Anywhere But Here
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the computer I used to write this. All characters, etc are property of whoever really owns them.
Rating: PG-13/T
Note: This was my first L Word fic and only my third fan-fic ever. I started to write this after the whole S3 finale debacle. So, it's pretty old. I did originally post this at the Sharmen Forum and SharmenOnline, but forgot to post it here... so here you go.
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Part One
Shane sat on a bench at the Portland Bus Station smoking a cigarette. She shivered, partly because of the cold wind and partly because of her situation. The bus ride had been quiet, both she and Carla stuck in their thoughts. And when Carla didn't say good-bye after the bus arrived, that upset Shane. 'Why'd you walk away?' Shane thought, questioning both Carla and herself. 'I guess once a McCutcheon, always a McCutcheon.' Shane chuckled bitterly and shook her head. 'We love to walk away.' Shane remembered all the times she had walked away from people and it didn't really bother her because none of those people meant anything to her. She had been so callous over the years and was lucky to have the family she now had. But last night, she just walked away from the best thing that ever happened to her and Shane was scared. Scared of what the repercussions of this moment would bring. She finished her cigarette and stood up to look at the departure times. "Where is that f**kin' bus?" She growled.
Shane had grown increasingly cranky since she left Canada and was losing her cool quickly. 'Why does everything have to be so f**ked up? Everyone probably hates me and...' Shane shook her head, 'Shut up! You did the right thing. You only would have hurt her in the end.' Shane placed her hands at the sides of her head and sat back down on the bench. It took all the strength she had not to cry. Shane sighed. "What am I going to do?"
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Jenny's house was quiet as Carmen sat on the bed that she and Shane had shared. She sighed as she looked around the room. Tears came to her eyes for the millionth time since she had been back as she thought of all the good times she and Shane had shared together. Carmen took a deep breath and wiped her eyes. She stood, turned off the light, and shut the door. She wished that she was able to shut the door on their relationship as easily as she just shut Shane's bedroom door.
Alice, Jenny, Helena, and Lara waited at Carmen's car. They had just finished packing some of her things. Carmen's heart was shattered and she couldn't bring herself to stay in the studio, so she was going to stay at her mother's house for awhile. She was confused, sad, angry, and at a loss. So many thoughts were running through her head and she couldn't make sense of anything right now.
Carmen looked at the ground as she walked to her car. "Um, I'll get the rest of my stuff... I dunno... sometime."
Jenny felt horrible for her friend and placed her hands on the sides of Carmen's face. "Hey, it's okay. This is still your home too. Your stuff can stay as long as you need."
Carmen let a tear drop. "Okay."
Alice couldn't help but wonder what would happen now. She hugged Carmen. "We're here for you when you're ready. Don't forget that."
Carmen nodded, "Thanks." She took her bags from Helena and Lara and waved goodbye. "Thanks for everything."
Lara smiled and Helena nodded. "Anything for a friend."
Carmen turned, placed her bags in her car, and mustered up a smile. "I'll be okay. I just need some time."
The girls waved as Carmen drove away. Alice turned to the group of girls. "This is so f**ked up! We don't know where the hell Shane is, not to mention Bette."
Lara placed a hand on Alice's shoulder. "I'm sure they will turn up and everything will get worked out."
Helena and Jenny looked warily at each other, and then nodded towards Alice, "Yeah."
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Shane flipped open her phone as she got on the bus she had been waiting to board. She slowly walked to the back of the bus and sat down, placing her backpack on the seat beside her. Shane sighed as she saw all of the missed calls from her friends. She didn't want to face them. She just didn't know what to say. On the bus ride from Canada to Portland, Shane hadn't been able to think of anything other than what a failure she had become. All she could see was Gabriel and how this was the best thing for everyone involved. Not that she really knew what this was. The only thing Shane knew for sure was that she couldn't go home.
Shane listened to message after message from Alice and Jenny getting more depressed with each moment that passed. One message remained from a number Shane did not recognize. She listened and then she knew.
"Hey, Shane. Harry wanted me to call you. Let you know that things have blown over and he'd like to hook up with you to talk business. Give me a call and I'll give you directions to his place."
Shane rolled her eyes. "Great, that's all I f**kin' need... Clive hooking me up with those jerks again." She turned her phone back off and flung it into her backpack, closed her eyes, and settled in for the long ride back to LA.
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Helena was the first to speak after a few moments of silence. "Okay, well, I need to start packing as well."
Jenny looked bewildered. "Why's that?"
Alice smirked. "Mommy cut her off."
Lara glared at Alice.
"What Alice meant to say is that mother wanted to teach me the value of a dollar." Helena remarked.
Jenny smiled. "Oh, okay. Where are you going to stay?"
