Uh, got this idea from yet another story. Oh, and it's not all e-mail. Also: It takes place in a 'The Office' type of environment; they all work at a company similar to Dunder Mifflin, and they all know each other.

And Deidara says 'n' instead of 'un', because 'n' sounds more like a grunt.

© Kishimoto

Some e-mail/text parts. And there's only one graphic scene, so it remains a T rating.

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From: EarthBird22
To: ASasori
Subject: Hellz yes!

So apparently, Itachi is throwing some lame party. But there's bound to be booze and Twister. Drunken Twister is always fun. Am I right, or am I right?

Anyway, he said his little brother is going to be out frolicking or some shit with that pink-haired girlfriend he was telling me about. Pink hair? Damn.

Oh, and Hidan told me to tell you that you're a fucker. Why, hell if I know. He hates everything. Tobi said he saw him punch a baby in the face.

He claims it was 'self-defense'.

So you RSVP-ing to the party? I am, because who am I to pass up free liquor?

From: ASasori
To: EarthBird22
Subject: Sod off

Dammit Deidara, I'm not going to the party. I find parties lame and stupid. And the taste of alcohol is disgusting. God only knows why you like it so much. Seriously, do you remember that office party? You got tanked, and I had to drive your ass home. Why do I know you.

And Hidan is a dick. We all know that.

Stop playing Solitaire and fax that damn paper over to corporate before Pein yells at me. Instead of you. Again.

Just diiiiiiie.

From: EarthBird22
To: ASasori
Subject: Aw, Saso-poo needs a hug!

You will come. I will start singing horribly loud if you do not get your scrawny ass over to Itachi's house at 8:00 pm tonight.

Oh, and I faxed it already. Pein needs to get his panties out of a wad. I stole some M&M's from Tobi's counter as a congratulations to myself. It helps that the secretary looks up to you for no fucking reason.

Seriously. He just started calling me 'sempai' one day and history was made(!)

Little weeaboo...

So yeah, you either come or I swear to God I'll start singing loudly; because best friends have to drag their best friend's agoraphobic asses out of the houses once in a while.

To: EarthBird22
From: ASasori
Subject: I'm going to stab you

...fuck you with a Tuba. Dammit, you are lucky you are my friend or I will stab you in the face with a stapler.

I'm not going. That's it.

To: ASasori
From: DemonShark
Subject: GAH

MAKE YOUR GAY LOVER SHUT UP OH MY GOOOODDD.

To: ASasori
From: RedEyedUchiha
Subject: Deidara

Make him shut up or I shove my Kleenex box down your butt buddy's throat.

To: RedEyedUchiha,Fishsticks89
From: ASasori
Subject: ffffffffff

He's not my gay lover, dammit. He's my idiot best friend.

I'll get him to shut up, God!

To: ASasori
From: EarthBird22
Subject: Low blow. LOW BLOW.

Yes! I finally got you to go! Although the Spice Girls aren't...exactly my favorite, I know your undying hatred for them is always nice for personal gain.

I'm such a douche.

:D

(But you didn't have to kick in my kneecaps, jeez.)

Anyway, I figured that since you obviously don't know how to dress for a party, I'll come over to your apartment and help your poor fashion-blind self dress. Because although you can dress pretty snazzily for an office job (sharp black tie, white polo and black pants—hun, you look rather sexy if I do say so myself) you have absolutely no taste in casual clothing.

So, I'll be at your house around six thirty, alright? You can stay the night and then you can go home tomorrow.

Ooh! We can do each other's toenails!

(It's so much fun to make you uncomfortable by acting like an effeminate asstard.)

To: EarthBird22
From: ASasori
Subject: askldkjsdk

I hate you.

To: ASasori
From: EarthBird22
Subject: Your unfathomable affection never ceases to amaze me

I love you too, Sasori! And remember, whatever I tell you to put on, you put on! Or else.

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"So like, you ever been laid, 'n?" Deidara said, sprawled out on Sasori's bed. Sasori, who was undoing the buttons on his polo, raised an eyebrow.

"Pray tell why you want me to answer that, Sir Cannot-stay-out-of-my-personal-life." Sasori said bitterly as Deidara smiled cheekily.

