Every few months or so, I emerge out of my cave and crank one of these babies out.
After hearing CS was leaving the show I thought of various ways the situation could play out and realized almost all roads lead to WilSon. Which, if you couldn't tell over the years from my writing, is not my cup of tea.
It became my civic duty to give Will a few different options.
Warnings for the fic as a whole: dubcon like whoa. Individual chapters will be properly labeled with a note at the bottom explaining the warning so no one gets triggered.
Also, warning for me being a flake. Not even gonna lie, the chances of me posting this fic and disappearing into the unknown are high. So, ya know, prepare for that.
Important to note, if a character in the story isn't on the show anymore or if things conflict with a current storyline, handwave that away.
*Title from the Avenue Q song entitled "The More You Ruv Someone"
The More You Love Someone…
The More You Want To Kill Them
*TW: dubcon. See A/N at the bottom of the page for details*
Prologue
In a way, Will didn't blame Paul. Paul wanted to protect himself. He didn't want to lose Will on any terms but his own.
On the other hand, though, Will blamed Paul entirely. Who was he to make decisions for Will? Who was he to decide who Will could or couldn't date? Who was he to dismiss Will's choice? To not trust Will knew his own mind?
Stupid, insecure idiot.
Will thought they spent the past several months building something strong, something sturdy. Something meant to last.
Will never experienced trust and understanding like they had. Or so he thought.
Maybe their relationship focused on Will too much. Maybe Will focused on Will too much. Because he thought Paul understood how he felt. Thought Paul knew why Will wanted his memories back in the first place. It wasn't about understanding his past love. Well, it was. It was about appreciating his past, understanding everything he went through. Understanding himself as a whole person. So he could love Paul with everything he had, past and present.
Will thought Paul appreciated that. He thought he explained it well enough. Thought Paul knew how much Will adored him. That no memories of a failed marriage were going to change anything.
Clearly, Will didn't know anything.
He didn't pay enough attention to Paul's needs and insecurities. If he had, neither would be in this ridiculous situation.
His kind, protective, boyfriend wouldn't rush halfway across the globe on some inane undercover mission. He wouldn't leave with lingering kisses and useless platitudes. Wouldn't ramble on about Will finding the man he truly wants. He wouldn't be so selfless and idiotic. Will wouldn't be in Salem, alone. Memories inching their way into his consciousness, ex-husband hounding his every step.
Convinced Will's memories of Sonny were stronger than what they built together, Paul left. And here Will was, confused, hurt, and mad as hell.
If Paul wanted Will to explore his options, explore he would do.
#1
After the serum, Will's memories came back in a slow, nonsensical order. He couldn't wade through the mess of timelines, names, and half-understood events alone. Without Paul there to steady him, Will turned to Marlena and Lucas the most. With their help, he started pasting together his past.
Everything he remembered, Will wrote down in the journal Sami gave him. After talking with Grandma or Dad, he would write an estimate of the date the memory occurred. Sometimes he even scoured old newspaper clippings to help get an approximate date. Anything to help understand the jumble of ill-fitting moments he couldn't decipher.
Everything would have gone easier if his kind and patient boyfriend were around to help. Or, at least, Paul's presence would soothe, comfort, and distract Will.
But, as Paul was a stupid idiot, Will was alone.
He often wondered if taking the serum was the right choice. What did the past matter if Will had a bright future ahead of him? Or, at least, he did.
Paul leaving, his mess of memories, and constant pounding behind his eyes wouldn't hurt so badly if not for Sonny.
The first time Will saw Sonny in Tennessee, he felt nothing. Even with the dark lighting and Sonny flickering to life at the sight of him, nothing. No niggling in the back of his mind, no curiosity, nothing.
Nothing but a hint of annoyance and an ache in his heels from standing on his feet all day. Those initial feelings never went away either.
