Step Nine
Dylan looked down at his list. He almost had all of the names he had listed crossed off. He reflected how he got here. After leaving London, he was in a bad place. Living with Brenda had been great but she was working so often it was hard to find his own place in such a foreign place. He found himself grasping on to her more so then anyone before. He found himself getting jealous when she had romantic scenes in plays, or just her hanging out with her friends she had made there in general. He had never been clingy, but he had found himself there for the first time in his life. When Dylan first lost Toni, he bummed around a little not having a plan of any kind. He one day found himself on the train from Paris to London. He tried to reason with his mind that Brenda was his friend. He wanted to get completely wasted and she was the first one he thought of that maybe could take that urge away. Once he saw her, he was okay, he felt whole again. He did love Toni…from the short amount of time he knew his wife he had falling head over heels in love with her. Their love story was cut short though and he ran to the only woman that he had loved before his late wife. Things were amazing those first couple of years. They moved into living together and reuniting like no time had past. Long gone was the drama from Beverly Hills and long gone was the drama of triangles and other bullshit. Dylan sighed, when he made this list a month ago, he struggled with putting her name on it to begin with. She lived in another country and she wouldn't be easy to track down. He wasn't sure how to face her or to make the amending more than just an apology. Dylan felt like she was the one person, who may not forgive him. Dylan remembers being drunk and jealous, he remembers throwing her cheating past in her face. Which in turn made Brenda throw the triangle back in his face. That third year together was tough. That break up was so much worse than the last one. Making amends with Brenda was going to be a lot tougher than anyone on this list.
His mother had been easy. She wanted the best for him and she spent a lot of her heart trying to make up for lost times. Dylan knew Iris loved him. He may not always understand her, but he did know that. Brandon was easy too. He wasn't one to hold grudges and he hadn't been around for his bottom this time around. He still made the list because over the years Brandon had always been like a brother to Dylan, and even though Brandon broke the guy code with his relationship with Kelly, he couldn't stay angry with him. He had treated him poorly before, and even when Brandon had reached out after hearing from Kelly he was in this place again. He pushed him away from him and said horrible things when he tried to help him. They had a connected friendship that had proven to up stand even the toughest times. Brandon's forgiveness showed that still to be true. Kelly was on the list too. Dylan had promised her a lot of things. He had gotten sober again, he had tried for her affections and even got her to give him another chance. It was good the first couple of months but history repeated itself. He had promised her commitment and he couldn't give that to her. He loved Kelly, but he wasn't in love with her. The chase was always better with Kelly. There was a lot of lust with them, that was never the issue. Sexually they were compatible but when things settle and a relationship carries on, lust becomes a back burner and communication, understanding and real connection is what keeps it going strong. They didn't have that when they were together, as friends yes but sex kind of ruined that for them. After Kelly and Dylan had broken up a few months after Donna and David's wedding, things got dark for Dylan again. He didn't go back to drugs but alcohol became a prominent part of his life again. It was always Dylan's way of dealing. Dealing with rejection, dealing with drama, dealing with anything that needed to be dealt with. He isolated himself again and that tinge of wanting to run away…and to London came forefront again. He stopped himself numerous times. He tried to tell himself, Brenda wouldn't want to see you. Brenda probably hates you this time, you've hurt her too much, you can't just run to her every time you get to this place. Brenda deserved a man that worships her every step, a man that didn't go back and forth not knowing what he wanted out of life. Brenda deserved more than him, she always had. Also…Dylan knew the last he had seen Brenda, she told him to never come back. After a year of battling his addiction again, cutting his friends out of his life, he finally decided to get sober again. Dylan stared at her name. She was the last one on the list to make amends with. In AA, step nine is to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. GOOD judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence—these are the qualities you shall need when you take Step Nine. Dylan knew these 12 steps by heart. He had done them enough. Part of it, above all, you should try to be absolutely sure that you are not delaying because you are afraid. For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine. Dylan closed his eyes. Brenda and Dylan had suffered a miscarriage that third year in London. Dylan started drinking again and Brenda threw herself into work. She began touring again, being away from home for months at a time. Even though neither of them were ready to be parents, when the loss occurred it wasn't relief for either of them. It was the knowledge that they had wanted it more than they had thought. The fights around that time were fiery. The disconnection of their souls was dismaying for both of them and Dylan had to get out of London. Dylan closed his eyes again, the memory coming like it was yesterday.
"I'm not happy here Brenda." Dylan yelled back, tears threatening to spill over as he fought with her, packing up his things.
"You're not happy with me you mean." Brenda yelled back.
Dylan rushed her, his hands on her face, "Come with me, please Bren, let's get away from all of this."
Brenda calmed for a moment and closed her eyes. She actually had thought about it for a moment but it was only a moment, "I can't." she whispered. "I have a life here, my play."