The perky blonde swayed up into a sitting position, resting his hands on the bed. "Because you could've done it behind my back or something. You suck like that. Seriously, we're BFF's, man! We're supposed to know whenever one of us takes a shit, 'n." He leaned back, placing his hands behind his neck.

Sasori turned around, facing the blonde on his queen bed, "Are you high?"

"Possibly."

Sasori sighed.

"Look, I'm just curious. Why is it such a big deal?" Sasori scowled, taking off his shirt to reveal a toned chest. "Just tell me!"

"Does it really matter?" He hissed, slipping on the white t-shirt Deidara had ineloquently thrown at him. The blonde shrugged.

"Yes. Yes it does." Sasori retained a blank look as he slipped on a maroon sweater, with a crooked line going across the chest. He glanced back at Deidara, and sighed.

"Why do you even care?" Deidara chuckled, and patted his slightly shorter friend on the head.

"Because I'm your friend, you slut." Deidara smiled brightly, rolling off of the bed, and landing on his feet. He stood up, and hugged the taller man around the waist, resting his chin on his left shoulder.

Sasori scowled.

"To answer your question, yes, I have gotten laid. Three times."

"Guy or girl?" Sasori paled.

"What." He pushed Deidara off him lightly, and gave him a look of stupefaction and lividness.

Deidara shrugged casually, "I mean, I know you're gay and all, but like, this could've been before I knew you, 'n." Deidara fell back onto the bed again. "Be-sides, it shouldn't matter."

Sasori's face darkened, and rolled his eyes, "One girl, two guys. Now can we shut up and go?" Deidara waggled a finger.

"Ah-ah-ah! I have to make your hair look pretty. Ooh, and some eyeliner would make you look hot, too, 'n!"

Sasori scowled.

His friend was a moron.

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To: Deidara
From: Sasori

You're two feet away from me.

Texting me.

Why.

To: Sasori
From: Deidara

I think I'm drunk.

…

Yeah, definitely drunk.

To: Deidara
From: Sasori

Christ almighty.

To: Hidan
From: Sasori

You ass. You spiked his drink, didn't you?

To: Sasori
From: Hidan

Sorry, but Hidan is incapacitated at this moment from alcohol intake. This is Kakuzu, I took his phone so he doesn't do anything stupid.

And yes—yes he probably did.

To: Hidan
From: Sasori

Oh. Fucking splendid.

Sasori sighed, shutting off his phone as he boredly looked over towards the giggling blonde. The red-head struggled not to punch him, and settled on glaring at the younger.

Itachi's house smelled of beer and pot, most likely not his own—the bastard only drank—, and the lights were dimmed. He sat in the brown couch, springs sticking out of it, and holes covering it. Shutting off his phone, Sasori sighed and looked over towards the blonde.

"Well good news," He said sarcastically, "Hidan spiked your drink. You are now drunk, and it has only been two hours. I have to drive your ass home now." He held out his palm. "Gimme your keys." Deidara looked at him as if he had grown a second head.

"E-Eh? Hell no! I-I'm not g...going home this early!" Deidara pointed shakily towards the clock, and Sasori blinked over towards it; reading '11:14'. He scoffed, and pulled on the blonde's wrist.

"I really don't give a shit about what time it is. You stay any longer, you will get more drunk. Give me your keys or I swear to god I'll punch you in the stomach." Needing no further persuasion, he solemnly handed over his keys. Sasori swiped them. Standing up, he grabbed hold of Deidara's wrist and dragged him outside to his Prias.

Opening the car door, and grumbling while doing so, Sasori buckled the giggling blonde into the seat, and closed the car door, hitting his head against it once.

"Goddammit, how do I get into these messes?" He growled, and ran a hand through his hair. He opened his own door, and clambered into the driver's seat.

He drove in silence, cursing the fact that Deidara lived so far away from the house. Rubbing his forehead with his index and middle finger, he tried to dull away his headache when a sudden unzip of his pants made him jerk his head down, as he watched Deidara lick his cock teasingly.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Sasori hissed, pulling him up by his ponytail. Deidara giggled, and kissed him on the lips. Sasori swerved, pulling to the side of the road. He grabbed him by the shoulders, pulling him back and looking him straight in the eye.

