One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

by sniggles

A Sarah Cooper story. You take two steps back for every one step forward...

I don't own the West Wing characters. I don't own Sarah Cooper. HOWEVER, I do own Sian, and a stake in Melody, so...

This story fits into the Sarahverse somewhere after "Getting to Yes". Where, we don't quite know yet - we just know it fits in there somewhere, right around the beginning to middle of May.

For Janie, God bless the rewrite Queen!



"One Step Forward, Two Steps Back"
by Rebecca A. Anderson with Jane Harper
sniggles@claudia-jean.net & webmistress@leomcgarry.net
March 2001


God, what a day. CJ got home at about 12:30, threw her coat on the sofa, and went to check her answering machine. *OK, Mom. Did you manage to call me today?* She began to play back her messages: Three messages from Carol, reminding her to write down changed appointments in her datebook. One message from the President, reminding her about the chili feast on Friday - she entered a mental reminder to pick up more Pepcid. One message from her aunt, wishing her a happy birthday early, since Aunt Maud was going to be in France on the actual date... and one that made her blood run cold in her veins.

"Ms. Cregg, this is Melody Stevens. My phone number is (510)555-4690. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but if you're the CJ Cregg who lived at 2470 Ashby in Berkeley in 1979-1980, we need to talk. I was born in June of 1980, at 5:23 AM on the twenty-fifth. If this has any significance for you, please call me. Thank you... goodbye."

CJ sat down on the couch before her knees collapsed out from under her. *This isn't happening. Not after all this time. It can't be. She took a deep, calming breath, and tried to think calmly and rationally. Twenty years. It's been twenty years. God knows I've wondered about her-wondered what she was like, how she grew up, if I'd do the same thing over again. Now, maybe ... ? Do I want to chance this?*

Slowly, she reached for her cordless phone on the table beside the couch and dialed the phone number that was burned into her mind.

"Hello?"

"Hi, can I speak to Melody, please?"

"Who's calling?"

"CJ Cregg."

"Okay, hold on." A hand covered the receiver, and she heard a muffled, "Mellie! Some lady named CJ Cregg's on the phone!" The hand came off, and the voice said, "She'll be here in a sec."

"Okay, thanks," CJ said, her heart beating wildly in her chest. *I hope to hell this is the right thing to do. Usually when I lead with my heart ...*

"Ms. Cregg?" came the same quiet voice that had been on the answering machine.

"Yes."

"I'm glad you called..."

"I... I am, too, I guess," CJ admitted. "How did you find me? And ... why?"

"Because I... I need to know about my family. My biological family. I need to find out about certain medical conditions that could possibly exist in my genetic makeup, and..."

"Okay. Are you ... ill?"

"I'm sorry if I bothered you, but this is important."

"It's okay," CJ assured her. "I understand."

"I bet you're wondering how I got your phone number."

"The thought had occurred to me, yes. It's not easy to track down the President's Press Secretary at home."

"My father is a professor at UC-Berkeley, and he has access to the alumni files. He helped me."

"Oh, well, that was simple enough," CJ said with a tense laugh.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"No, don't worry about it. You used what avenues were open to you. It's okay." She took a deep breath, then said, "So, tell me a little about you?"

"Well, I'm a student at UC-Berkeley, I live in a dorm with my best friend, Laura, who answered the phone. I'm majoring in art history, and minoring in creative writing. I have a novel that's going to be published next fall, and... well, the rest doesn't matter," Melody said. "What about you?"

"What do you already know about me?"

"Well I know where you live and what you do ... Do you have pets? Are you married? Do you have friends?"

"I have a goldfish named Gail, no, I'm not married, and yes, I do have friends. I should ask you the same things."

"Okay, I have a parrot named Bartlet, no, I'm not married, and of course I have friends."

*A parrot named Bartlet?* CJ stifled a laugh.

"I... I know this is hard for you, Ms. Cregg...."

"Call me CJ, please. Ms. Cregg is reserved for my personal enemies," CJ said with a chuckle.

"CJ... I know this is hard for you. It's hard for me, too, but... I have to know. I need to know."

"Yeah. Maybe we could meet somewhere, somewhere public, I don't know if or when I can get away though."

"Wherever you're comfortable. I don't want to push too hard."

"Give me a couple of days to finagle something into my schedule, and I'll give you a call back, okay?"

"Yes, that's fine with me. Do you have e-mail?"

"Yes."

"May I send a picture to you?"

"I guess so... my address is ccregg@hotmail.com ."

"Okay - mine is unchainedmelody@fruitgrove.net ."

"I'll look forward to that e-mail," CJ said with a soft smile.

"I have to go... I have an astronomy class in ten minutes."

"Professor Aadams?"

"Yup."

"Is that old fart still around?" CJ asked with a chuckle. "I thought he'd never die!" She wiped the tears from her eyes.

"You're right, he won't.... I'll talk to you later, CJ. Thank you so much...."

"You're welcome, Melody. I'll call you later."

"Bye."

"Good-bye." CJ hung up the phone and put her head in her hands. "God, help me, please," she whispered, wiping away her tears. "Help me do the right thing."





"Hey, CJ," Sian greeted as she went by. "Have you seen Uncle Leo?"

"Not recently, no... try the Oval - I think he and Josh are in with the President," CJ said, losing her battle to juggle her briefcase and six large files - all of which ended up hitting the floor. "Shit."

"Here, let me help," Sian insisted, crouching down to pick up the files. "Here you go," she said, handing them back to CJ. "See you later," she said as CJ continued down the corridor at a brisk clip. "Or not..." she said, rising again to her feet and heading for her uncle's office. "Hey, Mags - I need to see him right now."

"He's in with Josh and the President," Margaret said. "You wanna wait?"

Sian swallowed. "It can't wait."

"Sian?"

"Mum's coming tomorrow."

"Oh no..."

"Yeah... I've got to tell him, Mags."

"Go in and sit, and I'll get him for you," Margaret said, closing the door.

When Leo came in, he looked worried. "Sweet Pea, what's the matter? Margaret said it was an emergency..." He saw the pale, drawn countenance of his niece. "Margaret, get us two bottles of water, please." He sat down on the couch beside Sian. "Sian, what's wrong?"

"Mum's coming."

"Oh God... When? Does Sarah know?"

"Tomorrow, and no, I haven't told her. I thought you needed to know first, and maybe you could tell me what to do next," Sian confessed. "I don't know..."

"Okay, Sweet Pea, c'mere," Leo said quietly, drawing her into a comforting hug. "It'll be okay," he promised.

She shook her head as Margaret brought in the water. They waited until Margaret had left, then Sian said, "She's staying with Ginger and me."

"Sweetie..."

"No - as long as she's not with you and Sarah, it's going to be fine. And I think... maybe... Gin and I can handle her," she said completely unconvincingly.

"If I get a call from Ginger, saying you've drunk yourself silly, I swear to God, I will kill you with my own two hands," he vowed.

"I stopped that. And I'm not starting it again," Sian said softly. "It'll take all of my strength, especially since I haven't told her about Gin and me, yet."

"You'll tell her when you're ready, Sweet Pea."

"Thank God the apartment has three bedrooms," Sian said with a hefty sigh, burying her head in his shoulder. "We can pretend we're not sleeping together until she's ready to deal with it."

"It'll be okay, baby doll," Leo promised, kissing her on the forehead. "I've got to get back to work. You and Ginger come over for dinner tonight, and we'll tell Sarah."

"'Kay... love you," she murmured, kissing him on the cheek. "See you tonight," she said softly, rising from her seat and leaving.

Leo waited until she was gone before going back into the Oval Office, where Jed and Josh were glaring at each other. "I leave for ten minutes, and you two resort to being children?" Leo grumbled.

"He started it," Josh and the President said at the same time, pointing at each other.

"Yeah, whatever."

"So, what's up?" the President inquired.

"Sian had something she had to tell me immediately."

"What? She's found a nice guy who won't beat her and is gonna settle down?" Bartlet asked.

"Very funny, sir - you know she's involved with Ginger," Josh grumbled. "Though it's not from lack of trying on my part..."

"Josh, if you touch my niece with lust in your heart, I'll let Sarah kill ya," Leo said, waving a finger at Josh.

Josh shook his head. "Sarah won't kill me - she loves me."

"Uh-huh.... Let's just wait and see, shall we?" Leo contradicted with a smirk.

"Okay, Sniggles is off my list."

"And don't call her that!"

"Okay, okay..."

"Is Sian coming for chili on Friday?" the President asked.

"Of course."

"Good... she's never had my chili before!"

"For which she's eternally grateful," Josh muttered, earning glares from both men.

"That does it, you're on KP," Bartlet said. "Now, let's get back to work."






"What? You're kidding," Sarah accused. "Lizzie's coming? Here?"

"To see Sian, according to what Patrick said this afternoon," Leo said with a sigh, flopping down onto the couch with a groan.

"Well, yeah, I figured as much! But Irish... please tell me she's not staying with us."

"No. No, she's staying with Sian and Ginger."

"Oh no."

"Yeah."

"So... how are we gonna deal with this?"

"I invited the girls over for dinner, and we'll talk about it then."

"We need a strategy."

"She's not a war, Toots."

Sarah raised an eyebrow. "You sure about that?"

"Maybe."

"We better be ready for Lizzie breathing fire, otherwise we're all gonna get burned to a crisp," she said as the doorbell rang. "I've got it," she assured him when he went to get up to answer the door. She rolled over to the door and opened it, admitting Ginger first, then Sian. "Come on in and get comfortable. Dinner'll be ready soon."

"Thanks," Ginger said, sitting down on one of the recliners.

"Hi, Sarah," Sian greeted, hugging and kissing her almost-aunt. "It smells wonderful."

"Yes, it does," Ginger agreed. "But let me go on-record as saying that I think Sian's mother's visit is a really bad idea."

"No shit, Sherlock," Sian shot back.

"Keep reaching, Watson," Leo interjected.

Sarah shook her head with a short laugh. "Come on... Why, Gin?"

"Well, for one thing... she doesn't exactly relish you, Sarah, from everything I've been told," Ginger said, trying to blunt the edges of her statement. "And we know she'll probably try to stir up a shitstorm."

"Not to mention how much she's going to flip out over Gin's and my relationship," Sian sighed, collapsing on the couch next to her uncle. "Can I shoot myself now?"

"And take the coward's way out, leaving the rest of us to suffer?" Leo asked with a grunt. "I don't think so, young lady."

"Shaddup," Sian grumbled, poking him in the gut.

"Ow."

"Serves you right."

"Children . . . " Sarah said, rolling her eyes. "Like I was telling Irish here a few minutes ago, we need a strategy."

"Let's get her drunk and drive her to the middle of nowhere..." Sian suggested.

"Delaware!" Ginger chimed in with a grin while the others burst into hysterical laughter.

"Kansas," Sarah added.

"No, Alaska," Leo threw in.

"May I be so bold as to venture that, aside from what I've seen on maps, I have no idea where any of these places are," Sian said. "I was just thinking about driving her to ocean and dumping her in, but..."

"We could get the INS to deny them access to the country," Leo said with a smirk. "Close the borders?"

"Now that's a suggestion I could get behind," Ginger laughed.

"Them?" Sian said, her face paling. "I thought it was just mum..."

"No, your father's coming, too," Leo replied.

"Excuse me," she said, getting up stiffly and making a break for the bathroom.

"Oh no," Ginger said, getting up to follow her.

"Irish?" Sarah asked.

"I don't know," Leo said, shaking his head.

"Leo?" Ginger said, coming back into the room. "She's locked herself in the bathroom, and is throwing up." Panic was clearly evident on her face.

"Stay here, both of you," Sarah ordered, wheeling herself to the bathroom. She knocked on the door, trying to ignore the sounds from inside. "Sweetie, are you okay in there?"

"No," Sian groaned, gagging again.

"C'mon, baby, let me in."

"No."

"Is this because your father is coming?"

There was no answer. When Sian finally opened the door, her skin was pale with a slightly-green tinge and her eyes were glassy. "No," she said almost inaudibly. "It's because *she's* coming. Da's just the icing on the cake."

"Oh, baby," Sarah whispered, reaching out to her. Sian moved reflexively into Sarah's embrace, settling awkwardly onto her lap, and began to cry. "Shh... it's okay." Automatically, she began to rock the girl just a little, and stroke her head.