Dylan's hands dropped defeated, "Your play is more important than me…than us?"
Brenda looked into his eyes, she didn't say anything. Of course he was more important but why couldn't she have both? Why did she have to choose Dylan or her career?
Dylan shook his head, he walked away from her angry and picked up his bag. "I thought you loved me." Brenda whispered hurt, broken.
He turned towards her, heartbroken, emotionally beat down, "I do love you Brenda." he whispered back. "It's too much here. I can't even look at you without seeing what we lost. I miss my home, I miss my friends."
"You mean you miss Kelly."
"This has nothing to do with Kelly." Dylan's voice got angry again.
"This has everything to do with her, things get rough, you run. That's what you do Dylan, and every time things get rough with us, you run to her. She's an easy choice for you. You know it, I know it…even she knows it."
Dylan looked down, no words came out as he thought about what she was saying. "Am I right?" Brenda's voice strong now, even though tears were still flowing freely. Dylan's silence was confirmation enough, as he headed for the door.
"If you walk out that door…don't you ever come back? When things don't work out at home, with Kelly, with who ever. If you leave…it's over with us for good." Silence filled the room, "If you walk out that door, you never loved me to begin with." Brenda's voice raised, tears streamed down her face. Dylan's hand stopped on the door knob. He closed his eyes, his heart breaking, he thought about how different life would be, with a baby, with Brenda as a partner, as a family. He couldn't deal, he couldn't deal with the loss of their baby, he couldn't deal with her schedule and being alone here. Dylan knew damn well Brenda was ignoring the pain with work, just as he was ignoring the pain with booze. She was choosing her career over him and he was going back to what he knew. Running.
"Goodbye Bren." Dylan forcefully opened their front door, one they had shared for three years. The last thing Dylan heard was a unfamiliar sob, of heart break and pain. He didn't turn around to see Brenda shatter. He knew by walking out the door, he was saying to her without the words he didn't love her. What a lie that was. Instead he closed the door on Brenda forever and walked with his head down. Away from the only woman that he loved, away from the demons of the past, away from the only family he knew.
Dylan's eyes opened as he looked up at the ceiling. He squeezed his eyes shut as he finally let the threatening tear escape. Putting Brenda on this list was more for himself. The intention of it all but now that Brenda was in town for a play, it all seemed too scary…too real. He had found out from Donna, by accident really, as she invited him to her and David's house for a get together that Brenda was in town. Donna didn't know Brenda and Dylan didn't speak to one another. No one knew Brenda and Dylan's London past and when Dylan came back to Beverly Hills he even downplayed it, lied to Kelly about it. He had been too angry with himself, too angry with her for choosing a life without him, but he had did the same too. He turned to drugs, women, booze anything to make the nightmare that his life was go away. Coming back to Beverly Hills had reminded him just how much he hadn't dealt with his wife's death, losing Brenda again, and their baby. Finding out his father was alive after all, the death of his father had ruined him, and to find out that was all for nothing, was a lot to take in. He got clean and indeed went to his easy choice in Kelly but when that didn't work out, he quickly realized you can't just run away from the past. Even years later, it will come back to haunt you, just like Brenda being in LA was doing. When Donna had mentioned the get together to celebrate Brenda being back in Los Angeles, he knew this was his chance. Brandon had moved back to Beverly Hills, that was why it was easy to amend with him. He and Kelly had gotten back together, he hadn't popped the question yet but they were expecting a son come March. Dylan figured marriage for those two wasn't close behind. He knew Donna and Davids wasn't the place for it, that's why he had called Brandon and asked where Brenda was staying. Brandon didn't ask questions but Dylan knew deep inside Brandon knew what the purpose was. Most of their group had gotten that visit from Dylan already. Brenda was going to be in LA for over a month, instead of staying at a hotel, she was renting a place down in West Hollywood. Dylan had waited until evening to visit her, he thought it was the best chance to catch her. As he looked around her small porch, he took a deep breath. This was hard, it was even harder than he anticipated it would be. He closed his eyes, exhaling as he brought his hand up and knocked. He looked uncomfortably towards the quiet street then back at the door. As it swung open, Brenda stood on the other side of it.
"Hi." Dylan said as he looked at her. It had been so long.
"Dylan." Brenda spoke softly. She opened her mouth to speak but Dylan cut her off.
"Before you say anything Bren…there are things I need to tell you."
Brenda took a deep breath and crossed her arms. Her expression not cold but she still stood silent and listened. Brandon had warned her of this visit. Even though she was not surprised he was there, seeing him after all this time was still a shock. The pull he had with her, the connection, she watched him nervously look at the ground, sticking his hands in his pockets. His eyes raised and met hers and thats where they stayed as he began to speak.
"First of all Bren…I was in love with you the first moment I laid eyes on you. Being with you back then was exciting and scary but it was real. I fell for you and I fell hard."