"What. The HELL. Is with you?" Sasori snarled, and Deidara's smirk turned into a smile. He leaned in, and kissed the red-head again. Sasori's eyes widened, and he very hesitantly kissed back. Deidara took the opportunity to move his hands under Sasori's shirt, and run them down his chest.

Sasori pulled back, panting slightly. The blonde smiled stupidly, "I guess th-that practice has-has made you real...really good, 'n?"

Sasori glanced, around, and ran a hand through his hair. Deidara turned towards the front, and blinked rapidly. Sasori put his hands on ten o' clock and two o' clock, staring blankly out the window. He stared at Deidara, and the blonde stared back, eyes hazy from the drunken stupor.

The two launched in another battle of tongues, and neither went back to their respective houses that night.

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To: Sasori
From: Hidan

Where the hell are you? Dude, we were supposed to meet up today for that movie today. You ass, you ditched us!

To: Hidan
From: Itachi

I can safely say that Sasori won't be joining you four for the movie today.

To: Itachi
From: Hidan

Wait, what? WHY?!

To: Hidan
From: Itachi

He was taking a very drunken Deidara home.

To: Itachi
From: Hidan

...oh.

...Nice...

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Sasori woke up, groggy and in the back of a silver Prias.

He rubbed his head, or at least attempted to, if it weren't for the lanky blonde holding onto his waist. Sasori's eyes shot open, the scene from last night playing out very well in his memory. He looked around, seeing that the seats had been leaned back as far as possible, as to make the back a makeshift bed. He tore himself out from Deidara's grip, and tried to quietly to put his clothes back on.

However, as God would have it, the blonde yawned, and Sasori froze.

"Ah...shit...my head, 'n! Hurts like a bit—." He looked up at Sasori, then slowly trailing his eyes down to his chest. His pupils dilated, and he held his breath.

"Did we...?"

"Yes." Sasori answered, a growing blush on his cheeks as he looked towards the floor of the car. Deidara wrapped his arms around himself, and leaned back. Sasori raised his eyebrows as he looked his nude body.

"Oh god...we didn't. We didn't." Sasori nodded slowly, and Deidara groaned.

"...can...can you drive me home?" Sasori blinked, and nodded slowly once more. Deidara got his clothes back on tentatively, muscles tightened. Sasori rubbed his forehead, not knowing what the hell to do in this situation.

Deidara crawled up into the passenger's seat, and buckled himself in after he was suitably clothed. Sasori put the key in the ignition, and drove both of them back to Deidara's house; he still needed to pick up his own car.

Sasori glanced over to see Deidara bury his face in his hands, obviously regretting everything that happened last night. Sasori sighed deeply, and drove in the most awkward silence there was.

He pulled up to a cream-colored house, number 522, and unlocked the car door, allowing both Deidara and himself to get out. The blonde walked towards his front door, while Sasori walked towards his own car. The two shared a mutual look of agreement to never speak of the situation again.

As Sasori made his way home, he banged his head repeatedly against the horn in his car. This just wasn't his day.

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To: SexyBastard
From: EarthBird22
Subject: Shit's creek without a paddle.

I'm turning to you for help. Armageddon is approaching.

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: Ain't that the truth

Well, since you turned to me first, I shall be somewhat kind to you, because you are an inexperienced twat when it comes to dating and relationships. So what can I do for you?

To: SexyBastard
From: EarthBird22
Subject: I'm going to go hit myself repeatedly.

Oh stuff it, Hidan, you're more of a twat than I am. You actually have one, so stop being such an annoying little ass.

Because you slipped alcohol in my drink last night, I attempted to give Sasori a blowjob while he was driving the car, almost making us swerve and die.

Then we had sex.

I don't know what to fucking do. It was a mistake, that's all.

A mistake!

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: Jesus Christ, it's Denial! GET IN THE CAR!

I do not have a mangina, you little cunt.

At any rate, I suggest the idea that, uh hi, you subconsciously want the little slut. You know those shitty fanfictions Tobi showed me that one time?