"No, no it's not... It's not okay that I'm scared shitless of my mother. It's not okay that I work myself up to the point of being ill before I see her." The words poured out of her, borne on little gasping sobs. "It's not okay that I'm an alcoholic before I'm even twenty-one!"

Ginger stood in the hallway, watching and listening, her fists slowly clenching at her sides. Leo put his hand on her shoulder, holding her back, and said, "It's not your place, or mine, or even Sarah's, to step into this. If there is any trouble while Lizzie's here, it'll be because of Sarah's relationship with Sian, not with me."

"How can anyone do this to another person? Especially one she claims to love?" she asked.

"Lizzie's always done things to try and dominate people," Leo said, as if that excuse would explain everything. "Her other six kids dealt with it just fine, but Sian... just can't deal with it. She left home when she was seventeen and went to live with her paternal grandparents in Cobh."

"I know. But it's no excuse."

"I know, Gin, I know..."

"I don't know how well I'm going to be able to keep things in line."

"It isn't only your job to keep family things in line. You've got it tough enough at work, making sure Toby stays in line," Leo said with a sigh.

"Toby's mother is coming tomorrow," Ginger said absently.

"Oh, joy... I'm sure he's going to love that."

"You okay now, sweetheart?" Sarah whispered, stroking Sian's hair and holding her tighter.

"I haven't been okay in a very long time," she confessed softly, as her breathing slowed and she began to recover her composure. "I may even be able to function a bit... maybe."

"Sweet Pea, c'mere," Leo said softly, leading Ginger to the pair's side. "Gimme a hug, and listen up," he insisted. He drew her into a bear hug and held her close. "You are one of the strongest people I know, young lady, and not even your mother can change that. You understand?" he asked, pulling back and holding her by the shoulders.

She nodded slowly and hugged him again. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered, "I wish I could be as strong as you."

"You are stronger than I could ever have been at twenty," he insisted. "You might be stronger than all of us combined, Sian Maire. You understand me?"

"Yes," she murmured.

"You okay?" Ginger asked softly, pushing Sian's curly red hair behind her right ear.

"I think so," Sian answered, wiping away the last of her tears. "I'll be able to get through tomorrow, maybe, but then I'll be up a river without an oar."

"Up a creek without a paddle," Ginger corrected with a giggle.

"Yeah, whatever," Sian said, shaking her head and grinning.

She accepted a brief kiss on the cheek and a soft, "I love you," from Ginger. They both still felt awkward about expressing their emotional bond in front of people, but with these people and at this moment it was right.

"I know," Sian said quietly. "I love you, too." She turned to Leo, who was looking away. "Isn't dinner ready yet?" she teased.

"Five more minutes," Sarah said with a laugh.

"What is it, anyway?" Ginger asked.

"Wild mushroom soup, and Greek salad," Sarah replied.

"And we're not stuffing our faces yet because...?" Leo whined.

"Because the soup has to simmer another five minutes, and the salad dressing has to sit another few minutes, too," Sarah growled. "Possess yourself of patience, Irish."

"Um... I don't like mushrooms," Ginger said awkwardly.

"Oh, that's okay - Sian told me that a long time ago. I'm re-heating some chicken noodle soup I made yesterday for you," Sarah said.

"Oh, so she gets special food?" Leo grumbled.

"Only 'cuz she doesn't like mushrooms," Sarah replied with a cocky grin. "But you are a paunchy old Irishman who has to have his meat and potatoes..." She poked him in the midsection.

"She's got ya there," Sian said with a giggle, ducking a playful swipe from her uncle.

Sarah rolled her eyes and went into the kitchen. *Children will be children...even the middle-aged ones.*





CJ was sitting at her desk, Melody Stevens' FBI file on the desktop, a dish of microwaveable pasta and a mug of hot chocolate her only companions. Josh had stopped by for a moment a while earlier, to talk to her about something, but seeing her catching up on her "reading", he had left pretty quickly.

She sighed and reached for the mug. It was one of the special, limited edition mugs Sarah had given the assistants and CJ for the holidays. It had various pictures of Leo from birth to Inauguration Day on it, and had a lovely decorative emblem with "HBIC" on it, as well. Only they knew what "HBIC" really stood for, because nobody but Sarah would call him 'Head Bastard In Charge' to his face. And an added bonus to the mug was, when hot liquid was in it, the "HBIC" vanished. That way, Leo could pretend not to notice - the man was hardly stupid, but a little plausible deniability didn't hurt.

She took a sip of cocoa and flipped the page.

*She's smart... a straight-A student... She's in the Honor Society... Never missed a day of school, except when she had the chicken pox.*

*What does she want from me?*

*She's an award-winning author and artist, two things I could never be... Stick figures don't count as art, and a few scribbled notes on paper do not an author make...*

CJ reached for the print-out of the e-mail Melody had sent her that morning. She had sent her most recent photograph, and when CJ had opened the attachment, she had almost fallen off her chair in shock. There was no doubt that Melody was her daughter... it was written all over her face. It was written in the piercingly blue-grey eyes, the long oval face, the wide smile - even the small gap between her front teeth. There were a few fundamental differences like hair color, and Melody was a bit heavier in weight, but... there was no doubt. No doubt at all.

*She's so beautiful... I never thought I'd see her again, and now... And now...*

CJ covered her eyes and let the tears flow freely. There was nothing about this situation that didn't scare her to death, and at the same time, make her want to reach for Melody and just draw her into her life.

*I've regretted the decision I made for twenty years. But I don't know if I have the strength to turn this all around, to share my life with a total stranger who I just happened to give birth to twenty years ago... I just don't know anything right now, except how much I need to see her...*

She reached for a Kleenex and wiped away her tears and reached for the phone. "Hi, Sarah, it's CJ."

"CJ, hi, 'sup?" Sarah asked. "Sian, taking your mother to New York and dropping her off the George Washington Bridge isn't an option. Sorry, CJ... it's kind of a war zone over here. Lizzie's coming tomorrow."

"Ah," CJ said with a little laugh. "Drop her off in the middle of Iowa."

"CJ says to drop her off in the middle of Iowa," Sarah relayed.

"I wouldn't go there if you paid me!" came Leo's shout over the line.

"Dump her off the Hoover Dam?" CJ suggested.

"At this point we're discussing tactical nuclear weapons... Did you need something, CJ?" Sarah asked.

"I need to talk to you... badly... Sarah, it's about something I did when I was young and stupid, and...I need you to wear your counselor hat."

"I'll give you a call after Gin and Sian leave, okay? And you can come over here," Sarah promised.

"Yeah... Sarah, thanks... You know I'd never ask if I didn't have to," CJ murmured, her hands beginning to shake.

"I know, CJ. Hang in there, okay? I'll do what I can, and give you a referral if you need one."

"Yeah."

"Bye."

"Bye," CJ whispered, setting the phone back on the hook.

*Please God, help me do the right thing...*





Sarah sat CJ down on the couch and asked, "Want some tea?"

"Um... no thanks," CJ said. "Did you guys come up with some way to take care of Leo's sister?"

"We're still weighing our options. Personally, I'm for closing the border."

"Yeah... that would work.... Sarah, are you okay about this? I mean, me coming to you?"

"Sure. We've been down this road before, and I'll do what I can. If you need more than I can give ya, there are other people I can suggest who are good and discrete."

"Okay. Well, first you have to imagine me young. Young, stupid, and head over heels in love."

"Okay, I think I can get my brain around most of that..."

"Most people couldn't get around the young part. Anyway... I was living with my fiancé, and working on my bachelor's degree in poli-sci, and I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy, Sarah..." She stopped for a long moment, breathing deeply. "He died. Big car wreck on the Grapevine. Fog, eighteen cars, the works." Her voice went monotone, almost-numb sounding.

"It must have been awful for you, CJ," Sarah said compassionately, putting her arm around CJ's shoulders, not quite in a hug, but close. She didn't want to push too hard.

"Mom came down from Napa and moved in to help take care of me, because I was a wreck. I don't remember much from February to the middle of June... I took a leave of absence from school, and just stayed at home. I think I slept most of the time, but I can't remember..." CJ's voice was soft and full of pain. "I hurt so much, Sarah... To this day... It just hurts, okay? It hurts too much. I was so stupid. I gave my baby girl away. I got rid of the one thing that could keep him with me forever."

"You didn't get rid of her. You gave her up. There's a big difference there, hon. This may be hard to hear, okay? Needing a child is a piss-poor reason for having one or keeping one -- you absolutely did the right thing."

"That's what I told myself for a long time. And then I woke up one morning and it hit me that never really wanted to give her up. I just thought it would ease the pain."

"Maybe now that you're both older you should go find her."

"She found me. She called me last night."

"Wow. How do you feel about that?"

"To be honest, somewhere between jumping in ecstatic joy, and being scared to the point of being non-functional."

"That sounds about right."

"Sarah, she wants to meet me. What should I do?"

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I'm torn... I just want to stop hurting," CJ whispered.

"Willing to try something?"

"Maybe," was the wary response.

"It's just an imaginary journey," Sarah assured her.

"Do I have to close my eyes?"

"It usually helps, but no, you don't have to. Lean back and get comfy, you don't have to lie down. Stay here on the sofa, use one of the recliners, whatever works for you."

"Okay."

"Where's the most comfortable place you can imagine?"

"I have to tell you?"

"Nope."

"Okay..."

"Now, imagine her joining you there."

"I don't know, Sarah. I'm scared..."

"Okay. Just keep it there awhile, leave her off in the distance."

CJ's voice rose. "It's getting worse. The longer she's there, away from me, the worse it gets. I'm not scared for me, Sarah... I'm scared for her."

"Okay then, let her come closer. If at any point you start not feeling safe, stop there."

"I'm scared I'm not enough for her..."

"Okay," Sarah said softly, frightened by the decline of CJ's normally implacable demeanor.

"She's singing, Sarah. STOP! STOP!" CJ screamed abruptly, her arms jerking like live wires.

"Okay Ceej, it's okay, open your eyes, you're safe..." Sarah soothed. "Take some deep breaths..." *Oh shit, you blew it, Cooper. Now you gotta talk her down.* "Breathe, hon... That's it... slow and easy...."

"The song-It won't go away... I can't make it go away, I want it to go away. Now," CJ declared firmly.

"Maybe if you tell me about it, it will."

"I don't want to talk about it. I want it to go away!" A few more deep breaths and she seemed to regain some of her equilibrium. "I'm sorry..."

"Nothing to be sorry about, Ceej. I'm the one should be sorry... I wanted to take you to a safe place and I just got you more upset."

"I'd buried it so deep... I'm sorry, Sarah. I don't know what to say..."

"No need to be sorry, it's something that needed to come out, so it did. I'm taking off my nurse hat, okay? I just want to be your friend right now. C'mere and let me hug you..."

"He used to sing to us."

"Was he a good singer?"

"No, he sucked big time," CJ said, choking on her laughter.

"No wonder you wanted it to stop!" Sarah exclaimed, laughing with her.

"He made Leo's Christmas warblings look like a picnic in the park. Except when he sang this old lullaby... His mom sang it to him when he was little, and his grandmother before her, and so on. I don't even know what it said, because it was in Danish."

"And he sang it to your daughter before she was born?"

"Every night. After he died, I'd hear it. I'd imagine I heard it in my right ear as I went to sleep each night. He used to sleep to my right... It was like he was there still, and.... It scared me. I remember... I couldn't get it out of my head. I used to think he was there with me. I felt him, and I'd open my eyes, and he wasn't there. I had to have imagined it." She took another deep breath, her hands still shaking. "I'm so confused, Sarah. I haven't felt so much pain since I buried the song. And yet, I can't let go of it again..."

"Then go to her, sing it to her, complete the circle."

"She won't know. She'll hear it, and it'll be familiar, and she won't know why." She sighed again. "Did you see the way I stumbled all over the briefing after lunch? I thought I saw him. In the back of the room. And I lost it. I completely lost it. Leo and Toby asked me what happened, and I couldn't tell them. I couldn't rationalize it to myself, let alone anyone else."

"It's not something to rationalize, I don't think, CJ. It's not a brain thing, it's a heart thing - it's a gut thing. Trust your feelings."

"It's going to keep happening if I don't do anything, isn't it?"

"Could be."

CJ nodded and was silent for a long time, before saying, "Can I use your phone?"

"Sure, you can use the one in the office, it's more private."

"Okay. No. I need a hand to hold when I do this."

"Okay then, grab the cordless from over there," Sarah directed, pointing toward the dining room.

