This is yet another request from the lovely KittieHill from AO3, who asked for some Noelian phone sex. I've never actually written either of those things before, but I gave it a whirl and decided to make it a teenaged AU just to get rid of all that pesky RPF awkwardness. Like, they're real people, but they're also totally made up versions of those real people so it's okay.

Anyway, reviews would be nice. Especially since I'm publishing this on my 23rd birthday. Consider them gifts.

And I don't own Noel Fielding or Julian Barratt. Obviously. That would be a kind of fresh madness.

An Attempt at Phone Sex

Julian sat in his bedroom, staring at his textbooks and revision notes and desperately willing something to actually absorb into his memory. Okay, so it was next year's A-level exams that were really critical, but that didn't mean that these first year exams weren't important too. He'd been thoroughly stressing himself out since exam time started, convincing himself at least three times a day that he was going to fail everything and not be allowed back to sixth form college next year, that no University would accept him with such miserable grades and he'd end up wondering the streets with wee in his trousers, trying to flog Batman capes to pay for Special Brew...

He was pulled out of what was sure to become one of his famous silent panic attacks by his phone ringing. Julian fished his mobile out of his jeans pocket, and rolled his eyes when he saw the name 'Noel' on the screen.

"Shouldn't you be revising?" he said instead of an actual greeting.

"Hello to you too, I'm fine, thanks for asking," Noel chuckled.

Julian could hear music playing softly down the phone, The Rolling Stones, if he wasn't mistaken. He could just imagine his best friend sprawled lazily across his bed in his skinny jeans and mismatched socks, textbooks lying ignored on the floor amongst his cowboy boots and paintbrushes. Julian sighed and rolled his eyes again.

"I was in the middle of studying, y'know."

"As if. Every time you even look at one of your fussy little revision timetables you have a mini-meltdown, convince yourself you're gonna fail every exam and end up a tramp in Camden Lock, weeping in a skip with no trousers or pants on."

"Yes, well... to repeat my opening statement, shouldn't you be revising? You have an exam tomorrow, don't you?"

"Yeah, for Art. You can't revise for that, it's just four hours of drawing, with occasional snack and loo breaks."

"Then why don't you revise for one of your other subjects then? We've got our English exam in a few days."

Noel let out a theatrically loud groan. "Barratt, you nonce, stop being so dull for five bloody minutes! I don't like Exam Time Julian, he's a right ballbag. Put Fun Julian on the phone, I wanna chat to him for a while, that guy's actually a laugh."

"Fun Julian can't come to the phone right now. He's a bit busy studying for his extremely important exams that could affect his entire future career prospects."

"Oh yeah, I forgot no one in the world is allowed to get a job without an A-level in Geography, that's me fucked then. Anyway, what's all this about future career prospects? I thought you were gonna write comedy with me and Dave when we were done with school?"

"Of course, but we're gonna need proper jobs to fund all that, y'know?"

"Ugh, what a buzz-kill. And who on Earth is gonna give me a job in real life? Imagine me with a proper job! Remember work experience week at school last year, when I got sent to that bakery? I only lasted about two hours. And then they found me lying on the floor in the back room, eating cakes."

"That is true. You're not exactly suited to employment. I can't imagine you doing a real job. Only something ridiculous like painting, or acting, or DJing, or modelling..."

"Aww, you think I'm pretty enough to be a model?"

"Well, you already strut around college like you're on a catwalk."

It was true. Ever since they'd left secondary school and the restrictions of school uniform rules, Noel had hardly worn the same outfit twice. But that was just Noel's way. When Julian's family had moved to London when he was twelve, Noel looked to him like some kind of rare bird or ethereal wood nymph, with his pointy features and feather cut blonde locks, big blue eyes and heavily customised uniform. Sometimes even the teachers couldn't tell if he was a boy or a girl, and he liked it that way.

Once they'd moved to sixth form college, Noel was in his element. He dyed his long hair jet black, and broke out the most outlandish pieces from his vast wardrobe whenever the mood struck him – capes, fur coats, cowboy hats, dresses, you name it. Of course, he got a bit of grief from the less open-minded students, calling him a queer and a tranny and other unimaginative things, but he was always quick with a cutting retort that left Julian and their friends laughing like crazy and the chav in question rendered speechless.

"Any particular reason you're calling me?" Julian asked. "We did only see each other about hour ago at college, y'know."