Well sur-priiiiiiiise! You're in one! See, the plot goes something akin to this:

Sasori: "I am an asshole, but I am actually truly in love you with you, Dei-chan!"
Deidara: "Ooh Sasori-Danna, I love you, too! Let's make babies!"
Sasori: "Awwrwwight."

(Good god, thanks to that weeaboo Tobi that I actually know what those suffixes mean. Is that sad, or is that sad?)

Jesus fuck, it's been obvious that you had some sort of...emotional connection, to say the least, to Sasori. Seriously; your asshole façade isn't fooling anybody. Except Sasori. Because he's a cunt.

Even the dumbass secretary knows you like him! (Too bad, too. He has a crush on you.)

To: SexyBastard
From: EarthBird22
Subject: Oh god, I think I just threw up a little

Denial is the mother of all defense mechanisms, Hidan. Defense! If I don't defend myself, I'll get chewed up.

Oh god, that story-whatever shit was spot on with that shit Tobi showed me. Seriously.

So it's that obvious? I thought it was just a small crush, you know, I admire(d) him because he's so stoic and cool but...I dunno...I didn't expect to actually have feelings for that unemotional ass.

But I guess I do. And I know he thought yesterday was a mistake.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: Shit's creek without a paddle is now an understatement, my friend

I suggest you dress provocatively, and act like a slut in front of him. If he blushes or whatever, that is the signal that he feels similarly. You know those uh...'blow pops'? I have like, a whole tub of those. You will look like such a total slut, it's not even gonna be funny. Oh wait. Yes it is. :D

Swear to Jashin, you two don't get together by the end of next week, I will cock block you for the rest of your life.

Oh wait, you're doing a perfectly good job doing that on your own. Huh.

To: SexyBastard
From: EarthBird22
Subject: dsfasd

I am not cock blocking myself! Just...I'm not that good with relationships, okay!

...You're proposing I act like a total...well...you, and see if that works to get Sasori? No!

That has to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard!

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: NO, U

Oh come on, you stubborn bastard. I know it will be....totally out-of-character for you, but that's what makes it hilarious! Seriously, all you have to do is seduce him; I'll help you because I know a few tricks. You know those caramel apple suckers? Those are wonderful toys.

To: SexyBastard
From: EarthBird22
Subject: ugh

No, no, no, no! I'm not dressing up like a slut to seduce him! That is humiliating, degrading, and stupid. Why would I do that?

Hidan...!

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: Well...there is another option...

It's either dress up and seduce him or sleep with Itachi to make the red bombshell jealous.

To: SexyBastard
From: Earthbird22
Subject: (No Subject)

…..........................................................

…..........................................................

…..........................................................

…..........................................................

…..........................................................

….....................................................................................Goddammit, I'm stuck between Scylla and Charybdis, aren't I?

I'll do it. I'm desperate.

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: Splendiferous!

Great! I just have to go to that lingerie store; they have this schoolgirl outfit I saw, and instantly thought of you. I rubbed out my eye sockets with ten bars of soap. Also, I have to find a way to break and enter into Sasori's apartment, so you can sit on his bed in all your cross-dressing glory.

To: SexyBastard
From: EarthBird22
Subject: (No Subject)

Wait, what?

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"What do you want, Itachi?" Sasori snapped into the phone, and the brunette sounded little less than surprised.

"Someone's pissy."

"Just fuck off, alright?" He said irritably, and shut the phone, throwing it at the wall.

He knew it was a mistake.

Obviously it was! Obviously!

He sighed, combing his fingers through his hair as he kept the base of his palm on his forehead. He glanced at his cell phone again, and another missed text flashed on the screen. He growled angrily, and threw it at the wall, hoping it broke.

Sighing, he tugged lightly at the roots of his hair, struggling to figure out just what the hell was going on .

It was a mistake.

Yes. Obvious answer is obvious.

He growled and shot a seething glare towards the black phone as it beeped once more, standing up slowly and stomping on the phone with his converse-clad feet, and slid it across the bottom of the floor, making sure it was thoroughly busted.

His eyes widened to make them look almost maniac, and he pulled on his hair.

'It was a mistake.'

'It was a mistake.'

