Hello, fanboys and fangirls of Fanfiction! Welcome to yet another story thrown together in a couple of hours. To avoid future confusion, I would like to outline a few things before the main story begins. First thing's first:
I, Tralfmadoria, am the Narrator.
That means :
I am not the author in this fic.
(serious emphasis on "not")
There is a big difference between me and the author: He can interact with the characters of Castelvania because after some really freaky voodoo ritual he learned over the internet, he inserted himself into the 'retcon' section of the Castlevania universe. This is why you're hearing things from my perspective and not his. The author…still hasn't returned to our universe. I'm actually starting to grow a little worried about him. But anyways, he is just your average author. Likeable, if you know him in person. Oh, wait, that reminds me, another important point:
The author is male.
That little detail is an important one to remember for…um…well…(how the hell do I make this not sound weird?)…uh…it's important for future events. Unless your squeamish, in that case, just forget that part because of…uh…future events that make me want to scratch my eyes out. Oh, I'm 99% sure that he isn't gay, but when he sees a few of his videogame idols, he does this geek-out thing that really makes me wonder…
Well, that long and drawn out explanation out of the way, lets see what happens when your average fanfiction author inserts himself into the Castlevania universe.
Symphony of the Night: The Author Insertion
Transylvania. Year 1797. In the darkened twilight, a mysterious and bone-chilling fog rose up from the surrounding lake. Ominous streaks of lightning shot out of the sky, leaving abstract blotches of light glowing against the smooth stone structure in the distance. That strangely jagged structure in the distance…
It was a dreadful and horrifying stone castle. Having been rumored to appear once every century, the terror and revulsion felt by everyone who had ever gazed at the castle over the centuries was still fresh in the air. Deep within the heart of that edifice to malice and chaos, the final battle to decide the fate of the world was about to begin.
"Ugh…No!" cried out the Dark Priest Shaft as he fell crashing to the floor. Standing over him, a terrifying vision of an archangel, was the only son of Lord Dracula. He was the half-vampire, Alucard.
He began to speak in a deep voice which echoed through the room with a sense of final judgment.
"You claim to love the darkness. Go then and dwell there for all eternity!"
The Dark Priest Shaft could feel his life ebbing away. But one thing remained finished. Shaft sneered as he spoke his final words.
"Bu…but my goal is achieved…Count Dracula is come to purify this corrupt world with the searing flames of chaos!"
And with one last jolting laugh, Shaft and his enchantments burst into blue flames which left no trace behind. Was Alucard alone now?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It came out of nowhere. All of the sudden, he heard the slight sound of the stone scraping behind him. A shape on the central obelisk near the back wall slid open.
It was an eye.
Alucard felt as the room began growing distant. The light faded as he was surrounded by an all penetrating blackness. Although he was unable to sense anything, Alucard knew what this meant. He called out into the darkness.
"Father…"
A nearby presence responded in a regal, triumphant voice.
"Well met, my son! It's been a long time."
That voice sent a shiver down Alucard's spine. The darkness drew back slightly, revealing none other than the Lord of Castlevania himself, Lord Dracula.
"I was hoping we would not see each other again. I can't allow you to leave here, Father."
Lord Dracula responded with a bemused expression on his face and a slight hint of anger in his voice.
"You have ever been the ally of humans. Have you forgotten what they did to your Mother?"
Alucard took a deep breath. He now knew that confrontation was inevitable. He spoke with greater resolve.
"Think you I would forget such a thing? No. But neither do I seek revenge against them."
From a different direction, Alucard heard the faint noise of rushed footsteps heading in his direction. Not hearing this, Lord Dracula's bemused expression widened at his son's remark.
"Still uttering the same nonsense. No matter. Now is the time to put aside your weak human side, and join me in remaking this world!"
He began drawing power from the darkness. Alucard shouted one final resolve before preparing for this final battle."
"Dracula! In the name of my Mother, I will defeat you again!"
Lord Dracula was about to transform into a giant flying monster, when something strange, well timed, and completely bizarre happened.
"WAIT!!!!" cried someone coming just into view. Running in between the combatants, the figure of a cute, fifteen year old girl began catching her breath. When she spoke, she spoke in an annoying, nasal, male voice. One that I as Narrator was shocked to hear because I recognized it. It was Tony?
"WHAW!!1!! OMG DID I GET HER3 IN TIEM?!!?!! OMG WTF…DID I GET HERE FAST 3NOUGH 2 HEAR U TWO TOK AL FUNY AND STUF?!?!??!!! WTF"
Alucard and Lord Dracula stared gawking at the newcomer. Neither could imagine who this was, what language he…or she…or it was speaking, or, more importantly, why this person had disrupted their climactic and exciting duel.
The newcomer shouted something else to get their attention:
"WUT UP??!???!?! OMG WTF IM DARKCRYNGANGALD3MONDRAGGON!1!! OMG WTF IMA FANFICTION WRIETR!1111 WTF LOL DO U GUYS WANA LIEK HELP ME WIT ONA?!?!! LOL B/C I NED ONE OF U AND OTACON FROM M3TAL GEAR SOLID AND HARY POT3R SO TAHT I CAN DO A YAOI FIC!11111"
Yes, from that Fanfiction pen name, I could definitely tell that this was Tony, the fanfiction author. He thought that the pen name "Dark Crying Angel Demon Dragon" was the coolest name that will ever appear on Fanfiction, so he went with it. And by the way, I did translate his penname. If you ever found it on Fanfiction, it would read "DARKCRYNGANGALD3MONDRAGGON!1!!" Yes, with the all-caps and the two g's in the word dragon and the exclamation marks.