CJ retrieved the phone and sat back down on the couch. "Okay. Here goes everything. Hi, Laura, this is CJ Cregg. Can I speak to Melody, please? Yeah, I'll wait." She put her hand over the mouthpiece. "Melody's asleep. I think I need that hand about now."

"You got it," Sarah said, holding her hand out.

CJ took her hand off of the mouthpiece and gripped Sarah's with a grip live a vise. "Melody, hi. I'm sorry to get you up, but... I can do lunch on Friday. Would you like me to set up plane fare? Okay, how long do you want to stay? Three days? Okay, yeah, I remember finals well... Yeah. I'll e-mail you the details, all right? Go back to sleep, Melody. I love you, too. Good night...." CJ hung up and groaned. "I almost couldn't say it. I almost couldn't say 'I love you'."

"It's a difficult thing to say to somebody you've never met."

"I saw her before they took her away from me," CJ whispered.

"That must have been hard. I'm not sure I could have done it."

"It didn't hurt any worse than losing Eric," CJ confessed.

"But you didn't choose to give him up," Sarah pointed out. "She can stay with us if you'd like, we have the guest room back now that Sian's at Ginger's."

"I don't think I'm ready for her to stay with me."

"She's welcome here - that is, if she doesn't mind staying with a couple of old farts who are living in sin..."

"Okay. I'm sure she won't...." Her voice cracked and she pointed at the couch. "Sarah... he's right there beside you. Do you see him? Or am I just going crazy here?"

"If you were crazy, you wouldn't admit the possibility that I might not see him."

"Do you?"

"Not with the outer eyes... but those aren't the only ones that exist."

CJ was staring at the spot on the couch beside her friend, with tears welling up in her eyes as she whispered, "I love you.... I miss you so much... I tried to move on, I did... but I can't." She closed her eyes. "Sarah... he's gone. He's gone." She sighed deeply. "You're the first person outside my family to know about any of this.... And I shouldn't be dumping on you the night before Dragon Lady shows up."

"Dragon Lady, I like that," Sarah said, giggling insanely.

"Yeah, well, you'll see how apt a description it is when she actually blows down your door, Little Pig," CJ teased. "I wouldn't deal with that woman again unless Leo gave me a hell of a hefty raise," she confessed.

"Well, I've got a nice brick house, so I'm not worried."

"Okay, good. Um... Sarah, I don't think I'm going to be able to drive home. Can I crash in the guest room, please? I'm... absolutely exhausted."

"Of course you can -- lemme get you one of my nightshirts. If it comes to my ankles it should about cover your butt," Sarah teased with a grin on her lips.

"No, I'll be fine in this."

"Okay, there are clean towels in the guest bath," Sarah said.

"Sarah," CJ said softly, "thank you."

"You're very welcome," Sarah said enveloping CJ in a big hug. "Get some sleep, okay?"

"Yeah," CJ replied, kissing Sarah on the cheek and heading for the guest room.





Sian took a deep breath as people began coming out of the gate. She closed her eyes, and said a quick prayer for strength before opening them again and watching for her parents. She heard them coming before she even saw them.

"Sian, dear," Elizabeth called, running toward her, arms outstretched. "Darling, let me look at you!" she exclaimed loudly, holding her daughter at arm's length. "You look fit."

"Yes, Mum," Sian said meekly.

"Doesn't your old Da get a kiss?" Patrick asked, coming up beside his wife.

Sian obediently climbed onto her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek, fighting not to recoil when she smelled the alcohol on his breath. "It's good to see you both," she said as convincingly as she could.

"Where is your uncle? I would think he'd have the courtesy at least to greet us at the airport," Lizzie grumbled, looking extremely put-out.

"He has meetings all day today," Sian explained, fighting to keep her voice soft. "He couldn't make the time to come, though Lord knows he tried." Truth be told, Leo hadn't wanted anyone to meet Lizzie and Patrick at the airport, but Sian had insisted, knowing how bent out of shape her mother would get right off the bat. "He does send his apologies, and he's going to come over for a while tonight."

"Hmph," Elizabeth snorted.

"Mum, he's a very important man, and you're lucky he's been able to make time at all on such short notice!" Sian snapped. She mentally smacked herself, and waited for the shoe to drop.

"She's right, Liz," Patrick said. "You should give people more warning."

"Shut up," Lizzie growled.

Sian shot a thankful prayer up to heaven that her father had stepped in and taken the brunt of Lizzie's anger.

"Do you have checked bags?" she asked.

"No."

"Okay, then, come on. I borrowed Ginger's car, and if I don't get it back to the apartment by lunchtime, she's going to have a fit," Sian said, shepherding her parents out to the parking garage, and into Ginger's white Ford Escort. "How was the flight?" she inquired once they were on the road.

"Long," Patrick replied.

There was a long, tense silence, until Sian asked, "What would you like for dinner? I can have Ginger pick something up on her way home..."

"Whatever you have is fine," Patrick assured her.

The carphone rang, and Sian picked it up, "Ginger O'Malley... Oh, hello, Margaret. No, it's not Ginger, obviously, but I'm in Ginny's car... 'Sup?" There was a long pause. "Tell him I've picked them up and am taking them home. And that whenever he can get here tonight is fine. Okay, yeah... I'll see you tomorrow, Mags. Bye!" She hung up.

"What was that all about?" Lizzie asked.

"Oh, it was Uncle Leo's assistant, asking if you'd arrived safely, and what time he should try to come by tonight," Sian said, waving her hand. Margaret had also told her that if she was ever feeling hemmed in during their visit, that she was to get a cab immediately and either head to the Committee offices in the Watergate, or to the West Wing. It was nice to have options.

"Oh really?" Elizabeth said caustically from the backseat.

Sian sighed inwardly. It was going to be the longest week of her life.





Ginger set out to find CJ, file in hand. "Hey, Lessa - you seen CJ?"

"She's in her office," Lessa replied, pouring a cup of coffee in a paper cup.

"Why the heck do you get Josh coffee?"

"Because I feel like it," Lessa countered with a deep chuckle.

"He has two hands - he can get his own coffee," Ginger pointed out, heading towards CJ's office. She stopped at Carol's desk. "Is she in?"

"Yeah - go on in," Carol said, waving her through.

When Ginger went into the office, CJ was staring blankly off into space. "Hey, Ceej?"

CJ jumped about a foot off the chair. "Don't do that!" she yelped.

"Sorry..." Ginger said sarcastically, tossing CJ the file.

"And that makes it all better?" CJ growled.

"Um... okay, well, I'm gonna go now - my break's over. Even though it wasn't much of a break," Ginger grumbled, heading for the door.

"Ginger, I'm sorry," CJ said.

"No prob... just don't tell Toby I've been working for you today," Ginger replied with a smirk. "He'll kick my ass."

"Probably... see ya later."

"Yup." Ginger headed back to her desk, where Leo was waiting for her. "Leo?"

"Sian picked them up."

"Okay - I'll call home in a bit. Thanks for letting me know."

"It's gonna be fine - I hope."

"Me too," Ginger muttered. The phone rang, and she grabbed it. "Toby Ziegler's office, this is Ginger O'Malley speaking... okay, yeah, I can change your one o'clock on Friday to noon, yes. No, of course Toby won't like it. Right. Good-bye, Congresswoman." She hung up and rolled her eyes. "Congresswoman Wyatt."

"Joy... I'll get you get back to work."

"Thanks, Leo. See ya tonight," Ginger said as he left.

And so the week of hell had begun.





Sian let her parents into the apartment, and carried their stuff in behind them, staggering under the sheer weight of the bags. *These bloody things weigh more than I do!* "I'm going to take these into the bedroom for you," she said, lurching down the hall. "Jesus Christ," she mumbled, somehow managing to heave her mother's pilot's case onto the bed in the guest room. "What the bloody hell did she pack? A buggering anvil?"

"Your birthday present," Patrick said from behind her.

Sian jumped. "Da, don't do that!" she wailed.

"Sorry," he replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed and patting the empty space beside him.

She sat down, reluctantly.

"The real reason we came was to see you on your birthday, sweetheart."

"I don't celebrate my birthday," she answered, her voice bleak. "Not anymore."

"Sian..."

"No, Da. I don't want presents, I don't want a bloody cake, and I sure as hell don't want this now, all right?" she exploded. "Why don't you take your drunken carcass back where it belongs and leave me alone?!"

The phone rang and she snatched it up. "O'Malley & McCall.... Ginger, I'm glad you called. No, no, things are... fine. What do you mean, what's wrong with my voice? Oh, why am I shouting?" She lowered her voice. "Sorry. Yes. Yes. Please... Gin, what do you want me to bring for lunch? Turkey on honey wheat? Okay, I'll be there in a bit. Bye." She hung up and took a deep breath before turning to her father. "Ginger forgot her lunch, and she can't get away to get to the Mess, so I'm going to take her a sandwich. There's food in the refrigerator, chips in the cupboard, and glasses are in the cabinets over the sink. We've got cable, and movies, so just make yourselves at home, and I'll be back soon, okay?" She grabbed her leather jacket and high-tailed it out the door before her mother grabbed her.

She climbed into the driver's seat of the car and sat for a few minutes, breathing deeply, trying to calm down enough to drive without getting in a wreck because she wasn't paying attention to the road. And then she drove straight to the White House. Her grip on the wheel intensified until her knuckles were white, and she finally parked, and pulled the scarlet A out of her purse and put it around her neck. God, I've never asked you for anything like this before, but please, help me get through this before I do something I'm going to regret...

She went into the lobby and displayed her pass to the guards on duty before going through the routine of getting into the West Wing while the President was working. "I'm just here to see my uncle, Leo McGarry, and my friend, Ginger O'Malley," she finally gave as her reason for being there.

"Okay, go on through, Ms. McCall," said one of the guards, and she headed deep into the West Wing in search of either Ginger or her uncle - whomever she happened to run into first.

She ran, literally, right into Josh, who hadn't been paying any more attention to where he was going than she had been. And they both wound up on the floor, tangled up, Josh's paperwork everywhere, her purse clear across the hall.

"Josh, are you always this klutzy, or is it a random thing?" Sian asked from beneath him, where she was pinned to the floor.

"Um... it's a random thing," he fibbed. "LESSA!"

"Clean up your own mess, Joshua," came Lessa's voice from her cubicle. "You have two hands, you can do it yourself."

"Shit," Josh mumbled, getting up, and helping Sian to her feet. "Are you okay?"

"Nothing a little Tylenol won't cure," she muttered. "Have you seen Ginger? Or Uncle Leo?"

"Ginger is in with Sam for something, and Leo is in his office," Josh replied, slowly taking his hands off of her arms, where they had been to steady her.

"Do you need some help cleaning up?" she asked, as she bent to retrieve her purse.

"No, I'll take care of it," he replied. He raised his voice and finished, "Since Lessa doesn't want to do her job..."

"Nowhere in the description did it say, 'cleaning up after idiot makes a dumb-assed mess'," Lessa shot back coming out of her cubicle and winking at Sian. "Not to mention I really do want to see Joshua Lyman, the man who can't wash a coffee mug, pick up and make sense of his own paperwork."

"LESSA!" Josh wailed.

She shrugged and went back into her cubicle.

Sian was fighting back her laughter as she turned and left pitiful-looking Josh in her wake. *Well there's something to thank God for. I didn't catch the pass he threw at me right after I got here.*

She shook her head and laughed. "Hey, Mags, is he in?"

Margaret looked at her like she had suddenly grown two heads. "Sian, Ginger said you were near-hysterical..."

"I was, but then I ran into Josh."

"Oh?"

"And... let's just say I'm not going to be flying off the handle just yet. But I do need to see Uncle Leo."

"Go on in. He's not doing anything but the crossword puzzle," Margaret said with a wink.

"Thanks, Margaret," Sian said softly, going into her uncle's office. "Hi," she said.

Leo glanced up from his crossword. "You're not here seeking refuge already, are you?" he asked, his voice laden with worry.

"Yeah, I am."

"Oh, Sweet Pea, come here." He got up and went to the couch, patting the cushion for her to sit down beside him. "What happened?"

"Mum's barely being civil, Da was drinking on the plane, and the only reason they're here is to celebrate my birthday, which I don't even do!" she said quickly, on one breath. "I can't deal with this. I can't do it."

"Sian, step back, take a deep breath, and relax," Leo ordered. "Who started the not being civil? You or Lizzie?"