Helena's face fell. "I'm actually not quite sure."
"Oh, well if you need a place to stay, you can crash here." Jenny said as she started to walk away.
"Jenny, I couldn't," Helena began.
"Yes, you can. There's plenty of room and I'm sure both missing tenants won't mind." Jenny waved her hand in the air. "Now, I have some writing to do... see you at The Planet tomorrow." Jenny glided across the lawn back to her house.
Helena looked at Alice, who was wearing a blank stare, "She's taking this awfully well."
Alice shook her head and shrugged. "That's Jenny, I guess." She nodded to her car. "I'll see you at The Planet in the morning." Helena nodded and Lara followed Alice to her car.
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Carmen sat in her car staring at her mother's house wondering how she was going to make it through life without her heart. "God, Shane!" She slammed her hands against the steering wheel. "Why can't you just f**kin' talk to me instead of always running away!?!" Carmen forcefully wiped the tears from her eyes trying to rid herself of the sadness that engulfed her. 'Ugh, I just want to stop drowning...'
Carmen was jolted from her thoughts when someone knocked on her window. "Carmen, come on inside baby." Carmen opened the door, wrapped her arms around her mother, and cried.
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That night, both Shane and Carmen slept fitfully. Shane had nodded off with her head leaning against the window of the bus. She woke up a couple of times because of bumps in the road and a few others because of dreams of Carmen. Some of the dreams were memories of when times were good and some of the dreams were predictions of what the future would have brought them if Shane hadn't left. Each time she awoke, Shane slammed the heels of her hands into her eyes and tried to rid her of the feelings the dreams had brought with them.
Back in L.A., Carmen had sat on the couch and cried herself to sleep in her mother's arms. Mercedes' heart broke at the sight of her daughter and hoped that things would work themselves out. When Carmen's brother came home, he spoke quietly with his mother and then he carried Carmen down the hall to her old bedroom where he laid her gently on the bed. Carmen tossed and turned all night with dreams of Shane.
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Shane's bus stopped suddenly, forcing Shane to smash her face into the back of the seat in front of her effectively waking her from her slumber. She quickly grabbed her head and then rubbed at her face. "What the hell?" She looked out the window and sighed. There was a car accident to the left and traffic had slowed for the inevitable morbid curiosity of the passersby. 'I need a beer.' Shane thought as she continued to stare out of the window.
"Hey man," Shane turned her head to see a young man about her age pointing to the seat beside her backpack. "Do you mind?" Shane shook her head and the young man sat down. The young man nodded his head, "I'm Trey."
Shane nodded back clearly annoyed at the intrusion, "Shane."
"That's cool... not talkative." Trey shrugged, "I just needed to get away from my girl for a minute. She's up in the front."
Shane looked back out the window, 'I really need a beer now.'
Trey pulled a package from his jacket and nodded to Shane, "You want?"
Shane turned back around and saw Trey holding a bullet. She rubbed her forehead, "Um, no thanks man. I quit."
Trey shrugged, "That's cool. Do you mind?"
Shane shook her head, "Nah man, go ahead."
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Meanwhile at The Planet, Alice sat at the gang's usual table and sipped her coffee bouncing her leg feverishly while she looked out the window. Kit and Lara were in the back working and she was very anxious to see the rest of the gang. She was going to explode if she didn't gossip soon!
The front door opened and Alice jumped out of her chair trying to get Jenny and Helena's attention. Helena stopped short of the door. "Why is Alice flailing her arms about?"
Jenny shrugged and laughed sarcastically. "I guess she's excited to see us." The two retrieved their coffees and made their way to the table. Alice waited no time in assaulting them.
"You two took your time in getting here!" Alice sat back down, but did not notice her friends roll their eyes as they sat down. "You just missed Bette and Tina!"
Helena held her coffee mug in midair and stared at Alice. Her eyebrows raised, "Excuse me?"
Jenny was bewildered as well, "Wait a minute, I thought..."
Alice cut in, "Well, apparently Bette couldn't get a hold of Tina, so she left a message on her voicemail, a note at the front desk, and messages with both of their lawyers. She was pretty upset when she found out Henry accused her of kidnapping her own child. Which, you know, she should be. Tina was pretty upset that Bette didn't wait for her, but then she was pretty upset at Henry too. And then Bette was upset with Tina for thinking she would ever do that to their child or her for that matter." Alice finally took a breath and a sip of her coffee.
"When did all this happen?" Jenny asked while she took a drink.
"Tina finally got a hold of Bette on her cell. I guess Bette wasn't getting any service for awhile. They hashed it out on the phone. Bette made it home this morning and Tina was waiting for her. And get this..."
"What?"
"Without Henry."
"You're kidding!"
