Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent or any of the characters in the trilogy. Some quotes from the books are used throughout the writing in order to keep the language consistent. I do not take credit for anything that is not mine.
"Ravens. One for each family member I left behind."
-Divergent, Veronica Roth
Some days are easy. Others are hard. Most of the time Tobias doesn't know how he keeps himself from shattering into a million pieces.
Some days Tobias feels like he can breathe again. Like there's not a gaping hole inside of him, an inner war that constantly battles between remembering the pain and trying to forget. On those days, Tobias smiles and it's not forced. He laughs and jokes and does stupid things and pretends that his life is somewhat normal. That there's no one missing.
But, it's usually the small things that remind him, that throw him back into the sharp reality of his life. Maybe the wind blows the wrong way and suddenly breathing becomes too easy. Maybe someone touches his hand lightly and he flinches away because it's not the same hand that he held at the Chasm, while the spray of the water licked his feet and the soft feeling of her lips was pressed against his.
Every day he takes the slow walk to a better life. There are times when Tobias feels he is going more backwards than forwards. Others when he prays to whatever god will listen that this is all some sick joke and she'll be there waiting for him when he gets home, her strong gaze once more meeting his. When he opens the door and she's not there, he curses bravery and selflessness to hell, curses her unwavering loyalty to those she loved, curses the very attributes that made him fall in love with her.
That word bubbles to his mind a lot, and when it does Tobias stands still because he's sure he'll crack if he moves.
That word is often coupled with fear in his thoughts. The irony is that Tobias doesn't know what he fears anymore. He doesn't really fear heights or small spaces, because those things seem so insignificant, so trivial now. He also doesn't fear losing her because that already happened. Tobias hasn't gotten the chance to go back into his fear landscape, and wouldn't if he was able to. Some things are better left unknown.
He supposes bravery is accepting fear, not obsessing over it. He thinks she would agree.
And even though Tobias would rather take a million gunshots than bear pain he feels now—would swap places with her without hesitation—, he knows that constricting himself into his own mental box is not brave. He talks to his friends. Bit by bit, he lets them mend him. They help each other build a life out of the darkness. Even though all of them should be deadened by the weight of their pasts, the insatiable tendency for humans to cling to happiness allows them to go on. Tobias knows he has to live life for the good parts. If the best he can do some days is pretend to be functional for his friends, then he does that out of selflessness and that's okay. He thinks she would agree with that, too.
He knows he will never love anyone the same way again. But Tobias also knows there are different types of love. Just like bravery, or selflessness, it's not something you ever run out of. It's something you carry until you die.
When he sees the baby for the first time, she's bundled up in blankets. Her hair is pitch black and scruffy, but her eyes meet his and he sees strength in them. He sees eyes that will eventually learn of his pain, eyes that might cry when he tells her about the girl who jumped first. The girl who went from being unable to throw a knife to the girl who sacrificed herself for the ones she loved.
In this moment, when Tobias thinks of these memories, he doesn't feel sadness. There's still pain, and he knows that won't ever go away. But for the first time since she died, he now feels like he has a real reason to go on living. He feels like he has woken up.
He's sure he won't make the same mistakes his dad made. He's not scared of the person he thought he might become. Tobias isn't his father. He's his own person. If he has learned anything over the past few years, it's that people make their own choices. People define who they are.
Of course his adopted daughter won't have a perfect life. She'll grow up without a mother. But instead of feeling guilt about what he can't provide, he focuses on the things he can give her.
Tobias reaches for the baby with outstretched arms, similar to how he reached for Tris the first time they met. He notices her willowy frame against his chest, her pointed chin and piercing eyes. She is tough as nails. She is stern, insistent, beautiful.
He decides Raven is a perfect name for his new daughter.