"I've been as kind as I can be to her," Sian whispered. "It's like talking to a stone wall."

"Okay. Do you know for sure your father was drinking on the plane?"

"I could smell it on his breath when he got off the plane, Uncle Leo. He was drinking. You'd know, you lived with one."

"And why don't you celebrate your birthday?"

"Because. I can't tell you why. I can't tell Sarah why. I won't tell Mum and Da why, so don't even ask."

"Will you tell Ginger why?"

"She already knows," was the cryptic response. "And please, don't try to make her tell you. You won't want to hear it, Leo."

"I ought to take your birthday present back, then... but you need it," he said with a sigh.

"Uncle Leo, don't worry about it, okay? I just need a rest from all of this. But I can't get it. I can never get it." Her blue eyes were sad as she looked up at him. "Do you promise you'll help me through this?"

"Sian...?"

"I feel like it's all my fault that these things go wrong."

"No! No, it's not your fault, Sweet Pea. And how could you even think such a thing?" Leo asked, wide-eyed.

"Because that's what everyone says. Any time things go wrong, it's always 'Sian, it's your fault!' or 'Sian, why'd you do that?'...." She closed her eyes and tried to will herself to stop hearing the echoes of those voices in her mind. "It's my fault Mum and I fight."

"It is not," Leo said firmly, taking his niece by the shoulders. "Listen to me - it is not your fault that your mother plays mind games with you, and that you lose. She does it to make you look so much less than you are. You are lovely, and funny, and brilliant."

"I am nothing," Sian whispered, her voice cracking on the final word.

"Don't you ever say that again."

"It's true."

"No, it's not. Nothing you have said since you came into this office and started beating yourself down is true. Not a word of it. It's Lizzie talking."

"You're on the outside, looking in."

"And you're on the inside, looking out. I want you to see freedom, not this prison you've built for yourself, Sian Maire," he whispered, reaching up to wipe away her tears. "I hate what Lizzie's done to you."

"You're the only one. Aunt Josey says I'm a spoiled brat who doesn't know her place."

He smirked. "Your Aunt Josey, wrong. What are the odds?"

"Mum says I'm a terrible person."

"Your mother is a liar. If she doesn't like who you are, it's only because she's made you that way. And you have never been a bad person, Sweet Pea. Never."

"I hate her, and I hate me, and I wish..." She stopped short, her wish staying on her tongue.

"You wish what?"

"No... I can't say it, not to you... not to the only person in my family who's ever given a damn," she whispered.

"Sian, I know you have your secrets, but please, I want to help. Sarah wants to help. We're worried sick about you," Leo said quietly, brushing her hair out of her eyes. "Secrets are poison, baby. They'll eat into your gut. They help push you right into that bottle, the one nobody can climb out of alone. The one Sarah and I have both been in. I'd give anything to keep that from happening to you.

"And Ginger is trying hard not to show it, but she wants to beat your mother senseless right now." He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers.

"I wish she would," Sian said, choking out a half-felt laugh.

"Believe me, so do I," Leo said, hugging her. "Sian Maire, you are going to get through this, you hear me? You have us to lean on - Sarah, Ginger, and me. You have to hold onto us so you don't fall, you understand?"

She nodded. "But if I fall, you'll leave," she whispered.

"No. We won't leave you, Sweet Pea. We won't leave you," he promised. "Why don't you lie down for a bit and I'll get some lunch for us, okay?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, I know that, honey, but you've got to eat."

She sighed and nodded. "Turkey sounds okay," she murmured, burying her face in his shoulder. "I love you, Uncle Leo."

"I love you, too, Sweet Pea."





Sian picked at her dinner. Ginger was arguing with Patrick McCall, albeit good-naturedly, about the merits of fresh green beans versus canned, and Lizzie was poking the taco crunch in disgust. Sian couldn't stand to see her mother picking at it the way she was, so she snapped, "Mum, if you're not going to eat it, just stop playing with it."

The table fell silent, and Ginger stared at her.

"I'm sorry, Mum..."

"No, you're right," Lizzie said, with forced civility.

"What about dessert?" Ginger asked, getting up. "There's ice cream..."

"I'll get it, if anyone wants it," Sian said. Anything to get out of the room...

"When is your uncle coming, dear?" Elizabeth asked with an icy smile.

"Whenever he can get here, Mum. How the bloody hell am I supposed to know?" Sian retorted, walking into the kitchen with her dirty plate. She put it in the sink and slumped over the counter, taking a few deep breaths. *Calm down, kid... You can't do yourself any good if you're going ape-shit.* She heard the doorbell ring in the background, but still, she stayed where she was, trying to keep a grip on herself.

"Leo's here," Ginger said quietly over her left shoulder. "He brought your birthday present early. He says you might need it." She laid her hand on Sian's shoulder reassuringly. "Just remember, if your mom pisses with you, I'll deck her one."

"You're gonna have to take me to New Jersey sometime, so I can take kick-ass lessons," Sian joked, her voice soft.

"Yup," Ginger agreed with a smile. "Come on out into the living room."

"I need a drink."

Ginger knew what she meant.

"No. Absolutely not. Not in this lifetime."

"I said I need one, not that I'm going to actually take one," Sian sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "I look like a wreck."

"You are a wreck, goof," Ginger teased, kissing her.

"Shut up," Sian laughed, hugging Ginger. "Okay, I'm ready, I think.... Oh, Ginny, I know they're just going to gang up on me. Uncle Leo won't stand up to Mum in her face..."

"Oh, get your unhappy ass out here already!" Ginger insisted, tugging her out of the kitchen.

Sian gulped and braced herself as she went into the living room. "Hi, Uncle Leo," she said, moving to sit down next to him. "How was work?"

"It was work," he replied. "I was just telling your parents about the Margaret accident the other day."

"Hey, no maligning the assistants!" Ginger exclaimed, throwing a cushion so it popped him in the face. "Margaret saves your butt on a daily basis."

"Yes, she does," Leo conceded. "Anyway, Margaret stapled the reports together, with her thumb in the middle..."

"Why would anyone do a stupid thing like that?" Lizzie snapped.

"She did it on accident, Mum. Mags isn't stupid," Sian growled. Leo's hand rested gently on her arm, calming her, restraining her.

"No, she's not," he agreed. "Margaret is just a little absent-minded sometimes."

"Look who's talking, Mr. I'm-gonna-sign-my-name-where-the-Armenian-ambassador's-supposed-to-sign," Ginger shot back.

"Belgian Foreign Minister," Leo corrected.

"Both!" Ginger laughed.

"Oh, enough," Lizzie said. "Why don't we celebrate Sian's birthday now?"

Sian's eyes clouded over, and her breathing became shallow. "No, it's okay, Mum, I just want to relax..."

"We're only going to be here another two days, dear, and we have plans."

Sian looked over at Patrick, her eyes pleading, but he just looked away. She was quickly becoming upset.

"Lizzie, I don't think this is a good idea," Leo said.

"Oh, it's a perfectly good idea..."

"Mrs. McCall... Sian doesn't look well," Ginger interjected.

"I'm fine," Sian forced out with as cheerful a smile as she could fake. "Let's get this over with, please."

"Oh, fine, be that way," Lizzie snapped, going into the guest room to get a box. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you, Mum, Da," Sian said, opening the box and looking at some rare books - which she would have no interest in. Well, all except for an 1836 edition of Romeo and Juliet.

"And I brought your present from Sarah and me," Leo said. "It's outside."

They all trekked out to the parking spaces in front of the building. Leo handed her the keys to a brand-new dark-green BMW convertible. "Oh my... Uncle Leo, it's the one I wanted!" Sian exclaimed, unlocking the driver's door and climbing in.

"You bought her a car?" Elizabeth asked in disbelief. "A car?!"

"She needs one," Leo said with a shrug. "And she liked this one. My better angels got shouted down. And if she likes it and she's happy...."

"Gin, get in here!" Sian exclaimed, unlocking the passenger door. "Isn't it great?"

"...I don't have a problem with it. I bought Mallory a Saturn LS2 for Christmas," he said with a shrug.

Sian got out and threw her arms around Leo. "Thankyou,Iloveyou,Ican'tbelieveyouactuallyboughtitforme!" she gasped out without pausing. She kissed him on the cheek. "I'll never have to drive Ginny's POS again!"

"HEY!" Ginger laughed from inside the car. "Smart ass..."

"I wanna take her around the block - can I?" Sian asked. "Please?"

"Sure thing, she's all yours," Leo said with a smile.

Sian took Ginger for a spin around the block, then parked next to Ginger's Escort. The others had gone back inside, so they went in, too.

And Sian couldn't stop smiling for the first time in two days.





CJ sat on the couch in her apartment, with her feet propped up on the edge of the couch cushions, and her chin resting on her knees, hearing her mother's voice in her head: *Claudia Jean! Sit up straight! Your back will get bent that way!*

She sighed sadly.

*I never dreamed it could still hurt this badly. I thought all this was over, he was buried, she was gone, I could go on with life... How am I gonna live through all this grief again? What kind of weakling am I for failing to deal with this for all these years? Am I being punished?*

*And now my stomach's bothering me again. I'm getting an ulcer, I just know it.*

*I'm in trouble when even the President knows I'm upset.. Leo's bugging me about how I'm feeling, I wish they'd just all leave me alone. It'll go away.*

*It will.*

*I know it.*

*But Melody's here, and nothing will ever be the same... Nothing. And it scares the shit out of me. And I don't dare tell anybody.*

*Certainly not my mother. She never wanted me to give the baby up to begin with. But I don't know who else to call....*

CJ finally untucked her legs and got the cordless phone. She dialed the familiar number, and waited impatiently. "Hello?" her father said.

"Hi, Dad, it's me. I need to talk to Mom..."





Melody sat down next to her father at the table and said, "I did it, Dad."

"Did... what?"

"I called my birth mother."

"And...?"

"And we're going to meet tomorrow, in Washington DC."

Jim Stevens nodded. "Your Mom would be very proud of you, if she were here, you know that?" he said with a wistful smile. "She'd be so proud of everything you've done since she died." His smile vanished, and Melody moved to put her arms around him, to comfort him. "You're our good girl," he finally said.

"I know, Daddy," she whispered. "I know."

"And we always thanked CJ every day for letting us have you..."

Melody pulled away, staring at her father. "You called her CJ. You know her?"

"Mellie..."

"You do! You know her! And you never told me?!" She was almost shouting.

Jim gaped at her. *I knew she'd blow her stack. She never raises her voice...* "Melody, it was a long time ago, all right? CJ and your Mom were roommates, and... CJ wanted someone she trusted to have you."

"Oh my God, I can't believe this... You knew, all this time, and you never once... Why you... I... ARG!" she stamped her foot hard on the floor, then winced.

"Melody, temper tantrums won't resolve anything," Jim said.

"Oh, you want a temper tantrum, Daddy? You haven't seen a temper tantrum yet!" Melody pushed her fists to her temples. "How could you not tell me?!"

"We thought it was for the best, Mellie. We made mistakes, yes, but I don't see not telling you about CJ until you decided you had to know about her as being one of those mistakes." He smiled. "Now, trying to make you eat zucchini... that was a mistake."

A smile suddenly crept over her features, and she began to laugh. When she stopped laughing, she looked at her father and said, "I'll never forgive you, you know."

"I know. But someday, you'll understand," he promised. "In fact, I think you'll understand very soon."

She nodded slowly. "I've got to go finish getting packed. My flight leaves in three hours."

"And you're not meeting her until tomorrow?"

She shrugged. "I'm flying out tonight, and staying with friends of hers. I guess she's more than a little wary of me... not that I can blame her, y'know, but still..."

Jim nodded. "You'll call me when you get there?"

"Of course, Dad." She stopped and looked down. "Do you think she'll..."

"She loves you, Mellie. She always did. She never wanted to give you up."

"Then why did she?"

"That's something I can't answer for her. I know why, but I can't explain it to you, because she has to tell you herself. It's not my place. Now, skeddaddle."

"Yes, Dad... I'll call you when I get there."

"Yup - bye, sweetheart."

After Melody had left, Jim sat back in his chair with a heavy sigh. He drifted back in his mind to the night CJ had asked him and Karen to adopt her daughter.

"I can't do this," she had said to them. "I love my baby but I can't live with the constant reminder ... it hurts too much. I know how much you've wanted a child, been trying so hard for so long. Will you take her?"

