Disclaimer: I don't own Vocaloid in any way, shape, or form.
A/N: Hello, I know I update very slowly. I will update my multi chapter stories soon. A lot has been changing in my life, and I'm usually o so confused. I will express this through Vocaloid songs. Mostly things realized from Yuyoyuppe songs, Owata-P songs, and my confusion in life.
Summary: Luka reflects on her proximity to Len, and the troubling thoughts it brings along with her already existing problems in life.
LUKA POV
The doctor once told me once that I was depressed. I believe it, and it came and went from me like a wave receding from the shore. Now was a time where it felt as if I was the shore, and it was high tide. As if I was being drowned in a torrent of emotions, slowly suffocating on the feelings that I couldn't communicate to anyone anymore. This is an extremely difficult thing to manage when you are with someone. Wanting to tell them, but at the same time not wanting to burden them. Once it reaches this point it feels more like you're falling in a large painful empty freefall.
I know that I should tell Len soon, but at the same time I'm daunted at the prospect of telling him. I have known Len for a very long time, and I tell him most everything. Recently though I'm worried that whatever I say will make us further away from each other. This is a fear I shouldn't be too concerned about, yet every time I speak I fell that it pulls me away from who I used to be. Every time I'm hit by one of these large waves when it pulls back I'm further back from who I used to be.
Rin understands the waves a bit better then Len, but I don't think that she had them at the same frequency or intensity that I have had with them recently. It's odd I can be very happy and content full of joy, then be plunged into a deep emptiness as large as my old happiness. This emptiness can go on for a short or long time, and I can be the only one who knows that I'm having a hard time. Miku, Gumi, Kaito they couldn't understand nor will they ever understand my feelings. They are wonderful friends and they try to help the best they can, but that's only if I let them. I never knew why most the time if I'm asked what's the matter I say it's nothing. It doesn't matter if I truly feel that way or not that's almost always the answer.
"Leia the girl made of lies."
I continue walking on along the rows of CDs in the music store. Len is someone I care about so much, but I can't express how I feel; not to him at least. I know what I feel, and why but the words are something that I can't express. It's hard to accept when you want to be near to someone at a certain level, and yet you know deep in your heart that they don't reciprocate those feelings to you on the same level. A small tear barely existing slips itself down my eye. With my finger I carefully wipe it off pausing to see if more tears follow it. I don't know why, but often recently I will have tears slip through my eyes when I least expect them to. Sometimes in the middle of my classes even my tears will fall quietly down my face.
I used to tell my friends about my feelings, I would cry to them, and they would listen to me as I cried my fill. Most the time though they were completely dumbfounded by my tears. Soon all too soon the crying stopped, and even if I cried it didn't ease my feelings as it used to. Music has helped me appease the emotions inside of me. Focusing on a composition so much that I cannot think of whatever is in my life, becoming one with my instrument. I know however that this useful tool can change from a useful wonderful tool, to a crutch that I will start to rely on to heavily. I will soon lower the amount of emotional stability I give to some of my habits that I know can become a crutch.
People are funny things, in the recent times we have become more and more restrained on what we say to others. The way that we are perceived by others can often times rule what actions we take. Almost all humans are affected by this perception of how others see them, even me, and maybe it could be why I don't say as much as I need to with our feelings.
Perhaps.
"Rice cakes, sea anemones, benzene. Benzene!"
Len looks over to me; he and I decided to go to the music store together.
"What did you say Luka?"
I look over to him and speak.
"Is there a point to this song?"
I ask him seeing if he knows the rest of the lyrics.
"There's no point to this song."
And perhaps just maybe there's no point to life either. I keep my musing thoughts within myself. Maybe one day Len there may be a day when I can say something with all my heart and you can honestly tell me with the same amount of truth. This is the hope I have for the future until then I wait, as you stay unknowing of the words. I want you to realize your feelings yourself for the feelings to be completely yours, and because you believe them not because you have to say them. Don't worry about me though just continue living your own life because I wouldn't want to bother you with my words, my burdens will stay mine and only mine until they wither me away.
A/N Thanks for reading please review. This is based off me right now. Thanks for reading my story. I don't have much to tell you amazing readers other than sorry for not updating often.