"What, I'm not allowed to phone my boyfriend whenever I feel like it?" said Noel, putting extra emphasis on the word 'boyfriend' as he knew it always made Julian feel a bit funny. "You gonna make a fussy little timetable for that too?"

"Maybe, if you don't buck your ideas up, Sonny Jim. We don't have to talk to each other every minute of every day just because we're a 'couple' now."

"I can actually hear the air quotes you just made, you spanner. Anyway, I'm bored!"

"And?"

"Entertain me!"

"I'm not your performing monkey, Noel. Just put the telly on like a normal person."

"I'd much rather talk to you."

"And I'm supposed to be flattered by that, am I?"

"Obviously."

Julian sighed in defeat, getting up from his desk chair and throwing himself on his unmade bed. There was little point in even pretending he was revising now. Noel had been known to keep him on the phone for hours at a time when he was bored.

"God, you're annoying," he said with a huff. "Why do I even put up with you?"

"Because you love me," said Noel. Julian could picture his smug smirk as clearly as if Noel was sitting right next to him.

"Yeah, yeah. So what do you wanna talk about then?"

There was silence down the phone for a second, except for the music playing faintly in the background, before Noel finally said "What're you wearing?"

Julian snorted. "You're kidding me, right?"

"Never been more serious."

"I'm wearing exactly the same thing I wore to college today, you lunatic."

"Oh yeah, you looked well sexy today, Ju. You always do. It's a wonder I can control myself around you. I nearly jumped you in the canteen in front of everyone at lunchtime."

"Are you flirting with me because you're bored?"

"No, I'm trying to start a cheeky bit of phone sex with you because I'm bored."

Julian laughed. "Phone sex? Please tell me you're joking."

"What? I'm horny, and as much as I'd love my incredibly sexy boyfriend to be here in bed with me, you live ages away and I can't wait that long, so this is the next best thing."

"You have a one track mind, Fielding."

"Yet another reason why you love me. Now c'mon, get involved! Tell me what you wanna do with me, gorgeous!"

"We've never even attempted this sort of thing before. I can only see it ending in embarrassment."

"Your pessimism is kinda spoiling the mood a bit. I'll start us off then, yeah?"

Julian let out yet another defeated sigh. Sometimes there was just no point in arguing. He was very aware that his mum and dad were only downstairs, but the thought of Noel all horny and frustrated thinking about him was enough to make his cock swell in his jeans. They'd only been having sex for about a mouth, had only just really moved beyond feverish snogging sessions that culminated in messy handjobs, so Julian wasn't quite used to just how insatiable Noel could be. It was exciting and terrifyingly overwhelming all at once.

"Are you in bed?" Noel asked. "Or hunched over your desk in front of all your textbooks?"

"Erm... in bed."

"Mmm, good. Not that I'd mind having you on your desk, sweeping your books onto the floor and bending me over the table. But the bed's good too, much more comfortable. What would we be doing, Ju? If I was there in bed with you right now?"

Julian couldn't think of a single thing to say. He was alone in his bedroom, and yet he had never felt more self-conscious.

"C'mon, Julian," Noel cooed down the phone. "Talk to me. You're always so talkative when we're together."

"Yeah, but that's when we're... together. This is just weird."

"Use your imagination, babe. Imagine I'm right beside you now. What would you want to do with me?"

Julian shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and imagined. He imagined Noel in bed with him, lying beside him, his big blue eyes blown out with lust, his pale skin flushed pink and very visible erection tenting the front of his skin-tight jeans.

"I'd wanna get you out of those clothes for a start."

Noel hummed in appreciation. "Yeah, now you're talking... keep going."

"Well, once I'd gotten you out of those stupidly tight trousers of yours..."

"Hey, can you maybe not insult my dress sense while trying to talk dirty to me?"

"Quiet, you," Julian said sternly. "I'm supposed to be in charge here."

Noel scoffed. "In charge?"

"Yes, in charge," said Julian in his most domineering voice, a voice he knew could make Noel melt. "So don't interrupt me again, or I'll hang up and you can sort yourself out, alright?"

He heard Noel clear his throat, before meekly saying "Yeah, alright. Sorry, Ju."