He had looked at his wife with shock and disbelief and then ill-disguised joy. "Of course we will."

"We'll love her for you, Claudia," Karen had said. "But will you want to-"

"No," CJ had answered. "I've thought about this a lot. When she's old enough, if she wants to look for me, then...."

*Karen, God, I miss you so much. I miss your advice, I miss your steadying hand. I really wish you'd been here to help me decide ... am I doing the right thing? God, please don't let me screw this up.*






Sarah and CJ waited outside the gate, Sarah curious, CJ tense as all hell. Sarah had never seen her shuffle her feet before... but it was something she was doing with increasing frequency as they waited for Melody's plane.

"I wasn't sure I wanted to come," CJ had told her in the car, "but I talked to Mom and she threatened to kick my butt up around my ears if I didn't."

So CJ was shuffling outside the gate.

"You really ought to switch to decaff, and stop buying those four-pound jars of jelly beans," Sarah advised.

CJ laughed. "Don't tell me you wouldn't be doing the same thing if you were in my place, Sarah. I've never been so terrified in all of my life."

Sarah took her friend's hand comfortingly. "I know the feeling. Just take a few deep breaths, and think of how happy you could be soon."

"Okay," CJ said.

An attendant opened the gate door, and people began deplaning.

"You're sure we shouldn't have made a sign?" Sarah asked.

"I'm sure," CJ answered, scanning the crowd. "Oh, God, Sarah, there she is." Her voice was soft, and utterly terrified.

"Where?"

"She just left the gate..."

"I see her now," Sarah said, seeing a face almost identical to CJ's above most of the heads of the people deplaning. "She's taller than you are!"

"That doesn't surprise me," CJ murmured.

"Want me to get her?"

CJ shook her head. "No. It's something I have to do." She swallowed hard, fighting tears as she walked over to where Melody had stopped. "Melody?" she said, coming up to the young woman. Anything else she might have said was lost in her throat, as she descended into shock.

Melody stared at her. "CJ?" she said with a questioning smile.

CJ merely nodded. She finally found her voice. "You're pregnant," she said, fighting to keep the shock out of her tone.

Melody nodded. "I didn't want to tell you over the phone... I told Dad over the phone and he kind of flipped out on me, and I didn't want..."

CJ shook her head. "We'll talk about it later." She held out her hands. "My God, you're so beautiful..."

"It's like looking in a mirror," Melody said.

"Only I've got wrinkles and age spots," CJ teased.

"I'm already getting grey hairs," Melody laughed, pointing to her mane of black hair. Sure enough, there were strands of silver in there already. "I got that from my father, didn't I?"

CJ laughed tensely, and closed her eyes, fighting for control.

"CJ?" Melody said, worried. "CJ, I'm sorry... what did I say?"

"CJ, are you ready?" Sarah asked softly, coming up from behind. When CJ didn't answer, she reached up to stroke her back reassuringly. "Melody, I'm Sarah Cooper. I'm a friend of CJ's, and you're going to stay with me while you're here, because CJ's guest room is kind of full of papers right now."

Melody nodded. "Okay. It's nice to meet you, Sarah," she said with a smile, leaning down to shake Sarah's hand.

CJ inhaled raggedly and choked out, "I'm ready to go."

"Okay," Sarah said. "Melody, do you have any other bags?"

"No, just these," Melody replied, gesturing to her two duffle bags.

"Those look awfully heavy for you to be carrying," Sarah said. "Want me to take one?"

"Oh, no, I'm fine," Melody assured her. She looked at CJ, who was still fighting with all of her strength not to cry. "CJ, are you okay?"

"Fine," CJ said, wiping away the lone tear that streaked down her cheek. "Let's go."






Sian went into the kitchen to get a glass of milk. It was two in the morning, and she hadn't been able to fall asleep yet. Leo had left around ten, and the rest of the night had been spent dodging Lizzie's disparaging comments, mostly about Sian's housekeeping skills. Ginger consistently stood up for her, but she could feel herself sliding further and further into a murky darkness she could barely feel her way through.

She stood there with her glass of milk, wishing she had some scotch to lace it with. But after seeing her drink herself into despair one time, Ginger had completely banned any kind of alcohol in the apartment. Once was enough.

Sian didn't remember much about that night, except she had woken up, hearing the echoes of screams in her head, the pain of the bombing still fresh in her mind. She had climbed back into the bottle again to assuage the pain, but the alcohol had only numbed it a little.

Only Leo, Ginger, Sarah, and Mallory knew about her drinking. To everyone else, she managed to be cheerful, happy, completely at ease... But inside, she was depressed, tormented, looking for a way out... Always looking for a way out of the pain...

She had been in London when it happened, "Three in One" had just opened... They had celebrated her birthday with cake and ice cream backstage, and then had started off their separate ways. She got home, and the bomb went off down the street, shaking the elevator to a halt while she was in it. Tight, enclosed, dark spaces... She had been completely terrified, utterly panicked. No one had come to get her. No one...

And then the elevator started to fall...

She slumped over the counter, seeing all this again, experiencing it all again, breathing raggedly, fighting for every ounce of control she had gathered... She dropped the glass, watching it shatter on the counter, unable to feel the shards in the palm of her hand, unable to do anything but watch herself bleed. Then the light flipped on in the hallway, and she heard Ginger come into the kitchen.

"Sian?" she said, her voice soft. "Are you okay?"

Sian couldn't answer.

"Sweetie? Do you want me to call Leo?" she asked, her tone gentle.

"No," Sian said sharply.

"Okay," Ginger whispered. "Let me look at your hand, okay?" She took Sian's hand in her own and looked it over. "Let's go into the bathroom, and I'll use the tweezers to get most of this glass out, then we'll go to the ER and let them get the rest... now, stop bleeding all over my countertop, girl!" she teased, brushing Sian's hair out of her eyes.

"Yes, ma'am," Sian replied weakly, chuckling.

When they got back, Sian couldn't have told anyone what had happened. She only knew that she had broken a glass.






Melody stepped out of the cab and headed towards the White House on foot. It was a new experience for her to be in Washington DC, and she had taken all of that morning, even though she was jet-lagged, to explore. She was coming from the Washington Monument to meet CJ for lunch in the White House Mess. Entering the main lobby, she looked around for CJ, who was supposed to meet her there.

But there was no sign of her.

With a sigh, Melody glanced around at the fresco-like walls, and the numerous paintings. It was like being in a living, breathing museum...

"Sorry I'm late," CJ said over her shoulder.

Melody jumped and turned around. "Oh, it's okay, I was just kind of looking around..."

CJ smiled. "It's beautiful here, isn't it?"

Melody nodded. "I would be in awe to have something of mine hang here..."

"Maybe you'd like to donate something?" CJ suggested.

"Maybe..." Melody said doubtfully.

CJ decided not to push too hard. "Ready to go eat? I thought we'd get something in the Mess, then go back to my office and talk. I don't have anything for another two hours."

"Whatever you want to do is fine with me," Melody said with a smile.

"Oh, and tonight, I have to go to a 'chili feast', and I'd like you to come along," CJ said with a gentle smile. "I need to tell my friends about you."

Melody blinked. "You mean they don't know..."

CJ shook her head. "I didn't tell anyone outside of the family, except for Sarah."

"Are you ashamed of me?" the girl couldn't help but ask.

"No... it's just... a long story. A very long, very painful story," CJ murmured. "Let's get lunch."

They went through the lines in the Mess and then took their lunches up to CJ's office in the West Wing. No one even gave Melody more than a second glance, though those second glances usually came with a raised eyebrow, or a confused look.

"Carol, no interruptions for the next two hours," CJ said as they went into her office. "Unless it's Toby on that damn IRS thing."

"Okay," Carol replied. "I'll hold your calls, too."

CJ shut the door. "Go ahead and make yourself comfortable," she said.

Melody looked around for a long time before finally deciding to settle onto the couch with her lunch tray. "I like your office."

CJ shrugged and unwrapped her sandwich. "It's more home than my apartment." She took a bite, and chewed for a long time, thoughtful.

"Can I ask you something?" Melody asked.

CJ nodded.

"Why did you give me away?" It was the question that had plagued her for as long as she had known she was adopted...

"Because I... I had a reason," CJ finally whispered, setting her food aside and covering her eyes. "Not a good reason..."

"Did you not love me?"

"No, no, Melody, I love you so much..." Tears began rolling down CJ's cheeks, and she continued to weep, unable to stop the tears.

Melody moved to hug her mother, feeling drawn to her. "They why?" she asked, her voice very gentle and non-judgmental.

"Because I couldn't... your father... oh God..."

"CJ?"

"Your father died, and I couldn't see myself taking care of you without him," CJ finally gasped out, her tears increasing until she was sobbing into her daughter's shoulder.

Melody held her, wishing she had never asked. Wishing she had never hurt CJ. Wishing... wishing that her father, whoever he was, hadn't died. "So you gave me to Mom and Dad?"

CJ slowly regained her composure. "Karen was my roommate before I moved out of the dorm," she said. "And after I moved in with your father, she moved in with Jim... Karen and Jim got married." She shrugged. "They wanted to have kids, but... Karen couldn't. When I decided... I asked them if they would take you, give you a good home." She closed her eyes. "They did, didn't they?"

Melody nodded. "Yes, of course they did, CJ."

"You blame your parents for not telling you they knew me."

"Yes."

"Please don't - they only did what I told them to do." CJ covered Melody's hand with hers. "I loved you so much I gave you to someone who would give you a better life than I could have. I was so... depressed and... I couldn't have taken care of you."

"It's okay, I do understand," Melody assured her, her voice quiet and soothing. She smiled, and said, "But if you decide not to help me with my baby, I'll hunt you down and whack you around."

"Tell me about your baby... the father?"

"Ex-boyfriend. He cheated on me, I said 'fuck you' and left, then found out I was pregnant," Melody replied with a shrug. "He has agreed to help support the baby, though, and we drew up an agreement with lawyers and everything."

"Well, that's good right there," CJ murmured. "But you're going to have a hard time finishing school with a baby."

"Well... it might be easier if Dad helps," she said. "But he's kind of... upset with me for getting pregnant in the first place. Y'know, the whole 'Daddy's little girl does no wrong' thing..."

"Oh, I know that feeling..." CJ groaned. "My Dad... oy vey."

"You're Jewish?"

"Catholic - I just have Jewish friends," CJ said with a smile.

"CJ!" came a shout through the door as Toby barreled in.

"Speak of the devil," CJ mumbled under her breath.

"What the hell was with that thing you did at the briefing?!" Toby roared, slamming the door shut.

"What thing?"

"Stumbling all over the IRS reform package!"

"Well, excuse me for having a bad week, Mr. Oscar the Grouch!" CJ snarled.

"Um... I'm staying out of this," Melody muttered.

"Who's she?" Toby asked.

"I'm Melody Stevens, not that it's any of your business," Melody said, narrowing her eyes and glaring down her nose at him as she sat back down on the couch.

Toby was taking aback a little bit, and spent a good minute looking back and forth between CJ and Melody. "You two are related?" he finally said.

"How astute, Toby," CJ sighed. "What gave it away? The little mole over by the eyebrow?" Her tone was dripping with sarcasm.

"CJ..." He looked back and forth one more time. "That's not your niece, or your cousin."

CJ sighed again. That's what was wrong with only having one niece and one female cousin in the family... and ones that didn't look like you, to boot.

"No, she's not. She's the daughter of some friends of mine, Toby."

"CJ..." Melody said.

"No, Melody, not now," CJ said, shaking her head. "Toby, we'll talk later, okay? Like tonight at the feast."

"But what about the IRS reform...?"

"I'll fix it at the next briefing," CJ promised, shooing him out the door. She closed the door behind him and groaned.

"Why did you..."

"I need time to be ready."

Melody nodded. "Okay. Hey, are you gonna finish that sandwich?"

"You can have it - I'll have Carol get me a bagel later," CJ said. "Now... let's just talk a while. How's Karen?"

Melody's face fell. "She's... kind of... dead."

"Oh no... I'm sorry, I didn't..."

"It's okay. She was in Turkey last year, when they had those bad earthquakes and all those people died. She was mapping a new fault line," Melody said with a shrug. "At least she was doing what she loved when she died."

"Yeah..." CJ said, her voice almost inaudible.

"And Daddy's still teaching World History at Cal."

"Well, that's good." CJ smiled slightly. "I missed 'em both. A lot."

"Did you ever come see me when I was little?"