"Nope, she and Bette had another long talk and decided to try to be friends again. Thank God, if you ask me."
Helena put her mug down, "What about Henry?"
"Tina said that they were going to still see each other, but that she wasn't going to let him dictate how to live her life. It sounded to me that what happened really put a cramp on things for the two of them. Granted, he can be a good guy sometimes, but he really needs to learn a thing or two about women."
Lara and Kit walked up and sat down for a moment. Lara placed her hand on Alice's. "Looks like you had a busy morning." Alice nodded.
Helena turned to Kit. "What have you been up to this morning?"
"Well, besides staying up half the night talking to my baby sis... I haven't been doing much of anything." Kit laughed. "I'm too old for this drama."
The gang laughed. Helena folded her hands in front of her and steeled herself for her next question, "Has anyone heard from Shane?"
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Shane sighed as Trey stumbled to the bathroom and she rummaged for her cell phone in her backpack, 'Amateur.' She sat back again when she found her phone. She flipped it open, stared at the screen, rubbed her forehead, and then dialed.
"Hey man! I didn't think you'd call."
Shane looked out the window, "Yeah, me neither."
"Tough break about Canada."
Shane shook her head, "How the hell do you know about Canada?"
The voice on the other end snickered, "I have my sources."
Shane was losing her patience, "Clive..."
"Okay, okay... Cherie found out from someone she knows up there and well, you know how word travels around here."
Shane gritted her teeth. "Clive, listen to me, because I am only going to say this once. I want absolutely nothing to do with Cherie."
"Don't worry. That's not why I called."
Shane sighed. "Okay, why did you call? You said something about Harry and business?"
"Yeah, he wants you to come out and talk to him."
"I realize that. What about, Clive?"
"Oh, my bad, yeah, he wants to get you back into the game." Realizing how that sounded, Clive stuttered, "I mean with hair. With you doing hair. Harry has had a lot of people asking about you, so he wants to work something out."
Shane rubbed her eyes again, "I dunno man. Last time..."
Clive interrupted, "I know, I know. But it will be different this time. What have you got to lose?"
'My sanity,' Shane thought.
"Look, Shane. Harry wants to give you another chance. Where else do you have to be? Who else do you need to worry about but yourself? We've been friends a long time, right? We have had our differences, yeah, but we were with each other at our worst. There is no one else that knows you or knows how you feel like I do."
Shane thought back to the days when she first met Clive. He was such a lost boy and they had taken care of each other through the years. He was the one constant in her life until she met Bette. Shane shook her head and opened her mouth to say something, but Clive cut her off quickly.
"I know you feel like you're drowning and that no one can save you. That no one gives a lick about you. I know you feel so cold there ain't a blanket in the world that can make it go away. And I sure as hell know that memory will never get old." Clive took a deep breath. "Look, I know you think your friends are going to be there for you after you get over this, but we both know that ain't true. We've both been there before and it doesn't work like that. Just come over and hang out and if you don't like what Harry has to say, then you can go back to being miserable."
Shane opened her mouth, closed it, opened it, and then closed it again. Over the years, she and Clive didn't really have that many deep talks and she was a bit taken back by what Clive had to say. 'I guess I could give the guy a shot. He's got a point... it's not like I've got anything better to do.' Shane sighed. "Okay, Clive. Let me think about it."
"No problem... but Shane?"
"Yeah?"
"Harry doesn't really take no for an answer. Talk to you in a couple days."
Shane heard the phone disconnect and shook her head. 'Great, just great. I need a hit.' Shane was startled when Trey came out of the bathroom and waved as he started to walk back to his seat. Shane jumped out of her seat. "Hey man..." Trey turned around and Shane started to whisper, "Can I take you up on that offer?"
Trey smiled. "Hell, yeah." He passed a bullet to Shane and winked as he walked back to his seat.
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Alice remembered the last time Shane took off unexpectedly a couple years ago. It was after she had tried the latest drug and went ballistic. Shane had come to Bette's higher than a kite and went off on all her friends in a drug induced paranoia. After she had come down from her high, Shane left for a couple days. She had been so ashamed of what she had done and said to her friends, but she still called and left Alice a message that she would be back. Now, there was no message and Alice was beginning to think that she wasn't coming back. Alice shook her head and sighed. "No one's heard from her."
Helena furrowed her brows, "That's odd. Shane has always seemed to be very concerned about her friends. Don't you think she'd call?"
Jenny looked up from her notebook, "Well, she only disappeared two nights ago. Maybe we shouldn't be worried just yet."
Kit looked at Alice, who shook her head and spoke, "I don't know, Jen. She's disappeared for a couple days before, but she always let someone know what she was up to. She'll never admit it, but she's always been scared of what we think of her. I just have a really bad feeling about this."