"Dylan…I know what this is and it's fine. You don't have to tell me this stuff. Brandon told me you're in the program again and…"
"Brenda…please let me finish." Dylan kept his stare. Brenda kept quiet. "I should have never let you go. I should have never walked out on you in London, I should have been a man and tried to work things out with you."
Brenda swallowed hard, knowing Dylan was doing step nine, didn't make hearing these things easier. Dylan stood quiet for a second so Brenda took the opportunity to talk, "You know you're the only man…I ever truly loved. But you're the only man thats ever been able to hurt me the way that you do."
"I never meant to hurt you Bren. Not when we were kids, not in London…not ever."
"I know." Brenda nodded. "I know…but you did. I mean in London we tried again. And for awhile it was amazing." Dylan swallowed hard. "You lost a piece of your puzzle Dylan…with Toni…and you tried to fill it with me."
Dylan took a step closer towards her. Now being in the doorway, "That is not true. Brenda that was never true." he said sternly.
"Dylan…if you really want to make amends, just leave me with truth."
"Brenda." Dylan grabbed her hand. He held it tightly, Brenda looked down at their joined hands, "Look at me Bren." Brenda slowly raised her head. Her eyes meeting his. "That wasn't true. I came to you because you were the only person that I trusted. You were the only person that I knew could help me. I came because I love you. I feel like when we broke up, there was a piece missing from me. Our puzzle. I've been walking around with this piece of my heart missing, and no matter who came into my life, it was always you that made me feel whole." Dylan looked up at the sky and exhaled, "Brenda…when we lost our baby…another piece of my heart broke. The piece I had gotten back with you, broke again and I couldn't deal with it. I made a mistake in letting you go, back when we were young…back in London. I never should have left. You were right…when things got tough, I ran. I ran and chose the easy way. I don't want to run anymore." Dylan's eyes implored hers.
Brenda let go of Dylan's hand, she quickly wiped the tear from her eye. She sniffed quickly, "Well…you can check my name off your list, you can do it with a clear conscience because." Tears filled her eyes again as she looked deeply into his, "I forgive you." She moved a step back as her hand went to her front door. "See ya around." she said softly moving to close her front door.
Dylan moved quickly towards her, he grabbed both her hands stopping the door, "I'm sorry Bren. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I'm sorry for the brooding, the cheating, not picking you when I should have, for marrying someone else when my heart belonged to you, for running away and not fighting for you. For London, for the drinking and the fights, for blaming you for choosing your career over me, for not being the man I should have been. I'm truly sorry I hurt you."
Brenda eyes closed, her lips quivered as she silently cried. She looked at him again. She swallowed hard and nodded once.
"Okay." she whispered tearfully. "You know Dylan…losing our baby broke my heart too. I know I didn't make things easy on you too and I needed you more than I let on. I'm sorry too."
Dylan reached up, his hand coming gently to her cheek. His thumb grazed a tear that ran down it. "I just want you to know, you weren't just a name on my list. Bren…you were the name."
Brenda's hand came over his upon her cheek. Her eyes closed tightly. "I still love you Bren." her eyes snapped open, he was close to her face now, "I've always loved you. When I look at everything I have done, the only regret I have that no amount of therapy or AA can cure is…you." Dylan leaned in and pressed his lips firmly against hers. "I'm sorry." Dylan pulled away from her and whispered, he glanced down the street uncomfortably and sniffed. Trying to hide his tears. He looked at her again, gave her a sweet smirk as his eyes traveled down her frame, "You look amazing Bren."
Brenda chucked and wiped her nose with her hand. "Thanks." she rolled her eyes.
Dylan lifted his hand, and took the bottom of Brenda's shirt between his thumb and index finger. His finger tips gently grazing her waist. "Don't be a stranger okay?"
Brenda nodded, unable to really speak. She was over whelmed, she was over whelmed because she was looking at him after all this time, she was over whelmed at their closeness, she was over whelmed with his confession of love and apology, it all seemed so much to take in. "Thanks for listening…thanks for forgiving me. Bye Bren." Dylan said lovingly as he stared at her a minute longer, he smiled softly and turned to leave.
"Dylan?" Brenda called out, making Dylan turn around, "You want to come in?" she said shyly. A smirk broke on her face. Dylan smirked back and nodded. He walked towards her. His smile grew as he walked past her into her living room. Brenda smiled and shook her head as she closed the front door.
I hope you enjoyed this one shot. I watch This is Us and the last episode had a scene like this…well sort of. When I watched it, I thought of Brenda and Dylan and how this might go down. If she had come back around shortly after the finale. I always kind of pictured something bad happening in London. Plus seeing Dylan's condition when he returned to 90210 season 9, I can only imagine their relationship was far from good by the end. Anyway, it wont be continued and you can assume Brenda by inviting Dylan in, they will work towards being a couple again. Let me know what you think and thanks for reading.