'I have absolutely, positively, no romantic feelings towards that...that brat.'

Sasori sighed, composing himself, and leaning his forehead against the wall.

No feelings.

He would go to work Monday and everything would be fine.

Sasori tapped his fingers absentmindedly on the desk, glancing at his solitaire game. He snarled, almost blaming the game for getting him in all this trouble.

Rubbing his eyebrows with his left hand's thumb and index finger, and struggled to concentrate on his work. Irritable was an understatement, and the entire office knew not to bother Sasori today.

Deidara looked over at his friend warily, biting his lip nervously as he turned to Hidan. His worrisome attitude went away for a split second as he rolled his eyes, watching Hidan and Kakuzu fight about something ridiculous.

His nervous nature returned when a violent 'thud' was heard, a irate Sasori glaring daggers into Itachi. The brunette, as always, looked stoic and cool, and the same-personality redhead was frustrated and perturbed.

"Fuck off, Itachi!" He snarled. Deidara cautiously got up, eyebrows furrowing as he slowly made his way across the gray carpet to his friend.

"S-Sasori? Why are you yelling at Itachi?" The blonde put a hand on his shoulder, and Sasori shrugged it off carelessly.

"...I need some air..." He flipped his head around, and glared at Deidara, "Get that report done or Pein will have my ass."

The blonde gulped, "Yeah, 'n." He watched blandly as the redhead stormed out of the office. A brunette, red-eyed ball of energy saw that his friend was upset, and bounced over to him.

"Are you okay? You seem very sad, senpai." Tobi said, his un-obscured red eye blinking cutely. Deidara nodded, and sat back down haughtily, placing a fist underneath his chin. Hidan looked over towards him, mouthing the words 'are we still on'. Deidara nodded solemnly.

'I'll be damned if I don't get him to admit it.'

Deidara narrowed his eyes at Itachi, knowing he was the source of the problem, "What the hell did you say to him, anyway, 'n?"

Itachi shrugged, " I simply said he needs to stop being so stubborn and frustrating and admit the fact that he likes you."

Deidara blanched.

"Why." Itachi stared on blankly, as if the answer was horrible obvious.

"The answer is horribly obvious. Drama in the war room is not fun."

"That doesn't make any fucking sense, 'n!"

Itachi lidded his eyes boredly.

"Hn."

Outside, Sasori struggled to not to go to the nearest gas station and buy a pack of cigarettes. He'd been clean for three years, but this situation was making everything too stressful.

He was not in love with his best friend. That was stupid and moronic.

His heart didn't flutter when around him, he didn't sweat, and he didn't stutter like a person with a lisp. He was perfectly capable of talking to his friend without so much of a hitch.

Then why the hell did he sleep with him?

'That's what I'd like to know...' Sasori thought angrily, rubbing his eyes with his first three fingers.

'Mistake.'

'Mistake.'

'Mistake.'

'Mistake.'

'Mistake.'

'Mistake.'

'Mistake.'

'Right.'

His eyes widened considerably, wondering how that Freudian slip made its way in there.

'I don't...I don't...fuck.' He slowly slid down the wall, fisting his hair in his fingers.

"I love him. Godfuckdammit."

He sighed deeply, wondering just what the hell had gotten into him.

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: SOMEONE'S GONNA GET LAAAAAAID!

Well well! Looks like Sasori finally likes you. He's been blushing around you like an awkward schoolgirl, which I find totally hilarious. Because he did a complete one-eighty of his original fucking personality, and now he's like 'Oooh, Deidara, I want your pen0r inside of me!!1'

Except, with you two, it would be the other way around. Seriously. You equals no chance of topping. Ever.

Anywho, come over to my condo sometime at three. Pein finally got that stick out of his ass and is letting us out early today. Hurrah!

Thankfully he's screwing Bluey, so we don't have to worry about him being a dick about office relations.

I shall see you later.

To: SexyBastard
From: EarthBird22
Subject: Huh?

He's...what?

...so he likes me?

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: Well obviously.

Didn't you see how awkward he looked around you? He was blushing and everything! Sometimes I wonder if you would be oblivious to your own death.

To: SexyBastard
From: EarthBird22
Subject: (No Subject)

He...likes me too...!

