of contingency plan. Bill didn't quite know what, but all he knew was that in Pepper's present, highly irrational state, the house clearly wasn't big enough for the both of them. The question was: what could he do? He wasn't a proud man, an egoist: he was a loving husband and goddamn it, all he wanted was his favourite chair back, his wife to himself now and then and the chance to read the sports section in its entirety and not have to piece it back together like a jigsaw puzzle!
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Bill's thoughts on a contingency plan were further refuted the following afternoon, when he opened the cupboard door in the pantry, only to find kitty-sized teeth-marks all over packets of shredded chocolate chip cookies and paw-prints embedded in the spilt bag of icing sugar. Reeses Pieces, Bill's favourite candy, haphazardly littered the bottom of the cupboard.
"Goddamn it!" he exclaimed furiously, knowing now why the damn cat was getting to be the size of a panther- he'd been pilfering from Bill's own goody cupboard, though god knew how; "this is the last straw!" He slammed the cupboard shut and stalked out of the room.
Then it came to him, funnily enough when he'd retreated to the sanctity of the spare bedroom (because he couldn't get anywhere near his chair in the lounge for the usual reasons- Karen had been foolish enough to let Pepper out of the rec room before she'd left for The White House): a dog food commercial appeared on screen. Bill ignored the tinny music, uber-cheerful actors and the animated text swirling on the screen- all his bright eyes could focus on all of a sudden was the yapping puppy on the screen- this was evidently a goddamn epiphany. "In this dog eat dog world," he dimly heard the chirpy voice exclaim, "you want to give your dog the best, and what better than Pedigree Chum?"
"No," Bill muttered, feeling happy for the first time in what felt like hours as he grabbed his sweater and car keys, "from now on, this is going to be a dog eat cat world. I'm going to make sure of it."
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"Where's daddy, huh?" Karen eyed Pepper who careened around her ankles as she got home from work later that afternoon.
Pepper shot her a baleful expression and then padded into the living room, right before she jumped back up into Bill's favourite chair and settled herself comfortably on the cushions, promptly throwing up a fur ball.
Karen hung up her coat with a sigh as she regarded her pet; "what am I going to do with you?" she said, exasperated. She then turned, hearing the sound of Bill's car entering the driveway, "oh, here he is now."
Pepper yawned, his whistles bristling, and she noticed him flex his claws slightly.
"Hi honey," Bill said, a big grin on his face as he promptly kissed her cheek upon entering the hallway, "you just beat me back…good day in the office?"
"Not bad," Karen was surprised by his bright eyes, "Bill… are you ok?"
"I'm swell," he said with a smile, "I've just been shopping."
Karen wondered if maybe the stress of Pepper was getting to him as she eyeballed her husband strangely, "but you hate to shop."
"Today it was fun," he announced, "I got something terrific for the whole family!" as he said this, he shot a triumphant glance in Pepper's direction. As ever, Pepper ignored him but Karen was secretly pleased he'd included Pepper in that statement, her husband really was trying, god love him.
"You did? For all of us?" Karen's eyebrow arched as she eyed his empty hands.
"You go on into the living room and keep Pepper company," Bill encouraged her, "I left it in the car as a surprise, I'll be right back."
"Ok," Karen said doubtfully. To her chagrin she could hear him whistling as he opened the car door. She honestly suspected that maybe Pepper's behaviour was bothering him more than he wanted to admit- like with today's erratic mood swings for example, and his uncharacteristic behaviour in even venturing into a store.
Bill hummed tunelessly as he re-entered the house, "I got it!" he called, sounding remarkably chipper.
"Alrighty then," Karen said patiently as she sat back on the sofa.
"Pepper," Bill's expression was smug as he opened the living room door a little wider, "meet your new little playmate."
If a cat's mouth could drop open in horror, that's what it would have been categorised as, but as it was, all that came out, sounded like a startled meow, as Pepper reared back on his haunches on the chair, his back a perfect arc at seeing the vision that padded in through the front door.
"Oh, how precious!" Karen smiled, "Bill… you got us a puppy!"
"Just for you, honey," Bill said proudly, noticing the sour look that Pepper shot to the black miniature poodle as Karen happily picked him up and cuddled him, an expression of delight on her face; "I thought we could do with another addition to the household and well," he hung his head a little sheepishly, "she just.. spoke to me I guess." Yeah, she damn spoke to me alright. She said: Mr Buchanan, I will help you to annihilate the cat. Pedigree Chum my ass.
Pepper hissed and leapt onto the floor as the puppy buried his face in the crook of Karen's arm; Bill barely suppressed a smile.
"Ooh, she's adorable!" Karen exclaimed, tickling her behind the ear, her black fur soft and woolly, huge brown eyes like chocolate drops.
"Poodles have this reputation of being kind of… aggressive," Bill ventured, looking innocent, "but I thought "she's only a baby and all," and I'm sure she and Pepper will get used to each other in time." Yeah. Right. Used to each other like a hole in the head.
"I'm sure they will," Karen beamed enthusiastically, "thank you Bill-- what a terrific idea."
She set the puppy down on the linoleum rug and the two of them watched her bound around playfully, sliding awkwardly on the wooden floorboards, the epitome of cuteness. Then came the moment that Bill had been waiting for: the first encounter between the two species.
The puppy padded curiously over to Pepper and sniffed. The look of feline disdain on Pepper's face was priceless as he put out a paw and made to swipe his claws at this rival for Karen's affections, and for once it wasn't Bill.
Only he was cut off by a sharp bark as the puppy bared his teeth and growled at Pepper, much in the same way the cat did at Bill right before he shredded the sports section.
Bill smirked as Pepper cowered, green eyes huge and fearful, and then abruptly turned tail and ran (or tried to, his stomach kind of got in the way) right back to the rec room.
"Uh-oh, I think maybe Pepper's feeling a little usurped," Karen looked concerned as she bent down and picked up the puppy who shot both she and Bill adoring looks; "he's not used to having company."
How Bill successfully managed to hide his glee was anyone's guess; "he'll get used to it," he said sincerely as he held out a dog biscuit for the new addition to their household as the puppy licked his fingers lovingly; Bill knew he'd be the dog's friend for life regardless, "after all, all it takes is a little effort."
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A/N: I have a few more plot bunnies swirling around B/K, but if anyone has any ideas, that would be a big help!