I wrote this awhile ago and never edited or posted it so I'm doing that now. It's not very well edited because I did myself which I never do cause I'm not very good at editing my own writing so I hope there aren't any mistakes that I missed but if there are please tell me and I'll try to fix them. Also I got this idea from my dad so he gets credit for that. Also I'm the only one who's read this so I don't know if it's any good but if you like it (or don't) please tell me. Anyway I hope you like it!

I think this is it. I think I'm going to die today. The thought doesn't scare me like it used to. I think I've accepted it. Or maybe I just want to stop feeling like this. I haven't been out of this hospital bed in weeks and I'm in so much pain.

I think that's been the hardest part, the illness. Aside from the physical pain and suffering, I can't stand what it's done to me and the people I love. Collins practically lives here. He's lying with his arms around me right now. Everybody else visits as often as they can. They schedule their whole lives around these visits.

Not that I'm ungrateful. I love them and I'm so happy I found a family who loves me enough to stay with me through all this. But they have their own problems. I see the way Maureen and Joanne look at each other from opposite sides of the room, and how Roger won't look Mimi in the eye anymore. I don't want to be a burden. They've already done so much for me.

I don't really like the idea of being taken care of either. I've always taken care of myself. But now if it's not my friends taking care of me it's doctors or nurses. I can't even get up to go to the bathroom anymore. That guy from Life Support was right. You do lose your dignity.

But no, I'm not afraid to die. I'm only worried about the people I'm leaving behind. Mimi still hasn't gone to rehab, Mark's afraid of ending up alone, and Roger needs to realize that he needs Mimi. And then there's Collins. I'm the most worried about him. I know if he died I'd be a mess. But I want him to be happy. I hope he finds a way to move on and enjoy his life after I'm gone. That's the only thing that really worries me about dying.

I try not to think about the sad things, but when you're in the hospital bed all day, everyday for months you have a lot of time to think. I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about life. I realized how much there is you can't control. You really don't know what will happen in a year.

And I realized something. There's a moment in everyone's life, no matter how long you live, when you've lived half your life. You don't know when it happens or when it's going to happen, so you just go about your day like you always do. But you have no idea that your life is half over

It's kind of haunting if you think about it too much. If I die today I was ten years old when got to the halfway point. Back then I never would've thought I'd be here, in a hospital about to die. But I also never thought find all the love I did. There's no other way I'd want my life to end than with Collins here with me. That's why I don't regret anything that's happened. If it hadn't happened I would never have had the best year of my life.

I think Collins knows I'm going to die today. I can hear him crying softly into my hair. I lean into him slightly so he knows I'm still here. Anything more than that would take all the energy I have left. He moves his hand from my side and strokes my hair.

If I could've known when I reached the halfway point I don't think I'd want to. The more I've thought about it the more I've realized that the not knowing is a wonderful part of life. That's why I've always tried to live for the moment. Because you don't know what the future will be like and in some ways that's exciting, but what's happening now is what matters because you don't know how much time you have left. You don't know when you've come halfway because you don't know which day will be your last.