Memories
Just a little something after Fridays E4 episode :)
The idea of a leaving do made me feel pretty sad, things were just happening so fast and now with the arrival of Leah's real dad, everything was being brought forward. I felt powerless to stop any of it and yet again I found myself with no control over my own life. I thought it was ironic having a party at Chez Chez and although I tried to have a good time, I found it increasingly hard not to think about you. Looking around the club I saw you, I saw us, you know how we used to be. Together, not together, kissing, fighting, me leaving you and coming back to you over and over. We could never stay apart for long could we?
I used to feel completely overwhelmed by my feelings for you; I still feel that way even now. But you have made your choice, you don't want me and regardless of how I feel about you, it really is over between us. I look back at when I tricked you in to signing over the deli, we could have been together then, but I suppose I was in denial and maybe I had to do what i did to prove to you that I wasn't always going to put up with your shit. But god if I could take it all back now, I would.
So as I stand here in front of everyone, in front of Doug, I try my best to give a good speech. I'm not sure that I can do this, not how it should be and definitely not with you on my mind, but I go with it anyway. Then everyone has disappeared and it's just you stood there, it should be Doug but it's not and I feel so much at the thought of you being here…just you. But of course you're not here its just wishful thinking, but you are all I see right now and that makes this easier to do. And from my heart I say what you mean to me, what I'll never be able to tell you now.
"I'd say the reason I'm standing here today is really because of one person. This person gave me a chance when I had nothing and he made me feel safe when I had nobody. He also taught me how to love and he changed my life forever, he means everything to me. So ladies and gentlemen raise your glasses to…Doug."
It was hard to come back to reality and I very nearly said your name, but I could never do that to Doug. He doesn't deserve any of this; it's not his fault that I'm still in love with you. I know that love can grow, so why can't mine for him? I love Doug, of course I do, just not how i should. He's been there for me; he's shown me a more gentle side of love but with you it's so much more than that and I feel like I would die without you in my life. The love I feel for you is intense and addictive and I want you more than I thought possible…I want it to be you and me forever.
I have tried so hard to move on and ignore my feelings for you, I've buried them so far down inside of me that I almost believed I was over you. But I'm just kidding myself and no matter how bad you are or how hard it is to love you, I still do with all my heart. The best I can hope for now is for all the pain to go away, the rejection and the hurt because the love I have for you is here to stay, no matter what distance is between us. Not even time could change my feelings for you. I know that I could see you in ten years from now and you'd still turn my world upside down, I'd still want you. I'd still love you.
None of this matters now though I guess, I have to make my life better and it will never be better if I carry on living for you. Doug is my future and you are just a part of my past that although is over, I will never forget and I've just got to accept that. See you will always be a big part of my life and I thought that I was a big part of yours, that was until you left without saying goodbye. Was it because you hit me again? I'd even forgive you for that you know, if only you'd come back. God you really do mess my head up.
We are ready to leave now and yet i'm still thinking of you and wishing you would stop me from going. I'm still hoping that you'll come and ask me to stay or that this in fact is all just a really horrible dream and i wake up in your arms instead, but no, this is really happening. So here's to a new life, a fresh start and for the first time in ages, a world where you don't exist, just saying it turns my stomach and now I have to make it my reality. I may not have you anymore, but where ever I go and whatever I do I will always have my memories and no one can ever take them from me.
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