Even after arriving in Salem, Will didn't feel any indication Sonny was once important to him. Not with the compulsion that drew him to Paul. In the beginning, Will felt nothing towards Sonny one way or the other. A hint of regret or pity at not being what Sonny wanted but not much else. Over time, annoyance won over. With the constant barging in on his time, the self-entitled way Sonny acted. The single-mindedness that the only reason Will wanted his memories were for Sonny. As if anything other than Sony wasn't an option.
Will didn't believe anything Sonny ever told him about their former relationship. And, as his memories took shape, Will realized he was right.
Almost everything Sonny said was a lie. Or a truth so warped and convoluted it no longer resembled the truth.
Will didn't remember everything yet but he remembered enough. He remembered months of arguing and hurt and broken promises. He remembered anxieties and manipulations and endless lists of his every fucking flaw. He remembered cheating and lying. Thinking deep down, he never, ever felt anything like those few times with Paul.
Most of all, Will remembered how insecure he felt the entirety of his relationship with Sonny. Never feeling worthy. Never feeling like an equal. Having to fight through parental disapproval over and over and over.
No, Will refused to go back to ever feeling that way over a man again.
That's not to say Will didn't feel anything for Sonny. He did marry the man, after all. There was an attraction between them. It wasn't as magnetic as what Will felt for Paul but it was undeniable. Sonny was nice enough when he wasn't pressuring Will. He was smart and competent enough when he wasn't playing at being a tough guy or sleeping with people he shouldn't.
But, memories or no memories, Will couldn't see them together. Not in the way Sonny or even Paul expected.
The irony wasn't lost on Will either. After everything, after all the judging and the ostracizing, Sonny and Paul were fighting over Will.
Or, they were before Paul threw in the towel. Before he ran as far away as he could to not witness whatever he feared between Will and Sonny. Having gone through something similar himself, Will understood. He didn't like it and thought Paul was a big giant moron. But he got it.
Which is how he knew something like tonight would have never happened if Paul were still in town. Will would be sitting in his bed right now, Paul's strong arms wrapped around him, fingertips entwined. Netflix streaming on the TV without the two even watching.
But Paul wasn't here.
Paul left. He left Will. Left Will with a barrage of memories hitting him from all sides. Emotions garbled together. Old insecurities and newfound confidence warring around inside him. So much resentment and anger over taking away his choices, at not trusting Will. At believing their relationship would disappear when his memories returned.
Paul left but Sonny didn't.
Knock Knock Knock
Will spit out the pen sticking out of his mouth and closed it inside his journal. He wasn't making much progress with his memories tonight anyway. Something about a tin and New Year's. It didn't make much sense yet.
"Oh," Will mumbled when he opened the door. "Sonny. Again."
He sighed, holding onto the side of the door with a tight grip. Paul hadn't even been gone more than a few days and Sonny wouldn't stop hovering.
Why did everyone assume what he felt for Paul would disappear without amnesia?
"Hi," Sonny quipped, bristling with energy. Grin bright even with Will's less than joyous greeting. "How are you?"
"You saw me two hours ago," Will pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand.
"Well, a lot can change in such a short time. I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop by."
Will didn't believe that for a single second but didn't know what else to do. If he turned Sonny away, he'd come back the next day even harder. Better to appease him now and get it over with.
Will pushed the door open the rest of the way and turned around. He made sure to sit at his desk chair, keeping far away from his bed.
Sonny didn't have any such problems. He sat, back straight, posture and smile confident, right in the middle of the bed.
"What's this?" Sonny asked, picking up Will's journal.
"Nothing," Will jumped from his spot, reaching for the book as Sonny opened it up. The pen marking where Will left off.
Sonny skimmed the words, holding the book out of Will's reach.
"No, give that back," Will urged.
He reached his arms around Sonny, failing to reach the journal. The two ended up in a tangle of limbs. Sonny leaning on the bed, book outstretched. Will's arms wrapped around Sonny, kneeling over him.
Sonny laughed, angling his head to grin up at Will.
"You're remembering."