CJ shook her head. "I felt too guilty. And I stopped talking to your parents, too. I just kind of... launched myself into school and work, and... until a few days ago... That's the way it'd always been." She shrugged. "I didn't really know what to do with myself except work."

"I can't imagine... I can't imagine going through what you did," Melody said softly. "I don't know what I would do if..."

"No, don't even think about that," CJ said sharply. "It will only make you feel bad without cause." She relaxed slightly, and said, "Just think about how much you're going to love your baby."

"Okay," Melody murmured, putting her hand on her abdomen. "CJ... will you... I mean... you are the baby's grandmother... I guess what I mean to say is, will you..."

"Melody, if you want me in your life, I'll be in your baby's life," CJ promised.

"That's all I want."

CJ nodded, and smiled, as Melody saw the knots in her mother's shoulders relax for the first time since they met.





Melody had seemed nervous when CJ had told her that the chili party was going to be in the Residence, but CJ had tried to put her at her ease, telling her to think of the revelers as nothing more than big kids with their fingers close to the big red button. Not that that made Mellie feel any better.... In fact, it made her even more uneasy, especially after Toby's explosion earlier.

"Well, this is the Residence," CJ said to her as they entered. "Looks like the stewards have set up a wet bar, and if I know these people, you won't be able to swing a dead cat without hitting a camera. The two coming in from the hallway are Sian McCall and Ginger O'Malley; Sian's Leo's niece, and Ginger works for Toby, who seems to have commandeered the bar with Josh. That's Josh Lyman, he's Leo's deputy." Sarah waved and CJ and Melody both smiled in return.

"Who's that with Sarah?"

"That's Mrs. Landingham, the President's personal secretary."

"Doesn't she have a first name?"

"Probably, but nobody ever uses it, not even the President."

Melody grinned. "Okay."

"The two over there," CJ continued, pointing, "are Sam Seaborn, Deputy Communications Director, and Cathy, his assistant. You know Carol; Lessa, Bonnie and Donna are the ones next to her. Lessa works for Josh, Bonnie for Leo, and Donna used to work for Josh, but now she's running the campaign office. The President's daughter, Zoey, and his personal aide, Charlie, are MIA; Leo's daughter Mallory called to say she wasn't feeling well. I wouldn't be surprised if that were ... stretching the truth." She grinned at Melody. "Sometimes these little get-togethers can be a pain."

"Hey, CJ!" Josh yelled, laughing. "Want me to make a Pink Flamingo for ya?"

"Oh, shut the hell up!" CJ shouted back, blushing.

"Pink Flamingo?" Melody asked.

"I'll explain later... Josh, gimme a beer," CJ requested, pulling Melody toward the makeshift bar. "You want anything, Melody?"

"Oh, no, no, thank you," Melody said.

"Josh, Toby, this is Melody Stevens. Melody, this is Toby Ziegler and Joshua Lyman."

"It's nice to meet you," Melody said, shaking first Toby's then Josh's hand.

Josh was just gaping at her. "You look just like..."

"CJ?" she supplied.

"Yah!"

"I know."

"Melody, let's go say hello to the others..." CJ said.

"Now wait just a second!" Toby said forcefully. "I'd like to know how..."

"Has CJ gotten here yet?" came the President's voice from the kitchen doorway.

"Jed, for goodness' sake, she's taller than everyone else in the room... of course she's gotten here!" Abbey said, poking her husband in the side.

Everyone laughed, including CJ.

"Melody, c'mere," CJ said, pulling her toward the kitchen. "Mr. President, Mrs. Bartlet, can we go inside?"

"Of course, CJ," Jed said, making way for them to go through. He was staring at Melody, though... and she averted her eyes, blushing.

CJ's eyes flitted back and forth between her daughter and the President. *Poor kid, she's probably never ever been in a fishbowl like this before, so scrutinized and so out of place. And as long as she's a part of my life, it'll come with the territory.*

"Sir, Ma'am, I'd like you to meet Melody Stevens," CJ said. "Melody, this is President Josiah Bartlet, and his wife, Dr. Abigail Bartlet." She took a deep breath as they were shaking hands, then dropped the bomb. "Melody is my daughter."

The President spun around to stare at CJ. Abbey did the same, only less obviously. "Your daughter?" Jed repeated.

"My daughter," CJ affirmed.

"I didn't know..."

"It was a tightly kept secret, sir."

"CJ?" Abbey said. "Why didn't you tell us before now?"

"Can I say something?" Melody asked softly, hesitant to interrupt.

"Go right ahead," Jed invited.

"CJ works for you, sir, and she may be your friend, but if she didn't tell you, there was a good reason. The reason was good enough for me, sir. And that's all that matters, isn't it?" Melody said, looking down at where her feet should be - not that she could see them because of her girth - embarrassed at having talked down at the most powerful man in the free world.

Jed looked at her for a long time, then started to laugh. "Jed, what's so damn funny?" Abbey asked, smacking him.

"She's definitely CJ's daughter..." he guffawed. "Only the Creggs and McGarrys have balls enough to talk to me like that!"

"What about the Zieglers, Lymans, Seaborns..." CJ said with a smirk.

"Nope - your family and Leo's family are the only people outside of the Senior Staff that can get away with it," Jed chuckled. "But why is your last name Stevens?" he asked Melody.

"CJ, should I or should you?" Melody asked.

"He asked you," CJ encouraged. She really had no desire to explain it to her boss at the moment.

"Okay. Um... Mr. President, sir, I'm adopted. My father is a History professor at the University of California at Berkeley, and my mother was a geologist."

"Are you saying they're your adopted parents, or..."

"Yes, sir."

"That would make CJ..."

"My biological mother, sir."

"Jed, you're being an idiot," Abbey said with a sigh. "Isn't it obvious to anyone with eyes that Melody and CJ are closely related by blood?"

"I left my glasses in the bedroom," Jed shot back. "CJ, why did you give this beautiful young woman up for adoption?" he asked, something akin to disbelief in his voice.

"Because I love her, sir. And that's all I'm going to say about it," CJ declared firmly. "I'm trying to let Melody back into my life now, and she's trying to let me into hers... and... I hope it's going to turn out for the best."

"Are you in college, young lady?" Jed asked.

"Yes, sir."

"Which one?"

"Berkeley, sir. I'm majoring in art history, minoring in creative writing," Melody supplied.

"Did you take math?"

"Mr. President?"

"Jed!" Abbey groaned, poking him in the ribs.

"Now, Abbey, that was just uncalled for! Melody, did you take math?"

"Yes, sir," Melody replied, looking confused. "It wasn't my best subject, but I plodded through it, yes... yes, I took math."

"Well, at least one young person in the world..."

"Josiah, you will let Zoey's not taking math slide," Abbey growled.

"But Abbey..."

"Melody, want to go back in the other room?" CJ asked, sotto voce... She knew a brewing domestic squabble when she saw it, and knew that poor Mellie didn't need to see one of the Presidential squabbles just yet.

"Sure," Melody replied, staring blankly at the First Couple as they wound up for the bat... CJ quickly tugged her daughter back into the living room.

Their reentry was hailed with total silence from around the room.

"Oh shit," CJ whispered.

"Doomsday," Melody agreed, gulping.

"Bite the bullet," CJ muttered, closing her eyes. She opened them again, and said, "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Melody Stevens... my daughter. Melody, this is... everyone. You know Leo; this is his niece Sian McCall, Ginger O'Malley, Donna Moss, Bonnie Franklin, Carol Lawrence, Cathy Ki-Ling, Lessa Dennison, Toby Ziegler, Josh Lyman, Sam Seaborn, Margaret Williamson, you know Sarah... and Doris Landingham."

Melody paled, even though she'd heard the names before, when they came in. "I hope there's not going to be a quiz anytime soon," she joked.

Sarah laughed. "Mellie, t'ain't gonna happen, but from the President, who thinks it's damn funny to torture people!" she said with a grin.

Everyone else was just staring at Melody, jaws dropped in various stages of shock.

"I need to sit down," Melody hissed to CJ, heading over to the empty spot on the couch where Ginger, Sam, and Margaret were settled.

"You're CJ's daughter?" Sam finally asked, for the group as a whole.

"Yeah..." Melody said, feeling a blush rise into her cheeks.

"Well, at least Zoey, Charlie and I will have someone our own age to talk to, now," Sian spoke up from where she was leaning against the wall next to Leo. She kissed Leo on the cheek and said, "I'll be in the kitchen, getting some water."

"It'd better be water," Leo shot back. She just gave him a 'do I look that stupid' look and headed into the kitchen. "Well, I can't speak for anyone but myself, Melody, but welcome to the zoo."

"Thank you, Mr. McGarry," Melody said with a smile.

"I thought I told you to call me Leo..."

"Sorry, my slip," Melody replied, biting her lip.

Sian poked her head back into the room. "The President says the chili's ready, if we'd care to line up. And he wants Melody and I to go first, for some reason I'm not sure I want to fathom..."

There was laughter choked out on groans from around the room.

"I don't think I can get back up without help," Melody protested with a giggle. "Little Miss Thang here likes getting in my way..."

"Here, I'll help," Josh said, coming out from around the bar to aid Melody.

"Stop flirting with her," Sam scolded.

"I'm not flirting!" Josh spouted indignantly.

"A word of advice, CJ, have him neutered before he can hit on your daughter," Sian said, giggling at the horror on Josh's face.

CJ raised an eyebrow and stared Josh down. "I'll kill you myself," she finally growled.

Melody just kept looking back and forth as the verbal tennis match kept on. "Forget this crap," she muttered. "I'm starving..." She followed Sian into the kitchen, where they both got bowls of chili and proceeded to garnish with whatever their little hearts desired.

Abbey watched with an amused smile as Melody piled sour cream, guacamole, olives, onions, fresh jalepanos, bacon bits, and tomatoes high on her chili. "You're going to get heartburn," she warned Melody.

"Probably, but it'll be worth it!" Melody replied with a laugh. "Anything to keep Miss Thang happy..."

"When are you due?" Abbey asked, fixing herself a bowl of chili.

Melody stopped and looked away. "Two weeks," she mumbled.

Abbey's eyes widened. "You flew on a plane in your ninth month? You traveled during your ninth month?!"

"Well..."

"Melody, I'm a doctor. Any doctor would tell you that it was a stupid thing to do..."

"Yeah, well, ultimately, it's my choice, so... ultimately, it's my problem," Melody said, shrugging and taking a bite of her chili.

"And what happens if you go into labor on the plane?" Melody looked up, her eyes widening. "Yeah, I bet you hadn't thought of that," Abbey groaned. Kids...

"I have to leave the day after tomorrow," Melody sighed.

"You're not going anywhere, young lady," Abbey said, voice stern.

"Why's she not going anywhere?" CJ asked, coming in. "And everyone wants to know when they can eat."

"Send them on in," the President said.

"And Melody's not going home on Sunday," Abbey said, glaring Melody down. "She did something purely crazy, flying in the last month of her pregnancy..."

"What?!" CJ shouted. "And your father... let you?!"

"My father lets me make my own decisions, and this was something that needed to be done now, rather than later, all right?" Melody said, gritting her teeth. "I'll stay, since I obviously don't get a choice in the matter..."

"You already made the choice, and now you have to abide by the consequences," CJ sighed, covering her eyes with her hands. "God, I'm even beginning to sound like a mother..."

"Not like mine, thank God," Sian muttered, leaving the kitchen.

"Jesus, and now I've..." CJ's eyes followed Sian out the door, and she groaned. "Okay, this day now officially sucks."

Melody sat her bowl down on the counter and walked out. She went through the room to where Sarah was sitting and asked, "Could I have that spare key you offered me?"

Sarah nodded, and handed it to her, then wrote something on a Post-It from her bag and handed it to the girl. "This is the code for the alarm. Eat it after you've used it," she said, grinning.

The younger woman left the Residence and caught a cab not far from the White House; heading back to the condo, she packed her bags, and left for the airport.

On the ride to the airport she was fuming. *I'm not about to let myself get bossed around by somebody I never met until yesterday, just because we're related. She thinks she has an inborn right to boss me around just because she gave birth to me, twenty years ago. And instead of being glad we're together, she says her day 'officially sucks'? Screw her.*

She got to Dulles and had her ticket changed so she could catch the next flight to O'Hare, and called her father to let him know about the change of plans.





CJ came out of the kitchen a while later, after having had a long talk with the President and Abbey. "Where's Melody?"

