Author Note: This is my first wrestling story, so chill out on the flames please. Eddie is alive for this to work (R.I.P. and Viva la Raza!)
It was just a night at the local bar. Just some friends going out for a drink, honest. But then somehow, it's a fucking murder scene. Now, this is a long, drawn out story to handle, so let's start from the beginning:
It was a Wednesday. As everyone knows, there is no taping on Wednesday and there were no more live shows this week, so the wrestlers had a good week for themselves since Smackdown tapings were held on Tuesday. So I decided to go drinking with Booker, Hunter, Adam (Edge), Bradshaw and Steve Austin. I figured, what the hell, this could end up being fun. We weren't scheduled to leave the city since RAW would be held here next Monday, so why not get smashed? Anyway, I should have known this wasn't gonna work from the second that the car broke down.
"What the fuck?" I said as the car just shut down right in the middle of a one-way street. I got out of the car with Adam to check under the hood.
"Well nothing's wrong with it. You know anything about cars?"
"Nah, but it was probably all the extra weight."
I looked at him with vicious eyes. Just because my screen name is Big Show doesn't mean I don't take offense to real-life fat jokes.
"What?" he defended. You got 6 grown ass men in a Camry. And plus, you ain't exactly the after picture on a Jenny Craig commercial, you know."
"I know you didn't just saw something against fat people considering you were rolling around with Vickie for a while."
"Hey! That was just for TV! Whatever, let's just see if anyone else back there can help."
We walked around to the inside of the car at the rest of the guys. Booker, in the passenger side, rolled down the window.
"Man, will y'all hurry up? It's hot as hell in here. Of all the places to break down, this old ass Toyota gon' break down in Miami, in a state that don't ever fuckin' snow!"
"Well, we're working on it. Hey Steve, can you help us?" he looked out the window to address me.
"What, so the redneck has to know everything about cars and trucks and stuff? I don't know jack-shit about cars. Hey Layfield, you got a limo, you should know about these things."
"Before you answer that," Booker chimed in. "Why the hell are rolling around in this broke-ass rent-a-car when you got a limo?"
"That's for the stage only. You think I carry that thing everywhere? Vince wouldn't let me drive that thing around."
"Well unless anyone here knows about cars, we're stuck here. Anyone wanna volunteer their services?"
Hunter, the only one who hadn't been suggested, stayed quiet, so we were stuck here now. But then, as if magic, a police car appeared.
"Hey," Adam said. "There's a policeman coming up behind us. Maybe he can give us a-"
"OH SHIT! The weed!"
"The WHAT!" I said, now extremely pissed. "Hunter, you brought weed?"
"Hell yeah! I'm getting old, man, and I need something to ease off all those ring bumps. I ain't gonna mess around with painkillers, that's how you end up on that Wellness suspension bullshit."
"Well we're screwed now." I said with a feeling of defeat.
"Wait," Booker chimed in, once again. "Why are we going to the bar when we could've just got high?"
"I was gonna bring it up at the bar, but have you ever been high and drunk at the same time? Feels like getting a blowjob from Angelina Jolie while you're making out with Trish. It's fucking amazing!"
Hunter got cut off by the cop car pulling back up. He stopped by us and walked up to the car.
"You boys know why I'm about to give you a ticket?"
"I know damn well why," Booker blurted out. "It's because I'm black, ain't it? Ain't this some old Rodney King bullshit?"
"No. It's because I smell weed. I know you didn't think you could pull one over on a senior officer now did you?"
Steve then put a smirk on his face and stepped out of the car. I had a feeling that some serious shit was about to go down, especially considering Steve's temper.
"Hey there Mr. Officer. Now, I'm sure you could let this slide. I mean, come on, you must have seen us on TV? We could give you tickets to the next show if you want."
The guy looked puzzled. "What are you, some kind of hard rock band or something?"
"What? You mean you don't know Stone Cold? You don't know all those damn catchphrases? 'Give me a HELL YEAH!'? 'Austin 3:16'? You don't know us?"
"Not a clue. But, I'd be willing to take some cash if they pay you guys well in whatever you do."
"Oh Shit! Man, forget this; I'm turning on the tunes, man! This whole thing is stressing me out," Booker said.
Less than 15 minutes later, his action got us in the back of the cop car. He was trying to shove Adam in now as we all didn't fit. He was so frustrated he didn't even bother with the cuffs.
"Nice going, ya 5 time, 5 time, 5 time, 5 time, 5 time WCW champion asshole!" JBL screamed at him.
"Man, how the hell was I supposed to know that the big guy had the NWA CD in there and it just so happened to auto-play the track "Fuck Tha Police" when I turned it on?"
Steve Austin and Adam were still stuck outside as the officer still had problems fitting us all in there. I then saw my opportunity and stepped out of the car to offer my services.
"Officer, if I may," I said before I knockout punched the shit out of him. He was out for the count.
"What the fuck?" Hunter yelled.
"Yeah, pop that sucka!" Booker yelled out too.
"Alright," I said, regaining control of the situation. "Now let's get back into the car and be on our way before he waked up and remembers all this."
"Okay, everyone in the car!" Adam yelled. We all hopped back into the Camry and I stuck the key in and tried to turn on the car to no avail.
"Wait, why are we back in the fucking car that didn't work in the first place?" I yelled.
"Damn," Hunter said. "I'm the weed smoker here yet you guys are the ones acting all stupid and high on me. Do you smoke marijuana a lot? I think it killed some of your brain cells."
"Well what now?" JBL asked. We all thought until Steve piped up.
"The cop car!"
We all turned to look at it as we unloaded out of the stupid-ass Camry. I would have to pay a shitload considering I rented it and now it's done for.
"We already assaulted a cop, we don't need to do grand theft auto now to add to the rap sheet," Adam said.
"Well do you wanna wait until he wakes up? Trust me, he can deport your ass back to Canada in a second now that we pissed him off."
"Okay, put him in the car," Booker said with a smirk. "I got a plan…"