Will finally snatched the book out of Sonny's hands, easing himself up into a standing position. Journal held tight to his chest.
Sonny didn't move much at all. He reclined on the bed, elbows holding him up.
"I still have that tin. I can show you," Sonny offered, a smile never once leaving his face.
"I don't even know what it means. I told you. What I do remember doesn't make much sense yet," Will said, tightening his grip on the journal.
"But you will remember," Sonny promised. "You'll remember how important it was to you, to us."
Will stood still as Sonny sat up. He reached his hands out, grabbing Will's wrists in a firm hold.
"I use that tin to hold my New Year's resolutions for the year. I write something down I want to happen and on New Year's Eve I check to see if it came true."
Will swallowed, lips in a straight line as Sonny's thumb traced over the top of his hand.
"I've had good luck when it comes to you and those resolutions," Sonny continued, head cocked to the side. "When we're together this year and you see what I wrote down; we'll have another memory to make."
"That's a lot of presumption," Will said, pulling away at last. He turned around, putting the journal in the top drawer of his desk.
Sonny followed. His front pressed against Will's back.
"No, it's not," Sonny said with a breathy laugh, arms sliding around Will's waist. "It's inevitable."
Will, lips pressed together, nostrils flaring, held still as a statue.
"I'm not too big on inevitability right now."
"You will be," Sonny whispered, nose pressed into the back of Will's ear. Hands firm along Will's hips. "You wanna know what my resolution was? It's the same as the one you almost remember. The same as it'll always be."
Will shivered, Sonny's breath ghosting along his sensitive neck. God, he didn't know how to react.
He was so sick and tired of everyone telling him what to do. So tired of everyone waiting for him to run into Sonny's arms like a well-trained dog. But he couldn't deny the attention felt nice, the affection. Couldn't deny how it felt to have someone, anyone, hold him and tell him how much they wanted him. Especially Sonny, Sonny, who Will started to remember left him without a word. Abandoned him before he died. Sonny who made Will chase and chase and chase until he couldn't chase anymore.
It wasn't Paul's arms around him and it wasn't Paul's confident, sexy words. Because Paul left.
Paul left and Sonny stayed.
Wouldn't it be nice, inevitability? Wouldn't it be nice to stop hiding behind corners when he saw Sonny coming? Wouldn't it be nice to fall into something comfortable?
Even if only for a little while.
Will cleared his throat, words small and unsure.
"Wh-what did you write?"
Will could hear the smile in Sonny's voice, could feel the pressure in the arms around him tighten. Could feel Sonny's groin pushing against his bottom.
"Get Will Horton to fall in love with me."
Something nudged at the back of his mind. Disbelief and skepticism hitting him in equal waves. Will wasn't even certain if these were old feelings or new. But he could picture it. Sitting in a bed, play fighting over a tin. Feeling like everything would always be okay as long as Sonny kept looking at him that way.
Will didn't notice when Sonny started kissing behind his ear. He didn't react much at all beyond a slight trembling. It felt almost like it was happening to someone else instead of him. His mind too far into the past to differentiate what was happening now.
He didn't push Sonny away.
Not when Sonny's lips roamed his neck. Not when Sonny unbuttoned his shirt, pulled down his jeans, hands mapping his exposed skin. Not when Sonny pulled him toward the bed, shoving him against the pillows.
Will didn't push Sonny away. But he didn't do much of anything at all, either.
Head fighting between the past and the present, Will let Sonny touch him, kiss him. Let his hands and mouth worship Will until both were nearly nude. It wasn't until Sonny flipped Will onto his front, face pressing into the pillows did Will stir.
The pillows still smelled like Paul.
Will clung to them every night since Paul left, half desperation, half exasperation. Hating Paul so much for leaving him behind and knowing he could never really hate him at all. Understanding and hating that he did in equal measure.