"She's pretty upset," Sarah said, cautious. "She wanted to go back to the condo, so I gave her a key."

CJ nodded. *Back off, Claudia. Give her time. She'll cool off.*

"The President says grub's up," she said to the room in general as she walked out the door, headed home.

She made it part-way there, through pretty heavy traffic, when her cellphone rang. "CJ Cregg..." she grumbled, snatching it up.

"How soon can you come to Dulles?" Melody whispered almost inaudibly over the line.

"Dulles? What the hell are you doing at Dulles?"

The girl didn't answer, but only said, "I need a ride to the hospital."

"What??"

"I'm in labor, CJ. I need to get to the hospital, I need... I need you to be there, please, just don't... don't shut me out now, please." Melody stifled a sob.

CJ sighed and turned left at the next intersection. "I'm on my way, okay? Where should I meet you?"

"Gate 32..."

"Okay, it'll take 15 minutes or so..."

"Okay, Mo... CJ. Okay, CJ."

"I'm coming," CJ promised, hanging up and dialing the Residence.

"McGarry...." Came Leo's voice.

"I need Abbey right now, Leo," CJ said.

"CJ?" Abbey said, voice heavily-laden with worry.

"I need the name of a hospital in DC with a very good delivery facility... and I need it yesterday," CJ said with a sigh.

"For Melody?"

"She made it all the way to Dulles and went into labor."

"Okay, look into Washington Hospital Center. They're the best in DC," Abbey said with a sigh. "She's young and thinks she's invincible..."

"Shut up," CJ growled. "I have the right to say that because she's my daughter, but you don't right now, okay?" She hung up to concentrate on driving.

When she got to Dulles and Gate 32, Melody was waiting, looking wrung-out already. "I'm sorry," she whispered as CJ bent down to hug her tight. "I'm so stupid and... arrogant and..."

"No, you're just young," CJ whispered. "Come on, let's get you to the hospital, okay?" They headed slowly back to CJ's car, CJ pushing the wheelchair along with Melody in it. "Have you called your dad?"

"Yeah, right after I called you... he's catching the next flight." Melody sighed. "CJ, I'm sorry, I've just turned your life... upside down."

"Yes, you have," CJ agreed. She smiled hesitantly. "Maybe not all for the worse, or all for the better, though." She helped Melody into the passenger seat of the car. "It's gonna be okay."






Sian looked longingly at the bar until Josh came up behind her and said, "Aren't you a little young to be wanting a drink that badly?"

"You have no idea, so shut your damn trap," she snapped icily, going back to demolishing her ice cream sundae.

"Wanna talk about it somewhere a little less... public?"

"I don't want to talk about it at all."

"Well, you're going to, so just come along like the nice girl you are, and stop trying to kill your raspberries, all right?" Josh said, dragging her to one of the private bedrooms down the hall. "Now, sit down and forget that this is a bedroom. I'm not even going to try to seduce you, 'cuz Leo would skin me first and kill me later. But I'm worried about you, okay?"

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"And what makes you say that, Joshua?"

"Well, Sniggles..."

"I'll choke you with my spoon, so help me God I will," she growled.

"Then stop calling me Joshua," he said, "and I will stop calling you... you-know-what."

"Fine," she said coldly.

"Sian, since you went to take care of Meghann, you've been... not yourself. And it's worrying everyone, but your uncle, Sarah, Ginger and I am the only ones with enough balls to stand up to you and ask what the hell is going on in that goddamn head of yours," Josh growled. "Ginger said you cut yourself pretty badly last night, which I can see from the big-assed bandage you're trying to hide now..." He reached out and pulled her hand out into view. "Did you put it through a windowpane? That's what I did."

She closed her eyes. "A glass."

He looked at her doubtfully. "You broke a glass?"

"Yes," she whispered. "A glass of milk... I could feel the darkness, and the elevator dropping and...." Her voice trailed off and she began to cry. "And I couldn't make it stop... I can't make this stop..."

"Shh..." Josh whispered, moving to hug her. "Shh.... I know how you feel. My set-off is music. Sometimes, I can be just fine, and others, poof, down for the count."

"And Mum and Da being here isn't helping any... it always happens near this time of year, and it never fails that I do this, and... Mum's been... terrible, and Da's been..." She stopped talking and just curled up against him, sniffling. He brushed a gentle kiss over her temple, and held her a little tighter.

"It'll be okay, eventually," he promised.

She nodded, not convinced. "Josh..."

"Hmm?"

"I'm... I... want to tell you a secret. But you can't tell anyone, no one. Uncle Leo and Ginny and Sarah know, but no one else..."

"I won't tell anyone," he promised.

She nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm an alcoholic."

He pulled back to look down at her. "What?"

"I'm an alcoholic. A drunk, whatever the hell you want to call it. That's why I was looking at the damn bar like I was... I needed an excuse to just..." She closed her eyes.

"Are you going to AA meetings?"

"No, I don't think I could find one that..."

"You're going to have to find one fast, Sian, because you're really slipping quickly," Josh said. "Talk to Leo, maybe he can find one for you to..."

"I can't drag him into my problems, Josh - he's already been in the thick of this once, I can't make him go in again just to save me. He'll drown, too..." Sian's voice was soft and resolute.

"Sian..."

"There you two are," Ginger said, poking her head into the room. "I was getting a little worried that you'd seduced my girlfriend, Josh."

"Nothing so dramatic, I'm afraid," Josh said with a sigh.

"Josh is trying to talk me into going to Meetings," Sian said.

"Good - you're not the only one, Josh," Ginger said, scowling at Sian. "She's too damn stubborn for her own good, y'know."

"Definitely," Josh said.

"I am in the room, you know," Sian grumbled.

"I'm getting ready to go home," Ginger said.

"I'm going to take Sian out for coffee, and I'll... drop her off home later, I guess," Josh said.

"Don't you think you ought to invite me first?" Sian muttered, kicking him in the calf.

"Sian, would you like to go out for coffee?"

"Sure."

"I'll drop her off at home after," Josh told Ginger with a smile.

"Okay," Ginger agreed, turning and walking away, shutting the door behind her.

"But don't think this is a date," Sian muttered.

"Not a date," Josh said, hands in the air.

"Good... because I am immensely happy with Ginger."

"Which is good."

"And I love her."

"Which is good for both of you."

She was just staring at him.

"What?" he finally asked.

"I really want to kiss you."

"Sian..."

"I really do..."

"Ginger'll..."

"I said I want to, not that I'm going to."

"Okay, good, 'cuz I don't need Ginger coming after me with a fingernail file..."

"Bugger the nail file, she'll come after you with a knife."

"Now that you said... what you said.... I want to kiss you."

"It's hormones."

"Yeah..."

"Josh, stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm a particularly tasty morsel of chocolate."

"Let's go get that coffee..."

"I'd rather go to your place."

"Sian!"

"For coffee, genius. I'd rather go to your place for coffee! What the hell did you think I meant?" She shook her head. "No, I don't even want to know."

"I thought you meant... no, nevermind." He looked sheepish.

"You thought I meant for sex, didn't you?"

"Maybe."

She smirked. "And if I said I wanted to fuck you into a wall?"

"I'd say why don't we go out for coffee. Sian, you're a lovely girl-"

"Yeah, so they tell me," she sighed. "Coffee it is, then."





When Ginger got back to the apartment, Lizzie was waiting, a deep frown etched onto her lips. "Where is my daughter?"

"She went out for coffee with Josh Lyman - why?" Ginger asked, going into the kitchen to make herself a cup of berry tea.

"Because I have a few things to ask you both, like where you both went last night. And why she snuck into your room the night before. And why I can't find any of her clothes." Elizabeth's stare was cold and penetrating, and Ginger found herself flinching involuntarily. "Maybe you could answer those things for me."

*OK, that does it. I've had it up to here with you, lady, and I'm not gonna take that attitude, not in my own damn house.* "And maybe you can go straight to hell," she muttered under her breath.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, 'and maybe you can go straight to hell'," Ginger repeated.

"WHAT?!"

"Listen, you have been nothing but disrespectful since your plane landed. I don't know how Sian puts up with you... I would have burnt my bridges a hell of a long time ago if you were my mother, Elizabeth McCall. I wouldn't have pussy-footed around trying to keep you happy. She hates you, you know. She really does."

"How dare you..."

"How dare I? Because I'm speaking the truth, God damn you straight to fucking hell! You can't be happy that Sian is happy, no, you just have to glory in making her miserable! I have been fighting so hard the entire time you have been here not to beat the shit out of you... I really, really hate you for the things you've done to my lover and in my home, and I want you and your husband out right now. Isn't it bad enough that your husband is an alcoholic? No, you had to make Sian one, too! You just had to play enabler..."

Lizzie looked genuinely startled. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't play with me, because I'll kick your ass," Ginger growled.

"Sian isn't an alcoholic..." Lizzie was in denial.

"Yes, yes, she is. She's been fighting it so hard, but you just keep pushing her to the fucking edge, and I'm not going to let her fall over, so you can just get the fucking hell out of my house right now!"

Patrick came out of the third bedroom, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "What's going on?"

"We're being thrown out," Lizzie said in disbelief.

"Damn right -- now, you have fifteen minutes to be out, or I'll call Leo and he'll send tall ugly men with guns. And don't even think about trying to impose on him and Sarah, because they won't take you in. Go stay in a hotel, and leave us the hell alone."

Lizzie's jaw dropped. "Us? You and Sian...?? Ohmygod," she gasped.

"Get out."

"My daughter's a..."

"I SAID GET OUT!" Ginger's blood pressure had risen to the point that her face was redder than her hair, and her whole body was trembling in pure fury.

Lizzie stood up stiffly and headed back to the third room and packed her bags as quickly as possible. Patrick followed suit, and they both left.

Ginger sat down and put her head on the kitchen table, trying to breathe, waiting for Sian to come home and cry at how the shit had hit the fan. She fell asleep gradually, and didn't wake up until Sian gently shook her. "Honey, what's wrong? What happened?" Sian whispered.

"I threw your parents out."

"Oh." There was a long pause. "Well, thank you."

"I didn't want..."

"I understand." Sian sat down and put her head in her hands.

"What's the matter with you?" Ginger asked.

"Promise you won't overreact."

"Cross my heart."

"I just threw myself at Josh Lyman. And he threw me back."

Ginger's eyes opened wider. "What? When?"

"Tonight. In the residence." Sian looked up and whispered, "Ginny, I'm so sorry, but..."

"I thought you didn't like him," Ginger said, confused and hurt.

"I don't, but you don't have to like someone to want to fuck them," Sian mumbled, turning red. "I'm switching addictions, aren't I?"

"No, sometimes you just need more than I can give you, I guess," Ginger said, patting her on the hand. "It's okay. Just... don't do it again, okay?" She paused and smirked. "I almost wish you had, I'm dying to know if he's as good as he thinks he is."

Sian put her hand up and wriggled it in the so-so motion, and they both fell over into each other's arms, giggling.

"Let's go to bed," Ginger suggested, yawning.

"Yeah, let's...."

They went into the bedroom to change, and Sian found a note on the pillow from her mother.

Sian,

I can't believe you. I can't believe how you've betrayed me, everything I've tried to teach you over the years. I tried to make you a God-fearing person, and now... you went and did this. Well, fine. You've made your bed, with Ginger in it, and I am not going to do anything to stop you. I'm also not going to forgive you. My daughter, a... I will never... And that your uncle could know, and not care infuriates me even more. You know, this situation almost makes me think that Leo marrying this Sarah person is almost a palatable idea.

I have to go now, as your LOVER is throwing me out. I hope you're happy, because I'm never speaking to you or her again.

Mother

She read it, and crumpled it, throwing it into the trash.

*How could I betray *you*, Mum? You horrible, hateful bitch... I love Ginny, and nothing will change that, not in a million years. You can't be hateful enough to me, no, you just have to branch out to Ginny and Sarah... I...*

She put her shoes back on and left, headed for the nearest bar.






"How're you doing?" CJ asked Melody softly.

"It hurts," Melody deadpanned with a weak smile. "You look really good... you could start a fashion trend at the next State Dinner."

CJ looked down at her scrubs and laughed. "The President would kill me."

"Yah..." Melody groaned and fought to breathe as another contraction gripped her.

"Breathe, sweetie," encouraged the nurse.

"I AM!" Melody snapped, wrenching CJ's hand, but good.