"Good." Julian was starting to get into this now, embarrassment be damned. If he was going to do this, then he was going to do it right. "As I was saying, once I'd gotten you completely naked and splayed out on my bed, I'd get on top of you and kiss you all over, but not in the places you want me. I'd avoid your lips and your nipples and between your legs, and kiss everywhere else until you're weak with desperation. And I'd keep that torture going for ages."

It was easy to imagine Noel in the room with him now, as the heavy breathing on the other end of the phone was broken up by the sound of a zip being pulled down and a sigh.

"Are you touching yourself for me, Noel?" Julian asked, his voice lowered with arousal.

"Mmm, yeah," Noel said, slightly breathless. "You're bloody good at this, Ju. Keep going..."

"Put me on speaker phone, baby. I'm gonna need you to use both hands."

There was some shuffling on the other end of the phone, before Noel finally said "Okay, I'm ready."

"Good boy."

He could see Noel's little smirk at being called that as clear as day in his mind. Noel relished being praised. Even though he was almost always the one initiating sex between them, at heart Noel was a complete and utter sub just aching to be told what to do. And Julian loved it.

"Now, Noel, I want you to touch yourself for me. Slowly. Imagine it's my hands stroking your cock and cupping your balls. I wanna tease you, love. I want you begging for more, so do it slowly."

Julian heard Noel moan quietly, and undid his own jeans with one hand, sighing with relief when his already leaking hard on was finally free from the restrictive clothing. Julian spread the drops of pre-come over his crown, stroking a few times before squeezing the base. He didn't want to come until Noel did, but he had a feeling that wouldn't take too long.

"Keep going, baby," he whispered into the phone. "Keep touching nice and slow. Tell me how it feels, love."

"Mmm, so good, Ju," Noel said, with a needy little whine. "But... it's not enough. Please, Julian, please let me do more..."

"Not yet," said Julian, chuckling as Noel groaned in frustration. "You're distracting me from my revision, I think you deserve a bit of torture, little man. If you were here with me, I'd make that torture go on for as long as I could. For hours. I'd touch you and suck you and eat out your tasty little hole, and shove my cock down your throat until you were choking on it. But you wouldn't be allowed to come until I said so."

Noel was panting down the phone, whimpering desperately in between whispers of "Oh God, Ju... please... fuck... ohh, please..."

Julian really loved the sound of Noel begging. It was better than any music he had ever heard. He could listen to it forever, but he wasn't feeling quite that cruel today. Another time maybe, when he had the house to himself and could have Noel breathless and sweaty and begging for it here in person. Julian rubbed his own cock a little bit faster at the thought.

"You can go a bit faster now, Noel. Lick your hand and imagine it's my mouth on you."

"Oh God," Noel choked out. "Please keeping talking... don't stop..."

"God, I love sucking your cock, baby," said Julian, stroking his own erection even faster. "I love the taste of you, the feel of you all heavy on my tongue, filling up my mouth so perfectly with your fingers pulling on my hair. I'd take you right down my throat, and then spread your legs and fuck your hole with my tongue..."

"Ohh, fuck, Ju!" Noel suddenly cried down the phone. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna come... can I... am I allowed?"

"Go for it, love. Come for me. I'm right behind you."

The sound of skin slapping against skin on the other end of the phone got more frantic as Noel yelled Julian's name. Julian could imagine Noel coming all over himself, his whole body shaking, his head thrown back in pleasure, and it was that image in his head that made Julian finally climax, leaving a sticky mess all over his hand as his phone fell onto the pillow beside him.

When he eventually got his breath back, Julian clean his hand with a tissue and picked his phone back up. He could hear Noel giggling, and he couldn't help but join in.

"That was genius!"

"I guess it was, yeah."

"You're so good at that, Ju. Like, ridiculously good. We seriously have to do that again, babe."

"Can it not wait until after exams are over? I don't want 'because I was busy having phone sex with my boyfriend' to be the reason why I fail everything."

"Barratt, you tit, way to spoil the moment! Perfecting your phone sex skills is way more important than exams. You're gonna be talking the pants off me a lot, so you better get fucking used to it, sunshine."

"Why do I put up with you and you're nonsense?"

"Because you love me."

"Ugh... yeah, I do."

"And I love you too."

"So you should."

"Even though you're pure filth."

"Yeah, alright..."

"You're filthy, Julian Barratt. Like an old shoe."

"Shut your face."

Hope you enjoyed, Humble Readers

xxx