Excuse me, I'm gonna go dance.

To: EarthBird22
From: SexyBastard
Subject: Wow.

And dance you shall, young one. And dance you shall.

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"So you admit it?"

"Shut the fuck up Itachi! Do I have to say it again?" Sasori hissed, practically able to feel the smirk that was on the brunette's lips. He snarled into his somehow still not-broken cellphone, although a few scratch marks were here and there.

"Please do. Your stubborn air has now been replaced with your needy bitch side. I'm finding that terribly amusing."

"I hate you. So...so much."

"I know you do."

Sasori was about to make a witty retort, however, a sudden crash jumped him out of his stupor. He furrowed his eyebrows.

"I'll call you back.."

Sasori cautiously put his phone back inside of his back pocket, and narrowed his eyes. Who, in God's green earth, would burgle his house in broad daylight? It didn't exactly add up very well.

He inched closer towards his bedroom door, hearing hushed whispers of 'you asshole' and 'shut up, fucker, he can hear us' confused him even more. How did they know a 'he' lived here, anyway?

Cautiously opening the door, he twisted the knob to his bedroom slowly, blinking at the sight of Deidara and Hidan arguing with each other, while Hidan was on a ladder and Deidara was wearing a girl's Japanese school uniform.

'Sailor Moon, much?' Indeed, the outfit was an exact replica of the outfit the infamous Sailor Moon wore. Large red bow and everything.

That was a scene he never thought he'd see in his entire life.

"What the hell are you two doing here?" Sasori said, causing an immediate rift in the conversation. The silver-haired man blinked, and slid down the ladder he came up on, swearing as his ass hit the ground. Deidara bit his lip nervously.

"...Why are you wearing women's clothing." He said, deciding to tackle one of the few elephants in the room. Deidara blanched.

"...elaborate plan Hidan and I made up, 'n." He mumbled, and Sasori quirked an eyebrow, his eyes still half-closed.

"Why did you break into my apartment when the front door works just fine." He said monotonously, biting his tongue after the comment, "Although, in your case, I'd see to it why you'd want to avoid being seen." Deidara blushed hotly.

"So why are you really here, Deidara?"

"Our plan was for me to seduce you!" He blurted out, and covered his mouth quickly. Sasori's stoic demeanor disappeared, and was replaced with a look of shock. Deidara removed his hands from his mouth, and continued awkwardly, "B-because I like you. A lot. More than just my best friend." Deidara looked down at his blue skirt, playing with the hem.

Sasori walked up to him, slowly and silently. He lightly put two fingers under his chin, and met lips with him. Deidara's eyes widened and gasped a little, while Sasori took the opportunity to slip his tongue in-between his lips. Deidara closed his eyes, grasping onto Sasori's maroon shirt with his right hand, digging the other into short red hair. Sasori ran his tongue on Deidara's, sending a shiver down the blonde's spine.

The broke off, about an inch or so away from each other, a thick string of saliva connecting the two. Sasori grabbed his head with his hand, and wrapped an arm around his waist. Deidara kept his hand on his chest, breathing his Sasori's musky scent as he kept his head against his chest. The two slunk down the ground, still keeping the same position.

"So I guess this means you feel the same, yeah?" He said, smiling, looking into the red-head's eyes. Sasori rolled his eyes as obviously as he could, and put Deidara's head on his shoulder, keeping his right hand on the back of his scalp.

"Maybe just a little..." He whispered into the blonde's ear, and Deidara chuckled.

"A little?"

Deidara smirked, and wrapped his left arm around Sasori's waist. "Maybe more than a little."

Sasori laughed.

"Yeah, maybe."

The quiet office returned to normal.

Sort of.

"Sasori, care to tell me why Deidara's limping?"

Deidara blanched.

Itachi stared.

Tobi cried, "SENPAI, NO!"

And Sasori just smirked triumphantly.

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Oh man, the ending is so bad, but I love it so much.

Aaaaand this was all done to get rid of Sasori's DereDere side that I see fandom exploit too much. Srsly. He would be a stubborn bastard who would lash out at everything and deny all his feelings. And Deidara would figure it out quickly that he had his own feelings.