"Ow..."

"Oh, you think that hurts, try this!" Melody ground out.

"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt," CJ replied.

The contraction finally passed, and Melody gasped, "When will Daddy get here?"

"His plane should land in about fifteen minutes," CJ murmured. "And I sent a car from the White House to pick him up, and it'll take him about 5 minutes to get here with the police escort..."

"So about twenty minutes?" Melody whispered, hopeful.

"Half hour, maybe," CJ replied, brushing Melody's hair back out of her eyes. "What are you going to name the baby?"

"It's a girl, I know, because they told me..." Melody closed her eyes. "Karen is what I'm naming her."

"After your Mom?"

"Yeah... Karen Claudia Jean Stevens." Melody smiled a little bit, and reached up to wipe away a tear that trickled down her cheek.

"Okay..." CJ smiled down at her daughter.

Another contraction came along, stronger than before. The nurse did an internal exam and went to find the doctor. Melody just groaned in agony, holding onto CJ's hand like it was a lifeline.

"Melody, we're about ready, I think," the doctor said, a smile on her lips.

"Not till Daddy gets here," Melody ground out through clenched teeth. "I'm not doing anything..."

"Sweetie, you're not going to have a choice," CJ murmured.

"I'm beginning to find this out," Melody gasped, writhing.

"Doctor Hansen, Mr. Stevens is here and scrubbing up," said an orderly.

"Well, saved by the bell, Melody," Dr. Hansen said from her vantage point. "I'd say about fifteen minutes or so..."

"Fuck you," Melody growled.

"Mellie!" Jim scolded, coming up beside CJ. "Watch your mouth."

"Hurt..." Melody wailed, crunching CJ's hand again.

"Mr. Stevens, why don't you move to the other side and get out of the way, please..." Dr. Hansen ordered. "Ms. Cregg, move up higher parallel to the bed.... That's better, both of you, thanks." She looked up at Melody. "Okay, Melody, when you feel the next contraction, I want you to bear down."

"Oh GOD!" Melody screamed, bearing down with all of her might, feeling blackness creep in around the edges of her vision.

"Breathe, sweetie, breathe," Jim insisted.

"YOU BREATHE!" she shouted, pushing again. Twice more, and she fell back onto the pillows with an exhausted moan. "I can't... OH GOD!" She pushed as hard as she could, clamping down on her father's hand and CJ's wrist, and finally felt the baby move.

"I've got the head," Dr. Hansen said. "Keep pushing, Melody, you're almost there..."

Twice more, and there was a gustily indignant wail from the baby girl, and Melody fell back, utterly exhausted, beginning to cry.

"It's a little girl," Dr. Hansen said, clamping and cutting the umbilical cord. A couple of minutes went by. "8lbs. 4oz., 22 inches long. Have you decided what to name her?" she asked, laying the little blanketed bundle in Melody's arms.

"Karen Claudia Jean," Melody murmured, staring down at her daughter. "Mommy's here, sweetie, yes, Mommy's here," she whispered. "And so's Grandpa and Grandma CJ..." She looked up at CJ. "Thank you, I don't know what I would have done without you, Mom," she whispered.

"Don't mention it, Mellie," CJ said with a smile, trying not to cry.

Jim visibly bit his lip.

"Okay, we're going to wait to get the placenta and then we're going to move you down to your own room, okay?" Dr. Hansen asked.

"That sounds good," Melody sighed, yawning. She passed her daughter back to the nurse, who took her out of the room to get Karen cleaned up and put in the nursery.

"Ms. Cregg, Mr. Stevens, you can wait in the waiting room," Dr. Hansen said, waving for one of the nurses to escort them out.

Once in the practically deserted waiting room, CJ flopped down into a chair, and Jim dropped into one opposite her. "She was really great," CJ murmured. "Except for trying to break my hand."

"That's nice to know."

"You're upset with me," CJ said, unnecessarily.

"No shit. You just think you can waltz your way into her heart and take up the spot Karen used to keep... it's not going to happen," Jim growled, running his hands through his unkempt blonde hair.

"No, it's not, because I don't want to take Karen's place," CJ said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some phone calls to make, and we can talk about this later, over coffee, maybe."






Sian wound up at Leo and Sarah's, rip-roaring drunk. She hesitated outside the door... after all, it was past 4 in the morning... but rang the bell. After missing it four times, she finally got her finger on the button.

There was no movement in the condo for a long time, then she heard the light in the foyer click on, and the door open after the alarm was disarmed. "Sian, what the....?" Leo grumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Why the hell do you smell like a distillery? Oh, God, you've been drinking."

"Wha was yur firs clue?" she slurred, staggering forward into his arms and bursting into tears. "I'm such a fool... don' deserve to live..."

"SARAH!" Leo shouted. "Come on, Sweet Pea, let's sit down," he whispered, hauling her into the living room and dumping her on the couch.

"What's going on?" Sarah mumbled, wheeling herself out of the bedroom, yawning.

"Toots, make some coffee, please," Leo instructed. He cupped Sian's cheeks in his hands. "Talk to me, Sian Maire."

"Ginny told Mum. 'Bout... us. Sort of. I wasn't there, so I dunno..."

"Where were you?"

"Went for coffee, Josh..."

Leo stared at her. "You went out with Josh?"

"If you can't b'with the one you love, love the one you're with," Sian mumbled, slumping forward.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Josh and I... um... Well I wanted to anyway."

"SIAN MAIRE! If I was Ginger..."

"I won't do it again. He prolly wouldn't be 'ny good 'nyhow," she confided with a chuckle. "He said you'd skin 'im now 'n' kill 'im later..." She frowned. "Feel stupid..."

"I would, and you should!"

"I hurt a lot...."

"As if it's any excuse, young lady," he scolded.

"Fuck you," she muttered. "Just fuck you." Her voice stopped slurring as she drew deeper from inside herself. "You pompous, haughty bastard... you think you know everything, you think you know what could be hurting me, and what to do to fix it, well, YOU DON'T!"

"I'm not the one who went out and drank."

"Leo..." Sarah said, watching the sparks between her fiancé and his niece. "You're too close to this, you're not helping."

"Sarah..."

"You can't help here," Sarah said sharply, tugging him off the couch.

"I don't want to talk to either of you!" Sian yelled. "You don't understand, no one does! I just want to die and get out of the way... no more pain..."

Sarah stared at Leo. "Get me the phone, Irish, right now," she ordered. "Sian... sweetheart, will you talk to someone?"

"Don't want to talk..."

"Okay, sweetie, okay, I know you don't, but you've got to."

"Who? No one understands..."

"CJ does. CJ know what it feels like to be hurting so bad inside that to die seems the only way out of the pain... Will you talk to CJ?" Sarah asked gently.

Sian looked up at Sarah and shook her head before looking back down at her feet. "I've hurt so many people today..." she whispered, closing her eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me..."

"I'm gonna ask you three questions, sweetie, and I want you to answer them honestly. Are you in control, or is it the booze? Have you tried to stop?" Sarah asked.

"Can'," Sian finally mumbled.

"Is it screwing up your life?"

"Yes..."

"Okay, now this is the kicker. Take your time on this one, because it will determine what happens next."

"Okay..."

"Do you want to stop?"

There was a long silence. "Yes."

"Will you let us take you to our Meeting?"

Sian nodded slowly. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." she sobbed, climbing onto Sarah's lap like she had done only three days before, clinging to her like a lifeline.

"Shh.... Shh.... Sweetie, it's not your fault, any more than it was mine I couldn't see my life falling apart from the damn pills..." Sarah whispered. "Shh.... Irish, call Ginger? She's got to be worried sick."

Leo sighed and picked up the phone.







CJ made her last phone call, to the Residence. She'd given up on trying to reach Leo and Sarah, because the line was consistently busy. They must have just taken the phone off of the hook. "Whomever this is, they'd better be ready to die by virtue of the 82nd Airborne," Jed Bartlet growled.

"Well, sir, you could do that, but I don't think my granddaughter would appreciate it," CJ said with a chuckle.

"Claudia Jean Cregg, I ought to... Granddaughter, you said?" he mumbled, perking up a bit.

"Yes - 8lbs., 4 oz., 22 inches long. Karen Claudia Jean Stevens, sir."

"I bet she looks just like you and Melody."

"Only blonde, sir," she replied with a proud chuckle.

"CJ, you're going to make a wonderful grandmother, now can I go back to sleep?"

"Yes, sir, of course, sir..."

"And don't forget to take pictures... you'll never forgive yourself if you don't... and I won't forgive you, either, because I can't exactly come visiting."

"I'll get a camera when the gift shop opens, sir... See you later."

"Kiss my ass, CJ."

"I'd rather not, sir. Sleep well." She hung up and shook her head, laughing.

"Are you done?" Jim asked.

"Well, I do have friends and family, for crying out loud," she muttered. "And what's your problem anyway?"

"My problem is you, Claudia."

"CJ."

"No, I know you as Claudia. I know what you go by now, but before, it was always Claudia... you had to make yourself seem more important."

"Stop mocking me."

"If I was mocking you, you'd know it."

"Fine, stop being an ass, James," CJ growled, turning to face him. "You just don't like that I've come back into Melody's life, and she's old enough to realize that parents aren't perfect."

"Shut up."

"Oh, just go to hell, will ya? I'm really having it up to here with you and your attitude. So Melody called me Mom. I'm her biological mother. Stop acting like I twisted her arm up behind her back to say it. You have no idea how much this last week... since before she even contacted me... you have no idea how..." She stopped and took a giant, deep breath and held it. "Excuse me, while I go throw up." CJ stood up and staggered for the restroom.

When she came back out, she was still queasy, and she hadn't expected Jim to be standing there, his brow furrowed. "I'm sorry, Claudia, I just... I haven't had the easiest time since Karen died," he apologized.

"And I haven't exactly had the easiest time since Eric died, so get the hell off of my back, would you, please?" she snapped, covering her eyes.

"Okay. Let's try this again, okay? Hi, I'm Jim Stevens, and you are?"

"CJ Cregg."

"Let's go see our daughter and granddaughter, okay?"

"Okay," CJ said with a bit of a smile.

They went down to Melody's room, where she was snuggled up with Karen. "Hi, guys, where've you been?" Melody asked.

"Making some calls," CJ murmured. "Can I hold her for a minute?"

"Of course," Melody said, passing the baby over to CJ.

CJ cuddled Karen close and began to hum. And then the Danish words began to pour forth from her lips as she sang the lullaby, the family lullaby...

Melody's eyes grew wider and more confused by the moment as she listened...

When CJ finished, Melody said, "What was that? I know it from somewhere but I can't remember-"

CJ turned to face her, tears trickling down her cheeks. "That was what your father used to sing to us both when... when he was alive," she whispered, bending down to press her cheek to her granddaughter's forehead. "I don't know what it means..."

"It's okay," Melody murmured, stroking her mother's back. "We'll find out."

Jim watched the two women holding on to one another, like life preservers in a storm. "Hey, sweets," he said gruffly, kissing Melody on the cheek. "We're gonna have to work something out, y'know, 'cause we can't keep flying over here all the time."

"You were offered tenure at Georgetown, smartass," Melody muttered. "We could move out here."

"Oh, I don't know if that'd be such a good idea," CJ said. "My job.... We wouldn't... I wouldn't be much help with Karen..."

"But you'd be close. I'm not saying... it's just an option."

CJ and Jim looked at each other, and raised their collective brows.






From Saturday to Thursday, Leo, Ginger, Sarah, and Josh all watched Sian like hawks, taking turns keeping her safe, from booze, from her parents, from herself. She spent some time with Melody at the hospital, cooing over Karen, and making friends with Melody, and she spent some time looking for a new job, and she was even considering taking some courses at Georgetown with Zoey. She really wanted nothing more than to turn her life around for the better. And, until she could... she would just try hard as she could not to stumble and fall.

She felt all eyes on her as she went into the Card Game with Leo and Sarah. She had been sworn to utmost secrecy about the Meeting - she couldn't even tell Ginger. And looking around at the prominent faces - any of which she had seen on C-SPAN and CNN - she suddenly understood why. *Even the Vice President...*

She inhaled deeply and gulped.

Leo patted her on the knee, and she started. "It's time," he said softly, encouraging her.

Sian stood up and looked around the room, catching and holding everyone's eyes for a brief moment before saying the words that would help her heal and become whole again.

"My name is Sian, and I'm an alcoholic."




FINIS