Disclaimer: I don't own them. They're Shonda's.
A/N: I'm not sure how long this will be yet, but I'm going to try and follow the show's timeline (as closely as possible). I hope you'll enjoy it, let me know what you think :)
01 Make Me Feel Alright
There are three questions Addison Shepherd never thought she'd ask herself:
Where am I?
Whose bed is this?
How many Martinis did I drink?
Addison Montgomery was the kind of woman who'd ask herself those questions. Addison Montgomery – single, in her twenties, fun-loving, independent and a little bit crazy – had asked herself those questions a few times before. But not Addison Shepherd. Not Dr. Addison Shepherd, MD. Addison Shepherd – married, thirty-nine, responsible and one of the best neonatal surgeons in the country – should never ask herself any of those questions. Let alone all three at once.
And, yet, here she is. Squinting because of the bright morning light, hair sticking out in every direction and naked in a bed she's never seen before. Oh, and hungover. Spectacularly hungover.
Closing her eyes to protect them for the annoyingly bright light, she lets her head fall back on the pillow – a very comfortable pillow, by the way, but that's hardly the point – and wills her brain to stop bouncing around in her skull so she can concentrate on remembering last night.
"Where are you going again?" Savvy took a sip of her wine and sat on Addison's bed to wait for her to walk out of the bathroom. "Interns mixer, Sav. I already told you. It's for the new interns to meet each other and also their bosses. I'm sure I've already told you this." The blonde looked up from the pair of shoes she was inspecting when her friend walked towards the closet. "You know I never listen when you talk doctor. Even if it's about a party. Or... well, the doctor version of a party, anyway."
Addison chuckled as she searched through her clothes trying to find the perfect dress. "Yeah, because you lawyers are famous for your wild parties." Savvy laughed with her friend and grabbed another pair of shoes, trying them on as she spoke again. "Ally McBeal. We're hot, fun and sexy." Addison shook her head between laughs and smiled when she found the dress she was looking for. "We have George Clooney playing one of us. You just can't top that."
Addison put on her dress and turned around, letting her friend see the result. "What do you think?" Savvy frowned slightly as soon as she realized which dress it was. "Addie, are you sure you wanna wear that dress?" Addison nodded. It was Derek's favorite. "Sweetie, he's been gone for three weeks..." But Addison didn't let her finish. "I know, Sav. He needed space. Distance. I get it. But he'll be there tonight, it's a work thing. He never misses work things."
Derek. Right. She's pretty sure she didn't see him last night. But then again, she could have seen him and she just doesn't remember. Maybe she's in a hotel room, and Derek's gone for a walk. Maybe he's forgiven her. But a quick glance around the bed where she's laying tells her this is not a hotel room. And her common sense tells her she didn't see Derek last night. Her life never really works that way.
She looks next to her – she can't believe that wasn't the first thing she did – and sees an empty spot on the bed, which is perfectly fine by her. She needs a bit more time with herself to try and figure out exactly what – and who – she's doing here. A second look around the room reveals the dress – Derek's favorite – laying on the floor next to the door. Looking like someone threw it there in the throes of passion. Well, this just keeps getting better.
"Dr. Addison Shepherd? I've read all your articles, I'm such a fan. I can't wait to start working with you, you're the best in your field, and..." Addison just smiled politely and nodded along with the intern's speech. Not that she didn't appreciate the compliments, but she was too busy trying to find the other Dr. Shepherd, and the young woman next to her was distracting her. She looked around the room for the millionth time that night, hoping to spot those familiar blue eyes, but once again she couldn't find him.
He had to be there. He just had to.
"Addison?" She turned around and smiled at the man standing next to her. "Chief. Nice party." Dr. Green chuckled before replying. "I'm glad you approve. Can you come with me for a second? There's someone I want you to meet." Addison nodded and followed the Chief, looking around as they walked towards the other side of the room. He had to be somewhere in the room. Talking to some interns, maybe. Or maybe he was talking to Dr. Jensen, they'd always gotten along, and...
"Addison, this is Dr. Nicholas Jones, the new head of neurosurgery. Nicholas, this is Dr. Addison Shepherd, our head of neonatal." Addison mechanically shook his hand – because that's what you're supposed to do when you meet someone – but her eyes never left the Chief's. "I'm sorry, you said he was the new head of..." Dr. Green nodded slightly. "Derek sent me his resignation letter two weeks ago." Addison forced a smile and kept making small talk with both men, fighting back the nausea every time someone used the words "neurosurgery" or "Dr. Shepherd".
And, speaking of nausea, she's experiencing some of those right now. She tries to get up, but as soon as her head leaves the pillow the room starts moving around her, and she decides to lay back down and wait for the dizziness to go away. She'd kill for a banana bag right now, but this doesn't look like a hospital room, and she chooses to do things the old-fashioned way instead.
The new head of neuro. Derek's resignation. He's not coming back.
She doesn't even have to fight back the tears – she doesn't have any more of those left for Derek – and she focuses on figuring out where she is again, because that doesn't hurt as much as thinking about her broken marriage. Did she sleep with the new head of neuro? No, it couldn't be... it would be perfectly ironic, but she knows she didn't do it. She wouldn't sleep with a man she's just met. That's just not her style. Sleeping with her husband's best friend, however, is.