Paul loved Will. He might not have said it in such explicit terms but Will knew. He said it in his actions and in his words. How he listened and the way he let Will be himself, always. Paul didn't have to say it. Will knew. Just like the way Paul knew how Will felt. Or the way Will thought Paul knew.
Maybe if both were a little more vocal, they wouldn't be in this position. Paul overseas and Will in his underwear with Sonny Kiriakis rubbing against him.
Paul left, yes. He left so it would be easier for Will to be with Sonny.
So, why didn't Will want it?
When Sonny's fingertips dug into the waistband of Will's boxers, Will finally did something.
"Wait," Will ordered, panting. Only now feeling his own erection digging into the mattress below him. He dislodged Sonny until they were face to face on their knees. "Wait, stop."
"What?" Sonny asked, chest heaving.
Will, keeping his eyes on Sonny's face and nothing else, said, as always with Sonny, the wrong thing.
"Paul."
Will could see the change in Sonny right away. See the lines harden on his face. See his posture tense, his hands, already reaching out for Will, clench into fists.
"Paul isn't here. He left you, remember?"
Will, hiding a wince, nodded.
"Yeah, he did. But I can't do this," Will gestured between himself and Sonny.
"Yes, we can," Sonny urged, hands unclenching and reaching for Will's naked skin once more. "We can finally be together again, the way we should have all along."
Will turned his head to the side when Sonny went in for a kiss. He scrambled off the bed, looking for his clothes.
God, he didn't even remember Sonny taking them off. Didn't even know how this happened or how he let it get this far.
"No, no, no, come back," Sonny said. He took Will's shirt out of his hands and tossed it over his head.
"Hey," Will complained.
"This is everything we need," Sonny backed Will up against the wall. "This will prove exactly how good together we really are."
Sonny kissed him again only for Will to push him away.
"Stop doing that," Will ordered, keeping a fair bit of distance between them.
"Why?" Sonny huffed. Voice a strange combination of incredulous and whiny. "Because of Paul? He left you, Will. He left and I'm here. I'm here and I want you."
"Well," Will stood up taller, eyes holding Sonny steady. "I don't want you."
For a few seconds, Will didn't know how Sonny would respond.
"This is stupid," Sonny said after struggling to find his words. "You and I are always going to come back to each other in the end."
"Stop it with your inevitable, crap," Will groaned. He marched around the small space, gathering Sonny's clothes. "I decide my life. Me. Not you, not Paul, not fate, not anyone. Me. And what I want is for you to leave."
Will opened his door and tossed Sonny's clothes into the hallway. Melodramatic? Yes, but Will was not going to be in such a small enclosed space with Sonny when he was like this any longer.
He didn't even care that a somewhat familiar looking man at the end of the hallway saw him. The only neighbor Will knew was Paul and that didn't matter anymore.
Sonny stomped the short walk out the door. He gathered up his clothes, staring at Will in disbelief.
"There isn't any point denying me. I'm all you have left."
"Yeah?" Will asked, throwing Sonny's shoes at his feet. "We'll see about that."
Will slammed the door closed, leaving Sonny with the man standing at the end of the hallway.
Throwing his hands over his face, Will let out a loud, frustrated groan.
He was stupid. He was so stupid.
Sonny was stupid.
Paul was stupid.
Will was the stupidest of them all.
He didn't know what was wrong with him tonight. Why he almost let Sonny do whatever he wanted. Why the thought of Paul pulled him away when Paul himself told Will to be with Sonny.
Will didn't know much of anything these days.
After locking the deadbolt, hearing Sonny grumbling outside, Will headed for the bathroom. He needed a long shower to wash away the memories of the past and the unease of the present.
Certain of one thing, though. Whoever Will ended up with in the end, it wouldn't be Sonny Kiriakis.
A/N
Trigger warning: dubcon. Will gets caught up in a memory and neither actively participates nor pushes Sonny away when Sonny starts kissing and disrobing Will. Sonny also gets pushy when Will finally tells him to stop but ultimately listens to Will.