I began seriously wondering why and how he took the form of a 15 year old girl. I mean, he's been doing some pretty crazy things since he started learning all of those crazy voodoo rituals from the internet, so maybe one of them lets you do a sex change. Believe me, read some of the stuff posted by DARKCRYNGANGALD3MONDRAGGON!1!!, and things like sex changes resulting from voodoo rituals seem like common, everyday events. But I'm going off topic. This is about Castlevania and what happened to those who are in that universe:
Dracula was the first to work up enough nerve to talk to the disruptor.
"Pardon? From whence did that dialect come?"
The female body with a male voice that I recognized stared wide eyed at Dracula for a few seconds before letting out another barrage.
"SQUEEE!1111 OMG WTF LOL IMM LIEK TOKNG 2 A VMPIER11!!!11 TAHTS LIEK SO COOL!1111!1 OMG WTF LOL ROLF LMAO!!!!!!!!!"
Alucard was the next to be daring.
"For what reason have you entered this cursed castle?"
Tony turned and, for a good long minute, stared all googly-eyed at Alucard. The next sonic blast was even louder than the first…
"WOW1111 UR LIEK SO HOT111! OMG WTF LOL U LOK JUST LIEK ADWARD FROM TWILIGT BUT NOT LIEK HIM B/C U HAEV TAHT SEXY LONG WHIET HARE1!1!!! LOL IMM LIEK SOOO GONA WRIET A FANFICTION ABOUT TIS."
He ran up to Alucard and kissed him on the hand. Alucard drew back, revolted, but not before Tony started another high-pitched squealing noise.
Despite the language barrier, Dracula began to understand that he was in the presence of a silly, 15 year old without a life. He decided more authority in his address was needed.
"Silence! Quit your petulant inane babbling! Now is the time to leave my castle instantly lest you desire a pair of fangs in your neck!"
Now, I know Tony pretty well. Like many kids growing up, the concept of "Vampire" was instantly cool and dangerous. But even then, I kind of think his response to this a little bit on the extreme side:
"UR GONG 2 LIEK TURN MA IN2 A VMPIER?!?!?!?! WTF LOL TAHT IS LIEK SOO COL!!!1!!!1 WTF LOL PLZ PLZ PLZ DO IT NOW!111!!1 LOL IMM KINDA SCAERD TAHT I MIGHT LIEK KIL AL MAH FMILY AND AL MAH FREINDS AND AL MAH N3IGHBORS AND ANYONE 3LSE WHO GETS NEAR ME BUT TAHT WUD B SO COL111! OMG WTF LOL DO IT NOW PLZ?!!!?!!? OMG WTF LOL"
Oh, great, now when comes home, I'll be one of the first things on his mind when he thinks of the word "Dinner." But enough about me, because what happens next is pretty funny and very disturbing: Tony ran around to the backside of Dracula, jumped onto his back, and for reason that escape even a close friend like me, he did something that deserves it's own line because it bears emphasis:
He started to dry-hump Lord Dracula, the most evil and demonic creature known to the Castlevania universe.
Yikes.
Now keep in mind that as a Narrator, I feel obligated to keep myself out of the story I am telling. Imagine I kept talking about myself as I introduced the dark and mysterious Castlevania and all the fog and lightning and all of that. Imagine I talked about me and my reactions as Alucard and his demonic father dramatically confronted each other. What would be different?
The mood would have been ruined, that's what.
And this is when the epiphany struck me. Looking back at myself, I did keep myself out of the story until Tony showed up. I then tried to explain his behavior the best I could using personal experience, and afterwards I apologized because as the Narrator, I shouldn't be in the story.
But now that Tony has forced himself into the story, I don't think it matters much that I talk about myself. In fact, I am now essential to the plot, because without me, everyone reading this would be confused as hell right now. It's up to me to try and explain his behavior as clearly as possible.
But if you want to know why he's dry-humping Dracula, then good luck trying to find your own answers, because I don't have any.
And I've learned something very important about Fanfiction in general: Any time an author is directly inserted into a different universe, they will only make it worse. I mean, in a matter of two seconds, Tony managed to ruin what was already some of the cheesiest dialogue in gaming history.
I wanted to do so much. I wanted to break the fourth wall and explain to Alucard that the person who just kissed him, and the person who was currently dry-humping Dracula was in fact a male. I wanted to go there and start kicking Tony for being an idiot. Because I'm very hungry right now, I also wouldn't mind smashing a few stones loose in the castle's entrance so that I could find a delicious Castlevania Pot Roast…
But I'm just the Narrator. I don't make the story up, I just write down what happens. That's the end of the story. All that happened afterwards was Dracula got angry, threw Tony off of his back, and then did this weird interdimensional shift thing to him. Alucard and Dracula sat there for a few minutes, regaining their composure and trying in vain to revert back to the tense and dramatic moods they were in before a dedicated Fanfiction author showed up. It didn't work.
Tony was and still is stuck in limbo inside some other strange dimension. He was still in the form of a girl. As far as I could tell, he was transported to the year 2005. He is currently wondering around in a cardboard box inside some top secret nuclear disposal facility way up North in Alaska's Fox Archipelago…Hey, wait a minute…
Top secret nuclear disposal facility?
Alaska's Fox Archipelago?
Cardboard Box?
Oh snap…Metal Gear , I had better end the story right here. Someone (me) is going to have to watch him make an ass of himself in another videogame universe. I really don't know which will happen first. Will the legendary Solid Snake find him and kill him for stealing the beloved box, or will Tony find Snake and compete with Meryl for his affections? Or…God forbid…will he find Otacon and continue his plans for this amazing new yaoi fic?
Let's just wait and see what happens…