"Stop it, Addison."
She's promised herself – and Savvy – that she won't think about it anymore. She won't keep thinking about That Night and punishing herself over it. It happened, it was a mistake, it meant nothing, and she has to move on with her life. And it's hard, but she's trying. So she decides to go back to trying to remember what happened last night, instead of going over the events of That Night in her head yet again.
"This seat taken?" Addison, sitting on a stool at the bar across the street from the hospital, wasn't sober enough to think of a hurtful comment. She also wasn't sober enough to know she shouldn't say yes. "Of course it's not. The seat next to me will never ever be taken again. I'm gonna die alone." Mark smirked at her as he sat down next to her, moving the glass out of her reach. "You're not gonna die alone, Addie. You have Savvy, and Weiss, and me." She let out a very un-ladylike snort at his words. "You. Right. Having you is my problem. That's what my problem is."
He saw a pout begin to form on her lips, and he wrapped his arms around her, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. "Wanna tell me what happened?" She shrugged slightly, and he couldn't help but smile. She was cute when she was tipsy. "I went to the intern mixing party thing." He gave her arm a reassuring squeeze. "I've always hated those damn interns. That's why I love my practice." He was expecting her to laugh as she always did when he talked about his irrational hatred of interns, but she was apparently not sober enough to get jokes. "It wasn't the interns' fault. There was one annoying intern, though. Very annoying. But it wasn't her fault."
He kept his arms around her and let her go on. "I met Dr. Whatshisface. He's the new head of neuro... He's not coming back, you know?" Mark felt a tinge of pain when she said those words. She'd been avoiding him for three weeks, and he was afraid she blamed him for what happened. "I know, Addie. He's always been stupid like that." She gave him a small smile. "You're always here." He nodded slightly. "You'd never leave like that. You'd never leave me." He shook his head, and even though he knew it was the alcohol talking, he didn't pull away when she placed her lips on his.
No. Not Mark. Please, not Mark again.
Not when, after three weeks of avoiding him, she's finally stopped thinking about him all the time. Not when she's finally convinced herself that it was just sex. Having slept with Mark would be worse than having slept with the new head of neurosurgery, and that's saying something. She can't afford to spend another three weeks trying to make herself believe Mark is just her friend.
Maybe she did sleep with Dr. Jones. Maybe she didn't sleep with Mark, after all.
And then, she sees it. Mark's favorite jacket – does the man never wear another freaking jacket? – laying next to her dress. Equally wrinkled and carelessly thrown on the floor. She's slept with Mark. Again.
"Do I never learn?"
Sleeping with Mark ruined her marriage. Sleeping with Mark ruined her friendship with Mark. Sleeping with Mark is never a good thing. And yet, here she is. In his room – a room she's never seen before, oddly enough – and in his bed. And naked. But that's gonna change as soon as she gets up and puts on her clothes. Because, now that she knows where she is – and who she is with – she really can't stay any longer.
She gets up from the bed and picks up her clothes, trying not to think about the images that keep appearing in her mind.
"Are you sure?" his question made her feel like a teen, but she appreciated his concern. Or she would have, if all the lust that was clouding her mind was leaving some room for other thoughts. "Yes. Please, Mark." And, even though there was still a nagging feeling on the back of his head telling him it was not a good idea, he was only human, and he didn't really have that much self-control.
It was just sex. Addison telling herself she didn't have feelings for him and Mark trying not to let his feelings for her show. It was fast, hard and desperate, both of them aching for each other and not wanting to let themselves admit there was more to it than lust. They didn't make it to his room the first time, and they walked the fine line between pain and pleasure, his body crushing hers against the wall and her nails leaving red marks on his shoulders when she came.
Addison blushes slightly when she walks into the kitchen and sees him reading the paper, the small red marks still visible on his shoulders. "Hey." He looks up and smiles when he sees her. "Morning. How did you sleep?" She shifts uncomfortably, wondering if it's too soon to run away. "Good. I slept... good." The obviously fake smile isn't fooling him, and he hands her a cup of coffee, hoping to make her stay a little longer.
She takes the cup from him and takes a sip, willing herself not to run away and leave him there with his warm smile, his delicious coffee and his ability to make her want to stay with him forever. But she can't stay, because he's Mark, and she's Addison, and it wouldn't work. Plus, she shouldn't be toying with that idea. She should be worrying about her husband instead. Even if he's left her. Even if he's resigned. He's still her husband.
"I'm glad you're not avoiding me anymore. I missed you." She let out an awkward chuckle as she nodded her head. "Yeah. So... last night was great, but I really have to get going. You know... interns, first day..." Mark frowned slightly at her words – almost exactly the same one he used when ditching a woman in the morning – but nodded along, his smile still on his face. He knew it was a bad idea last night, and he didn't want her to feel bad about it. "Sure. Torture some interns for me, ok?" She chuckled again – more naturally this time – and put on her coat as she walked towards the door. "Bye, Mark."
"Goodbye, Addie."